As godly mothers/wives would you consider this cheating?

Holly Janelle - posted on 05/30/2012 ( 56 moms have responded )

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I have heard many different opinions about whether men looking at porn/naked women every now and then is cheating or not. I read just a little while ago about an woman who's been married a very long time and her kids are all grown and just found out her husband has been looking at porn quite often and quit coming to her for sex and she is extremely hurt and considers it cheating. She even confronted him about it and asked why he quit coming to her for sex and later he came to her for sex but still continues to look at porn. She is torn because she wants to stick by her vows but she is broken about the situation.

I shared this story with my boyfriend Because it really upset me and scared me and he says well it's not cheating if it's every now and then. Now if he did it every single day that would be a different story. I said well if I started looking at "big penis' "(just an example!! Not trying to be crude just trying to make a point to him) you would be ok with that me lusting after them? He said the same thing as above basically (but I honestly think It would be a whole different story if I were doing it I think he would freak out) and I said in the bible it says lusting after another is a sin so wouldn't that be sinning?! He basically ignored what I said and went to sleep since he was already tired. Arg! It's probably for the best because it would have started an argument:(

1) that's a huge turn off for me that he said that... What else does he consider not cheating?? 2) is that what I have to look forward to if we decide to get married?? 4) do you consider it cheating yes or no? 4) what are your thoughts on the subject?? I know that I'm extra sensitive on subjects like this because I was sexually,physically,mentally,verbally abused by my step father whom I knew as my father and trusted him with everything and was let down 100% and was sexually and mentally abused by another man who I thought I could count on to protect me but did the total opposite and I still struggle with these problems every day of my life and have a really hard time with sexual things when it comes to things like that and trusting period so maybe that's why it's a huge deal I me I dunno... Would love to hear what you all have to say. Thank you!

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Carla - posted on 05/31/2012

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Jesus said if you look on a woman with lust, you've done the deed already. Sounds like cheating to me! So yes, I feel it's cheating. I told a story a while ago about my husband talking smack to a woman online, and to him it was okay because she was half a world away. I told him if he didn't stop, I was outta here! He also had a 'friend' he talked to from a different state. She would send HIM presents for the arrival of our grandchildren, and called him on his cell phone on his way to work. Her profile pic was in a sexy negligee. I told him she was after him, but he told me I was crazy. Again, I told him to get rid of her. He was not living a Christian life at the time, so his mindset was of the world, not of God.



Our marriage vows say we love, honor and cherish til we drop dead. Leering at a naked body, at least to me, isn't honoring me and it certainly isn't cherishing me! Solomon wrote to revel in your wife's body, and to always be satisfied with it. That takes porn completely out of the picture. My husband can't be satisfied with a 60+y/old body when he's looking at 20 y/olds with hard abs and a killer butt.



Is your boyfriend a Christian? If he isn't, and if you are trying to live a Christian life, run--period. Paul said not to be unequally yoked, what good comes from trying to mix light with darkness? What you end up with is a murky half-light, and isn't one thing or the other. Marriage is hard enough without trying to do it God's way, but your spouse isn't.



These are my opinions and I feel they are God's as well. God bless, hon, I hope you find your answers.

Pat - posted on 05/31/2012

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Like carla said, JESUS said to lust after is adultery. And the issue of your boyfriend being a Christian or not is important. If you are,and he's not, or he says he is but isn't walking right, you are setting yourself up for a lot of stress and hurt. That he doesn't see any problem with it now,and that he slept instead of seeing the hurt it is causing... Red flag. He doesn't see it as a problem,therefore,he is not willing to change it.. there are two problems with this, it hurts u,and he isn't concerned. God says its wrong,he isn't concerned. Not good. And that you have gone through what you have, you need someone you can trust and knows values the word of God,and you as a woman. Not someone who sees women as sex objects. The porn issue is almost always worse than they admit,and its usually progressive.
My opinion, if you are engaged, go to christian premarital counseling. If you aren't that far along...pray,talk to him,and if he doesn't repent, you might be happier with a man who believes and follows the bible(assuming you do). You are not being over sensitive, you are expecting to be treated with respect and love. Go slowly. Its good that this is coming up now,rather than after marriage and kids... Peace to you!

Carla - posted on 06/26/2012

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Unfortunately, I am going to close this thread.

Holly came to us, having been abused and molested, and asked an honest question. She's been wounded and shamefully used, by the man she trusted most in the world, and needs sensitivity and compassion.

I hope everyone has prayed for her as well as each other. God bless

Deedee - posted on 06/20/2012

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Watching porn behind the back of one's spouse can be considered emotional cheating (in my opinion). If it's "out in the open", in other words, not in secret, then the non-porn watching spouse really can't consider it cheating since it's done with the person's knowledge. It's not so much the watching of porn that should be considered the problem. This means there is usually a problem in the marriage that needs to be addressed. I read the post about which you referred. The woman asked God to forgive her for her bitterness but I didn't post whether or not she asked her husband.

Now, to answer your questions:
(1) Don't assume that your spouse considers anything else to be "not cheating". Even asking that question leaves the door wide open for your mind to go places that it really shouldn't. That also will further strain whatever issues you're having in your marriage....because you created a problem that wasn't there.
(2) If you're not married, then this is something you need to consider. You can't gripe about a behavior that you had prior knowledge of. If you allow it now, whether or not it continues IF you get married is completely out of your hands. That's like knowing someone drinks, but you marry him/her anyway, then want to fuss about the drinking.
(3) Personally, I consider it cheating ONLY if it's being looked at in secret...behind the other person's back. It's those secret issues that are usually the problem.
(4) Those are some of my thoughts on the subject.

Now, having said all that, the Bible says that if a man looks at a woman with lust in his heart, he's already committed adultery (the same goes for a woman looking at a man). Also, since this is posted in a Christian Mommie community, I have to say that living with someone while not married is also a sin. I know that will make some angry. I can post about that because my husband and I lived together for 3 years before getting married. Believe me, I was convicted pretty heavy of it. We lived in sin for that long. How is it that another person's sin can be asked about when both parties are guilty in God's eyes? One sin isn't greater than the other.

About the abuse that you dealt with. First of all, let me say that I'm sorry you went through those things. No person should have to deal with abuse. You need to get into God's word to learn about the God you serve....the God who will NEVER leave you or forsake you....the God that will never abuse/use you....only wants HIS will to be fulfilled in your life. "God is NOT a man that he should lie" (first part of Numbers 23:19). It is we who forsake God, lie to God. When we feel that God isn't there, we have to ask ourselves which one of us turned the back to the other. I assure you, it's NOT God who turned his back. God will give you that peace of mind that was taken from you....IF you allow him to. The book of Psalms would be an awesome place to start reading. It may be a hard road for you to get to your healing, but it's one that must be traveled. You must allow God to get you to the place that you no longer doubt, blame, accuse, etc a man because of what another one did.

God loves you. Get things right with HIM before asking about your boyfriend's sin/cheating.

Christina - posted on 06/25/2012

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HI ladies! I've thought a lot about this post since I last replied; not sure why, but I have. For me, my response was to address the question of whether or not I thought its cheating for my husband/partner to watch or look at pornography. My answer, althought I'm sure is unpopular, was my attempt to address only that question. I understand that there are many with very strong feelings about pornography in general which I share. Had the question been "do you think pornography is ok?" or "is pornography allowed in your home?" my answer would be a difinitive NO. Do I (myself) think my partner is cheating on me when he watches or looks at pornography, no....my reason, again I'm sure won't be popular, but he is not looking (lusting) over a "real" woman in those instances. Yes, she is a real person, but it's not real. I'm not saying that in some (or many) cases that a man can't confuse reality (me) for fantasy (her), but she is not a real person threatening my relationship. To me, when it becomes an obsession, it's the obsession that is threatening my relationship, not the pornography itself; that is assuming its adults not the other autrocities that have been exploited. I honestly hope I never have to address this issue whenever I get married. I hope my husband would much rather have fantasies about the real woman (me) who stands with him, than to have any desire to look at anything else. Be well everyone! Christina

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♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 06/26/2012

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Linda again you not me. I'm allowed to be Christian yet not believe exactly as you do. I believe Christ also expects us to be respectful of other's beliefs and vaules. God created everyone differently even to believe differently. And what I said even if you don't believe it is widely accepted even among other Christians.



Porn is not always degrading- how much of it have any of you watched yourselves? I don't mean the hard core stuff. Many men and women watch it just to fantasize about their spouses doing what their watching to them.



Christina well put. That's what myself and Deedee have been trying to say.



Carla thank you. I'm married to an Athiest BTW, I end up having religious debates with him and that makes my beliefs stronger while I question other parts of religion. This most likely accounts for my beliefs differing from most on here. But trust me we are evenly yoked and he respects my beliefs just as I respect his lack of beliefs.

Patricia - posted on 06/25/2012

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my partner does not even come to me for sex gets himself off over it he is not interested in me at all but reckons he loves me and wants to be with me what a load off garbage

LISA - posted on 06/25/2012

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Here is the thing it doesn't matter what we consider it cheating or not. How does it make you feel, honestly in your heart; because even if you/we don't think it is cheating will that make your heart feel any better? No and that is what you have to consider, things don't have to actually be a sin to hurt us, our feelings that are controlled by our emotions and from what you have said you have aleady been torn in that area of your life. As your mate he has to be sentative to your feelings and your needs, he has to understand you fully as a person a well as you him. Sit back and think how well do you know him, knowing him doesn't just mean because you two are together but how much time have you two really invested in going deeper into each others heart, soul and mind to know that person so well that even if they do something you don't like you know beyond a reasonable doubt that he isn't doing things to hurt you. At that point you ask yourself, self "does he look at porn just because or is it an attempt to hurt me as well as disrespect me"!!

Teresa - posted on 06/23/2012

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Jesus even states that if a man just look upon a woman other than his wife and lusts after her than he has committed adultery already. That being wnough for me, on a secular level, anything you would not want done to your daughter, sister, mother, whatever...then you should not condone yourself. Porn degrades humans to animals. We are not animals subject to our desires. We are cognizant human beings with discernment and respect for all others. It is such a socially accepted vice, I would not let this one go. I would be relentless.

Christina - posted on 06/22/2012

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What a beautiful bunch of women you all are with both your similarities and differences! I understand that this is a touchy topic for some, but not a big issue for others. This particular topic has never been an issue for me, but it has given me pause to consider the posibilities.

First, I'd like to say out the gate is that I am a blood bought, spirit filled, born again, lover of the Most High!!!! lol...I always get rowdy when I say this! I love Christ!! So, with that out there, I'd like to participate with this conversation. DeeDee you've made a comment on the 1st page that is completely awesome. As I've mentioned, I haven't had issues with this topic before, but I can see where both view points of all are well thought out. I've been taught that we are to be mindful as to what enters or leaves our "gates"....eye gate, ear gate, mouth gate.....what we put "inside" of us will take root at somepoint if it's put there enough times. ( seed, sow...) Never having a partner that looked at pornography all the time or replaced our intimacy with it, I'm hard pressed as to what I conclusively feel about it. Since we are to be mindful as to what we do/hear/see I would have to say that, especially if it's sever, this is something that needs to be removed from it's place of temptation. I do believe that we all have a propencity to have some form of inequity such as worrying, over eating, smoking, alcohol....but, if I'm understanding scripture correctly, the sin is when it's something that becomes all-consuming....over indulgence.....takes a place of importance in one's life....in essence it becomes a god in our life.

So, since the topic is pornography, and aside from the reasons I think it's (pornography) stupid and my feelings of extreme dislike over it, I'd say that we can only be responsible and we can only hold ourselves accountable for things we (ourself do)....we can't take the place of God in any person's life by trying to impress upon them why or why not they should or should not do something. This is not to say that I don't think speaking up is the way to go either.

I struggle to find the right words for my thoughts over this subject. Question I ask myself is "do I think it's cheating to look and therefore get sexually excited while viewing pornography?" Answer: While looking at Matt 5:27-29 in the amplified version, I interperet the scripture to say that while it's and act of committing adultery with "her" in the heart, the adultery is against God (putting something above Him). So, my interpertation is that it's not essentially about what he is causing his partner to feel, it's about what he's doing against God. So, no I don't think he is cheating (per se) on his partner, but I do believe he is grieving the Holy Spirit and going against God's Word.....that is the sin. Question I also ask myself is "Do I think that men (or women) should never look at pornography?" Answer: Since, I myself, don't have sexual trama in my past effecting me, and other than my thinking that pornography is stupid and amoungst other thoughts on it, but also understanding that we are to be mindful as to what we allow ourselves to see/hear/speak......my thought is no, I don't think looking at it (infrequently, rarely) is not expected. We are curious, sexual beings and I don't think (when there are no underlying issues such as excessiveness or partner has expressed their desire for him/her to not look at it) making a person feel guilty or shamed for it is the right tactic either. Let God be God and allow Him through the Holy Spirt to work this out for a person. Personally, I know for me, the more I get intuned with the Word, the less I'm interested in anything that is not pure. For instance, I like to read romance novels. I love the ones with Navy Seals, and tough guy cops and what have you...lol...muscles...lol....w'ever.....but occassionally I get a book that the HS will nudge me to put down.....I do, usually throw it away. I was saved through faith, by grace, and given mercy.

I love y'alls posts. Holly, I think you are the most beautiful "you" there is....God is a great God, so when your ready to receive the finished work at the Cross, you will....be healed sister from the inside out!! With much love & respect ~ Christina

Carla - posted on 06/21/2012

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Thank you, Linda. When I used 'we', I was speaking for the majority of the ladies in this particular community, Megan. We live our lives according to the Bible, and believe with our whole being that this is correct. It is not an easy road, but it will be worth it in the end.



I believe God can change an individual, because he changed my husband. It was part of the sin he was carrying, not his DNA. When he re-dedicated his life back over to Jesus, he didn't feel the need to chat up the other women online. We have to face up to the responsibility for our lives and the choices we make. No excuses, no blame.



I pray you continue to search for Truth, Megan. I pray God gives you wisdom beyond your years. I pray He grant you a blessed marriage and that the Holy Spirit walks beside you.



God bless

Linda - posted on 06/21/2012

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Megan, this is the "CHRISTIAN" mommies group, and WE DO believe 100% of what is in the Bible. (See the statement of faith in the first few conversations.) The Bible is pretty clear about God ordaining marriage from the very beginning with Adam and Eve. I have never read any convincing scientific evidence of cheating being hardwired into our DNA; however, even if one study did supposedly show that, science can not, in fact, prove anything. It can only show evidence to support a particular hypothesis...and routinely scientific hypotheses are proven to be wrong. The Word of God, however, does not change and stands forever. What is "hardwired" into every human being is sin...ever since the Fall.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 06/21/2012

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@ Carla you believe. Not we and not I. Some Christians do accept scientific evidence of DNA and cheating being wired into it. Please do not presume to speak for everyone especially not for me. Because I've done enough research outside of Christianity to believe that there are some things that are accepted to my beliefs.

Also as Deedee stated don't assume that because you veiw something a certain way that your spouse does as well. It's better to sit down and talk with your spouse if something bothers you

Ellen - posted on 06/21/2012

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DeeDee, I didn't take offense. I should have told you in that post that I had also asked for my husbands forgiveness. I didn't take it as you being rude :)

I just want to help encourage others when they are facing this situation. I wish I was already on the "other side" of this, but unfortunately, I"m not. I'm in the midst of it.

But God is good, and I do NOT believe that this is an impossible situation, because:



My God is THE God of the impossible!! There is NOTHING, not one thing that is too impossible for Gods hand to reach and take care of.

Nothing comes my way, unless it has been filtered through HIS hands first. I have to remind myself, daily, (minutely) of this.

Thank you, and God bless.

Deedee - posted on 06/21/2012

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I wasn't trying to be rude when I said that. I was asking a simple question since it wasn't mentioned.

Ellen - posted on 06/21/2012

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I am the lady who asked God for forgiveness, and yes, I DID ask my husband for forgiveness, and as usual, he didn't say a word in response. This is his normal reaction to anything. And, yes, this has been our whole marriage. No response, no communication. It is not easy being married to someone like this. But, again, I take my marriage vows very seriously. I believe that I am to stay, even after many struggles and obstacles in our marriage. But I still love him, but this has been the hardest obstacle I have come up against. I know that Satan is attacking me, big time. I have to keep my eyes focused on the Lord, to make it through, and keep praying for God to "rip the veil from my husbands eyes, so that he sees his need for the Lord in his life".

God has been working on me, through this. I have/had to change. I am slowly, with the Holy Spirits leading, been doing that. I have had to eat crow.

God is so good. I don't know where I would be right now, if I DIDN'T have the Lord in my life. I am re reading for the 2nd time, Power of a praying wife. I have really been praying those prayers that she has in the book. It has been a real comfort to me.

And I read my bible everyday, am involved in a couple of strong prayer groups, who continually lift up me and my marriage in prayer.

So I am making it. I know that the Lord allows struggles, just such as these, to build us up, then we can help others who are facing the same situations.

I just don't enjoy this "pruning" at all. :)

Thanks and God bless you all.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 06/20/2012

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Ladies, we're talking about footage of a woman or women your husband won't meet and doesn't know. I know some of you don't believe in science or biology- but some people (men and women) do veiw porn as a form of foreplay. It's how they get into the mood. It's when it starts to take the place of actual intimacy that it becomes a problem.

I've was cheated on by my ex husband so no looking and thinking are not the same thing as actually touching someone.

Jennifer, you do have a point that maybe there are needs not being met and both parties need to talk about it. But veiwing porn and feeling turned on isn't the same IMO as lusting after someone you actually know.

Jennifer - posted on 06/19/2012

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I think it is cheating. As husbands and wives we are supposed to "forsake all others", right? We are supposed to meet each other's needs, and if someone in the relationship is looking elsewhere, even if it is just looking, then some need isn't being met. It may not be something that is easy to discuss, but it is a conversation that needs to happen.

Carla - posted on 06/19/2012

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@Megan--we believe in the Creation by God. There was NEVER a time when God ordained not being monogamous, nor did He wire our DNA with promiscuity. He ordained marriage and fidelity within the confines of marriage. I don't think we can marry together the thoughts that looking at porn, either for entertainment or as foreplay, is Biblically okay. IF we believe the Bible (and I believe EVERY word in it), then, looking to lust is cheating, period, paragraph. Now I can look at a good looking man OR woman and say 'that is a truly beautiful individual', then go on about my business without another thought about them. If, however, I am still thinking about that person 20 minutes from now, that is lust, and I'd better get it out of my head!

You have your opinions, I have mine. But being a part of a Christian community such as this, I would be remiss if I didn't address this issue. We either believe that the Bible is the Holy Spirit-inspired Word of God, or we believe it's a bunch of words made up by Man. I choose to believe God lovingly wrote each and every Word for us to live by.

God bless.

Linda - posted on 06/19/2012

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Yes, Megan, we all sin every day. Jesus also said that if we were angry with someone (to the point of hating them) it was the same as murder in God's eyes. (Matthew 5) God looks at the heart. Unfortunately, "the heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked" Jeremiah 17:9. The Bible also says in Romans that "ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" Romans 3:23



However, the Bible also says that Jesus paid the penalty for our sin on the cross. John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotton son that whoever believes in him should not perish but have everlasting life"



We have a wonderful Savior! We understand that better when we understand how great is our sin.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 06/19/2012

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So by that arguement Ellen, We're all sinful and sinning every day by even looking at someone other than our husbands. You're entitled to your opinion just as I'm entitled to mine. The Bible was written by imperfect MEN in the first place and I was taught it was open to interpretation.

Ellen - posted on 06/19/2012

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So correct, Mary Beth.
Bible authority:
"IF a man EVEN looks at another woman with lust, he is committing adultery".
Doesn't that say it all????? In my opinion, It does.
I really don't think Jesus would think it was ok either.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 06/19/2012

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Mary Beth, that's because Jesus was the son of God and we're all human. It's human nature to be imperfect and to look at other people, for both women and men. Looking is innocent and part of our DNA from back when we weren't monogomous and worried about survival. My husband looks at naked (and half naked) men and women all the time for work, when he was in school he had to look at naked women for a semester for a life drawing class. That wasn't cheating. Neither is just looking at porn as a part of foreplay or for entertainment.

What the OP's husband is doing isn't cheating- it's an addiction and should be treated as such. He's displaying a destructive habit and isn't seeking help for it. Unless he is actively seeking women outside of his marriage (as my ex husband did) he's not commiting adultry, he's not cheating.

Mary - posted on 06/18/2012

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I feel it is cheating. He is looking at other women, the only way he should be lookin at his wife. I ask myself before I do anything, If Jesus was literaly sitting beside me, would I say hey Jesus come and see, do, listen to this with me. If I would be ashamed of his answer, then I should not be doing it. I can not see Jesus looking at pictures of naked men with me and dont see that he would approve of men looking at naked women with him sitting there watching.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 06/15/2012

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I'd just pray that he'd go get some counselling because it's an addiction and he needs some help

Carla - posted on 06/15/2012

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@J1974--Your remark about you don't talk to people about this because it's embarrassing is EXACTLY why we have this forum! We are relative 'strangers', but have one thing in common--we love Jesus, and are trying to live our lives the best we can. We tell each other stuff here that we would probably NEVER tell our friends! But, as we bare our souls looking for answers, we find encouragement, strength, hope and love from our sisters here. We also find friendships that will last a lifetime.

Praying the Holy Spirit speak to your husband and tells him what a good life he is throwing away. God bless, honey

Patricia - posted on 06/14/2012

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i feel the same feel like it is cheating and betrayal as well and he won't even tell me why

Patricia - posted on 06/14/2012

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J1974 my husband only wants the porn not me when iask why or try and work things out he just says i dont know if it wasn't for my horrid mother inlaw that i know he would allow them access to if we split up i would haveleft already still thinking seriously about it

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 06/14/2012

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I hope you do find the courage and I hope your husband will see that he needs help. Porn is fine when it's just an occasional thing or used as part of foreplay, but when it's used in place of sex and intimacy then it's an addiction that needs to be helped. It's good that you've finally got your husband to see someone but I hope you and God can help him see that he has a problem.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 06/14/2012

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I still say it's not cheating. J in your husband's case it's become an obsession and he's decided to blame his problems on you. I hope you can get things worked out.

J1974 - posted on 06/14/2012

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Wow! Are they all the same? I have been married almost 15 years and just discovered 50 links to porn sites my husband looks at. I confronted him and of course I was told that I should just deal with it. Let me be a guy he said. I was absolutely devastated and finally decided to seek counseling for myself.

According to him, this is my issue due to my upbringing with an alcoholic mother. I am sensitive too. My self-esteem is non-existent, intimacy has been an issue. I wasnt always there and according to my husband the porn thing is my fault. I don't buy it.. I have been more available and really trying to change and his behavior is still the same. We could have sex 4 times a day and I would still bet he would view it. My counselor told me also that irregardless of my issues he is still making a choice to view it.

Now he hides the files and logs onto different search engines and sneaks around. I have tried to discuss these issues with him. He gets angry and denies all of it.
I have the trust issues that you have for different reasons but I can sympathize... I go back and forth between wanting to leave, disgust, and acceptance.

I think the part that hurts the most is that I thought my husband was someone else when we met. He is not the person I fell in love with. I never thought that I would be sitting here almost 20 years after meeting him and wondering why I am still here.

If it bothers you, deal with it now. Here I am 15 years later and I think that this is a dealbreaker, but I am trying to be accepting. If it bothers you, please let him know where you stand on this issue because trust me, you won't learn to accept it if it bothers you.

This is a very big deal to me, I feel that it is cheating and a betrayal. We also have 2 daughters, I can't believe that he doesnt see this as a disrespect to myself and the girls. This has consumed my life for the last 4 months, it is one of the most traumatic things I have had to deal with.

All of this is compounded by the fact that I work very early. I go to bed early some nights because I get up at 4am. It upsets me when I hear the porn late at night so I shut the door to my bedroom and he wonders why I close the door. Most of the time he doesn't even come up to our room, he claims it is so he doesn't wake me. I told him that I would like him to come up at night, he will not take my feelings into consideration, but claims that I am the selfish person in the relationship.

He works out of our home, and everytime I come home after work he is usually on the laptop. How could I think that he might throw a load of laundry in the washer or do the dishes or clean up? I also do the books for his business, all of the shopping, planning, scheduling of children's activities, bill paying, etc.

If I get upset I am the witch, according to him I am hard on him and I have issues...He will go to counseling with me and I quote, if it will help me. He doesn't have any issues. According to him he did nothing for me to treat him harshly.

Sorry I rambled, I hope my perspective helps you decide what you want to do. I have been holding all of this in for so long. Very few people know because it is such an embarrasing thing to tell people.

Karen - posted on 06/13/2012

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i find this to be not cheating. we all have fantasies and as you grow in a marriage if trust becomes an issue then that's really a deal breaker for me. but if that is all the person is looking at porn and not cheating i see nothing wrong with this.... Married or not all relationships have bumpy roads. you either work through them and if that's not possible then move on.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 06/12/2012

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If your husband is so addicted to porn that it causes problems at home, I'd call it a mental problem not cheating. Some men just need porn as part of their foreplay or when they masturbate. When it starts to take control of their lives to the extent that they don't desire the actual act of having sex then it crosses into being a problem. But to me cheating involves another person whom you can physically touch.

I do believe you should speak with your boyfriend about your concerns that his porn interest is becoming an obession and is taking a toll on your relationship. But I'd hesistate at calling it sinful or cheating. Just tell him you're worried for the sake of your relationship especially after what you went through.

India - posted on 06/07/2012

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I think that people have different opinions of what cheating is or isn't. If your friend believes something is cheating and she has confronted her husband about it, but he continues to do it, I think that's cheating.

Carla - posted on 06/05/2012

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Hope, first of all, if I offended you by calling you sweetheart, I apologize. If you go back and read the posts I write, I call everyone sweetheart, honey, etc. It's just the way I am.

We believe the Bible was written by man, but under the guidance of the Holy Spirit. I have lived a LOT of years, and have found the words to be true. But everyone has a right to their own opinion. AND, if you feel I was talking down to you, again, I apologize. There was certainly NO thought of doing so.

I hope you come back and visit us often. You will see there are a great bunch of women here that just want to encourage and help each other through the hardness of life.

God bless.

Hope - posted on 06/05/2012

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So, you're basically saying porn invokes the thought of sleeping with another woman? I think one needs to experience such before judging. I don't think of porn as my husband envisioning sleeping with somebody else. The bible was written from word of mouth Carla, I was raised catholic and was once religious like yourself, I however asked "too many questions" and was forced out. I honestly don't think the bible really says what "He" truly meant. There are several interpretations, however I do not follow my life exactly to what the bible says and never will. If you wish to talk down to me calling me "sweetheart" as if implying you have greater intellect on the subject matter, I will politely laugh and dismiss whatever you interpret in the bible as "He" believes. Since you so easily do the same.

Carla - posted on 06/05/2012

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Sorry, Hope, I have to respectfully disagree. If your husband is so given over to porn that he is neglecting his responsibilities at home, it IS cheating. He has cheated in his heart. Doesn't matter if his body followed or not.

Yes, Jesus is all about heart issues. I really don't think He makes a distinction between thinking about sleeping with another woman 24/7 or actually going out and having an affair. The fidelity of the heart has been defiled. Everyone has been tempted--and the Bible says that Jesus was tempted in ALL things, yet didn't sin. So did the thought of a little fling cross His mind? The Bible says He was tempted in ALL things, so, the answer is yes. Did He sin? No. Why? Because His love of God won over. So, if you see a good-lookin' girl and the thought comes into your mind, there will be an immediate war going on between what Satan wants you to do, and what God tells you is wrong. It is what you do with this argument that tells God you are His.

Also, sweetheart, the Bible is the same, yesterday, today and forever. If the Bible tells us something was sin 2000 years ago when it was written, it's still sin today, period.

God bless, all

Hope - posted on 06/05/2012

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I am by no means religious, but I just did some research on your situation and I think I have some advice for you.......

Jesus addressed this when talking to the Pharisees who were all about outward appearances. I think He wanted to stress that you can physically avoid certain sins, but if in your heart you're giving into them, then you are not as innocent as you think you are.

A marriage shouldn't break up UNLESS physical adultery has taken place.

While your significant other looking at porn may be morally wrong in the bible, the bible wasn't meant to be followed word for word. As times change, people change.

Cyndel - posted on 06/03/2012

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I agree with Carla, Jesus said if you look at a woman lustfully then it is equal to walking over and have sex with her right there.
Cheating.
I would see it as cheating, and take the same action if I caught my husband (or he confessed to) looking at porn as if I walked in on him with another woman (or he confessed to physically being with another woman). I would move him out of our bed, immediately insist on counseling.
If he refused he would be out on his rear.

Patricia - posted on 06/02/2012

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i consider it cheating my husband did this to me and when asked t choose that or the kids and me he blatently lied an still kept doing this day after day and night after nigt i was extremely hurt upset and later angry he never wants to be with me even now but he says he is not doing it any more i don't believe him

Linda - posted on 06/01/2012

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So glad to hear you've returned to the Lord. We have a great and forgiving God! "You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to you." Psalm 86:5

Holly Janelle - posted on 06/01/2012

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I am a Christian and have asked jesus to be in my heart and this was at age four and I completely understood and had knowledge of exactly what I was doing. I was also baptized when I myself made the decision to be on Easter Sunday. My boyfriend is also a Christian and asked Jesus in his heart and has been baptized also. I go to church on Sunday and I look forward to church everyday and honestly can't wait for Sunday to come around. Although I do have my daily devotion when I am not at church. I have fallen away from God and I have been angry for the abuse he allowed to happen to me but I realize he allowed it to happen for a reason. I have recently in the past year come back to God and pray that I will not stray again.

If you are talking about inconsistency having to do with the fact we live together and have a beautiful daughter and his 11 yo step son we have full custody of together then yes we know that's not pleasing to God we knew we should have gotten married before moving in together and having a baby but that was a decision we made And know it isn't godly. We haven't gotten married because we are waiting until the time is right for both of us. We both grew up in broken homes and I want to make sure that doesn't happen with us which is why we are recieving premarital counseling before we take that beautiful step in our lives. Does that answer your question?

We talked about it yesterday and he agnowledged he was asleep when I started talking to him about it so he didn't answer appropriately and agreed with me about cheating and i let him know I have 0 tolerance before pleasuring himself and watching porn and he basically said deal because I will never do that so it doesn't matter either way. Now looking at naked pictures of women or through a movie we are watching I don't think it's cheating if he isn't intentionally looking to pleasure himself those thing are sadly everywhere it's hard to get away from :(

Thank for everyones advice and time :)

Angela - posted on 06/01/2012

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I lived with this. My first husband ate, drank, lived and breathed porn. I didn't like it. I don't have to put up with it from my second husband who is respectful. He doesn't waste his money or his time on porn. For us PORN = YAWN

On another thread somewhere on Circle of Moms (might have even been here on Christian Mommies) someone gave this quote which I quite like:

"As long as he eats at home, I don't care where he gets his appetite!"

Which is another way of looking at it. But for some it's an ongoing addiction and not simply an occasionally dalliance.

Regularly looking at and lusting over porn would not qualify as "adultery" in a divorce court. However if the obsession with porn was prolonged and extremely distressing for the wife then it could be grounds for "partner's unreasonable behaviour".

So whether it's cheating is a subjective matter.

I personally would hate it though.

Linda - posted on 06/01/2012

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Holly, I'm just curious. Do you consider yourself a Christian? What about your boyfriend? And are you a Christian as in NOT a muslim or buddhist, or are you a Christian as defined by the Bible? The Biblical definition of a Christian is if you have admitted to God you are a sinner (since all have sinned--Romans 3:23), repented and turned away from your sin, accepted the free gift of salvation offered to us by God through the death of Jesus on the cross (John 3:16), confessed Him as Lord and Savior of your life (Romans 10:9,10), and are trying to live your life to please God in every way.

I'm just asking because I'm a little confused by some inconsistencies. Or perhaps you just recently became a Christian?

Holly Janelle - posted on 05/31/2012

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He isn't looking at porn or anything the subject just came up because of what I read about the lady and her husband. I want to have a calm conversation with him about it I'm just worried that it could get heated quickly because of my past and how I feel and how hurtful it is to me especially because of my past I really want him to know how I feel though and I want him to understand how I feel too..

Pat we do have kids a 14 month old daughter and I have an 11 year old step son.

Ellen - posted on 05/31/2012

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Yes, Holly, I DO consider it cheating. I know that there are a lot of different opinions on this, and since I know "first hand" how it feels, that is what it feels like to me.
Porn is addictive, and if not stopped, I believe it will just lead to more and more and worse and worse things. Mark Gungor gave some excellent information on porn and how it affects men, wives and their marriages. It's pretty shocking. And scarey.
I felt like I wasn't enough for my husband, and how degrading that he would self pleasure himself after watching these videos, or viewing these pictures.
It hurts.
As Carla said, if a man even looks at another woman with lust, it's cheating.
It truly is a big thing if you are a Christian and he is not. You also didn't mention that he may be looking at porn. If he is, please consider your options very carefully.
I hope that things work out for you. Trust God, pray for guidance.
God bless

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