Julie - posted on 02/06/2010 ( 4 moms have responded )
Just thought I'd get people's opinions.
Two years ago I became a single mother after my violent, mentally ill, drug addicted husband demanded a divorce to marry one of his many mistresses.
I tried everything to save my marriage. When we married, he seemed such a gentle loving man who had given his heart to God just before we started dating (18 months before we got married).
He had a past before he became a Christian but in this day and age, nearly everyone does.
The problem is, after we got married, he started using drugs , then got fired from his job, started calling sex lines to keep himself busy during the day (refused to look for a new job), and at some point, started having affairs with both men and women.
I tried everything under the sun to help him.
Eventually when he belted our barely 5 year old daughter in the head, I insisted he go into rehab because our daughter's safety was at stake. Up until that point, I had no idea he was cheating on me, but when he was supposed to be going into rehab, he moved in with one of his mistresses instead. Of course that relationship only lasted until he started abusing her a few months later and he asked for another chance and I gave it to him - on the condition that even though we were together, he couldn't move back in until he was off the drugs that were making him violent and he was back on the medication he desperately needs to stop the paranoid delusions that trigger violent psychotic episodes.
But it only took a month before I discovered he'd been having an affair with one of my "best" friends for a very long time and hadn't ended it.
Because we hadn't been back together for a full three months, legally he could demand a divorce only a few months later (for the non-aussies here, the only thing that has to happen for someone to get a divorce is a 12 month seperation, "no fault" divorce laws).
I tried everything to save my marriage - my former friend had only got him to have sex with her by constantly getting him smashed off his face on drugs, pushing him to use drugs and ironically using his paranoid delusions to convince him that he didn't need his psych meds - convincing him it was some scheme for me and doctors to control him if the tooks his meds.
Even in court, I tried to raise the point that he is severely mentally ill and not legally competent to make legal decisions such as a divorce but the magistrate just said according to her, he's not in hospital, he can't be that mentally unwell (I trained in psychology before swapping to nursing and very well trained in mental health issues - and I know that there are many people out there very psychotic, living in the community - saying he wasn't in hospital is no judgement of his mental state).
After he got his divorce, that was the end though. By doing everything can to save my marriage, I have done nothing wrong by being a divorcee.
The problem is, now I've had time to heal from the years of abuse, I'm more than ready to date again, but guys who call themselves christian treat me like utter dirt.
I'd literally say 99% of the "christian" guys I've spoke to, have made it very clear, since I'm not a virgin, that if I don't have sex with them, they aren't interested in dating. Pointing out to them that I've never had sex outside of marriage and I'm not about to now - and if they were genuine christians, they wouldn't be demanding it - is entirely useless. They think being a single mother makes me a slut and even pointing out that I've never had sex outside of marriage doesn't change their opinion.
Of the other guys that are left, I'd say the number of men I've met in the last few years of being single again, who would date a single mother and not demand sex, I could count on one hand.
In fact, I can sum them up - two men who said they wouldn't date any woman who was bigger than a size 8 (that's a US size 4). One of them was a single dad of five kids who was 13 years older than me, who was quite overweight himself. It was sad that I had no problem with him, but he stopped even being friends based purely on the fac that I'm not skinny.
Two men were severely disabled, living with their parents (and will probably do so until they die) and unable to ever work. Both physically disabled, but one also had a severe mental disability which he tried to hide initially. Both are nice guys and we've stayed friends but as I already have a special needs child and would like to meet someone to have a family. There is no way I could care for a disabled man as well as my daughter - and to think of having kids and then knowing I would have to put them in childcare straight away as I'd have to work to support everone... even if either of these guys had the slightest bit in common with me, it would have been impossible. Even ignoring their disabilities, neither of them are very committed christians and I believe being "unequally yoked" not only applies to not dating non believers, but also considering men who rarely go to church and other signs that their faith is unimportant.
And of course, there is one wondeful guy who is everything I am looking for in a man - both as a christian and other things like shared values, shared interests etc - and he happens to be moving away a great distance and isn't up for long distance dating.
There is another type of guy I've left out - the type my church seems to be made up of - the guys who think they are "better" than divorcees and single mothers. Some of them whom are not virgins themselves, having had sex outside of marriage, but think it's ok to condemn women who have never had sex outside of marriage as if being divorced and/or single mother makes someone a huge "sinner".
And a lot of "christian" men seem to have this attitude. I've tried meeting guys online, and I've had a few be incredibly nasty, calling me all sorts of terrible names for daring to think that a "nice" christian guy like them would be interested in dating a single mother.
So basically my question is, how do I meet a decent christian guy? Sure there are "christian" guys who will date single mothers, but apparently only if they "put out".
I'm 30 this year, I wanted a big family, as it is, even if I met a nice christian man tomorrow and got marrried, I'd be lucky to have one or two more children before I'm too old.
To be honest, I'd just be happy to find a nice genuine christian man. I still have to deal with my abusive ex husband using the family court system to abuse my daughter and I - and the police doing nothing to enforce a DVO I have against him. And his "friends" and family and several of his various sex partners, love to carry out his harassment for him - and the police claim without physical violence, they can't do a thing (I know this isn't true, but complaining just makes them even more ignore enforcing restraining orders).
As well as this, my own parents are violent abusers who also use the family court system and grandparental "rights" to abuse me through my daughter (who is now 8). They haven't physically abused me for over a year now, but they love to rub it in at every opportunity that they can use do as they please and the police will do nothing.
I'd love to move away but we are stuck here due to family court orders and medical access.
I do know though, merely having a man in my life they even think is a boyfriend is enough for the lot of them to back off. Most abusers are cowards and they are definitely that.
But that's not why I am looking for someone - I could merely pretend to have a boyfriend to get them to back off.
But I would dearly like to give my daughter the family, both her and I, long for. I have so much love to give the right man and am a very dedicated and loving wife (my ex husband's only problem with me is because I didn't want him using drugs and beating me).
Just how do I find a man who doesn't judge me for being a single mother and either demands sex before marriage or refuses to date me for simply being a single mother?
I didn't ask to be in this situation, I was the best wife anyone could ask for and am tired of being alone because I have morals.