Confuse about relationship

Renee - posted on 07/17/2010 ( 38 moms have responded )

62

23

0

Well I am divorced and my first relationship was very abusive (mentally, physically and emotionally). My mom told me not to marry him, but i did anyway. We were both young and I thought he would be great husband considering his background (christian home) and he was a minister in training. Now im in a relationship and my mom says i shouldnt marry him either, she says she has dreams and that he wont be the same once we tie the knot. We've been together for 3 years and we've had ups and downs but we have always gotten through them. He is not a devout christian and my mom thinks that is not how a relationship should be. Obviously i value my moms opinion alot and i dont want to make the same mistake twice...so just pray for me PLEASE and tell me what God tells you...Thanks!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Polly - posted on 07/18/2010

153

11

22

Someone once told me when I was struggling with what to do "Seek God rather than God's will." I was so focused on trying to get answers that I was skipping over God in the process. I truly believe that when we focus on getting right with God (ie: doing what we know He wants us to do), seeking to be closer to Him (through prayer, fasting, quiet time, reading His Word, going to church, etc) and shutting out competing voices (inappropriate movies, music, and other ungodly unfluences) that you will come to know God's will and find your answers.

Seek God first, and you will find God's will for you.

Rebekah - posted on 07/19/2010

1,441

19

174

The Bible specifically speaks about being spiritually yoked. If this guy is not a Christian, you should not marry because that would not be spiritually yoked. And you will find that although, yes, you could be an example for him and win him to the Lord, there will be some empty days or years for you and could also mean lots of compromising. I encourage you to pray and seek out on your knees and ask God if this is the right direction for you. If it's meant to be, the door will open!!!

Kellie - posted on 07/17/2010

146

17

20

Will you consider that maybe the Lord is speaking to you through your mother? What have you done to change yourself since your divorce? Have you allowed God to show you why you became involved with an abusive man to begin with? Are you allowing God to show you character flaws in this new man or are you making excuses for him too?

You know what God tells anyone should be the same thing He tells you. Do not be unequally yoked, come out from among the nonbelievers, do not associate yourself with the nonbelievers, how can two walk together unless they make an agreement, a house divided cannot stand..... The Word is a lamp for our feet. It is to illuminate the darkness. Wisdom cries out in the streets, do you hear her calling you?

Women were created by God to be a suitable helpmeet for the man. In order to "help" the man he must have something going on. Being a helper does not mean we help him develop a relationship with God, help him financially with his business or capital ventures, help him get a loan or give him money to pay off some debts. Oh no! Being his helper means we come along side him and add to the relationship he has with God, brainstorm with him about how he's gonna come up with the funds to do what he's doin, or support him in his decision to clean up his credit.

Be very weary and cautious this time around. Listen with the ears of your spirit. Lean not on your own understanding. Put God first this time.

Darcel - posted on 07/21/2010

200

23

3

Bible saids

Marry whom you will ONLY IN THE LORD
Be not unequally yoked with unbelivers

Here is where satan decieves. Anyone can say they believe in God. For crying out loud when I was living like the devil I believed in God. I was acting a stone cold fool for sin and unrightousness, but I BELIEVED IN GOD.

If you are serious about serving the Lord, I mean serious about it living a saved, holy, sactified life for Christ, if you marry it must be with someone who is equally yoked with your faith. Not just someone who believes in God.

Jacque - posted on 07/21/2010

3

12

0

The Bible says not to be unequally yolked with someone. Yes, God maybe using you to speak the word to your boyfriend but it may not mean that he wants you to marry him. If hes not reading his bible, listening to secular music, cursing, etc, then does he really believe in God? I don't believe so. Just because you are used to someone or even love them, doesn't mean you have to marry them. Marriage is something God created to glorify him. Will yours glorify the Lord if you're the one going to church and reading God's word and hes not? Many people no adays forget that thats what marriage is about! I believe if at this point you went ahead and married him, you're not listening to what Gods telling you. The fact that you're questioning it could be God telling you this is not the man I created for you. Just think about it. I wish you the best and God Bless!

This conversation has been closed to further comments

38 Comments

View replies by

Carla - posted on 09/04/2012

4,249

83

589

I have seen so many seemingly intelligent women become so enamored over a guy that she couldn't see the warning signals until it was too late.



Solomon said (paraphrased) get advice from everyone, then pray and decide. If more people took a little time to decide AND talk to and listen to others, there probably wouldn't be so much divorce!



Thank you for your input, Donna.



God bless

Angela - posted on 09/04/2012

2,319

9

319

If you are not adult enough to make a wise and informed decision without your mother's input, even if he is the best guy you're ever likely to meet, YOU are the one who is not ready for marriage.



What the others are saying about equal and unequal yokes and whether he is a Christian is also true but even if he's a devout Christian, he's not necessarily the right man for you! I had a Christian boyfriend a few years ago to whom I got engaged. I just thank the Lord everyday that we did not marry. We were not a good match and I would have seen this a lot sooner if I had not become blinkered by the reasoning that because he's a Christian, then he must be a totally suitable life partner.



Decide what you want in a life partner and see if your man ticks the boxes. Discuss stuff with him to see if this makes your choices clearer.



Pray for wisdom and discernment but also use your common sense. It's OK to confer with your mother but the final decision must be YOURS (with the Lord's guidance!).

Donna - posted on 09/02/2012

6

16

0

I only wish I had my mom's and my friend's input before I maried my last HUGE MISTAKE. I say listen to your mom, if she has spent time with him and also ask for close friends opinions if he acts the same way with them as he does with you. Control freaks are scary and they are covert. and once they think they bought the pkg, it could be horrible. so seeks your mom and friends AND MORE IMPORTANTLY A TRAINED RELATIONSHIP PASTORAL COUNSELORS Advice..... Take a personalty inventory. Uncover all and any psychological issues so you can identify them to see if they are workable or so toxic you should not go near a commitment. DO NOT TRUST ONLY YOUR FEELINGS! Got to use your brain too and rely on others who can be objective who care about you. Marrying a guy who says he is a christian but really isn't is dangerous, being unequally yoked sucks! been there done that. 3 times THIS IS YOUR LIFE> DO NOT WASTE IT ONE ANOTHER ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. If he is emotionally abusive you won't know it until you are married, they have 2 sides like Jekyll and Hyde. whatever problems you have before get worse and if he won't see a counsleor you are SUNK! Blessings and I pray you will be wise, Irish

Geraldine - posted on 07/23/2010

3

16

0

God said "I know for you the plans I have for you. To prosper you and not to harm you. Trust God and not yourself, not your feeling. God said "Lean not on your own understanding but on every word that comes out of the mouth of God. If it were meant to be. God would confirm it. You wouldn't have to guess about it. If you asking for God's clarity, then continue to pray and wait on the Lord. I sincerely believe there is a reason your mother is dreaming. But God will never leave us confused. Soo wait on the Lord and ask him to confirm an answer for you and he definitely will.

Valerie - posted on 07/23/2010

240

22

12

I want you to strive for the absolute best God has in store for you! God loves you with a strong, passionate love and has a man out there who will do that for you! Picture what you truly want your life to be! In this picture are you hiding your faith? Are your quiet times few and far between? Does your significant other hinder your discovery and love of your God?

Or.....

Are you and your husband partners in your walk with God? Does your husband encourage you, guide you, and show you knew and wonderful aspects of God in your day to day life? Does he give you love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self control?

My husband shows me new aspects of God every day in how he treats me, my children, even random people on the street. He forgives me whole-heartedly. Watches the kids when I need to spend some time with God. Leads us in deep prayer times when we have rough times.

I will finish with this: One month after we were married I gave birth to two beautiful boys. Unfortunately it was 4 months two early, one was already dead and the other couldn't breath. We sat there for an hour and held our little boy. But during that time, my husband prayed with me and even led me in some beautiful songs of worship. My baby boy left this world with sounds of God's love and joy in his little ears. Will your man do that for you?

Hold out for the bounty God has for you!!!!

Heather - posted on 07/22/2010

21

19

3

Is he a Christian? Remember that the Bible tells us to be "equally yoked". If your boyfriend isn't a Christian then you should't even be dating him. If he isn't a strong Christian put off marriage until he goes to church, gets into the word, and grows into the man that God commands him to be so that he can lead your household in the future. :-)

Alisha - posted on 07/22/2010

735

10

39

Really think about what you want your husband wife relationship to be like. Do you want a godly man who leads, protects, and provides for your family who will also grow with you in your walk with the Lord? If you are a follower of Christ and he is not, it will be a difficult marriage because you won't be able to share that deep spiritual understanding that can only come from Christ. Have you witnessed to him about what Christ has done for him and you and me? Get into the word (bible) girl and see what the Lord wants to tell you. Pay attention! That is my problem, I ask the Lord to tell me things and I miss what he's trying to say!

Angela - posted on 07/22/2010

1

33

0

When you have the questions that you do, pause and ask yourself, "Where is God in this?" Be real with yourself and know that what you see is what you are going to get. We can not change anyone. If you have doubts, follow your heart. Though your mother is wise, realize you are the one that has to wake up with this man every morning. I will pray for wisdom for you!

Nichole - posted on 07/22/2010

1

4

0

Hello Renee, from reading you question and the others post, good sound advice has been given. However, the ultimate decision lies within you. God says that we can judge a person by their fruits and if is fruits aren't of God or Christ like, then that is a good sign. Also, once we strive to put God first in our lives and allow him to guide us, we tend to make better decisions. Go with your God given intuition and also remember that our mother's love us and were given to us for a reason. Continue to pray and once you have prayed, allow God to guide you and then listen. I will also be praying for you:-).

Felicia - posted on 07/21/2010

11

21

0

I have a few questions here. How long have you been divorce? Are there any children involved? Do you feel like you're ready to marry again? How is your relationship with God? I asked these because I believe you will get some clarity. Your relationship with God is an important one because God deals with us one on one. So, when someone else tells you the same thing that God has then that is only confirmation. God will always tell you first just have to be willing to listen. And it seems like you are distracted and not listening, so your mother is your go between. Why would you want to be unequally yoke? It seems like there is something that is inside of you that keeps attracting you to certain men. You should figure out what that is. Ask God to reveal it to you. I pray that God will reveal himself to you, that you be willing to listen, and grow closer with Him. And that distarct comes to an end. In Jesus name. Amen.

Alisa - posted on 07/21/2010

35

11

7

My husband & I were not Christians when we got married. I was saved first. I was alive for the first time but miserable for the first time in my marriage. I went to my pastor often saying that I had to leave him. The pastor always convinced me to stay. I finally left him and I knew that I would choose to spend the rest of my life alone. When I left, my husband turned to the pastor and his advice was for my husband to fight for me. He became very strong Christian and I ended up not going through with a divorce. We have never been happier.

My point is: I was advised that I should not leave him for years because he wasn't saved but that if I had been saved before I married him then I should not have married him. It is a difficult marriage that way...but God put us together before marriage so we would both be saved.

We were baptized together. I waited all those years because it was causing fights every time I wanted to get baptized. He wasn't supportive...then when he got saved- I was so happy that I waited for him.

Amy - posted on 07/21/2010

31

19

2

I do know that God does not want us Christians to marry someone who is not. that is in His word. i know women at my church married someone who was not and it was rough for years, they kept praying and their husbands eventually did get saved. if you value your Mom's opinion and insight i would think about it. maybe talk to her more about it and see exactly why she feels the way she does. now if she was that way with every man you have ever been with i maybe wouldn't value it as much, but this could be God talking to her and giving her direction in what to say to you. i would talk to her more about it and pray hard for God to direct you, He won't lead you astray.

Suszanne - posted on 07/21/2010

55

19

6

Rachel, very well stated. I too will be praying for Renee daily that God will be easy to hear because she is waiting to hear from Him.

Avi, thank You for being our Father. Protect Your precious princess Renee from all enemies, human and otherwise. Place a hedge of protection around her that will expel all who are not Your children and all who seek her harm. Make it so difficult to get to her that only the ones who are in Your kingdom and seek after Your heart will be able to talk with Renee. Avi, help Renee to hear Your word from her mother and other Christ followers in her support system. Help Renne to study Your word and listen to Your Spirit in her heart so she will know what You want for her. Thank You Avi, for being the God Who Sees Us where we are and loving us right there. Thank You for our most precious gift of Salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ. In the Name of Jesus I pray, Amen.

Beth - posted on 07/21/2010

36

34

1

trust in god and he will give you the streanth to find the one he has for you and then you can get married.

Rachel - posted on 07/21/2010

29

23

1

Honey, the Bible is very clear about these sort of things. First of all, we are specifically told not to marry someone who is not compatible with us. ("Don't be unequally yoked.") I can tell you, however, after having made so many bad decisions myself, you can be unequally yoked with even other Christians. Do you have shared values? Are you both on fire for Jesus? (Even if you are not does not mean you should marry him.) The fact that you have had ups and downs during even a dating relationship raises a huge flag. You say that he is not a devoted Christian...are you? Have you been seeking God's will in this? Are you reading scripture and praying? Do really want to know God's answer? If he says no, are you willing to tell this man goodbye? This is an extremely personal question that you don't have to answer out loud, but have you been intimate with each other even though you are not married? If so, that really clouds a women's judgement. I have read that it clouds a woman's judgement even more than a man's. Women make the mistake of marrying because of this...or out of guilt...or because we are lonely and don't want this to be the last chance to have a companion....or because we are just plain stubborn and refuse to let God tell us who we shouldn't marry...or because we have children and we desperately want a father figure in their life (direct them to Jesus!) You might want to pray and fast over this. If you are having sexual relations, cut them off immediately and let him know that Christ calls us to behave differently as Christians. (By the way, just because you may or may not have had intimate relations with him should not be the driving force behind marrying him...you can stop, ask forgiveness and move on.)Years ago I married a non-believer, and the marraige ended 2.5 years later after a horrible and abusive time. He hated me and everything I and my family stood for. I specifically remember God actually impressing upon me that I was making a mistake and that if I married him I would suffer terrible pain. I told God that I didn't care and that I was going to marry him anyway. The trouble began almost the day we were married. It was miserable, but it taught me a huge lesson. I was more concerned with making him and myself happy than with making Jesus happy. That is wrong. Follow Jesus. Be concerned about what he thinks more than what you or another thinks. This has been and still is a hard lesson for me to learn. Also, heed your mother's wisdom. It is very valuable. Don't dismiss her! Scripture says that "Then, after doing all those things, I will pour out my Spirit upon all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy. Your old men will dream dreams, and your young men will see visions." I don't think that is limited to old men. Old women can dream dreams, too!! So, my question is.....do you REALLY not know what to do...or are you just scared to make the decision you know is right, scared of losing him (a man that may not be worthy of you)...or are you just looking for validation from others so that you can go against what God may be STRONGLY telling you through past experiences and through your mother's wisdom? If you need permission and freedom from guilt....then here it is...In the name of Jesus, may all enemy forces trying to drive this young lady into making destructive decisions be forbidden to ever come near her again....may she have an overwhelming sense of the need to run as fast and as far away from companions who do not love Jesus even more than they say they love her....and may she be free from the loneliness, guilt, stubborness, or whatever is driving her to date and consider marrying men who do not love our Lord and Saviour! May you help me to pray for her and stand in the gap for her. Remind me to pray for her daily and to battle for her in prayer, Jesus. All things are possible with you.

Sweetie, I am going to be praying for you, that Jesus will give you a horrible sense of doom to even think of marrying or even dating a man who does not love our Jesus....and that you will be driven back into the arms of Jesus. You do not need anyone or anything in your life to make you feel loved or validated. Jesus has done it all for you. Besides scripture, there are quite a few books that can help:

New International Version (ISaiah 54:6)
The LORD will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit--a wife who married young, only to be rejected," says your God.

"Every Woman's Battle" by shannon Ethridge
"Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge
"His Princess, Love Letters from your King." by Sheri Rose

There are many other books! God bless you and may the battle be won! Keep fighting and don't ever, EVER try to stand on the fence.

Sarah - posted on 07/20/2010

8

22

0

I think you asking for advice should tell you what you need to know. In my opion when your going to marry someone there should be no doubts in your mind. It should feel wonderful,exciting,loving and adventurious. Not scary and unsure of everything. Just some output!!!

Shanetta - posted on 07/20/2010

30

14

2

I will pray for you, but you also have to look for the signs that your mother sees. Just take your time and see what happens. Every relationship has its ups and downs, but don't lose yourself in a relationship.

Renee - posted on 07/20/2010

62

23

0

OMG! u are soooooo right, no judgment taken...and we've actually talked. I've been struggling with this for a long time which is should have given me my answer just in that alone. All you have said is very true, but I also know I need to trust God and settling is not an option. Thank you so much for your post, it was real and just what I needed to hear...and again I say, THANK YOU! :)

Sheri - posted on 07/20/2010

13

0

1

no judgment but being used to somebody is not a good reason to get married. you're settling -- perhaps you don't want to be alone, or you don't think another man will come, or you've already invested a lot of time. none of these are good reasons to get married. you're looking for prayers and answers from this community but you already know the answer you need. you just haven't accepted or heard it with your heart yet.

Suszanne - posted on 07/20/2010

55

19

6

Study God's word and meditate on it. www.biblegateway.com has a topic search and will give you all kinds biblical truths on your situation. Just because you're used to someone doesn't make it Godly. Too often we don't give up our broken stuff because we're afraid of what we'll be without it. If you don't open your hand to God, He cannot add blessing to your life.

Nelfa - posted on 07/19/2010

7

0

0

Pray to God and ask for guidance....Is it true that we cannot do it or decide it by our own.... God is the ultimate source of wisdom in Him we can put our trust. God Bless!

Nelfa - posted on 07/19/2010

7

0

0

Always pray to GOD for guidance... i've been through difficulties too but i always pray and entrust GOD everything co'z i dont know what HIS plan for me. I hope we will all be victorious in the end with the help of our Almighty Father.

Mae - posted on 07/19/2010

190

19

17

Before my husband shared God with me I was much worse. I was involved with wicca, I was basically a hoe I would have sex with someone just because they complemented me, I didn't care much about anyone especially myself. I used profainity, started fights, and broke the law. I really was the one everyones parents warned them about. I am not proud of who I was but if God can change me form that to what I am (though I am sure he's not done with me yet) he can work on anyone.

Amanda - posted on 07/18/2010

64

39

2

You need to pray and listen to God too! You truly do not know someone until you leave with them 24/7 so even though you guys have been together for three years your mom is right that his true colors will probably not come out till you guys have live together for awhile. I know that you don't want to the same mistake twice - so pray that God will bring you the man that you are suppose to be with for the rest of your life! He might not give you an answer right away but he has a way of showing you his answer at the right time! Just keeping praying and your heart will know the answers!

Renee - posted on 07/18/2010

62

23

0

Mae: He believes in God, but he doesn't go to church, read his bible, he still listens to secular music, uses profanity and the list goes on. If you dont mind me asking, how were you before your husband shared God with you?

Mae - posted on 07/18/2010

190

19

17

I will be praying for you, but I think that you shouldn't discount this man just because he may not be devout. If my husband hadn't shared God with me I don't know where I would be. If he is open to God and willing seek him then that should be enough, we all have to start somewhere. Your mom has been given the gift of wisdom through her years and you should take her seriously but I would leave it to God. Praying is a good place to start.

Anne - posted on 07/18/2010

2,748

82

625

I will be Praying for you to Hear and Be Willing To Listen and Follow Through what God has for you. I hope you do not take this as rude. Our oldest daughter has always struggled with the being willing to do what God wants her to do. It really is hard for most of us to bel willing to follow through with what we know God wants of us.

Stephanie Jo - posted on 07/18/2010

449

71

30

Hi Renee,first of all I want to say that I am so sorry that you had to go through what you did. I am glad that you are safe now.The Bible says that you have to be w/someone that you are equally yoked to.Please think about that because if one is for Christ and the other isnt than most of the time the one that isnt for Christ can pull the other one down,away from Christ.Talk to your preacher,might want to get Christian marriage counseling before you get married considering what you went through.Tell God your fears,ask him to let you know for sure before you make a commitment.Dont let your heart decide,let God and really listen to what he is saying.He may tell you no,be strong and listen to him.Maybe you need time just for you and Jesus.Praying for you!

Renee - posted on 07/18/2010

62

23

0

To Kellie: that was GREAT, not what I wanted to hear but it did give me confirmation. I do think I've been trying to give excuses for why I should be with him. I think because he treats me so much better than my ex, I believed I should stay because there may not be a Godly man that will treat me the same way, but I have to wait on God

Heather - posted on 07/17/2010

4,634

42

1135

I will pray for God to guide you in this situation. Trust in God and lean not on your own understanding. Remember that our own hearts our deceitful, we have to rely on God and His word.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms