Feeling guilty about having a child and not being married.

Sabrina - posted on 07/26/2009 ( 11 moms have responded )

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I don't know if anyone else can understand my situation or perhaps just give me some advice or encouragement.



I had my child out of wedlock and I cannot seem to get beyond the feeling of guilty. I feel guilty because I feel as if I have let down God for not doing what I know I should have done.



I got pregnant with my first and only child right now by my boyfriend. At that time we had only known each other for a few months when I found out about it. Thankfully God has turned this situation into a favorable one where my boyfriend and I are great together and love our daughter with all our hearts. We couldn't be happier! The only exception is for men is that we aren't married. We have talked about married and since we both have had previous marriages (I am 29 and he is 30) he doesn't want to rush into anything. He has told me that he is scared of marriage and that things might change like his previous marriage did once they wed. Since I have a relationship with God and he doesn't, I constantly carry around this feeling of guilt. I have tried to get past it but it still bothers me. He knows this but still feels we should wait a year or two. I don't know what to think or how to feel. I just know that I want to make this situation right by God and me. Thank you for listening. God bless.

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Just to reinforce what others have said, you will feel guilty until you make things right by either getting married, moving out and "dating" without sex or breaking totally up with your boyfriend. The two of you have a child together, I hardly think that you would be "rushing into" anything at this point. If this is the way your boyfriend feels, tell him you'd be happy to date him WITHOUT SEX until he feels ready to get married (while living somewhere else). This should bring him to a point of decision about whether he's serious or just using you. Guilt is God's way of letting us know we are doing something wrong. God will freely forgive and embrace you but it requires you to make the hard choice to do what is right from now on.

Oni - posted on 07/29/2009

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Dear Sabrina,

First in foremost, God is a forgiven God. He is almighty and he sees and makes all things possible. You have to put your trust in him and only him. The Lord Makes no mistakes!!!! Your union with your Boyfriend was meant and written by the Lord. Now, it's up to you and your BF to take the next steps in your relationship to ensure you provide a loving and positive whole environment for your little girl. No-one can judge you but the Lord. Only the Lord knows your hearts. This is coming from a happily married women. I live in the real world and I understand. Don't rush into marriage because it doesn't always work. Marriage is alot of work and you both must be walking the same path, wanting the same things in order for it to work. I find failing at marriage a sin in God's eyes not loving one another. So, wait until it is right for you but ensure that your child is feeling loved and that she knows your relationship with the Lord. She is a reflection of you both. I hope my input provides you some relief. You must forgive yourself because the Lord has already forgiven you. Only people sit and judge and it's not their place b/c no-one is perfect but the Lord. Many blessing to your family.

Shelly - posted on 07/26/2009

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Sabrina,

First off you need to ask God for forgiveness (repent) Second you need to change your ways if you are living with your boyfriend that needs to change one of you needs to move out...If your not living together and you still sleeping together then that needs to stop...Repenting is a wonderful thing but it consists of asking forgiveness and then turning away from your sin and if your not turning away from your old self then asking for forgiveness is a mute point...I know thats probebly don't want to hear that but if he truely Loves you then he will understand this is what you need to do and if he chooses to leave the relationship then he's not the one that the lord has choosen for you and trust me you will know...When you say he doesn't have a relationship with the Lord is he plan flat against the idea that there is a God or he's one of those thats on the fence of yea theres a God but just not for him??? What I suggest you do is ask the Lord for guidance on this and then be still and listen for the answer b/c He is faithful to answer...I will keep you in my prayers and ask the Lord to give you a clear answer....

Rebekah - posted on 07/26/2009

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First, seek God's forgiveness of your feelings of guilt. As for the marriage, God already sees you 2 as married. Go ahead and give yourselves the time your boyfriend wants, and during this time just pray and ask God for the desire of your heart. Marriage is God's will, He will open the doors for this. Prayer is the key here! :)

Marta - posted on 07/29/2009

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Just try to remember that God can take what's wrong and make it right! He's already forgiven you, you need to forgive yourself. These things happen, we have lapses in judgement but so long as we have a spirit of repentance and we take care to correct our mistakes we can be on the up and up with God again. If you love your boyfriend and he loves you and your love has come together and brought forth a child then (in my humble opinion) you two are married. Have you vowed to love eachother through it all? Have you made a promise of commitment to each other? If so, then so long as it is lawful in your province/state to have a union which is recognized without the paperwork/expense of a wedding then I would say in God's eyes you're married. My husband and I weren't married but we had conceived a child together a couple of months before our wedding and God spoke through a member of our congregation to my husband saying that we were married. That's all that I needed to be happy and to forgive myself for our lack of self-control. Just pray about it, seek council from your pastor. It used to be that a marriage union was simply a verbal agreement/promise between the man and the woman and their immediate families that the two would spend the rest of their lives together then they would go into the tent which the womans father gave them and they would consomate the union and that was good enough for God.

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Jacqui - posted on 07/29/2009

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Sabrina,

I have gone through the exact feelings as you are going through. I also had a child out of wedlock. I am no longer with him because he didn't encourage my faith. The good thing you do hav going for you is that he does encourage your faith with God. I hope it all works out for you and I will be praying for you. God Bless*

Sabrina - posted on 07/27/2009

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Thank you for all your advice and Godly wisdom as it is very much apprecited. I don't see anyone's words as harsh for they are just spoken truths of love and as Christians we are doing each other a favor by keeping us accountable. Accountability is the thing we lack in this world the most.



I have repented time and time again and it is truely myself that is holding me back. I have felt freed by God for sometime, but it is me and the enemy that keeps me in this bondage. I think the thing is, is that I knew it was wrong and I did it anyway (The act that got me my daughter). My relationship with God is very important to me and my boyfriend encourages this, as it is what he loves about me. We know our daughter will be raised in a Christian environment and we are in agreement as he is Christian too, just doesn't practice it as he should due to personally issues he needs to come to terms with, I know that I am a very lucky lady compared to others who have to live this similar issue and I shall continue to pray for my boyfriend's salvation. Thank you again!

Tabatha - posted on 07/27/2009

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Ask for God's forgiveness and then ask him to help you forgive yourself. He is able, willing and ready to forgive us... we just aren't so quick to forgive ourselves.

Heather - posted on 07/27/2009

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I want you to know that I am writing this because I wanted to share these things with you. I am not judging you, nor do I have any right to judge you. I have been where you are... This is what helped me.



I wanted to bring up a scripture just for you to think about, 2 Corinthians 6:14-18. I would encourage you to read it, then pray. Pray hard. Pray for yourself, your baby and your boyfriend. Then ask God for guidance in the way you should go. Maybe even look up James 4:17. I agree with what Anne said. You will keep feeling guilty while you are sinning. As far as having the child out of wedlock, the child is still a blessing from God. The child may have resulted from a sin, but you know what? Everyone sins. Adam and Eve started it, and they got kicked out of the garden of Eden. Talk about a sin you could see. We all make mistakes. Some are more visible then others. But God loves us anyway. He doesn't care about our past, only where we go from here. You can't change the past. Your child still needs your love, and needs you to focus on the future. Make the most of what you have. God forgives us when we turn from our sins, and he gets past them. If others can't, that is a problem between them and God. It is not your problem. You only need to worry about you, your relationship with God, and your baby!!! Here are a few more scriptures for you.

Romans 3:23
for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,

Psalm 103:12
as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

Hebrews 8:12
For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more."

Acts 3:19
Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord,

Galatians 2:6
—whatever they were makes no difference to me; God does not judge by external appearance—

So you see, if you truly have repented, then God doesn't remember it as sin. He knows that he has blessed you with a child, and that you love him. That is what is important, not how you got the child. If you have repented then you just need to forgive yourself. If you keep letting the satan make you feel guilty it is like saying that because you can see your baby that Christ's blood isn't enough to wipe away the sin that is in the past.

Anne - posted on 07/27/2009

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Hi Sabrina, First off, I want to let you know that I may ask you some hard questions. NOT to judge you!, but to allow you to think about what direction your life is going now. Also these questions are not really meant to be answered in print by you, only think about how you would answer them.

If you have asked God for forgiveness and are not repeating the sin you asked for forgiveness for than God will forgive you and you will be made whole. I know that my last statement sounds very harsh. What all of us need to remember is that each one of us sinned and fall short of the Glory of God. The main difference with our sins in that having a child and not being married is something that every one can "see" this sin. I am NOT casting any stones your way or in any way trying to diminish The Miracle that your daughter is.! All of us have an area in our lives that unless we ask God for help daily we would be separated from God because of our inability to live sinless lives. If you are living with your boyfriend, because of your relationship with GOD the Holy Spirit is convicting with Love to draw you back to God. Sabrina although I have not been in your shoes so to speak, but I have trouble with credit card spending. If I were not very careful and did not ask God to protect me from falling back into the trap of over spending and then hiding the credit card bill from my husband I would be feeling the guilt of the sin of lying to my husband.

I know these next few sentences may not be easy to read but PLEASE believe me I NOT Judging you. Because you are living with your boyfriend and you have a relationship with God until you either move out on your own, or get married you will continue to feel guilty. Really guilt is a lot like pain, if you have an injury you may be in pain until that injury heals, but once the healing is complete you will not have the pain. Although with an injury there may or may not be a "scare" and with sin there often is evidence that we have sinned.
I hope I have not come across as a mean spirited old lady.(notice all the gray hair).
Please think about your relationship with God and how important it is as a parent to show our children How to live the Christian live style. Do you have a Pastor or trusted
Christian couple that might mentor you and your boyfriend so he can see the difference between a Christian Marriage. bottom line if you have asked for forgiveness, and have changed the behavior, even though we may still feel guilty, we are not because Jesus has Paid the Price and we are free indeed.

I have 2 adult daughters, both single if you would want to talk further just send me a message and I will at least listen.
O will be Praying for you and your daughter and boyfriend.

Maria - posted on 07/26/2009

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Pray for your boyfriend's salvation! I wasn't married when I got pregnant with my first child, I was 17. We decided that we were not going to marry because of the child, so we didn't. After our son was born we went through rough patches. When our son was about 18 months old we both came to know the Lord and knew that we needed to get married to make the union complete. We knew that we loved each other and with Christ in us our marriage would work. So pray! God knows your heart and your boyfriend's and when it is time, it will be His will. Jeremiah 29:11-13 says: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

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