JW - posted on 06/19/2012 ( 51 moms have responded )
So far I have very much enjoyed this wonderful group of Christian Mommies! I am thankful to find a group of women with a Godly perspective on raising children and dealing with life's challenges.
I am in need of some advice on how to deal with my Mother in Law. I did a post awhile back about how she nags and controls me and my husband. I also mentioned that my husband is on my mother in law's mortgage that is underwater by at least 60K! In my post I also said my husband hid the debt from me. The mortgage is 357K because my mother in law took out 200K out of her home (she treated it like a piggy bank). I am trying to work on forgiving my husband for not telling me about the mortgage and accepting the way my mother in law handled her mortgage.
But apart from the mortgage issue my mother in law is very bossy to me and uses a very hash, rude and disrespectful tone when she approaches me. I have a big problem with her treating me like a five year old. I have only been married to her son for a year and a half and we have a 4 month old baby girl. She is really interfering with my marriage and making it very difficult to be married to her son. Plus my husband doesn't stand up to his mother. He just let's her nag me even when he knows it bothers me. Therefore I don't feel supported by him. I feel nagged by the mother in law and uncared for by my husband.
I sometimes feel like the only hope for our marriage to be successful is to move to another city. I don't want to get divorced but sometimes it feels like my husbands loyalties are with his mother and not me and our daughter. I can't live with a mother in law who nags, controls and disrespects me for 40 years. I emotionally cannot handle that along with a husband that isn't emotionally supportive.
Plus it is not healthy for me or our baby. My mother in law lives about 40 minutes from us. When I get regular mistreatment from the mother in law and unsupported by my husband I get very frustrated with myself as I suffer from post parttum depression. Her treatment is making me feel worse about myself and sometimes make me think she wants me to disappear. I got so upset with myself because my husband doesn't act like he cares that I hit myself. I know this is wrong and I have never done this before. Please don't judge me for this, as I know this is wrong. I am trying to learn a better coping strategy. My husband saw the bruises but he has a flat affect reaction to them. It almost seems like he didn't care that I was that frustrated. I have asked him if he loves me and he says he does but I don't feel loved. I wish he would have given me a hug. I almost feel like he is apart of the reason I am feeling more depressed.
At times, I am angry that I married my husband because it feels like everyone in his family is trying to get me to have a breakdown. I have told this to my husband and he says that nobody is trying to do anything to me. He claims his sibling and mother love me. But there actions are the opposite. I don't know if I am being too sensitive but I feel like his mom is purposely making my life difficult and because she knows I have depression she is making it worse.
Also my sister in law made fun of my depression and laughed about it. She made fun of it to my husband behind my back. She is also a pastor. I feel like everybody in my husbands family is out to get me. I feel like they are playing sick mind games and want me gone. If I had known my husbands family would treat me this way I wouldn't have married him. I do think his mother is abusive, at least that is how she makes me feel. Plus she uses God and religion to control us, which is totally wrong. She thinks she's our spiritual advisor and that we need to take her advice.
My mother in law is a constant problem every single week as she is always in our business and giving unsolicited advice. She acts like she is the ultimate authority on my life, my husband and child. She has told me I am her "Ruth" and that I need to get on my knees and pray. She told me I don't pray enough. She even questioned if I knew the story of Ruth. She says then that because i am Ruth then, I am supposed to help he no matter what- that means i am supposed to take over he underwater mortgage and bail her out of her debts and help her even if she goes through bankruptcy. I am sorry but that is too much pressure fora daughter in law. She has 4 daughters and 3 sons. I think she is having very unrealistic expectations of me as a daughter in law. And the topper is last night we had guests over and my mother in law dropped by without letting us know. I am very frustrated too because she commanded me to pray for our guests. I would never command someone to pray. It's like she is using religion to control my every move. She even is in our business over what church we go to.
I went to a counselor last week and it was sort of helpful but I know that I am not going to change my mother in law or husband. I can only change myself and my reaction. I have tried to limit seeing mother in law but it never seems to work. She always somehow sees us almost every week. I told my husband I don't want to see his mother for a least a month or until she can treat me with some level of respect but that is not happening. I want her to see her granddaughter but she can't mistreat me and expect me to want to see her. What else can I do?