Daughter 16 and Pregnant -vs- Carreer Mom ... Who should care for the child?

HoneyComb - posted on 07/25/2009 ( 35 moms have responded )

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Daughter 16 and pregnant -vs- Working attending school Mom. My daughter is pregnant at age 16. I work and travel with my job as-well- as I'm continuing my education, and I have a 4yr old. Should I take the baby and raise her or let my daughter take responsibility for her actions and raise her daughter?

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Marta - posted on 07/29/2009

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As a teen mom I can honestly say that I am thankful that my parents didn't give me an "out" of taking care of my son. She made the concious choice to have sex, knowing that it is possible for her to get pregnant and she should have to suffer the consequences for her choice. She'll mature and rise to the challenge and you can just enjoy being grandma, give her tips and advice when she needs it (especially since it's all fresh in your mind) but don't try to take over. Let her learn, and figure it out just like every other mom out there does. Good luck and congratulations.

[deleted account]

In situations like this, as hard as it is, the best thing for the child would be a two parent, adult, stable family. There are tons of them out there just praying and wishing for a baby. People make mistakes and I do not judge your daughter, but now is the time to grow up and do what is best for the baby. You cannot offer what the child really needs (not judging you either, you should not HAVE to raise someone else's child) so adoption, in my opinion and after having seen too many times how the "teen mom" thing usually works out, is the best option for the child and for your teenager's future.

Shelly - posted on 07/25/2009

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Honey,
Why would you even want to take on that role, is your daughter that immiture that she can't do it??? If she is just to out of control to take care of the baby or are you just so use to being in control of every thing that you think you should take over her responcability??? She has made a bad choice in her life but that does not mean that she can't take care of HER child!! Have you raised her with Christian values and do you trust her to take on the responcability??? Let her do what she needs to do to be a mommie to that child and just be there for her she's going to need her mom to be her mom to help her get through this time in her life!!! Is the dad in the picture still or did he high tail it??? I will keep all of you in my prayers

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Delia - posted on 08/02/2009

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WOW i read all the post to your situation. I will pray that You andyour daughter make the decision that is best for your family. If the baby's father and his family are able to help all the better. Mostly give your daughter support, pray diligently that God will continue to guide you and give you strength to make the wise decision. i don't think any one solution is the best. Remember people that just because a child does the act does not make them ready to become a parent. Some do succeed but others don't.I feel you know the right decision in your heart. I WILL pray for you and your family. God Bless Delia

Beth - posted on 07/30/2009

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I was a young Mother back in the day and while I know you will be there for your daughter, let her take responsibility for her actions, a baby doesn't stop an education or a young female's growth. You did your part you raised her and will continue to do so, but now she must raise her child, with your help of course. Your continuing your education will be a plus for all involved. God Bless.

Blanca - posted on 07/29/2009

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First of all let me tell you that I feel for you, I whent through a similar situation when my daughter got pregnant at 15. I knew that my responsibility as a parent was the well being of my child and to make sure that she bacame responsible for her own child. I was not the one who decided to get pregnant so I was for sure not going to raise that child, however I was going to provide guidance and support. Since we are not rich and had no financial backing the only thing I could make sure was that my daughter finished hight school and had opportunities just like any other 16 year old. She is now 25 years old, her son is turning 10 years old and is a Case Manager helping other individuals reach their goals. If you take away the responsibility that belongs to her you open the door for her to make the same mistake again.

Daniellebaker604 - posted on 07/29/2009

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Your daughter should be raising her child. You can most definitely help her...but she needs to get used to the responsibillity right from the get go. Otherwise Grandma will always be the caretaker. There are plenty of options out there for young moms these days with a little help from family and other resources, she will be more than equip to learn her role! Soundslike she is very lucky to have you ! And a plus is the 4yr old you have will grow up likely close to your grandchild so its a plus for both of them!

Sharyn - posted on 07/29/2009

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It is her decision. I am adopted cos my birth mother had a two year old and was a teen mum again. She tried to have an abortion (which didn't work) and so gave me up for adoption. I love my family. I have had a great life. When i was 18 I also searched for my birth mother and met her and my older half sister and younger half brother. Life is never easy, and there are lots of choices we make.

[deleted account]

Adoption can be such a blessing...

A classmate of mine from high school, who was married for 10 years. They had tried for all that time to get pregnant, but gave up because it just was not happening.

They were pursuing adoption, which is a long process, when suddenly a miracle happened... here is what the new adoptive mom wrote, in her own words...



"Where did Jackson come from?

posted Monday, May 11, 2009 at 2:27pm



"How did you come to adopt Jackson?" That is a question I hear all the time now! I've told the story many times but a lot of you still do not know...so here goes:



Back-story: My husband Byron & I have been married since 2-14-98, in Jan. 2000 we decided to start trying to have a baby. We were raising his son Justin, even though Justin's mother was still somewhat in Justin's life so I did not adopt him as he had a mother. After awhile we looked into why we weren't pregnant. They did all the tests & some were extensive which included 2 day surgeries on me. It was discovered I had endometriosis (look it up if you want to know more). But they said that wasn't the reason I couldn't get pregnant (though I still wonder). I believe I've had several EARLY miscarriages. I also believe we live in a toxic environment, too, polluted water, air, food, etc.



We decided to try In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). That's basically when they take your ingredients & monitor them in a petri dish, then implant them with a long tube. That involved lots of blood draws (I had to wear long sleeves so no one would think I was a drug addict with all the tracks on my arms) & needles which my husband had to inject because I didn't want to do it myself (once Byron had to go to a wedding I was shooting & inject me outside the bathroom because they had to be given at the same time every day). Your hormones need to be regulated. The whole process usually left me in tears - it was emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually & financially draining. I soon realized that I was going to have to walk through fire to get my baby...and I was willing to do it.



They produced 7 good embryos but 2 died & the other five were rated from excellent to fair. We did two cycles, the first was fresh & the 2nd was frozen. They put 2 babies in each time. They all died. The first time it was painful, the second I never knew anything. The controversary around stem cell research is that you must take an embryo & destroy it - to a Christian this means murder. If we were to do this process again (with no guarantees) we could end up with so many good embryos that we'd have to destroy them, donate them to stem cell research (same as destroying our child) or donate them to another couple (the only option if there were too many for me to carry myself). We decided that I could not emotionally handle another round as well as tempt fate nevermind the several thousand dollars which we did not have.



Now, to this day we still have one frozen embryo in storage. I do not believe I can carry a child & my sister Julie has volunteered to carry it for me. We were discussing this when the option of Jackson came up. We still have the same plans, though they are on the back burner & chances of it working are slim plus again, thousands of dollars we don't have, especially in this economy!



In 2008 we were going to adopt a baby from a mother who had no means to take care of her child but when she saw his face she decided to keep him. We'd set up his room, we'd planned a baby shower, etc. It was absolutely devastating. But the good news is, is that was my 'rock bottom', I knew then that I had no place to go but up! The Lord brought me to a place of calm & peace like I'd not experienced since this long journey began. And I mean LONG - my desire to be a mother has been clearly with me since I was 4 years-old & now I'm 38!!!



I basically told everyone I met that we were looking to adopt & if they ever knew anyone to please put us in touch with them. All we wanted was a meeting. We knew we were the 'perfect' couple to adopt their baby. Ok, so no one is perfect but we were pretty close! :)



Over time I've received many phone calls from close family, friends & acquaintances. It usually went something like this, "I know this lady at my church, her daughter is pregnant & she has no business raising that baby OR they don't know what they are going to do yet!" Each time the person KNEW we were the best ones to raise said baby. It's sort of like dating, someone is trying to set you up & they've got the perfect person for you! Well, it's a long road to marriage & that person actually being the ONE!



On Feb. 9, 2009, I received 'one of those phone calls' from one of my clients/friends. She knew a bit about our story & KNEW there was a baby that just belonged to us! Well, I listened politely knowing that one of these days ONE of these phone calls may actually turn into my dreams coming true. She said, "Remember so and so from my wedding?", "Yes, I remember her - she played a special role (and it was only a few months prior)". "Well, she has a daughter who has a friend who is pregnant & they've asked my friend to find her a family!" Hmmm...they weren't going through an agency & trusting this woman's judgment? Sounds interesting...keep going. Then I began to cry...she told me the gal's name - right then & there I KNEW that God was using her to carry our baby!



On Feb. 11 the friend, her daughter & her daughter's friend (an 18 year-old pregnant Senior at a local D/FW area high school) met us at the friend's house. The 5 of us talked for a couple of hours though it seemed like a few minutes. She was a very pretty girl in jeans & an oversized sweatshirt - very petite & did not look pregnant. I even asked to see her tummy & I thought I was being punked - how is this girl pregnant, her torso was a little round but WOW, not THAT round? I've shot many maternity shots for clients before & none of them looked like her! She was in her 3rd trimester & she just found out she was pregnant. Now, a lot of people think, "Yeah, right!", and so did I - until I talked to her, she danced for hours everyday so she didn't get her period (so she thought that was the reason), she didn't get morning sickness, tender breasts or other tell-tale signs. Plus, she really wasn't showing. It was only when her coach heard a rumor by mean rivals that she was pregnant that she was forced to take a test (she took 3 because of her shock).



Well, here she was, planning on graduating her Senior year with big plans for college & having a future and pregnancy did not go along with that plan. Her parent's raised 2 other daughters & were about to be empty-nesters. Also, her father lost his job that same day she told them she was pregnant. Her family got together & decided that the best thing was for them to find a couple & make it a closed adoption so they could all go on with their lives as planned.



I was invited to her next doctor's app. which was Feb. 25. I was so excited! I'd talked with her mom over the phone for a couple of hours & now I was going to meet her dad, too. The doctor who delivered her 18 years prior was going to deliver her baby (which she now considered OUR baby). She was having Braxton-Hicks but the doctor said that was normal & she was due March 20. Wow - less than a month, how were we going to prepare in such a short time!



That night we were watching American Idol & the phone rang - it was around 9pm - she was in LABOR! Byron was extremely calm thinking it was false labor & we'd have to turn around & go home but I went into a mini-panic! I grabbed a paperback Bible I'd taken to a Christian retreat with my mom the weekend before & thought, "I don't know how long this is going to take but I know I won't get through THIS book!" LOL!



I was crying & freaking out & Byron was frustrated & didn't know what to do on the way to the hospital. I called my parents who were on their way, too. Justin followed shortly after in his truck. I called my grandpa Zickert in WI. He didn't even know we were going to do this & I didn't want to call him AFTER the fact so I told him what was going on. Just hearing his 94 year-old voice had comforted me as it had always done, then I knew I was going to be ok.



When we got to the hospital (it was easy to find since I'd just been there earlier that day) we found her, 2 friends, & her family. I sat with 3 teenage girls in her delivery room & told them how much this meant to me & read them 2 passages in my Bible - one was the 23rd Psalm & the other was the 1st chapter of James - verses I'd referred to since I was their age. We all cried.



She was very generous in allowing me in the delivery room even though it was only supposed to be one person the hospital made an exception! She even let me take pictures. Now, this was VERY important to me because I wanted to be able to show my son that I was there for him as soon as I could be. Plus, being behind the lens helped me go into auto-pilot mode & calmed me down.



At 12:36 am on Thurs. Feb. 26, 2009, I watched & photographed as my son was born. I was actually hysterical - I think they were worried about me in that room! Also, Jackson did not breathe for about a min. A team of nurses were putting tubes in him & shaking him, etc. He didn't cry, he opened one eye & whimpered. I was so relieved! Moments later he was sent into another room where he was weighed (5lbs. 12 ozs.) & measured (18 1/4 in.). He really didn't cry but looked around & followed our voices. We left at about 1:30am. He was in perfect health!



Thurs. night after our 6 hr. visit in the hospital - they let us hang out in an empty nursery all day - we went to Target to buy 'stuff'. OMG! We had nothing - I thought he was going to sleep in a laundry basket & a towel! I'd never been in the baby section - all the diapers & formula were dizzying, what to buy? Pull-up's, no, not yet! Byron took a photo on his cell phone of the formula they had at the hospital & we bought that kind & the same kind of diapers, too.



Ironically, we finished watching that episode of American Idol with Jackson between us! If someone said, by the end of this episode all your dreams will come true I would have thought they were crazy!



My sister Kristy flew in from WI (6 months pregnant herself) & helped for the first week - even though she stayed at my mom's house so we were still in for night time feedings! She & my mom planned my baby shower & one of my past brides/friends help her register for me! So many people attended, it was really touching & I needed so many things!



The morning we picked him up from the hospital I was on live TV - Good Morning Texas - hosting a fashion show of bridal gowns from the bridal store I own...lots of things were going on in my life when he arrived & everything had to be rearranged. Some people said, "Welcome to motherhood!" Well, true but most moms have 9 months to plan their daily activities, etc. It's like he fell out of the sky & we caught him!



Now it's been 10 1/2 weeks as I type this. I think it's still an adjustment but we are now having something strange called a routine...whew!



I just want to end this by saying that I so value & appreciate everyone who has been by our side with love, gifts, advice, heartfelt congratulations & even their own tears of joy! All of it has been the absolute biggest blessing in our lives - not since the day Byron proposed have I been so unbelievably happy. The Lord has heard my cries. His timing is perfect - if we'd gotten Jackson when we'd first asked his biological mother would only have been 9 years-old! Sometimes to make your dreams come true, God needs to work in other people first! Remember that when you are impatient for God to answer your prayers. There is always stuff going on that you have no clue about!



Boy did we get blessed with a beautiful baby, too, I mean WOW, I hoped, dreamed & prayed for a beautiful baby & the Lord delivered in spades. Thank you dear Lord, you have never failed me!"

Sheri - posted on 07/29/2009

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I think your daughter should take care of her responsibility. I got pregnant at 16 and had him when I turned 17 and I took care of my son. I had support but I did most of it. I believe you should support and help but for the most part let her do it.

Shondale - posted on 07/29/2009

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as a mom of a daughter who had a baby at 15. i would first like to say this is my own opinion not what the Lord has told me to tell you. Your daughter should not base her decision on the father being there or not. she should keep her child because she wants to be a good mother. my husband and i made a decision that our daughter (my stepdaughter) would keep her baby and at 16 came baby 2, 17 baby 3 and by 19 she had 4 babies yes 4 and the father was murderd while pregnant with the fourth there was a lot of disappointment there. alot of blame game but abortion was never a option we taught about asbency and condoms but we couldn't follow her around. She is now 22 she has her own place and is doing the best she can the two boys are with their grandmother and she has the two girls. we love our grandchildren we made her take responsibilitie for her actions. I pray your daughter only has the one and further her education and save future children for when shes married. but as parents all we can do is direct them but in the end they have the final decision. trust in the Lord and allow him to direct your family. oh and don't give up on your future unless the Lord directs you to do so. May God Bless you with a healthy grandchild because at this point thats all that matters.

Jacqui - posted on 07/29/2009

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Hello,

I just want you to know that You and your Daughter are in my prayers!!! I am a young mother myself. I know how hard it can ber to wrap your head around all of the possibilities. Just know that no matter what happens, God is with you and your Daughter!! My Mother was very supportive and still is, she loves my Daughter with all of her heart. I did make a mistake, but I grew up fast,Me being a mother has been the best gift EVER!! It has made me a better Christian and an all around better person. It is very refreshing to see people as yourself be so considerate of your Daughters wishes and be there to help her along the way. Alot of mothers would do opposite and judge their daughters. I do believe that what ever happens is in Gods hands, I tell myself that everyday. This will be a very big learning experience for the both of you and could very well bring you guys closer, in the meantime I will be praying for you guys and I really hope for the best!!! God Bless you**

Helen - posted on 07/29/2009

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let her take care of her own chid she lay there and have it so let her take care of her own child. you got your own so stop thinking about it.if it bother you that bad pray about.everyday if you can say this to yourself too bless to be stress.have a goodday

[deleted account]

what about adoption? there are so many parents who are waiting at the chance to have a healthy little baby. Adoption is not a cop out for the pregnant teen, it could be whats best for the baby. It is a selfless act. Tough situation, i am sorry you have this dilema. I will be praying for you and her to have wisdom on the decisions you are facing.

Angie - posted on 07/28/2009

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If your daughter is really serious about wanting to be a mother to this child then she should take responsibility and raise them. Open adoption is always a positive alternative. This way she could pick the parents that would adopt the child. You wouldn't have to worry about the child growing up in a bad environment. This worked well for my birthdaughter, who is now 4 years old. She was adopted by a wonderful Christian family that I picked. We're still in contact today. I receive pictures and letters frequently. However, I feel I must point out that I was 10 years older than your daughter when this took place and was able to handle doing it knowing I was doing what was best for my daughter. I don't know how a teenager would feel about it. Above all, it's up to her. But whatever she decides she needs to commit to that decision. And there's nothing wrong with you helping her out and giving her support...but doing it by yourself and letting her off the hook is not the answer, in my opinion.

Hali - posted on 07/28/2009

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With a little bit of love and whole lot of GOD, you will both come through this situation (and countless others that will arise out of it) with flying colours. When I had my son his father left us. My parents stepped in and help with childcare so that I could return to school. It ended up being the best thing for everyone as my son and his grandparents have a very close relationship now that he is 8 yrs old. We have also decided that we are going to build a house next to them so that we can always be close and my son can visit them whenever he wants. There nothing that compares to having a great support system.

Shannon - posted on 07/28/2009

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my oldest daughter also got pregnant at 16, at the time I was a single mom of 4 with my youngest being 4. I was in college and just starting my teaching career, needless to say my daughter was scared and so was I. With the support of our church and family God blessed us through this event. My daughter stayed in high school even becoming captain of dance team after baby was born she was and is a wonderful mother and took her daughter everywhere with her. I was always there to support her but my daughter was determined to not be a typical teen mom and she took full responsibiity of her child only waking me one time in 2 years to help her. It was hard for me at times because I wanted to take the baby and let her rest or be a teenager and go out with friends but I had to make myself step back and allow her to be the mother and me the grandmother. Her boyfiend decided about 6 months after baby was born he was not ready to be a full time father and moved away to college, he is now in the child's life more but needed time to explore himself. Her senior year of high school she met another boy who she is now married to and has another child with.(pregnant 2nd time after marriage) She is currently in college herself and a stay at home mom raising my two wonderful grandchildren. My granddaughter's middle name is Faith because my daughter said it was her "faith" in god that got her through. My main advise is remember you are the grandmother and she is the mother be there for support but allow her to become the wonderful mother that God has planned for her.

Laura - posted on 07/28/2009

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You need to let her decide what's best. If she wants to keep the baby just offer support. Yes, doing school and raising a baby is hard, but it's worth it in the end. I got pregnant at 17 fell in love with the father, and married him. I did drop out of school mainly because my hubby wanted to go to college. My choice not his. He went through school, and graduated top of his class and has a really good job as a mechanical designer. My son starts kindergarten this fall, and I'm going back to school. I'm looking for someone to watch my daughter while I'm in school. I love my kids and wouldn't give them up for the world. I was raised christian, and now I'm not sure what I believe or anything right now. Long story and I don't tell it unless asked just how I am.

Yes, I do regret dropping out. But looking back and thinking about all the stuff that my mom even said she wanted me to do when I was pregnant I'm very glad I didn't listen to her or anyone else. I love my kids more than ever and wouldn't change anything that has happened.

And honestly I think that saying she made a mistake is saying that her baby is a mistake. That's what my mom said when I got pregnant with my first and let me tell you that hurts. And honestly the way I see it is that if you don't think you're kids were a mistake no matter what age you had them than why would you say their children are a mistake. End of rant.

Cassie - posted on 07/27/2009

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Hi, I had my daughter, who is 16 and engaged right now, when I just turned 20. I am still married to her daddy. I am so sorry to hear that your daughters daddy was killed, God has been there for you since day one helping you one day at a time. I myself am scared that one day my daughter will come home pregnant because his family does not believe in birth control. They have promised God they will stay pure to each other until marriage, but as you say even the best of kids make mistakes.. This baby, he/she is not a mistake. This baby was intended by God to be born. God will lead and guide your daughter and yourself with the decisions needed to be made once the baby is born. If you two are very close and working together with her to raise this baby would be good for the two of you. I like the suggestion above about paying your daughter to take care of her sibling. It will give her good experience for her near future. Is the Baby daddy involved with your daughter still, will he help? There is a way for this to work. God works in mysterious ways and He always helps us find the good in bad or hard situations. If your daughter chooses adoption, finding a sincere Christian family to raise the baby is good, it just depends on your decisions. You have a few months to decide so take and enjoy each moment God has given you and look for the answers to come. Good luck and God bless the three/four of you.

Melinda - posted on 07/27/2009

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You need to 'Let go and Let God' - this baby is her responsibility and if you take that away from her, you may be enabling her. Who knows? This baby may be just the inspiration she needs to prioritize her life, and she may not reach that point until she sees her little baby's face. Just let go... :)

[deleted account]

Also, check in your town or locally, and see if there is a Chrisitan-based pregnancy crisis center. There is one in my area in a neighboring town: they offer assistance to teen moms who choose to adopt, education/resources for teen moms who choose to keep and raise the baby, as well as infant clothing/some furniture/diapers to the girls who receive services there. The girls also receive information from trained volunteers on Christ, salvation and the plan that God has just for them. My local crisis center is supported by several area churches and private donations. It's just another option/way to get further information and assistance.

Rabecca - posted on 07/27/2009

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I have to say eventhough I wasnt a teen mom my sister was and she was at age 15 and I can tell you she was a great mom but we as a family pulled together and helped .my sister is a year older than me and 18 years ago had my nephew mind you this was 1990 and even then they didnt have alot of the programs they have now for teen moms in school but I think you need to really find out as a family what you can and cannot do you can have the best out come you can dream as long as she has support and at times the support to just be a teen and have some of the experiences most teens have prom graduation ect whatever her choice is .she can have it all as long as she knows this is not an end all just another stage in her life I am telling you from experience my mother did not raise my nephew but yes helped as I did my sister finshed school on time went to nursing school and married had 2 more kids and is very sucessful in her personal and work life because she had people who loved her helped her and told her she could My mother may be closer to God than any person I will ever met and her daughter was a teen parent too but we desided to look at him as a gift unexpected but still a gift and I think it did give my sis the strenght to change and make a great life for herself her son and now her two girls

but maybe adoption is the way to go only you as a family can deside that or if you are willing to take on that role if thats what she wants than I know he rewards those who serves others God test us rewards us in all different ways pray he will lead you two towards his path he has for you

Heather - posted on 07/27/2009

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I just spent 2 1/2 years of my life raising a teen with a baby. I too had a 4year and so did she. And you can't take her responsibility because she is going to do it again. Just mine did. You have teens all you can do is pray they will do the right thing...when they don't YOU feel guilty but you can't take their responsiblilites or you will just have more! Trust me!

Hali - posted on 07/27/2009

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Perhaps you should discuss the options with your daughter. If she is ready to take this on, offer her support. If she is not ready, you could choose to adopt the baby. You never know what kind of relationship will develop between them, maybe in a few years when she is more prepared she may want the responsibility of her child. If she takes care of the baby while you continue to attend school, you may be in a better financial position to help her through college so that she is able to properly care for herself and her child. This is a tough decision for both of you, but it's one that you have to make together. There are so many factors to consider. I wish the best in making your decision and I will pray for God's guidance in your lives.

IDA - posted on 07/27/2009

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HI,I am a woman who at 16 had my first child,my mother had passed away a few weeks before I found out I was pregnant.My father had remarried by the time the baby was born,I wasent allowed to live at home,I had no job,and no place to go.My son was adopted by his grandparents(the fathers parents) It was the hardest thing I had ever gone through.What ever your daughters decision,please let her know you love and suport her.Life for my son and me would have been very differant if I would have had someone who suported me.I do have a relationship with my son,but it is nothing like what it could have been,we both strugle with what it could have been like.I have nothing against adoption,I have adopted two boys through foster care,and I have three other biological children.If she decides to keep the baby,the biggest thing she will need is your love and suport.

[deleted account]

Three words:

Liberty Godparent Home: http://www.godparent.org/

"Need Help? Call: (888) 760-5433

Offering services to young women facing an unplanned pregnancy while deciding to parent or make an adoption plan."

God bless you and your family!

Robin - posted on 07/26/2009

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Wow, I really am not sure what I would do in this situation. My oldest daught is almost 7 and all I can say that if it happend to her. I would support her no matter what. I think that she needs to really sit back and think how this is going to affect her life. Does she want this baby and is she willing to give up teenage life to be a mother? She needs to continue to finish school, maybe go to college, and be a real mom to this baby. If she is not willing to do that, then you need to decide if you are willing to give up yourself to be a parent to this child or put it up for adoption through a Christian adoption agency. I hope you dont think I am being mean or cruel. I see no problem with adoption. I do not beleive in abortion and dont think that should ever be a choice no matter what the situation is. I am a Christian mom of two wonderful girls and I will deffinately be praying for you and your daughter in this difficult situation.

Shannan - posted on 07/26/2009

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Honey, There are some very good Christian adoption agencies and ways to check on the perspective parents to make sure that child is going to a good home. At 16 your daughter would have to realize that no matter what the boy says now, he most likely will not make the sacrifices to help raise that child and your daughter would have to do it alone. I have 3 adopted uncles who are an integral part of our family and who have felt blessed to have been given such a wonderful family. Whatever choice she makes, it will be very hard. As a labor and delivery nurse I have seen teens who have made both choices, and I have seen the families who are there to pick up a child they never knew they could have. Adoption is a gift of love. Check out Michael McLean's song on adoption, it is beautiful and heart wrenching and is all about a teenager who went through the heartache of making such a choice.
My prayers are with you and yours,
Shannan

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Tammy, I do agree that a 2 parent, adult home would be ideal for the child, but whether or not to put the baby up for adoption is entirely up to the child's mother and she isn't the one asking for our advice. :) I know that giving a child up for adoption is a very selfless act, but it's definitely not one that I could've ever done. Granted, I've never faced being a teen mom, but I have faced and am a single mom (husband left when I was 7 months pregnant w/ our son). I know you were referring to single, teen moms which I am definitely not, but it still does relate to my situation a bit since my son has absolutely no clue what a dad is.... Our life is not ideal, but no one can give my son (or his big sisters) the same love that his mother does.



I've probably said way more than necessary. ;)

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I agree w/ Teresa above. Would it be incredibly difficult for your daughter to finish school while raising her baby? Absolutely. However, there are young girls who made the same choice as your daughter who do that very thing every day. Check with her high school- do they offer a school-associated daycare that allow the girls to attend and finish school? In my town our high school has a program like that, and in addition the girls are required to work a few hours each week. It may even be a work-study class, I'm not definite on the details. Grandma could be available to help out every now and then, but I think your daughter would have to "face the music" and take responsibility for the life she helped create. You would be a wonderful resource for advice and guidance, but I could not say that I personally would recommend you raising your daughter's child. She made a bad choice, and unfortunately it was a life-changing one. I would be her mother and give her emotional and spiritual support during the pregnancy, and as she raises the child (if she does not consider adoption). It's a tough situation for all, but I would think there is a way for this to work out for all involved. My prayers will be with you both.

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Keep in mind that this advice is coming from someone who's oldest children are 7..... :)



I think if your daughter chooses to keep the baby then he/she needs to be your daughter's responsibility. That's not to say that Grandma can't help out a little, but I think you would be doing your child and her child a disservice by actually raising the baby for her (unless she chooses to put the baby up for adoption and you choose to adopt him/her). You are right that the baby should not have to suffer, but at the same point your daughter does need to be held accountable for her actions. Actions that created a precious life. Being a single mom is TOUGH as I'm sure you know, but being a mom is also the most rewarding 'job' in the world.

HoneyComb - posted on 07/25/2009

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Mrs Shelly Burton, Answer to all your questions ... 1. No shes not immiture. 2. No shes not out of control nor am I controling, and if that were so what does that have to do with a baby having a fair chance. 3. Yes she made a very bad choice, but at this stage in the game, whats done is done. And again DOES THE BABY HAVE TO SURRER FOR HER MISTAKE) 4. Yes she was raised with christian values, lots of us were, but does that stop us from making mistakes, no mater how hard we try , temptation comes in all forms ... did you know that. You went on to say let her do what she needs to do to be a mommie, tell me ... what is it that a 16 year old can do, I really would like to know? 5. Did her father in your words "High tail it"... No Mam ... in fact he was a very successful resturant owner, who was rob and kill while working at his resturant. Me being raised with Christian values, morals, character, value as well as being taught to be the best parent I can be, giving up and letting someone suffer is a bit harsh ... not being afraid to ask questions and seek HELPFUL, USEFUL, advise is the only option I have. With that said, thanks for your advise or was that a comment. Its people like you, that makes us all hold on and stay close to our faith, stay true to our beliefs, and most importantly know what battles to pick. Thank you for your time.

Melanie - posted on 07/25/2009

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Can you raise the baby together, as a family? This may be a wonderful way to compromise so that every family member "wins"? Maybe this is an opportunity for you to enhance your life with a job that does not require travel. You daughter should finish school, as well - or perhaps she can do online education to earn her high school diploma while taking care of the baby? Maybe you could pay her to care for your 4-year-old, too, so that all the children stay out of daycare. It won't be easy, and I don't know the details of your situation . . . But I know that God loves families and that there is a way for every single family member to "win".

HoneyComb - posted on 07/25/2009

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Hi Laurie ... She is not sure what she wants to do.. In my opinion she wants to wait and see how the young guy is going to act. If good she wants to keep and raise the baby, If he's just blah and dont committ, then who knows. I on the other had wants to give the child a fair chance to be raised the way she and her cousins as well as my sister and I were raised ... Not rich, not poor, but very comfortable. And I dont want the kid to have to suffer or adapted to ugly surrondings. My daughter does not reside with me. It's such a hard situation. I have friends that says if I take this one she will do it again and I have friends that says let her take responsibility. Yuck. I have to just sit and pray ... PRAY HARD ... and listen for an answer. Thanks for your encouraging advice.

Laurie - posted on 07/25/2009

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What does your daughter want to do? You can offer support and help, but you still have to be fair to your other child and yourself... If your daughter isn't willing to accept the responsibility, is adoption a choice you could live with? I guess you just have to know how much you are willing to sacrifice on your behalf... There has to come a time for every mom that they realize they are intitled to their own life... and you must choose what is best for you as well as others involved

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