disciplining for a new mom

[deleted account] ( 6 moms have responded )

Hi everyone! I am a relatively new mom-my son will be 1 next month and recently he has started biting me all the time. Firm 'No's" are not working. Which brings me to my question-how do I discipline someone so young? I'm nervous because I was raised by yelling/screaming hitting parents and I certainly don't want to fall into that. But I also don't want to raise my baby without any boundaries. What do you suggest?

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[deleted account]

I loved the "Babywise/Childwise" series, by Gary Ezzo, it's the same as the "Growing Kids Gods Way". All my babies went through a biting stage around that age. I would give a firm no, put them down and walk away. Also at that age, one minute in the crib helps too. They typically understand seperation at this age, and they know that seperation isn't something they want. If they believe that no is followed by seperation, they will avoid doing what it is they don't want to happen. Some kids respond faster than others. But all it takes is for you to walk away far and long enough that they don't see you and feel seperated, no more than one minute is enough for his age. I found that worked good for us. Next time he bites you, put him right down. You don't have to hold him if he's hurting you, and he'll learn that fast. He might scream, he might laugh and play, but you don't have to be around him or hold him if he's biting you. If he does laugh and play, just walk away. There'll come a point when he doesn't want to be put down and will get upset when he isn't getting what he wants because he bit you. But never stop doing it, even if it doesn't seem to get a response (other than he can't bite you cause you aren't holding him) that you want to see. You don't have to be a teething ring for your child, you can be in control of the situation by preventing the situation from happening.

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Angela - posted on 07/27/2009

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I agree with Tammy,about the discipline offered by babywise. it just didnt seem realistic and i have been around babywise disciplined children and quite frankly i didnt really like being around them. they were a bit much to deal with because they behaved like children who did not get any direction or discipline...now, dont get me wrong, I used babywise well i adapted it to fit what i felt was best for my babies but it was a good schedule guide for feeding/sleep schedule. now when i looked at it for discipline i was lost. My son is very strong willed, strong child who will scream for an hour straight if you let him...putting him in another room was more trouble than it was worth because he would continue with the behavior when he got back in the room with me. So i feel i was led to scripture to guide me in disciplining my children one i have on my fridge is Prov 23:13 Don't fail to correct your children. They won't die if you spank them. I still use time out and verbal corrections before a "swat" but I have found this works far better. Also i agree it is most important to look at and nurture their hearts, their little minds and remind them how much they are loved and appreciated, so when i discipline i make sure not to say, or do anything if I have gotten upset. i try to discipline with a calm yet firm tone, and do not try to soothe him, but let him know that he is still loved, for instance once he is out of time out or whatever, I dont bring it up again, I dont talk about it in front of him if I am telling my husband about what he did when the situation is over it is over, we can go back to reading or playing and he seems to respond to this far better than anything else i have tried.

[deleted account]

With all due respect to Suzanne, I must disagree with the recommendation of the Ezzo materials. I think they are the worst excuse for parenting "experts" out there. Their information was so wrong and upsetting to me that I literally want to throw up just thinking about it. I cried my eyes out after watching their videos. I pray that no one is following their program to the letter!!! Particularly that part of it that pertains to infants.

My oldest was my bad biter but she didn't bite me, she bit other children (one boy in particular) and I tried separating her from the other child or taking her home. We did this SEVERAL times. I lost a friendship over it. I tried several other things but she just didn't "get it". She didn't see what the problem was with biting and didn't connect what I was doing with the biting, so the next time she saw the kid, she just bit him again! The thing that finally worked was biting her back. I only had one of my other kids who bit. The other one just did it once or twice, sort of experimentally and the same thing worked for her too. I told them, "You do NOT bite people. I'm going to show you how it feels when you bite someone." and bit them just enough to make it really uncomfortable, not enough to leave lasting marks or break the skin. Then I said, "That hurts doesn't it?" (YES) "That's how it feels when you bite John/whoever. It is not nice to hurt our friends so we're not going to do that anymore, right?" (yes) The bad biter took 2 times of doing that. My other child only took one time. Little kids do not realize that other people have the same feelings that they have. They have to be TAUGHT that other people have feelings and emotions just like them and that biting is unacceptable because it HURTS the other person. The only way to make a toddler understand that something hurts is to show them (a toned down version, just enough to give them the general idea). It's logical and understandable and they can make a direct connection between the pain they feel and biting someone else. I think most kids are not mean. They just enjoy the cause and effect or they are venting frustration. When you can get them to make the connection that they are causing PAIN (particularly causing MOMMY pain) and that the same pain will come back to THEM, they tend to stop doing it.

I had some really wacked out parents too so I know it's hard to find a balance when all that has been modeled for you is sick behavior. You just need to pray that God will guide you in disciplining your child and be willing to do what you are doing here- ask other Christians for guidance. I have found that God will correct me when I do something inappropriate and give me a sense of peace when what I am doing is in His Will. I find that what comes out of my MOUTH is what I really have to watch. As long as you are not flying off in a rage at your child, you probably are not going to hurt them physically. What you really have to watch is that you don't SAY something that will scar them in their HEART or do something that will make them feel unloved or rejected. I got beaten as a kid and I certainly don't recommend that, but I think that was a minor issue for me. It's the things that were SAID and the rejection that I still, at 44 years old, struggle with. I think if you focus on your child's heart you will not go wrong.

[deleted account]

With all due respect to Suzanne, I must disagree with the recommendation of the Ezzo materials. I think they are the worst excuse for parenting "experts" out there. Their information was so wrong and upsetting to me that I literally want to throw up just thinking about it. I cried my eyes out after watching their videos. I pray that no one is following their program to the letter!!! Particularly that part of it that pertains to infants.

My oldest was my bad biter but she didn't bite me, she bit other children (one boy in particular) and I tried separating her from the other child or taking her home. We did this SEVERAL times. I lost a friendship over it. I tried several other things but she just didn't "get it". She didn't see what the problem was with biting and didn't connect what I was doing with the biting, so the next time she saw the kid, she just bit him again! The thing that finally worked was biting her back. I only had one of my other kids who bit. The other one just did it once or twice, sort of experimentally and the same thing worked for her too. I told them, "You do NOT bite people. I'm going to show you how it feels when you bite someone." and bit them just enough to make it really uncomfortable, not enough to leave lasting marks or break the skin. Then I said, "That hurts doesn't it?" (YES) "That's how it feels when you bite John/whoever. It is not nice to hurt our friends so we're not going to do that anymore, right?" (yes) The bad biter took 2 times of doing that. My other child only took one time. Little kids do not realize that other people have the same feelings that they have. They have to be TAUGHT that other people have feelings and emotions just like them and that biting is unacceptable because it HURTS the other person. The only way to make a toddler understand that something hurts is to show them (a toned down version, just enough to give them the general idea). It's logical and understandable and they can make a direct connection between the pain they feel and biting someone else. I think most kids are not mean. They just enjoy the cause and effect or they are venting frustration. When you can get them to make the connection that they are causing PAIN (particularly causing MOMMY pain) and that the same pain will come back to THEM, they tend to stop doing it.

I had some really wacked out parents too so I know it's hard to find a balance when all that has been modeled for you is sick behavior. You just need to pray that God will guide you in disciplining your child and be willing to do what you are doing here- ask other Christians for guidance. I have found that God will correct me when I do something inappropriate and give me a sense of peace when what I am doing is in His Will. I find that what comes out of my MOUTH is what I really have to watch. As long as you are not flying off in a rage at your child, you probably are not going to hurt them physically. What you really have to watch is that you don't SAY something that will scar them in their HEART or do something that will make them feel unloved or rejected. I got beaten as a kid and I certainly don't recommend that, but I think that was a minor issue for me. It's the things that were SAID and the rejection that I still, at 44 years old, struggle with. I think if you focus on your child's heart you will not go wrong.

Michelle - posted on 07/24/2009

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Heather,

May I Suggest "Sheperding a Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp. The reason I suggest this book above the others I have either used or read is for this reason. It does not teach us how to raise our children the best way to obey us or to become little moralists, it teaches them to obey us because God's word says to and it gives Gospel Centered parenting techniques to deal with the HEART ISSUE, which is sin... even in our 1 yr olds! =)

It is easy to read and apply but mostly it gives practical parenting application based on Scripture and the Gospel of Christ.

I hope this helps you! BTW you can probably get this pretty cheap on Amazon. =)

Leah - posted on 07/23/2009

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My son is the same way, we use time out with a minute time limit. He it may take a while, but he will get the picuter. But the important thing to do is tell him why he is in trouple. Example: It is not ok to climb because you can get hurt. Make sure after the time out you tell him the same thing and let him know that you still love him.

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