Divorce ... Am I going to hell!!!

Jennifer - posted on 01/12/2012 ( 21 moms have responded )

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I know what the Bible says and I believe it with all my heart! However, after 6 years of verbal, mental and emotional abuse, threats of divorce every 3-4 months, and a major lack of involvement in our marriage or with our daughter...I finally filed for divorce after receiving an email from him 1 month into his 8 month deployment telling me he was done with our marriage and was taking his ring off! My daughter used to lock her and I in a room to get away from her father and often said things like "don't talk to my mommy like that"!! I had to make a decision as a mother to not let our daughter grow up to think it was ok to be talked to like that and to let her be a kid instead of sitting in my lap trying to protect me all the time. I have to answer to God as her mother and as much as I do believe in God and his word, I have a hard time believing God would want me to live that way for the rest of my life. I didn't just "give up" either. I told my husband several years ago that I felt if we put our marriage in God's hands and if he would attend church with my  daughter and I, that with a lot of work on both our parts, our marriage could be 

saved. He came to church for a while and played the part while he was there, but once we got home...he was back to his old self. He attended church for 3 years and was even saved. Then one day, he just stopped going. So I guess my question is...according to the Bible and apparently a lot of posts on this site, do you believe I am going to hell?

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Carla - posted on 01/13/2012

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Paul said if the unbeliever isn't pleased to dwell with you, that they could leave, and you are not under bondage to stay with him. I am very sorry for you and your daughter, however, take God with you and get yourselves healthy, mentally and spiritually. I don't know if you married him while an unbeliever, if you married him thinking you could 'change him' or if you didn't get God's okay. WHEN you are ready, make sure the next man is at least as Godly as you, if not more. Marriage is rough (as you have found out). It's a lifetime commitment, so make sure God wants you joined to this man.



AND, as you have found out, just because they say they are saved doesn't mean they truly are. True salvation brings a heart transplant. We will never be perfect, and there will always be bumps in the road, but at least, as Christians, we have Help.



This community has a lot of wonderful women ready to comfort, encourage and strengthen. I encourage you to talk to them/us often.



God bless, and, in answer to your question--no! lol

Pat - posted on 01/17/2012

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there is another point in this. yes, you will be forgiven for divorce should it not be biblical. HOWEVER, there are always consequences. could be financial, could be emotional.... YES, God will forgive, but there might be outcomes that arent thought of. in my case... my loneliness from my first divorce(before i was saved) led me to cling to a man who, long story short, ended up molesting my daughter. i knew something wasnt right with him, ignored that voice cuz i didnt want to be alone... now i have a 14 yr old emotionally messed up girl, and 2 little girls who are growing up without a father. yes, his actions are sick, but had i listened to that little(holy spirit) voice... my life would be much different. YES, there is forgivenss and grace, thankfully. but in my case, there is also much pain involved along with that grace.

Pat - posted on 01/17/2012

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Also, we have to confess so we can be forgiven and back in fellowship with God. If we have sin between us and God,there will be a hinderance to our prayers and our relationship with Him..

Carla - posted on 01/17/2012

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I have to take exception to your statement, Alisha. Paul was very clear in telling us IF our unbelieving spouse wants to leave, we are not under bondage, but he was also very clear in saying that in picking #2, to make sure he is a believer. Don't make that same mistake again! (I Corinthians 7:15)



In Romans 3:25, Paul says Jesus was the Propitiation for sins that are past. Jesus comes into our hearts and forgives our past. Hebrews 10:26-31 says that once we have been truly saved, and have the enlightenment, if we sin again, there is no more sacrifice for us. Since I spent many, many years falling and getting back up, only to fall again, I have come to understand that my heart hadn't been truly conformed. I had religion, I didn't have Jesus! Thank God, thank God He was patient with me! NOW, however, I have to guard my salvation carefully.



IF Jennifer's husband walks away, she is free to marry another, only in the Lord.



God bless, all

Pat - posted on 01/15/2012

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NO! you are not going to hell for divorcing him. you go to hell for not accepting Jesus as your savior. period. there may be consequences to all of this, but you do not go to hell over divorce. i was in a bad situation also. divorce isnt what sends anyone to hell.

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Elisha - posted on 07/31/2012

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Honey, I want you to go online and research the traits of a narcissist. They are people who are so consmed with their self-centeredness that they actually believe that they are above everybody else and superior and entitled to whatever they want, and they will lie and manipulate and do whatever they have to in order to get what they want, including being involved in church. Ask me how I know? Yep, I took my ex back after he walked out on me for another woman, got dishonorably discharged from the military, lost all his possessions and money to this girl, ruined my credit, everything... he even insisted we fast together and pray together and everything. It was all an act. Six months after I let him move back in, he left me for another woman again. These are people who 99.999% of the time NEVER CHANGE and CANNOT BE FIXED. Your only hope with them is to get custody and court ordered child support, and put as much distance between him and you as possible. If you are having any kind of legal difficulty with your divorce with him, or if it's still causing you problems, get the book Splitting by Bill Eddy.

Deborah - posted on 01/20/2012

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No. I am not the kind of person to jump straight to divorce because things get hard. Sometimes, people get married and realize they made a mistake. We are human, we are flawed. That is how God made us. I believe we are supposed to learn from our mistakes and be better and stronger for them. If a woman is in a physically abusive marriage, do you think she should stay and endanger her life? No, hon. No. Mental and emotional abuse are just as bad as physical abuse in how damaging it is to you and your soul.



I don't believe you are going to hell. You are protecting your daughter from a man who has no interest in her, and therefore is not a good father. You did what you could, and he is the one ending the marriage, not you. Don't your vows read "Love and Obey?" he says it's over, accepting that is can be seen as being obedient to that.



Marriages are hard, because it takes two people to make them work. He is not doing that, and he isn't living up to his end of the bargain.



This is something HE will have to answer to God for, not you. Simply because you started the paperwork is a matter for mortal debate, not divine.

Maria - posted on 01/20/2012

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oh you have shar pei??? I have 2 of them, they are adorable; I really love them

Maria - posted on 01/20/2012

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I know what you mean by that because I`m facing the same tough decision as to whether to file for divorce or to stick it through and try to salvage my marriage. After continuous praying for my husband for him to change, I know that what God requires of me is a complete surrender to His word and FAITH! My faith has never been strong enough to follow through with His word regardless of how hard it is, and once I made up my mind to be faithful to God in everything that He asks of me through His word, I started to see a major shift in my circumstances.



God would never contradict His word, and what He said in the Bible is true to all ages, all generations, centuries, etc. I think that the scrupture where it says in 1 Corrinthians 7:10-14 it could apply to both you an me. If an unbellieving husband doesn`t want to reconcile and to save marriage, then you have a right to let him go and be separated. That`s where I am now; I have to file for a limited divorce in order to get custody of our daughter and to protect her, but at the same time I pray that god would change the heart of my husband and do the impossible (which He is capable of doing!) to reconcile my marriage and to save our family for the sake of our daughter, so she could have both christian strong believing parents. I think it comes down to whata is really the true motivation and what is in the heart because at first I wanted vengence, and I wished malice for him, and then God had to show me all these wrong motivations for being separated in order to bring me back to the right relationships with Him.



Just ask yourself what is going on with you, and ask for encouragement and strength to stay faithful to His word and willing to do whatever He asks of you.



I came around this website blog where I can relate to that woman very closely, and it helped me to sustain myself through my hardships.



Here is the link:

http://godpromisedandhewilldeliver.blogs...



God is trully Failthful, and what He started, he will surely finish. I believe in that, and I hope you too!

Carla - posted on 01/19/2012

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I pray God go with you and help you keep your composure and act like the child of God you are.



God bless

Jennifer - posted on 01/19/2012

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PRAYERS TODAY EVERYONE! Today is the day! Thanks for everyone's comforting advice! I know God will be with me every second and help me to make wise decisions!

Carla - posted on 01/18/2012

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Excellent point, Pat. I, too, married someone who SAID they were Christian, but at 15, he forced me to have sex. I went along because I was skinny, homely, NO confidence, and just wanted someone to love me. Two children and 6 years later, I had to kick his tail feathers out. 40 years later, I am still suffering emotionally because of him.



God sees all this. The bottom line is, we are human. Until we are perfect (and that ain't gonna happen here on Earth!), we are going to make mistakes. Paul was writing to Timothy. Now he had told the pastors not to drink, but he told Timothy to drink a little wine to calm his stomach. Now if we were going strictly by the 'rules', Paul would have told Timothy to have faith to be healed, and suck it up and quit being so nervous. He didn't, though. He looked at his circumstance and made a decision.



Sometimes we get so caught up in the letter of the law, we forget the compassion aspect of this. God is with us, and sees our sufferings. If we have held on, trying to make our marriage work, and it just absolutely won't, because our spouse won't comply, there is nothing we can do, and there's nothing God can do, IF the offending spouse refuses. To stay where you and your children aren't safe isn't wise. So, we are back to--pray, pray, pray. It's all we can do. I WILL, however, say that my second marriage was to a man I fully believe God brought to my doorstep. That didn't keep us from messing this relationship up for 30 years. But I absolutely knew, even though the mess was my fault as much, if not more than his, I knew God had a plan for us. When I set my heart to follow hard after Jesus, no matter whether Mark came home to me or not, things started changing. We will celebrate our 40th anniversary this year, and we are both so grateful to God for undertaking for us!



I KNEW, without a shadow of a doubt, that God had brought Mark to me, so I knew He would make it work out. It was hard, hard, hard, but my faith brought us through. This is a very personal decision, between you and the Lord to decide. God is the God of Second Chances--my life shows us that! That's why I love Him so much!



God bless, sweethearts

Carla - posted on 01/17/2012

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I completely agree, Linda, but when I DO mess up, I run to Jesus and tell Him how sorry I am. We NEED to ask for forgiveness. I have had acquaintances who believe they do not have to ask for forgiveness because they were saved 20 years ago. This is a dangerous concept. If you feel you don't have to repent for what you do BECAUSE you are 'saved', you are not going to be as careful about what you do. Just wanted to clarify that ;)



God bless

Linda - posted on 01/17/2012

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Carla, I just want to clarify. We still sin, even though we are saved. None of us have been completely sanctified yet. The Hebrews passage says "If we deliberately keep on sinning..". This passage is NOT a Christian who has messed up again and confessed his sin to the Lord; this is a person who no longer cares what God thinks about sin.

Alisha - posted on 01/16/2012

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well... we are all on our way to hell unless we repent from our sins and believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, that He died for our sins (He was thinking about all of YOUR sins when He was hanging on that cross). He rose from the dead and paid YOUR penalty for all of your sins so that if you believe in Him, and ask for forgiveness and turn from your sins, then you will be saved and have eternal life in heaven with Him. Obviously God designed marriages to stay together. Divorce is a sin, and in God's eyes you will still be married to that person. You know what... God forgives. Go to www.areyouagoodperson.com and it will explain salvation which is the forgiveness of all past, present and future sins. Faith, hope and trust with your whole life to Jesus Christ the Creator of the universe is the only way to heaven. We will all sin because we are humans. The Bible says none of us are righteous, not one. But Christ was sinless and perfect and was punished for all of our sins (even your divorce). We all need Him because we are lost without Him and on our way to hell. But there is a way you can know 100% that you will go to heaven and that is to repent of your sins and give your life over to Christ.

Jennifer - posted on 01/14/2012

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Thank you to everyone for their advice and encouraging words. My "hopefully final " court date is this week. We have been separated for almost 2 years, but unfortunately him delaying things as long as possible is just another way for him to control me as long as possible. My daughter and I could really use all of your prayers this week and also prayers for my soon to be ex that God gives him the wisdom to make choices that is in the best interest of our daughter so this doesn't have to affect her anymore than it may already have. No matter how he has treated me in the past, I do pray that he humbles himself before God and finds the source of his anger so that he can live in peace and happiness. Again, thanks to everyone for their kind words!

Angela - posted on 01/14/2012

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Linda's explained this very well.



Now although I'm happily married, it's with my SECOND husband. I divorced my first husband - adultery was only one of his marital sins. I found his psychological abuse worse, actually. The man who "pretends" he's been unfaithful - just to keep his wife "on her toes" is possibly worse than the husband who gets up close and personal with other women! My lawyer told me it was "mental cruelty". The times he was actually faithful was more owing to lack of opportunity than to virtue!



So I divorced my first husband - not quite as swiftly as I ought to have done - but yes, I left after 8 years of marriage and then, 5 years later, got divorced.



Sincerely hope divorced people aren't going to Hell - there'll be a lot of us there! Including our ex-partners!



It's very easy for the person who has always been happily married to their first spouse to be a bit smug and judgemental of other people who end up divorced. This applies to Christians and non-Christians alike. Marriage is admittedly hard work but some of us, in our youthful idealism, take a gamble on choosing a life partner - even though it doesn't feel like a gamble at the time. Then we find we're backing a loser!



Don't feel guilty Jennifer. Divorce isn't a happy event but it's often a necessary one and it's still a tough choice to make.



Every blessing to you and your family and good luck for the future!

Linda - posted on 01/13/2012

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Jennifer...We are not sent to hell for specific sins. ALL of us have sinned and are headed to hell. The only hope we have is in JESUS. He loved us so much that he paid the penalty for OUR sin on the cross. If we believe that He died for our sins, and that God raised him up the third day, and if we confess Him as Savior and Lord, WE ARE SAVED. ALL OUR SINS, past, present, and future. So, to answer your question, IF you have accepted Jesus as your Savior, you are NOT going to hell and nothing can separate you from the love of God.



As far as the Bible and divorce goes, there are two Biblical grounds for divorce: adultery and an unbelieving spouse leaving you. As Carla has already pointed out, your husband has decided to leave you, and you are under no obligation to stay married to an unbeliever that wants to leave. Therefore, your actions are consistent with the Bible.

Kristina - posted on 01/12/2012

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I don't believe you are. I understand God's perspective on divorce but I also believe that He loves you and does not want you to be hurt like that. And as a father to all, He understands your need to protect your daughter. In the first testament the Bible says that divorce is inexcusable. However, Jesus died to save us from our sins. There is also a part of the Bible that explains certain situations that God will excuse divorce for, I really wish I could remember where it is at. It says that God still dislikes divorce completely, but since humanity is pretty corrupt, He does not blame any woman (or man) for leaving their spouse if there is evidence of things like adultery and abuse. Remarrying is also frowned upon but is allowed under these circumstances as well. I don't like the word "allowed" due to free will, I just could not think of a better word. If your husband decided to leave you, then God does not blame you for divorcing him and will not get angry for you remarrying if you would like to. Don't forget, just because you are the one who filed for divorce, does not mean that you are the one who left him. He decided to leave you when he told you that he no longer wanted to be with you and wanted to take his ring off. The advice that I have given may not be correct just because no one truly knows Gods intentions without praying for His guidance and understanding, but these are my beliefs and I hope they help :)

Jane - posted on 01/12/2012

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No, you are not going to Hell. He may be, but you are not. You are protecting your daughter and yourself as well from a decidedly non-Christian person.

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