Does anyone know how to handle a child with rage?

Kat - posted on 08/24/2011

http://www.consistent-parenting-advice.c...
This sight was advised to me by a woman within Christian Mothers. It may not be fully relevant but what I definitely got out of it was that anger is normal & when controlled it is ok. You won't remove anger altogether but teach him to control it. My daughter is much younger, but teaching her what her emotions are - you are feeling disappointed, you are feeling angry, you are feeling sad; and that is ok to feel that way; but it is not ok to behave this way. It has helped.

Krystal - posted on 08/24/2011

My son is a lot like yours. First, sorry that you have to go through this. I noticed that if you ignore bad behavior it tends to deplete. If he is hurting himself or others then you have to step in. I used the turtle manuver. Which is holding him against your chest on the floor, your legs around his and your arms around his. Whisper nice words to him until he calms down. My son normally falls alseep crying but it prevents him hurting other and himself. I will always remember you in my prayers

Amy - posted on 08/24/2011

I don't know if this is your situation, but I thought I'd share mine in case it is helpful.

I know a lot of people roll their eyes at ADHD; I used to be one of them.

My oldest (now 9) would behave like this. When I'd discipline him, he'd "punish" me with worse behavior. I can't tell you the frustration. I felt like a failure constantly. Others would would give me all sorts of "helpful" advice. "be consistent" (I WAS!!!)... you name it, I tried it, and it didn't work.

Finally, in the second grade, his teacher approached me about ADHD. I knew since he was 2 that I'd have to deal with that "suggestion." I thought it was a farce and that I'd just be a GOOD parent, and that would solve the problem.

I decided to give it a whirl, since I'd gone 7 years with no results on my own. He was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD (oppositional defiant disorder). I tried "natural remedies" such as supplements of EPA, DHA, removal of gluten, reducing transfats (we were already a whole-foods family)... and there was minimal help. I caved and medicated.

What a difference! The raging is gone. Turns out, it's common for ADHD kids to behave like that. They feel like failures because they can't control their impulsivity and their brains are constantly spinning with thoughts and ideas. They are "always" in trouble and feel useless and out of control. So they "gain control" by behaving badly.

It's taken quite a while to figure out what works for us. We're now on Intuniv, which is a non-stimulant, and it's working so well! It's not perfect... well, he's not perfect, but he's able to control his brain to a greater degree now. He used to talk about how he "wished he didn't exist" (so hard to hear from a 7 year old), to "I'm good at everything now."

I regret not pursuing the ADHD thing sooner. I let my own pride get in the way of healing my son. I have NO idea if this is the case for your family, but I did want to share it in case it was helpful. If you DO think ADHD might be a possiblity, please talk to your pediatrician about it sooner than later. Though my son's issues have vastly improved, some of the social repercussions were irreversable. We ended up switching schools, and none of the children on our block will play with him... two years and so much work later. I wouldn't wish that kind of isolation on any child (or parent).

Becky - posted on 10/31/2009

I didn't read through every reply but do have a few suggestions that might help. I go into homes and teach child development to families so I kinda have some insight on this. First of all you have to acknowledge what is causing the rages.. what is he doing at the time/hungry/tired/frustrated and can't communicate/doesn't get his way

Keep a journal of when he acted up and what was going on around him and even before the incident to help you better identify the problem. Then you know better how to avoid it. If it's because he is grumpy bc of lack of sleep then put him to bed earlier, if it is bc he is hungry maybe he needs a snack around a certain time, if it's bc he can't communicate his feelings.. sit with him and try to talk about what is going on/how he feels and let him know that anger is a normal emotion and that there are other ways to present them.. maybe he needs more exercise.. like outside play/running/jumping/sports, things that can help unload the stress.. And if it is bc he doesn't get his way then bargain with him.. you can do this but we are going to do this first etc.. sometimes if you let them know ahead of time what you expect out of them then they do better.

Last but not least is prayer and speaking the Word of God over him. Round up some scriptures and during the rage fits, speak them aloud and let the enemy know who is in charge. I also believe in prayer cloths and you could stick one in his pillow case/socks or somewhere on his body to serve as a point of contact after it has been prayed over..

Good luck and would love to know how it turns out! God bless!

Nina - posted on 10/31/2009

Thankyou for this comment.. This is the way that I have decided to go and I am glad that someone else understands the complexity of my situation even without knowing my situation.

Krista - posted on 10/30/2009

....you don't have any control over the situation, only Jesus Christ does...but you have a responsibility...that's to live in truth. (truth can be found in the Holy Bible)

Krista - posted on 10/30/2009

You said he's had a rough life, and he's only 5......Have you acknowledged the validity of his emotions and admitted anything you had/have done/are doing that has contributed to his rough life?

Being a Christian, have you told him about evil and it's agenda (ex: that throwing fits and being out of control is giving Satan a foothold in his life that left unchecked will only get worse)?

Have you asked him to forgive you for whatever (any and all) responsibility you had in making his life so rough? Have you asked God to forgive you for it? You have to get your life settled for/in the Lord before you can do anything about your son. Take ALL of it to the cross...this is not your son's fault.

We do not battle against flesh and blood but against spiritual powers and principalities. You ought not to be focusing so much attention on "making" him "behave" but instead teaching him about the reality of good and evil in our lives and the role he (all of us) play in it. Of course, hold him accountable for his behavior, (which is really allowing evil to motivate him)....and own your failures. Pray with humility and in brokenness.

Vicki - posted on 10/28/2009

Can you remain calm, yet assertive when he is acting like this? In a calm voice let him know, that when he chooses to express his anger with violence, he will need to go to a safe place until he is calm. Consistently remove him to a safe place to calm time every time he rages. Expressing anger is an important tool for kids to learn. There are ways to do it in a healthy way. Help him learn about alternative ways to express his natural anger, like drawing a crazy picture, punching a pillow, stomping on the grass, or whatever works for him that is a safe alternative. After he's calm, you can talk about it more. Too often, parents try to control kids emotions, instead of teaching them how to express them safely. Bless you for being a caring mother.

Linda - posted on 10/27/2009

time out, spend time togeather doing something fun. set up a game where your child gets a sticker on a board for being good or helping in cleaning there room and after a week if they are good they get to go to a movie or they get ice cream or what ever they really like but as long as they behave bad and you give in then they think that they can rule things.

Krystalyn - posted on 10/27/2009

Well, there are several kinds of way to look at this situation, You are a part of christian mommies. So if you want to look at it from a biblical standpoint you can. The bible says that you should discipline your childeren,spanking in other words. I wouldnt go over board and say that anywhere is fine, I would just stick to the bottom. But it seems to me that there is a much deeper thing going on with him here. And you might want to consider deliverance.......I would recommend tons of scripture reading to him tons of prayer over him. I mean have you ever tried when he has the fits of rage just taking him and holding him close to you and praying in a calm voice over him? pleading the blood of Jesus over him and protection. Bathe him in prayer and the word.

Anne - posted on 10/27/2009

THis is something I have done with children that are out of control. If you can do this without hurting him or yourself, hold him tightly and talk in a very calm soothing voice. If you can rock him some and maybe even sing something like "Jesus Loves ME". Please understand I do NOT have a degree in counseling, these are only things I have found that have worked. You can even Pray over him as you hold him. I will be Praying for the both of you.

Christine - posted on 10/26/2009

Sometimes just talking to them in a gentle voice on their level and being very loving but firm helps. Get to the bottom of the reason he is so angry and also have him draw and color a pic showing what he is feeling inside. Above all else pray and keep praying God sees all and knows all.

Nina - posted on 10/26/2009

Thankyou! All of these posts have been very helpful and I will be able to use them in my current situation.

Lisa - posted on 10/26/2009

well...my grandma likes to send me these columns from her newspaper and the advice guy would say:

tell him that if he throws anything other than a ball outside, then he will be confined to his room for the rest of the day. allowing for bathroom breaks.

my son gets confined to his bed. he absolutely hates that and he really hates going to bed without dinner. so he stopped his outbursts. he still has a temper but it's limited to his flopping around or balling his hands in rage. nothing gets thrown anymore.

I have to admit, dealing with violent children is difficult. And your other children can get hurt--oooh I just remembered what else I did--I took away all toys that are made from wood, metal or heavy plastic. basically, all that he was left with was stuffed animals, a few soft books, and some small toys that don't break teeth when thrown across the room at someone. (yes, son got tooth broken from toy that got thrown).

had to take away the bed twice also. I let him earn it back....

my son is now 7 and a half and no longer hurts himself or others. I also help him put his feelings into words, I watch his body language and when he starts to get upset I say something like "hey, that looks like it's tough, how you doing?" and it makes him take a break and calm down. When he gets all upset about what I tell him to do--like time to clean or go to bed, etc, I say stuff like "it looks like you are getting frustrated, do you want to talk to me about it?"

sometimes just acknowledging that they are upset or frustrated helps them to calm down. we also practice reading body language. I make faces or use different tones of voice to say the same thing and have them guess how I feel....

talk to the therapist about other ways to help all your children. be consistent, stick to whatever it is for about 2 weeks and then if it doesn't work, try something different.

and good luck!

Nina - posted on 10/26/2009

I will try this. I find that when I take away his video games, he really understands that he is in trouble, of course, he does not play video games at my house anymore. Thank you for your response!

Nina - posted on 10/26/2009

Thank you so much for your input and prayers. I will use your advice and continue to pray myself.



God Bless

Mary - posted on 10/26/2009

Nina, I completely understand, when my son was about 20 mos, he would run his head into the wall when he was upset, what worked for me by the grace of god, was to try and identify what he is feeling, like when my son would cry about not getting what he wanted, i'd say, you wanted.."such and such" and npw you're feeling disappointed, and that's makes you feel sad huh? and just keep doing it, before you know it, they'll catch on, just keep modeling the behavior you want him to have, even when you feel like strangling him, especially when you're mad, he'll really take note how you handle him, when he knows he's pushing your buttons. Another thing that helped my son, was to make him sit facing my on his bed, and make him hold your hands and look you in his eyes, even if he's violent, just take control, and if you have to hold him until he gives up then do it, if that's what he needs. One Christian couple told me (as a single mom) that every child is always asking the question "Am I loved" and sometimes they just need to know those boundaries won't move and that they are safe. Just remember this time will pass, and that beautiful baby you fell in love with is still right there. Know that i am praying for you and your son.

Twanda - posted on 10/26/2009

When he is having his rages count to ten out load so he can hear you, then go in his room and take a toy and tell him because he cannot control his self he wont play with a favorite toy. Give it back after he has went a full day of not having a rage fit. take a toy everytime he has one.