Battling over broken heart from pornography in marriage

[deleted account] ( 38 moms have responded )

I hesitate in asking on here for advice, encouragement, support because this is so confidential and difficult. I really don't have anyone to talk to though about this because I don't want anyone WE know to know - I want to protect his name and keep this very private. I found out this Jan. that my husband has struggled in this area for a very long time and has kept it secret. I have felt so betrayed, hurt and have been struggling with my self-image. I think, how could he have done this to me? How could I be so terrible to look at that he needed to look at other women. My heart is so burdened and heavy...It's so hard to pretend everything is ok with all I know to keep this issue private. We are both Christians and he is heartbroken and ashamed (thank God) but our marriage of just over a year is really struggling. It hasn't helped that he does not hardly ever initiate sex or touch me in that way since shortly after marriage...I can't help but feel that something is wrong with me and all my dreams for a godly marriage are so broken apart. I'm in this for life and he is in this for life, I love him...but my heart hurts so much. I could really use some encouragement and prayers. I'm a sister in Christ who longs to follow Him and have a lasting loving marriage relationship. Is there someone else out there who has gone through this?

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Julie - posted on 03/15/2009

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Hi, I just wanted to share with you and encourage you. My husband and I are also going through this right now, so I know how you feel. I knew when we got married that my husband had struggled with pornography in the past but had overcome it with the help of some good accountability partners. Recently, he shared with me that he is struggling again. We just had our first child less than 6 months ago, so I feel like it is my fault because my body has changed and my sex drive has diminished. But I remind myself that my husband tells me he is still attracted to me, and I need to believe him. I am grateful for the fact that he is coming to me openly about this and not trying to hide it. My husband is buying a computer program that your husband may be interested in: it sends weekly reports of everything he views on the internet to up to 3 people that he chooses. An accountability program. If you are interested, I will ask him what the name of the program is. I am sure that you and your husband will be able to work through this. I understand wanting to keep it private, but please reach out to your pastor or a counselor if you need more help.

God bless.

Erica - posted on 03/16/2009

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Hello,



I may be jumping on the band wagon late but wanted to extend my support for you and let you know that your marriage can survive! My husband and I have been dealing with this (and more as it led to an affair) over the last couple of years. One of the things that hurt me the most was my desire to live in a marriage of God and I had many people telling me I needed to leave him or that it was normal. What he was looking at was not normal and I needed to stay in the marriage because I promised God I would. Now that being said it is not an easy task. I have been in counciling and so has my husband. I know that sharing the secret is really hard but you both need to decide on some good Godly people (both men and women) that you are ok with sharing this with because as you both heal you need those accountability partners. Trust is a huge issue and that really does begin to come back over time. One source that really helped me (besides my closest friends) was the website partnersforpurity.com a site where I could go and just cry or vent or whatever I needed to do. On that site you can be anonymous (but keep in mind you need to confide in someone!). It is a Christian site and the women on it are good Godly women who can help if they do nothing more then pray for you and your husband. Please remember through it all that you are Gods child and nothing can change that. He can get you through even when you are mad at him!! I will pray for you and my email is e.mastin@hotmail.com if you want to talk privately- or pray or cry or whatever! I know someone else suggested xxxchurch.com and I whole heartedly agree- it is a wonderful site that offers guidance and support for both of you- as well as some wonderful books that will help! Father- please bring this daughter of yours comfort. help her to see your love through her difficult time. Lord bring healing to her and her husband that their marriage can experience your peace In Jesus name Amen.

[deleted account]

First, let me say I'm so sorry for the difficult situation that you're going through. Secondaly, I have to stress that it's NOT your fault!!! From what you said your husband has struggled with this addiction long before he met you. You said that you are both Christians. Are you memebers of a church? If so, I would strongly suggest that he pursue counseling for this addiction (through the church.) Pornography isn't something to be taken lightly!



Growing up, my Father was addicted to it as well. I've seen first hand how it can snowball into something far more destructive. From one Christian to another I want to share what the Word of God say's concerning this. Jesus said that if a man looks at a woman with lust, he has already committed adultery with her in his heart. This is a very serious issue that he is dealing with. First and foremost he needs to repent and seek forgiveness for this sin.



Also, you need to seek counseling for yourself. God made us so different from men that it's impossible for us to understand how they can be in bondage to something like that. We assume that it's our fault, something we lack. something we're doing wrong. You need to know that that is a lie! You could look exactly like one of those girls that he looks at and he would still be distant when it comes to your love life.



Lastly, the most important thing that you can do is PRAY for him. He needs your prayers! If he truely loves the Lord, then the fact that he's in bondage to sin keeps him in a very shameful and guilty place. Stormie Omartain has a book "Power of a Praying Wife." I'm sure there are books related directly to your situation. One last thing, if it's the internet that he's using to look at porn, cancel it!!! I know neither of you want to hear that, but you have to quit making it so easy to look at. If it's movies, cancel the movie channels, magazines... throw them away, together! If you haven't seen the movie "Fire Proof" watch it together as soon as possible. It deals with pornography addiction in marriage. I hope that something I've said has been helpful. I know exactly how you feel. I've been there myself many years ago with my ex husband. Just in case you're wondering, he's not my ex because of that. We had much larger issues than just that. I pray that God will help you through this very difficult time in your marriage.

Sincerely,

Leah

Vanessa - posted on 04/07/2009

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My husband and I have struggled with this for a very long time. He grew up thinking this is okay..even when he knew in his heart it was not. We feel the addiction led to his unfaithfulness (since viewing that is another form of it) We started workng with a counselor and doing self help books but I can tell you thins because my husband just told me this recently. In his men's bible study and in our church he has some men he feels he can turn to. And he has made himself accountable to them. He told them of his struggle (and beleive me that was NOT easy for him) and he asked them to pray for him and they try to make sure he is doing what he needs to. If he does waver from what he ought to do, he tells them and also God. He is not trying to take focus from the Lord and what God has sd about this sin, but he knows that his friends are a vessel God uses to keep him on the straight and narrow.






As for you, honey, I know what you are going through. I know the thoughts that can enter your head and how this can affect your self worth (having been there in 2 diff. cases) but know that you are a wonderful and beautiful being that the LORD GOD has made and that you are created in HIS image. It is the devil that tries to discourage you and tear you down with these neg. feelings. I suggest getting on your knees every time the feeling of worthlessness or hurt, or betrayal comes and pray. At first it may seem as though you are constantly in prayer (and I know how hard that can be at time with having a little one around) but God will bless you. Another thing you can do is pray that God binds the devil and protects your house. The bible says whatever is bound on earth is bound in heaven and what is released on earth is released in heaven. Bind the devil and protect your family. He is evil and wants us all to turn away from righteousness but in the end...JESUS always wins!



I don't know if this helps you, butif I can help you in any other way or if you would like to stay in touch with you let me know. you can also email me at ::      vjavon@yahoo.com






God Bless you and your family

Rebekah - posted on 03/16/2009

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I'm so sorry, I can understand how heartbreaking this would be for you.  Have you considered counseling with your Pastor? Another suggestion, is for you and your husband to watch Fireproof - talks exactly about this, and then I would encourage you to buy the "Love Dare" book and try it for yourself. :)

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Lisa - posted on 07/09/2011

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Yes, Andrea, I have gone through this too. It is devastating and there is nothing wrong with you. He has an addiction and probably both of you need Christian counseling for this. My daughter's dad and I did not have a successful end to our story however, because it was found that the reason for his addiction was that he had been sexually abused by his own father as a child, and the addiction unfortunately continued another generation with my daughter's dad also sucumbing to child pornography. This in effect ended the marriage although we did try to pursue Christian counseling in this arena also, but he never could detach from his family of origin. It is a horrible addiction and I will certainly pray for you. Some good books/tapes on the subject are by Steve Arterburn, "Every Mans Battle". I notice this was originally posted on March 7, 2009; I hope things are going better for you now.

Angela - posted on 07/09/2011

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My former husband had all manner of porn - back in the days before there was any Internet. He had magazines, books, pictures, VHS tapes - and even years before that he had Super 8 cine tapes that he played from a projector!

The temptation is even greater nowadays because of the wider, easier availability. So much of the porn online is actually FREE. And for every "normal" or "wholesome" website, there are another 6 relating to sex or porn.

But do you know something? With porn if you've seen one movie, you've as good as seen them all! Honestly, there are only so many variations on a theme. And most guys (Christian or otherwise) who have watched porno movies will readily admit to this.

So instead of berating him for the immoral aspect of using porn, or the monetary expense (which often won't work if he's logging onto FREE sites), why not simply try a little gentle ridicule - and tell him of the things he could have achieved if he'd used that time differently? He wasted his time looking at something he'd seen before presented in different ways.

The fascination with porn often starts at a fairly early age - it's a form of voyeurism, first and foremost - looking at people doing something that's supposed to be private and secret. Quite childish really! Only later is pornography used as a resource to assist masturbation.

Put the focus on him feeling stupid and childish, rather than on him feeliing ashamed and sorrowful.

Ask him "Are you a man who is going to put this behind him now and relate lovingly to his wife? Or are you a silly adolescent who wants to view the sexual escapades of other people (that you don't know from Adam) on a TV/Computer screen? What did the last porn movie show you that you've never seen before? That you never spotted in the first 4 or 5 porn movies you ever watched?"

Solomon said "What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun."
(Ecclesiastes 1:9)

When it comes to pornography, there certainly ISN'T anything new on offer!

Good luck and you're in my prayers!

Laura - posted on 06/11/2009

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Hi Andrea my name is Laura, I must say I agree with alot of the advice that has been said but I disagree with some too. I dont feel you should watch "movies" together then go act it out. I dont see how that would help given his problem

I do think that even if he REFUSES to go to counseling you should still go , unload your feelings and maybe get a better understanding.

Did anything happen to him as a child?? And everyone is right Fireproof was a good movie.

As for possible "affairs" he may be having, its up to you, but you would have a biblical right to divorce.

I know that, thats not what you want to hear. But what about STD's he would be bringing home. What about the example your child will see.

I had a friend whos husband started off with porn and it progresses to affarirs, one night stands, they have 5 kids and shes still with him, and he goes to prostututes he refuses to go to counseling and she dosent even mention it any more. She loves him so she stays.

I dont say that to upset you so PLEASE understand.

Jesus never wanted marriage to look like that, Yes Forgiveness should be a part of it but that dosent mean that you need to be a doormat.

And I know that your situation may not get as bad as my friends but dont get walked on either.

I will be praying for you .

Holly - posted on 06/11/2009

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Hello my name is Holly and I would like to say sorry for what you have ben put threw !Have you ever seen the movie FIRE PROOF?What a wonderfull movie great one for you and your husband to watch ,the husband in that movie is adicted to porn as well im not going to go in to detal but its a church going family and christen family you should watch it (i know it wont help every thing but it might make him see ,on some things .)You need to get some counceling for your self and for him ,I know that you dont want all to know but im sure if you call your Pastor he will be able to help or maybe even coem over to your house ,you need to for give your husband and your husband needs to go to GOD and ask for forgivness.I was wondering if you have a BIBLE ,here are soem verces theat you may want to read Proverbs 18 this are on forgiving ,in the OLD testment ,This one Matthew 5:44-47:but i say unto you ,love your enemies ,bless them that curse you ,do good to themthat hate you and pray for themwitch despitefully use ,and persecute you -also i think Matthew 6-14for if we forgive men thier truspasses,your heavenly father will also forgive you .also Mark 11:25-26,also Ephesians4:32 as well Colossians 3:13,those are for you to read about forgiveness to him your husband .for your husband u to read to Proverbs 5:18 let thy fountain be blessed:rejoice with the wife of thy youth.THE song of soloman is great to read and its long but well worth it .1 corinthians in the new testament7:3 let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence:likewise also the wife unto the husband read thew the rest .I think also Hebrew 13:4 read more in to the end !Peter 3:1 -9 likewise ye wives ,be in subjection to your own husbands;that ,if any obey not the word ,they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives .-at least 9 .

I hope that has helped you in some what ,i know its hard i hope i never have to go thew this this but I will say a prayer for you to day for you and your husband .It is not your falt that your husband doent touch you or that you and him have not had sex ,he proubly feels horable to what he has done for he should feel bad ,to have done that to you .IM looking forward to see if this has helped if you need any more scriptures please let me know how i can help .MAY GOD bless you .yours truley HOLLY

[deleted account]

You and your husband should watch the movie Fireproof! Wonderful movie. In there they will talk about the Love Dare Book. Something to research and consider. Keep you faith strong and you can overcome this and remember that you are beautiful. This addiction of his has nothing to do with you. And he can overcome this. "The will of God will never send you where the grace of God will not protect you" Good luck to you and your family.

Vanessa - posted on 04/07/2009

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My husband and I have struggled with this for a very long time. He grew up thinking this is okay..even when he knew in his heart it was not. We feel the addiction led to his unfaithfulness (since viewing that is another form of it) We started workng with a counselor and doing self help books but I can tell you thins because my husband just told me this recently. In his men's bible study and in our church he has some men he feels he can turn to. And he has made himself accountable to them. He told them of his struggle (and beleive me that was NOT easy for him) and he asked them to pray for him and they try to make sure he is doing what he needs to. If he does waver from what he ought to do, he tells them and also God. He is not trying to take focus from the Lord and what God has sd about this sin, but he knows that his friends are a vessel God uses to keep him on the straight and narrow.






As for you, honey, I know what you are going through. I know the thoughts that can enter your head and how this can affect your self worth (having been there in 2 diff. cases) but know that you are a wonderful and beautiful being that the LORD GOD has made and that you are created in HIS image. It is the devil that tries to discourage you and tear you down with these neg. feelings. I suggest getting on your knees every time the feeling of worthlessness or hurt, or betrayal comes and pray. At first it may seem as though you are constantly in prayer (and I know how hard that can be at time with having a little one around) but God will bless you. Another thing you can do is pray that God binds the devil and protects your house. The bible says whatever is bound on earth is bound in heaven and what is released on earth is released in heaven. Bind the devil and protect your family. He is evil and wants us all to turn away from righteousness but in the end...JESUS always wins!



I don't know if this helps you, butif I can help you in any other way or if you would like to stay in touch with you let me know. you can also email me at ::      vjavon@yahoo.com






God Bless you and your family

Lindsay - posted on 04/06/2009

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First of all.......i cried. I am going through something very much like you. I am at a loss for what to do anymore as well. My husband told me he was sorry, the first, second, third time etc...and that he wouldn't do it again. I have the same feelings. I didnt shower for two and a half weeks one time. I wore the same sweat pants and sweat shirt for two weeks....i didnt want him to even look at me after looking at those other women. I really don't know what to say other than if you need someone to listen to your broken heart i am here along with God. He hears our pain. I seriously think he is the only one who can fix it. Please feel free to email me ANY time. Maybe we can pray together. Take care of yourself and your kiddo. God bless,

Lindsay

lindsaymccalmont@gmail.com

Tracy - posted on 04/06/2009

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I have not been through the pornography but my husband has cheated on me and yes I believe that marriage is for life it so hard to get over have you watched the movie Fireproof that movie has changed alot of marriages always trust in the Lord and he will guide you where he wants you to go. If I hadnt turned my marriage over I really dont think we would be a family today. We all go to church together and my husband has changed since God has come into his life. I will be praying for you and your husband. God Bless You

[deleted account]

Quoting Ami:



I dont want to preach at you as im sure you are WELL AWARE of ALL the scriptual references (and have been quoted them oh too many times :) ), so instead ill try to offer some practical help. As good as counselling is, this is a decision you both need to make. With out him dealing with the SOULish desires that cause him to be attracted to Porn noone will be able to change him & most peoples solution is telling him to stop. That does not deal with the root cause.






 






This is not a fix it solution but it may help lead to the path that may help. Get the movie fire proof it deals with almost Identical issues (its christian based movie to save marriages dealing with Porn) Theres a book that goes with it called the Love dare.... generally watching the movie will explain what it is or maybe you can start doing the love dare yourself. Try amazon.com. Hopefully he'll be willing to watch it with you






 






Even if that wasnt your "issue" (i try to use that word lightly) id suggest EVERy married couple should watch this movie and do the Love Dare






 






May i ask a question?? Is your husband willing to do what it takes to restore your trust in your relation ship?






 Thanks for writing!  Yes, Fireproof was recommended several times on here and I can see why.  It was pretty cool because my husband bought it (I had nothing to do with it) and suggested we watch it together on Valentine's day.  (He also bought me 2 dozen gorgeous red roses...not that that cancels out what was wrong before, but it was definately a good move on his part! :) I cried A LOT and he was very remorseful because he could see how this addiction really affected me and our marriage.  We were both deeply touched...definately a wonderful film...I am sure it has and will touch a lot of people's hearts dealing with their marriages.  It was after this point that things have begun to change in our marriage...we did buy the book.  I think ultimately it is the Lord's hand in His life....I feel assured we will pull through this.  I believe it is the Lord's will that not only will we survive...but we will THRIVE.  I am happy to say he has been clean from looking at anything he shouldn't since Jan. when it came out.  Another good book I found if anyone is interested is "I Surreneder All" about Clay Crosse (Christian musician), his wife and their recovery from pornography.





 

[deleted account]

I dont want to preach at you as im sure you are WELL AWARE of ALL the scriptual references (and have been quoted them oh too many times :) ), so instead ill try to offer some practical help. As good as counselling is, this is a decision you both need to make. With out him dealing with the SOULish desires that cause him to be attracted to Porn noone will be able to change him & most peoples solution is telling him to stop. That does not deal with the root cause.



 



This is not a fix it solution but it may help lead to the path that may help. Get the movie fire proof it deals with almost Identical issues (its christian based movie to save marriages dealing with Porn) Theres a book that goes with it called the Love dare.... generally watching the movie will explain what it is or maybe you can start doing the love dare yourself. Try amazon.com. Hopefully he'll be willing to watch it with you



 



Even if that wasnt your "issue" (i try to use that word lightly) id suggest EVERy married couple should watch this movie and do the Love Dare



 



May i ask a question?? Is your husband willing to do what it takes to restore your trust in your relation ship?



 

[deleted account]

I dont want to preach at you as im sure you are WELL AWARE of ALL the scriptual references (and have been quoted them oh too many times :) ), so instead ill try to offer some practical help. As good as counselling is, this is a decision you both need to make. With out him dealing with the SOULish desires that cause him to be attracted to Porn noone will be able to change him & most peoples solution is telling him to stop. That does not deal with the root cause.



 



This is not a fix it solution but it may help lead to the path that may help. Get the movie fire proof it deals with almost Identical issues (its christian based movie to save marriages dealing with Porn) Theres a book that goes with it called the Love dare.... generally watching the movie will explain what it is or maybe you can start doing the love dare yourself. Try amazon.com. Hopefully he'll be willing to watch it with you



 



Even if that wasnt your "issue" (i try to use that word lightly) id suggest EVERy married couple should watch this movie and do the Love Dare



 



May i ask a question?? Is your husband willing to do what it takes to restore your trust in your relation ship?



 

Cheryl- Chris - posted on 04/05/2009

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You are most welcome! I will pray that your husband will be broadsided with God's conviction to love and to cherish you!!!!



It is always nice to know that I am not alone. Thanks to all of you, and for your prayers!

[deleted account]

Quoting Cheryl- Chris:

Andrea,
I have more time to write, so I am going too! (I never know when my husband is going to walk through the door....) One thing that I have started doing at home only (because I believe that a woman's body should only be for the enjoyment of her husband) is too dress down. (no bras underneath- obviously, if you are nursing, this is not really much of an option. I do stay covered because of my sons, but I make sure my husband is aware of what I am doing.) It has helped. Another thing, I understand about wanting to protect your husband. Sometimes, though in order to get his attention, "drastic measures" are needed. The couple I mentioned earlier? She is my best girlfriend. She took a chance and opend up to me, and visa versa. You will not be judged as a failure if you can find someone you trust who is going through or has gone through the same thing. It has been really beneficial to both my husband and I that this other couple knows- my husband will take certain things better from her, and I can ask her what she went through, and even the changes in her husband. With her husband knowing, he has taken more of a stand about speaking "against" it (filter on the computer, telling his brother to grow up about what movies he watches, and how it is not cool to watch garbage.) I didn't get a chance to tell you this yesterday: you are to forgive your husband. Christ commands it. You don't have to trust your husband. He has to earn it. If he is hurt that you are asking (I still ask my husband when the "warning signs" start appearing in our marriage), oh well. (Yes, my husband still acts hurt when I ask, but I have that right to know- if he isn't, then he has nothing to worry about.) I am not saying that you have liberty to nag him. I mean ask every couple of months if you suspect. By no means should he be accountable to you for his actions. He should be accoutable to other godly men who he trusts and who does not struggle with this. Yes, Fireproof is great, and it sounds like your husband is on the right path towards deliverance from this! Prayers and blessings out to you my sister


Thank you so much for writing!  I did talk to one of my closest girlfriends who is very mature in Christianity...so I have some support and prayer.  She has been the best ever in text-messaging me verses every other day to encourage me. 



Yeah, for all who have gone through this...forgiveness is the daily battle...oh my, it is difficult sometimes.  Some days I feel fine, and others I feel angry and hurt all over again.  Forgiveness is not an option though!  I have to trust that my emotions will follow every time.  I spoke with a trusted pastor's wife for some counsel the day after I found out...her response to my tearful question...what do I do?? was - "Love him."  I almost choked. This is a lesson in unconditional love. 



The other difficulty we have been facing at the same time which makes me feel worse is a lack of interest in me on his part shortly after we married.  This has hurt very deeply.  I have been trying everything to catch his attention...being undressed in front of him, going out of my way to be attractive, available and arrousing.  It seemed to have no effect...then I found out he has been struggling with this for years and years. The only thing I can do is to openly communicate to him about how this makes me feel and pray.  I am depending on the Lord for wisdom.  My husband has been very open and responsive so far to me talking openly to him, but I must remember I cannot change him, only God can change him.  It is my part to be faithful in love, pray for him, and do my best to be there for him. 



I do have the book "Power of a praying wife"  I got it WAY before I married or even knew my husband, so I have been praying over him for years and just didn't know it.  I am going to get it down off the shelf again and because I spend so much time nursing our baby, I have plenty of time to pray.  I am going to be praying for your marriage too. This is a great book and I also recommend it to anyone else going through this situation.



I pray that the Lord shapes us into His likeness...loving like He does.  I pray for spiritual healing in all aspects of marriage, in trust, intimacy and emotions. I pray that the Lord brings conviction from His Spirit into our husband's hearts and that they would desire more than anything to seek after Him. This is the cry of my heart.



Love ya sister...thanks again

Cheryl- Chris - posted on 04/03/2009

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Andrea,

I have more time to write, so I am going too! (I never know when my husband is going to walk through the door....) One thing that I have started doing at home only (because I believe that a woman's body should only be for the enjoyment of her husband) is too dress down. (no bras underneath- obviously, if you are nursing, this is not really much of an option. I do stay covered because of my sons, but I make sure my husband is aware of what I am doing.) It has helped. Another thing, I understand about wanting to protect your husband. Sometimes, though in order to get his attention, "drastic measures" are needed. The couple I mentioned earlier? She is my best girlfriend. She took a chance and opend up to me, and visa versa. You will not be judged as a failure if you can find someone you trust who is going through or has gone through the same thing. It has been really beneficial to both my husband and I that this other couple knows- my husband will take certain things better from her, and I can ask her what she went through, and even the changes in her husband. With her husband knowing, he has taken more of a stand about speaking "against" it (filter on the computer, telling his brother to grow up about what movies he watches, and how it is not cool to watch garbage.) I didn't get a chance to tell you this yesterday: you are to forgive your husband. Christ commands it. You don't have to trust your husband. He has to earn it. If he is hurt that you are asking (I still ask my husband when the "warning signs" start appearing in our marriage), oh well. (Yes, my husband still acts hurt when I ask, but I have that right to know- if he isn't, then he has nothing to worry about.) I am not saying that you have liberty to nag him. I mean ask every couple of months if you suspect. By no means should he be accountable to you for his actions. He should be accoutable to other godly men who he trusts and who does not struggle with this. Yes, Fireproof is great, and it sounds like your husband is on the right path towards deliverance from this! Prayers and blessings out to you my sister

Meriel - posted on 04/02/2009

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I totally agree with you Cheryl!  Porn should not be used in a Christian Marriage!  Great advice! :) 



We should not put anything in front of our eyes that the unsaved do.  We as Christians are suppose to think on things that are pure.



I think you should get the movie Fireproof Andrea.  It has some really good points in it.  The husband in there played by Kirk Cameron struggled with pornography.



All of us as your sisters in Christ should pray for you both as well.



May the Lord give you strength during this time.

Cheryl- Chris - posted on 04/02/2009

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Andrea,

First of all, I totally understand what you are going through. My husband has struggled with this since he was 12 (he will be 27 in Nov). He has apologized many times to me, but would continue to look. Second, I totally disagree with the whole "we have used it as a fun tool for our marriage". God said one man one woman. Yes, there are guys who look for looking sake, but quite frankly, I am not one who believes it should be used in a Christian marriage. You are essentially allowing it, and it is sin. Third, DO NOT BELIEVE THE LIES THAT IT IS YOUR FAULT- because it isn't. Fourth: Start praying for him. If you want your marriage, continue to forgive him. You will have to deal with this for the rest of your marriage (forgiving him). Remember, God has a perfect plan for your marriage. I was to the point of seperating from my husband, and sought out godly counsel from a couple I trust greatly. I am still with my husband, but I have told him that if I find out he has looked since our last confrontation, I will take the boys and leave. I am not looking for a divorce- I do believe that is wrong (unless he refuses to quit.) Fifth: Stormie OMartin's Book Power of A Praying Wife. You will find that you are changed as well, but it is such a big help. Not only have I noticed a difference, but friends of ours have also struggled and dealt with this issue. (The husband is now "clean" in that he will not watch chick flicks if there are scenes he knows he can't watch.)

I started praying, "God, please give me more of a desire for my husband" Guess what? He has~ to the point I wake up wanting "it".

Kristi - posted on 03/31/2009

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Quoting Leah:

First, let me say I'm so sorry for the difficult situation that you're going through. Secondaly, I have to stress that it's NOT your fault!!! From what you said your husband has struggled with this addiction long before he met you. You said that you are both Christians. Are you memebers of a church? If so, I would strongly suggest that he pursue counseling for this addiction (through the church.) Pornography isn't something to be taken lightly!

Growing up, my Father was addicted to it as well. I've seen first hand how it can snowball into something far more destructive. From one Christian to another I want to share what the Word of God say's concerning this. Jesus said that if a man looks at a woman with lust, he has already committed adultery with her in his heart. This is a very serious issue that he is dealing with. First and foremost he needs to repent and seek forgiveness for this sin.

Also, you need to seek counseling for yourself. God made us so different from men that it's impossible for us to understand how they can be in bondage to something like that. We assume that it's our fault, something we lack. something we're doing wrong. You need to know that that is a lie! You could look exactly like one of those girls that he looks at and he would still be distant when it comes to your love life.

Lastly, the most important thing that you can do is PRAY for him. He needs your prayers! If he truely loves the Lord, then the fact that he's in bondage to sin keeps him in a very shameful and guilty place. Stormie Omartain has a book "Power of a Praying Wife." I'm sure there are books related directly to your situation. One last thing, if it's the internet that he's using to look at porn, cancel it!!! I know neither of you want to hear that, but you have to quit making it so easy to look at. If it's movies, cancel the movie channels, magazines... throw them away, together! If you haven't seen the movie "Fire Proof" watch it together as soon as possible. It deals with pornography addiction in marriage. I hope that something I've said has been helpful. I know exactly how you feel. I've been there myself many years ago with my ex husband. Just in case you're wondering, he's not my ex because of that. We had much larger issues than just that. I pray that God will help you through this very difficult time in your marriage.
Sincerely,
Leah


First, I am so glad to hear that you are both Christians.  Keep in mind that the devil is coming at both of you hard right now.  At your husband with the tempations of pornography, and at you by lying to you and making you feel like this is your fault somehow.  I agree with almost every post on here. While this is 'normal' behavior for a man, it is not acceptable as a Christian man.  Don't let Satan tell you this is normal and don't let him tell you that you have to divorce him either. 



My husband has been battling a drug addiction for a long time now.  I am standing in faith that the Lord will deliver him from this.  I will be honest, it is very difficult.  I have had lots of people, even family members who have been Christian role models in my life, tell me that I should leave him.  But I don't believe that.  I believe that my God is FAITHFUL!  I do believe that there are boundaries that you should set, however.  Right now, my husband is continuing to use and I have made him leave and don't allow him to see my son except for at church.  But I tell him everyday that I love him, and that I will support him and pray for him, but he has to make an effort to get clean and I have to see fruits from that effort before he can come home.  (Right now, we are looking into Teen Challenge - which is a treatment center for all addictions that uses a Biblical approach, not a 12-step approach.)  I believe you can be freed and delivered from your addiction!



I agree with EVERYTHING that Leah said in the above passage.  It is not your fault. - Counseling in the church is best. - This is very serious. - First step for your husband, repentance. - PRAY - Watch FireProof. - Cancel the internet & tv. , whatever is aiding him to sin.  (I know other's have recommended the computer software for accountability.  This may work, and if it does, great! But if it doesn't, then by all means, eliminate any open doors that will allow Satan to come into your home.)



The last thing that I want to express is something I believe you will feel uncomfortable with and that is DO NOT KEEP THIS HIDDEN!  We have been going to a church for a year now that puts a huge emphasis in helping those in recovery for addictions.  If you have a local Celebrate Recovery program, it would be good for your husband.  It helped my husband out tremendously.  I was amazed at the number of men and women who are so open about their past addictions.  But God wants us to use our times of tribulation to glorify his name.  Your husband may be able to help someone change his life by his testimony.  I used to be so ashamed of my husband's addiction, (and I too had the questions in the back of my head asking me why was I not enough for him?) but the Lord has shown me that by sharing with people that I know and trust, I am gaining prayer warriors to help me and my husband conquer this battle.  One lady told me Sunday night at church that God is our Jehovah Nissi - our Banner.  We can wave the flag of victory b/c we already have it by putting faith in God over my husband's struggles. 



Our pastor just preached on this last Sunday.  If you would like to hear his podcast go to www.cookevilleag.com . Listen to the sermon from 3/29/09.  Listen to it all b/c the sermon is about the Hinderances to Your Prayer Life.  The final point is 'If you are not walking in the light".  I believe it would really help you and your husband overcoming any fear about letting your 'secret' out.  Sin grows in secrecy!  Please keep us posted.  I will keep you in my prayers.

Lindsey - posted on 03/30/2009

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Quoting Erica:



Hello,






I may be jumping on the band wagon late but wanted to extend my support for you and let you know that your marriage can survive! My husband and I have been dealing with this (and more as it led to an affair) over the last couple of years. One of the things that hurt me the most was my desire to live in a marriage of God and I had many people telling me I needed to leave him or that it was normal. What he was looking at was not normal and I needed to stay in the marriage because I promised God I would. Now that being said it is not an easy task. I have been in counciling and so has my husband. I know that sharing the secret is really hard but you both need to decide on some good Godly people (both men and women) that you are ok with sharing this with because as you both heal you need those accountability partners. Trust is a huge issue and that really does begin to come back over time. One source that really helped me (besides my closest friends) was the website partnersforpurity.com a site where I could go and just cry or vent or whatever I needed to do. On that site you can be anonymous (but keep in mind you need to confide in someone!). It is a Christian site and the women on it are good Godly women who can help if they do nothing more then pray for you and your husband. Please remember through it all that you are Gods child and nothing can change that. He can get you through even when you are mad at him!! I will pray for you and my email is e.mastin@hotmail.com if you want to talk privately- or pray or cry or whatever! I know someone else suggested xxxchurch.com and I whole heartedly agree- it is a wonderful site that offers guidance and support for both of you- as well as some wonderful books that will help! Father- please bring this daughter of yours comfort. help her to see your love through her difficult time. Lord bring healing to her and her husband that their marriage can experience your peace In Jesus name Amen.





Erica & Andrea,



My heart goes out to you as sisters in Christ. I too am dealing with this situation (mine also leading to affairs). I agree with peoples postings about intervention. It's important. We use see no evil for our accountability program but we also just lock all the computers in the house.



Andrea your marriage can survive and agreeing with Erica it's not easy. I have such up days and down days. God didn't intend for any of this but we also promised him we would stay! I have to wake up and forgive my husband every morning something I hoped would never happen! I know that the enemy will do anything!!! I know it means nothing when people say this but I repeatedly tell myself they are visual. There are some great books out there... They have helped me so much....



google:



Dealing with my husbands secret wars



Every heart restored



The healing choice



I am sorry I am late with this post but it's something I had to comment on. My husband is also in two accountability groups. I can honestly say I wouldn't take any of this back. We have developed so much from these negatives but it hurts. Without our Heavenly Father I'd be lost...!



I will add you to my prayer list...



Heavenly Father,



 Be with this sister! Heal her heart Lord Her marriage and help this couple be accountable to one another. Help them love one another like they did when they were newlyweds. Lord help Andrea realize that she is beautiful! Lord have your way with this couple. Once again I ask that you lift this burden off !



In Jesus name~



Amen

Christine - posted on 03/27/2009

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Yes I have been through this, although my husband is "saved" but doesnt go to church.  The only advice I have for you is leave it at the feet of Jesus he does hear you when you cry out to him, pray for your husband ask God to remove the strongholds of lust in his life, dont condemn him love him (love covers a multitude of sins) hang in there keep praying keep doing the right thing, there is absolutely nothing at all wrong with you its a stronghold in his life/heart that only God can deliver him from.   We all have strongholds sometimes we think someone elses is worse b/c of the type of sin that comes from it but it is all the same in Gods eyes, ask God to deliver him from the spirit of Lust that is what cheating/pornography comes from.   I can tell you my sis just went through this in her marriage, but her husband was cheating since my advice she began really praying for him and speaking good things over him and hes has since rededicated his life to God and they are doing GREAT and have only been married for about 9 months hang in there keep on keeping on.  :)

[deleted account]

To all who sent me messages on here....THANK YOU!!!  I was so touched by your notes, Bible  verses, your caring advice and prayers.  I wish I could write you each a personal note telling you what I appreciated about what you shared.  I believe this is a BIG issue in our society, but one in which it's rarely openly discussed.  I hate it because it tears marriages apart and God created marriage and wants it to be lifelong.  I believe it is destructive and a sin (the Bible makes it clear that it is the same as adultery). Intimacy is supposed to be private, between two people and NOT involving anyone else because this brings LUST into the relationship...not LOVE.  Anyhow, thank you.  I am grateful to say that my husband is broken hearted over this, he spoke with our pastor and we are going to get some counseling together.  Oh, he also heard about the accountability computer program (where it sends a report to 2 or 3 trusted friends) and downloaded that (I am not sure if it's the same one mentioned or not) That is a great tool.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing with me.  It gives me hope to hear I am not alone.   

Julie - posted on 03/16/2009

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Hi again,

The website for the accountability computer program is bsafehome.com.

Lindy - posted on 03/16/2009

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I too understand what you are going through and how you feel. I was pregnant w/ our second child. I felt cheated on. It broke my heart. I can tell you this. I love my husband and with God we overcame this.We have been married for almost 10 yrs and our daughter is now five. I would also suggest watching "Fireproof". When my husband and I watched the movie he could see my side of it a little better.

Aliscia - posted on 03/16/2009

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i just read your note this am.  i am now a divorced mother of an almost 5 year old.  my son was 18 months old when his dad and i seperated.  Pornography was the issue that tore our family appart.  the difference of our situations is that my ex ran further AWAY from God while i ran CLOSER to God when this whole thing surfaced.  My ex says he has "looked at it most of his life" but it didnt seem to affect our marriage until after our son was born.  ?????  crazy timing.  I pray with all my heart and soul that you and your husband are able to get through this with the grace of God!!  I do feel that intervention is key, whether it be a pastor and/or a counselor.  They are trained in areas we never thought of as well as being someone who can point out things we can't see for being in the middle of it (if that makes since to you).  I was so pleased to hear you both are christians, this is affecting him as well, and I do see hope.  i will be praying for you and your family.  God meant marriage to be forever.  i would love to be able to dive off deep in this with you - but i am at work.  i hope we can stay in touch.  i am praying.  The bond of marriage, which is created by God, is stronger than any force the enemy can bring against your family.  The devil wants to kill, steal, and destroy that which God has given you.  Stand fast in the Lord, his promises for your family, and tell that devil to get thee behind me!!!  I encourage you and your husband to spend time in prayer each and every day, bond together stronger than ever because your family is in warfare.  The enemy is real.  I encourage you two to read scripture on marriage and God's Promises for you.  Speak them out loud, daily.  Call upon the Lord and the devil will flee.

Sia - posted on 03/16/2009

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Quoting Julie:

Hi, I just wanted to share with you and encourage you. My husband and I are also going through this right now, so I know how you feel. I knew when we got married that my husband had struggled with pornography in the past but had overcome it with the help of some good accountability partners. Recently, he shared with me that he is struggling again. We just had our first child less than 6 months ago, so I feel like it is my fault because my body has changed and my sex drive has diminished. But I remind myself that my husband tells me he is still attracted to me, and I need to believe him. I am grateful for the fact that he is coming to me openly about this and not trying to hide it. My husband is buying a computer program that your husband may be interested in: it sends weekly reports of everything he views on the internet to up to 3 people that he chooses. An accountability program. If you are interested, I will ask him what the name of the program is. I am sure that you and your husband will be able to work through this. I understand wanting to keep it private, but please reach out to your pastor or a counselor if you need more help.
God bless.


Please share the name of this program...I know quite a few people who might benefit from it.

[deleted account]

I had it explained to me that a man becomes addicted to porn when he can relate to the real thing. If he isn't having much sex with you, this sounds like his problem. I would suggest Christian marriage counseling along with personal counseling for him. He does need your support right now even though you are hurting. Ask him how you can help him overcome this temptation. The counselor may have some suggestions on how you can help as well. Being apart of the solution will not only help you deal with this, but it will help your relationship with each other grow to a whole new level.

Jodie - posted on 03/15/2009

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First off men are visual. I think they all do it. I remember I would get so upset with my husband over it. (We have been married for 8 years.) It is really hard to be in your place. The best thing is not to yell and scream over it but talk it out. I'm in no means saying that it is ok for him to look at it, but men are different than women. He married you and thats who he loves! Anymore it is so easy to give into the temptations with the internet, cable, and mags. I wish you luck with this!

Kat - posted on 03/10/2009

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i would also suggest checking out http://xxxchurch.com/ together.

and remember: you are a beautiful, attractive woman. your husband's addiction is not the result of anything you have or haven't done. there may be an underlying problem for which he needs some help, or it may be that it's something he's always thought was okay and hasn't yet handed over to the Lord. but it is NOT YOUR FAULT.

take heart! my parents struggled with this issue and were able to work through it. also, being married does sometimes lessen a man's sex drive [he's already gotten what he was working for, so the intrigue of the challenge is gone]. but i'm sure that with a little Godly support, and perhaps marital counseling, you can rekindle the love in your relationship.

good luck and God bless!

Veronica - posted on 03/10/2009

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I believe each one of these sistersin Christ has given you both encouragement & advice in additition to sharing Gods love. I am providing you with some scriptures that I believe that you should go to the word and read, before you do ask pray and give the whole of this situation to God, ask Him to give you wisdom as to how to get through this and continue to rebuke the demonic spirit of lust from your husband and home, I am praying for you, I understand what you are going through and remember if God brings you to it He will bring you through it, God loves you and so do I.



Joshua 24:15 (for your marriage)



Malachi 2:14-16 (for your marriage)



Deuteronomy 31:6 (going through)



Isaiah 43:1-3 (going through)



Isaiah 44:2-3 (going through)



2 Corinthians 4:8-9 (going through)



1 Peter 5:6-11 (going through)



Isaiah 1:18 (FORGIVENESS)



Numbers 6:24 -26 (promises that God will keep you)



Isaiah 26: 3-4 (promises that God will keep you)



Romans 8:38-39 (promises that Gos will keep you)



1Peter 1:3-5 (promises that God will keep you)



Jude 24 (promises that God will keep you)



 

Melinda - posted on 03/10/2009

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Biblically pornography is a sin. Sin starts in the heart before it ever manifests into anything spiritually. I am sure your husband loves you very much. I know from my own experiences that men like to look at other women and it's natural. However when that man is a Christian it is not righteous. My best suggestion is to do a disciples fast. Your husband needs to fast and pray that God would take this besetting sin from him. He needs to ask God to help him and he needs to work on himself. It is not your sin or your problem. Many women feel like they are not good enough but that's rarely the case. Men just love to look. They are very curious about women. If needs be get rid of your computer. Make it more difficult for him to see it until he has this conquered. Addictions are hard to break no matter what they are. Have patience and if needs be he should speak to his pastor. This is a huge problem in many men's lives your husband is not alone

Beckie - posted on 03/10/2009

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Dear friend, I am so sorry you are hurting like this. Please know that there is nothing wrong with you but that pornography is an addictive tool that men fall trap too. Your husband really needs the support of strong Godly men right now to help overcome this. I strongly recommend you go to your pastor as a couple. Hiding it makes it worse. That is exactly what the enemy likes. Everything you are feeling is normal but please seek the help/ counseling that you will need to get through this. It is not something that is easy to walk away from.

Angie - posted on 03/08/2009

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There is a wonderful book out that I have been reading lately to help me to understand my husbands way of thinking, it's called Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti.  The book is written by a christian couple, it's about understanding and delighting in the differences between men and women.  In it there is a great section about how a men are made physically and hormonally and how they differ from women in these aspects.   There is a section that talks about sex and (from the book)



"In the case of men, God gave them eyes to see.  It is generally understood that men are visually stimulated.  When an attractive women is in the vicinity, a man will notice her instinctively.  It has been this way since the beginning of creation...The original plan was to give each man eyes to admire his wife throughout their life together.  The intensity of a man's ability to notice women was given to him so his wife would be attractive to him all the days of his life."  



There's a lot more about this topic, and I highly recommend it to you and your husband, there is also a lot about communication and how to understand what your spouse is trying to communicate to you and how to hear it (for both sides).  



I think it was very brave of your husband to tell you and let you into this very difficult thing he is dealing with.  It is hard for men to share problems, especially when they are normally problem solvers, and for him to open up and let you in for help is a huge step for him.  The one thing that is hard for us women to understand is that we are perfect in Gods eyes and we are just fine the way He made us.  He does not judge us on our outwardly appearance as we judge ourselves, with that said, stop taking it inward.  It's actually not about you, it's about your husband.  Once you can get through that thought, you can turn it around and make it about your husband and his healing.  He needs you!  



I think it would be good to go to your minister or pastor with this too.  They are great at being confidential and can help you get through this spiritually together.



Good prayers to you, and remember to love each other and pray.  God will guide you through if you seek HIM for the help you are needing.



-A

Angie - posted on 03/08/2009

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There is a wonderful book out that I have been reading lately to help me to understand my husbands way of thinking, it's called Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti.  The book is written by a christian couple, it's about understanding and delighting in the differences between men and women.  In it there is a great section about how a men are made physically and hormonally and how they differ from women in these aspects.   There is a section that talks about sex and (from the book)



"In the case of men, God gave them eyes to see.  It is generally understood that men are visually stimulated.  When an attractive women is in the vicinity, a man will notice her instinctively.  It has been this way since the beginning of creation...The original plan was to give each man eyes to admire his wife throughout their life together.  The intensity of a man's ability to notice women was given to him so his wife would be attractive to him all the days of his life."  



There's a lot more about this topic, and I highly recommend it to you and your husband, there is also a lot about communication and how to understand what your spouse is trying to communicate to you and how to hear it (for both sides).  



I think it was very brave of your husband to tell you and let you into this very difficult thing he is dealing with.  It is hard for men to share problems, especially when they are normally problem solvers, and for him to open up and let you in for help is a huge step for him.  The one thing that is hard for us women to understand is that we are perfect in Gods eyes and we are just fine the way He made us.  He does not judge us on our outwardly appearance as we judge ourselves, with that said, stop taking it inward.  It's actually not about you, it's about your husband.  Once you can get through that thought, you can turn it around and make it about your husband and his healing.  He needs you!  



I think it would be good to go to your minister or pastor with this too.  They are great at being confidential and can help you get through this spiritually together.



Good prayers to you, and remember to love each other and pray.  God will guide you through if you seek HIM for the help you are needing.



-A

Ally - posted on 03/08/2009

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hi andrea,

I am so sorry that you are hurting so much over this. I was wanting to clarify something though...is your husband addicted to pornography or does he simply look at it occasionally? Unless it is a true addiction I will tell you as much as a lot of women don't want to hear it almost every man looks at these types of images at some point or another...even the ones that say that they don't . Personally I am not offended by most of it and my husband and I have even watched it together and used it as a fun tool in our marriage....but that only works because we agree on the topic and i don't feel threatened by it at all....if i felt betrayed it would be a serious issue to address. But trust me it really has nothing to do with how attractive he finds you and you are still as beautiful to him as ever im sure. Have you two tried any counseling with a professional outside your church since you wish to keep the issue private because sometimes that can help a great deal. Just keep your head high and make sure to communicate your needs to your husband and if he is truly sorry than try to believe him and work through it. Know in your heart you are beautiful inside and out and just continue to be the best wife and mother you can durring this difficult time you will be in my prayers!

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