Every Other Weekend 'Dad'

Sissy Jo - posted on 11/27/2010

My New husband (daughter's step-dad) told me something I found quite interesting...if God wants him to be a part of her life (my ex), then we shouldn't stop it... she may be the only face of God he may ever see, she may be his only chance (and his family's) to Christ.

Cheryl - posted on 11/25/2010

Yes, he is being her Dad. He is also a man and doesn't think or do things like we women would do. We often "judge" based on what we would do but men are not like women. He may not "do" the parenting the way you think he should but if he wants your daughter everyother weekend, then he is being her dad. Not sure why you are requesting supervised visits unless there is an issue of safety for your daughter.
My view is this: let your daughter and former spouse develop their relationship, good or bad. Your daughter deserves to have a relationship with him and if he is wanting to see her, let him.

Michelle - posted on 11/24/2010

I had both my parents too so I dont know from experience, but judging from how other people talk and seeing how much it affects some when their father or mother isnt around, just knowing he's there probably helps alot.

Jodi - posted on 11/24/2010

oh, and my mom and dad both remarried by the time i was 5 and i love my stepparents very much. my stepdad and my dad walked me down the aisle when i was married. i lost my stepmom last year to cancer and still ache, missing my 2nd mom. good families can come from these situations, just trust God :-)

Jodi - posted on 11/24/2010

this question really hit me and i thought i would respond. my parents split when i was 3 and my dad was a weekend dad. he got me and my brother faithfully every other Friday evening and dropped us back at my mom's on Sunday. my dad was not the best dad and wasn't very knowledgeable about taking care of kids (that's what my mom did, and that was what his mom had done) and he still can't handle babysitting his grandkids completely on his own. one funny story we love to tell was when he gave my brother and i cereal with sour milk for breakfast. we told him there was something wrong with it and he yelled that it was fine, then took a huge swig and spit it all out in the sink.

i guess the point i'm trying to make is to not be too hard on the dads. like someone posted earlier, they don't have the same instinct that we moms do and they often don't have as much experience. he might not even realize that what he did was inappropriate. maybe try to give him clearer expectations of what he needs to do when he's with her. we all will make mistakes with our kids. the best we can do is try to make sure they know that we love them.

my dad did a lot of irresponsible things with me and my brother but we lived and i was very blessed to have a mom who never said bad things about my dad even though as an adult, i know that he hurt her terribly. it sounds like your little girl's dad loves her but he might not know best how to take care of her on his own and i bet he feels intimidated knowing how well you care for her.

i hope you all work the visitation out and that your girl can grow up like i did, knowing she was loved by her parents even though they weren't together

Carla - posted on 11/22/2010

Alisha, don't you wish God would tell us all the stuff we need BEFORE we head out into the world? It would sure help ;) I laughingly tell people I am the only woman I know that was pregnant BOTH times she got married! However, God was able to take my not-so-spiritual self and make something beautiful. My children are the light of my life. Would I have done things a little different? I don't think so. God has used the rotten things in my life to teach me some wonderful truths, which I would never have known without getting into some of the binds I've been in! ALL things work for good to those that love Christ, and are CALLED according to His purpose. I've been called, of that I have no doubt. And the tough times are what's going to give me compassion to deal with the hurting people. There's hardly anything that I haven't been through, and found Him faithful, even when I had fallen away.

Learn your lessons well, honey, and be ready to answer people when they ask why you trust Jesus, and HOW, with all the trauma you've been through CAN you trust Him. We have an amazing ministry ahead, sweetie!

Alisha - posted on 11/21/2010

@ Sissy Jo Calvin. Thanks for sharing your story, it's encouraging that guys out there will take care of children that aren't their own. Well, my situation God did not put me through at all, it was my own sinful decisions that put me in the situation of having a child and not being married! So, I had to talk to the Lord about how my decisions were againist Him and not working for me, the Lord's way is so much better, He is slowly showing me how I should be living as Christ's Child and it's a billion times better! I'm waiting until I'm married now to be intimate and I'm waiting on the Lord for my future husband.

Sissy Jo - posted on 11/18/2010

I have a 9 year old who is so wonderful and her biological left us when she was 17 months old. When she was just over 2 years old, I started dating "Cal" and he has been just wonderful with her. We married when she was 5. Her dad still is in contact with her, more now that we have gotten her own cell phone. She visits him every 3rd weekend. We don't live in the same area anymore. I would say, that even if he's not in the picture as much, he is still her father. Nothing would change that. Half of his blood is her blood. I'm not sure why God puts us through things like that, except to say that what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. I really believe that!
Blessings.

Alisha - posted on 11/18/2010

@ Teresa Wintersteen. Great comment! I agree that God gave them to us to take care of and he has a wonderful plan for them! Thanks for sharing and thanks for praying! I will pray for you and your situation.

Teresa - posted on 11/16/2010

I would say he is still her dad. My ex has only seen our kids twice in the past 7 months, but he is still their dad. They love him and want to see him/have a relationship w/ him. Now, do I feel that he actually fills the 'dad role'? Nope, not even close. I have male friends and my dad that fill that role in their lives way more than he has in the past 2.5 years and probably way more than he ever will again. But he is their dad and nothing will change that. It's just up to me (and you, and all the other single mothers) to do my best to make sure that the way their relationship occurs is done in the best interest of the children as much as possible. Obviously we can't control our exes at all, but hopefully control the circumstances just enough to keep the kids safe. We also have to remember that these aren't OUR children as much as they are GOD'S children. :)

Carla - posted on 11/16/2010

Glad to hear you are being responsible in your conduct in front of your daughter. Keep up the good work, we are praying for you, and all the other mothers that are going through this trauma/drama. Praying that the men of the world grow up and see what they are doing to their precious little ones.

God bless, sweetie

Alisha - posted on 11/15/2010

Yes, he left her alone and countless other ridiculous things. She is 4 years old and will be 5 in 3 weeks!! Scary as a mom, but she's wonderful. He did request more time and told me a million times he would call when he wanted to see her... and he never calls. Now it's out of the question that he could get much more time with her because then there would be no supervision. His parents live an hour away so on his weekends he takes her up there where his parents can be there as well. Today, he didn't take her to daycare and didn't tell me she wasn't there, so I go to pick her up and her teachers tell me she's not here. He then doesn't answer his phone house or cell and it was a big mess! She was safe and he was puking (sick I suppose) but didn't tell anyone he wasn't taking her in. I don't think he was even in any condition to watch her anyways if he was puking... anyways. Yes we have been praying for him for a long time (my daughter and I) for him to understand his sin and come to love Jesus. Thanks for the earshot venting comment, I really don't say anything bad about him to her and when she cries about missing him we pray and sometimes she calls him. Yes, it's easy to vent on the phone and not pay attention to who is listening so I will pay careful attention to not do that. She has never even seen us fight (that she remembers).

Carla - posted on 11/13/2010

He left her alone? How old is she? You were right to request supervised visitation.

Women have the natural nurturing instinct men lack. They may love their children immensely, but they are single-minded, where women multi-task. I don't like to say they slip their minds, but because of their make-up, they can only focus on one thing at a time. Sometimes I think women got the better end of the deal with their multi-tasking abilities ;)

Has he requested more visitation? He he has, agree. Children need their fathers. I think that's what's wrong with the kids today, the men flow in and out of their lives. My kids haven't seen or heard from their father since 1972. Luckily, the man I married was a good dad to them and loved them dearly. But they still wanted to see their father. My oldest looked for him to attend her graduation from hs. It broke my heart to see her looking out over the crowd, but I doubt if she would have recognized him if she did see him.

Pray for your ex. Pray God touches his heart and he grows tender towards his little one. Also, resist the temptation to say anything negative about him. That is one of my great regrets, that I vented within my childrens' ear shot.

God bless, honey

Alisha - posted on 11/12/2010

@ Heather. Hmm you bring up a great point. Seeing someone everyday doesn't necessicarily mean you like them more because your case. I think that people may naturally want to love their bio-dad (if they know who they are) no matter what. I think perhaps your step-dad didn't know how to try and have a good relationship with you (I'm not sure of the details), but I guess it's who you love no matter how they treat you. Thanks for sharing that because it really helped me to see that it's not totally about how often she sees him but that they have some type of relationship. I'm also nervous for her to have step-parents because I know nothing about that and neither does her dad (both of our parents are still married). I asked God to just please send me a good husband that I can trust and have a godly relationship with! I think that godly husbands/families are totally blessings from the Lord!

Heather - posted on 11/12/2010

I guess I could share about the other side of this too. My parents were divorced growing up and my dad was an over the road truck driver. We only got to see him maybe once every other month. He never called or wrote (even when we bought him stationary). He is still (always has been, always will be) my dad. I love him so much, and just because he isn't a great dad, doesn't mean that he isn't my dad. Because he is. He is the only dad I have (my step father was horrid, and living with him and seeing him daily never made him my dad). I would have loved to see my dad more often, or to have had him call, but I made it. Maybe have your daughter call him if she want's to talk with him.

Alisha - posted on 11/12/2010

@Andrea. That is so sad that some dads never get it. They don't understand the lifelong hurt they are making by their actions or lack of them. I'm so glad your children have you though!

Alisha - posted on 11/12/2010

@ Erica Miller. He will say he wants more time with her and say he will call when he wants to take her for a few hours and NEVER calls so I'd say that's his responsibility! Plus, now that he left her alone I don't trust him alone with her, so I'm requiring supervised visits.

Erica - posted on 11/12/2010

Be glad he takes her when he does!!!!! If he wants to see her it is your responsibilty to let him, unless it is harmful to the child

Andrea - posted on 11/11/2010

No, because a real father would enjoy being with their child when they can more so when they are young so they know who he is and don't get confused.
Now, as they get older they figure out who been there.
My girls saw their dad every blue moon when he had the time which was hardly ever.
They figured it all out now, they still barely see him today and they are 23yrs.& 25yrs. now.

Alisha - posted on 11/11/2010

@ Heather. That's so heartbreaking about your children's dad, and obviously his x g/f knew he wasn't a keeper either. I dont' understand the cold hearted thing some men (and women) have towards their own children, they are just children and didn't do anything to deserve being ignored. I'm so glad your children have you, you obviously care so much about them! Hmm that's a good perspective on him being a dad because he is somewhat trying and at least he takes her that much. I guess it's not the kind of dad I had so it's weird and sad to see her go through that.

Heather - posted on 11/11/2010

If he want's to see her than yes it's a dad! I use to try to keep my boy's dad in their lives, but he wasn't interested. His girlfriend was more interested in our kids than he was. We lived in the same town and if I needed a sitter (so I could go to work) I would have to call her, and she would take our son to his house. If your daughter has a dad that wants to see her on his weekends then yes he is a dad! At least he is doing something! I haven't heard from the boys dad now in over a year... (his girlfriend left him)