Friends growing apart

Chaya - posted on 08/03/2012

on't loose contact with them entirely. If you have indoor hobbies, perhaps you could arrange a knitting or quilting circle. If you know how to do something and they want to learn, or can do it, you could make projects for babies or homeless people.
I can't relate to conservative people, but my when I'm hanging with friends who are, we do service projects, so our discussions don't get real deep.

Equasta - posted on 08/02/2012

Its happened to me several times. Its hurts, and its hard to accept. But you have to know that God allowed it, and it is for a reason,. You cant hold on to people who arent holding on to you. Sometimes God is preparing to bring a new person into your life and it has to be clear of jelously, and other unnecessary ties before he can and you to accept them. You can still love them, pray for them, and talk to them when you can and when they contact you, but just take it in stride and accept things and people for who they are and where they are. If it bothers you a lot, address it with them, no need in you being offended and bottling it up inside. Give them the opportunity to understand your feelings, and it may open a new door to a new evolved and more transparent friendship because you seem less guarded as well. If they dont change actions or do anything to make ammends in th friendship, respect that, give it to God in prayer and pray for acceptance and move on. God has brought me special friends for the ones I lost or gre apart and I am thankful. Sometimes people have a season, and when its up, its up. Others will last a lifetime. I pray that God brings you peace in this and way to handle it with grace. I also pray for friendship restoration with whoever he designates. Be open, willing to meet new people becuase sometimes change is good! :-) Be blessed

Michelle - posted on 08/01/2012

It sure is comforting Shelly-Ann. I very often feel crazy. I have so few people I can relate to or that can relate to me.

Shelley-Ann - posted on 07/31/2012

Hi Michelle: Isn't it comforting knowing that we're not alone or crazy? I used to think that I was crazy to feel the way I felt. Who knew I was so normal? lol. I couldn't agree with you more, about the way motherhood can change you. Friends can be expensive when they want to shop, go to the movies etc. and I often have other priorities for my funds too. Maybe I will drop you a line some time. Thank you for the offer.

Michelle - posted on 07/30/2012

I can relate to you very much! Before I had my boys I had lots of friends and I worked full time until shortly after my first son was born. I worked on the weekend for about 3 1/2 years than took a volunteer layoff when I was expecting my second son. When I worked they was always people to talk to and places to go. I can even remember telling my cousin and one of my best friends at the time after I found out I was pregnant with my first son "nothing will change we will still do stuff and get together". She didn't believe me and rightfully so, I think we have got together once since and that has been over 11 years ago. One of my problems is money. I even told someone a while back that I can't afford to have friends. I figured this would sound crazy to her but she actually understood what I ment. The thing is when women get together all they want to do is shop, go out to eat somewhere expensive, movies, talk about what they have bought. We live on a very tight budget and frankly I'm just not that interested in things like that anymore. Motherhood has changed me soo much! I feel like there is no one I can relate to anymore. Too bad we don't live close to each other, sound like you and I have some things in common. You can contact me if you want to talk though.

Shelley-Ann - posted on 07/11/2012

Hi Patricia: Yes, I was hurt about the friendship hitting the slumps because in the case of my friend being in the country, I saw her from a distance (two cars going in the opposite direction) and we did connect that day and do the whole "hey, you're in the country" thing. The issue was that we'd had email contact at least twice during the time she was here and she didn't say anything about being in the country. When I saw her I was in shock, thinking I'd seen a body double or something, until we made contact and I realized it really was her. There are other things, many other things that are all too exhausting to revisit.

I wondered why she'd stopped sharing. For me it was about feeling like she lost trust in me and stopped confiding in me. We used to share a lot, even though we didn't interact often. Now, even when we interact we don't share. Well, at least she didn't in the past. I wondered for a long time what I did to cause it, but it seems that it really is just the distance and the complications of life. You are right, things change as we grow older. Sometimes, however, we don't recognize those changes and we try to hold on to things the way they were not realizing this always leads to distress. That's what I was doing. It took a bout of frustration and a few posts on circle of moms to see that. :)

As for my other friend, well, that's a long and interesting story. Those issues aren't about change and losing interest. That was more about respect. My personal issues clouded my judgment and I didn't see how other people was treating me for a long time. In this case it was a long history of disregard and lack of concern. Even though she would probably still say we're great friends, I don't think we ever really were. As I become more confident in who I am, I realize that I don't appreciate the things she said (and says) and I don't like her attitude toward me... and I don't have to put up with it just because she says she's my friend. It is true, we're not in highschool anymore and I'm no longer an insecure teenager trying to fit in.

Patricia - posted on 07/11/2012

Life brings about a change and we grow in different directions. It seems as if you are hurt about losing the friendship however it's not lost it just has no common ground. Being a friend we accept people for who they are and keep it moving. When you saw your friend you could have said oh I didn't know you were back in the country and you have a baby wow we have really lost touch. Next time your back in the country lets do lunch if you have time and laugh.

You sound like you have a lifestyle that works for you however every now and then you wonder how your girls are doing so call them and when the conversation is getting dead say well it was good to hear from you we'll probably touch basis within a year to see how things are going. Now you've connected and nobody's wondering everything is in the air.

My friends know when I want to be bothered I come out and when I don't I relax in the house. My girlfriend says I live in the witness protection program because I am near no one. So to be a friend we must show ourselves friendly. They know you don't tear the roof off and that hasn't stopped them from speaking it is just awkward because you all have nothing in common.

My best buddy is a mover and shaker in the finance world. I am not we talk via text, or every blue moon but if I need her she's got my back that is a friend. They do not have to see you or talk to you everyday to be your friend. We are not in high school or college we are adults living our complicated lives of activities, home and work. It's called change

Shelley-Ann - posted on 07/11/2012

Hi everyone. I've been away from the computer for a few days so I've only just read the recent posts from Angela, Julie1123, Carla and Ashley. I'm so very glad I decided to post my thoughts and feelings because I might have gone on thinking that something was wrong with me for feeling the way I did. It's really encouraging to know that this is not something strange that was happening to me alone, but something that happens to others, and quite frequently too. Until I spoke my mind here, it really never occurred to me that I could be happy doing what I wanted instead of trying to fit into a group or with friends that made me uncomfortable and distressed. Now I realize that much of the effort isn't worth it. It isn't that friends aren't important, but as some of you have pointed out, as Christians our priority is really Jesus first and others after.

It is nice spending time with friends, and when I think about it I do have other friends who think more like I do and who are are more comforting to be around. My attention was clearly in the wrong place.

After having said that, there's an update with my friend in the US. I emailed her because I kind of chickened out in calling directly (excuse was that I was busy... :) ). She called instead of returning the email, and we spoke for a while. We didn't deal with the issues directly, but it's a start. We probably won't be emailing each other every day or calling everyday, but there is certainly a better relationship in our future (if any at all). And I'm ok with that.

My other friend who is in the same country as me, well, that is definitely one to walk away from. And I'm ok with that too.

Thank you ladies for sharing. I really appreciate the feedback.

Ashley - posted on 07/09/2012

Well nearly the same thing happened to me not so long ago, actually about 2 months ago. i had some friends from college that stuck around, one in particular, that i used to be close to. I love spending time with friends but like you am very content spending my weekends with my family. anyway carla was the group head (i guess you could say) with new and old friends coming and going around her. which was fine i knew all the people anyway. anyway my hubby never really cared for any of them that much, thought they were all stuck in college mode perpetually but he made an effort anyway. after a while i just kept feeling more and more distant from carla and the group as a whole, they liekd to party and play board games ALL THE TIME which is fine but at somepoint i wanted to have grown up conversations yeah know? i would see on facebook that everyone would get together and not invite us etc. etc. so finally i see on fb that carla had invited anther girl to a party for her hubby and assumed i was invited too. then i get a call from her hubby saying that my hubby wasn't invited because a guy that was closer to her hubby had a problem with my hubby and they didn't want it to ruin his party. at that point i asked her about it and she was like well i didn't want you to find out about the party anyway. wow, ok so at that point i knew i had to cut tyes. i had been going back and forth for over 2 years struggling with this friendship trying to hold on, but after a while you have to ask yourself is it worth it, i was stressed about the friendships and i was miserable and awkward whenever i was around the whole group and like you said felt like the odd man out constantly. finally i told her that i was cutting ties and wished her every happiness in life and never looked back! it sounds like this might be a good option for you to consider. right now i have no close friends but you know what i am happier now than i was with the old friends i had. i'll find new friends again and so will you.

Carla - posted on 07/09/2012

@Julie1123--I understand as well. I am a throw-back, dinosaur, if you will, from my generation. I always enjoyed crafting, classical music, and my family. I don't like the gossip and back-biting, the two-faced-ness of people, Christian or not. I didn't fit well with Christians, because I didn't think my relationship with Jesus had anything to do with the outside man, that God looks on the inside. I enjoyed housework--I would have been better suited to the Beaver Cleaver generation than to the modern woman generation.

Bottom line is, if Jesus is happy with me, and my husband, it is enough. I've had friends, been very hurt and disillusioned, so living without them is easier, emotionally-speaking. I enjoy my grandchildren and am always there to help someone if they need me :)

God bless, sweetheart

Julie1123 - posted on 07/09/2012

I feel very much like the OP, Shelley, in that I feel like my friend circle has shrunk because I have not really invested time in them. We chat a little when we see each other, but like you, I feel like I'd rather be alone with books or doing my own thing. I don't know if that is my introverted personality or me being selfish. I guess it's too exhausting trying to please friends. I used to feel left out of the church mommy group when my kids were younger, because of my quiet personality.

It wasn't so much Christian or non-Christian, it was just that I felt like when I got together with the group, instead of really wanting to talk about deep issues and things that were bothering me, like a support group, they all wanted to gossip and talk about other people. I had a difficult childhood, divorced parents, abuse, etc., but they didn't want to listen to my problems, I guess I was a Debbie Downer. Now, I only have 2 or 3 friends I talk to once in a while or chat on Facebook with. Plus, I have weird nerdy interests, like creative writing, that my old friends didn't relate to. When I talk about the stories I like to write, they look at me like I have three heads. My old mommy-group friends are into scrapbooking, which I think is more boring and tedious than anything.

The most painful incident of my old friends distancing themselves from me is one woman who I had a lot in common with, she was also into writing, nature, the arts, etc., and our daughters are still best friends. But she had a falling out with me because my husband started a business that competes with her husband's business. It had nothing to do with me, and that hurt.

Sometimes I don't know if I am happier just being more reclusive, not doing things with friends very often, or if I miss it. I do miss some of the conversations with my old friends, but I feel like it is not worth the pain of making new friends only to have them drift away just like my old friends did.

Angela - posted on 07/07/2012

I feel I could have written your post, Shelley-Ann. I moved to a new area to be with my boyfriend and got a new job in this area and joined a new Church here as well. We got married and I've been here for nearly 5 years. I'm happy and have never regretted it. However, I hardly ever see friends. I visit my old home town (over 20 miles away) regularly to see my grown-up children and occasionally see old friends. We don't have much in common these days.

I have new friends but they're colleagues and don't see much of them outside work. I've never been one for going out drinking, visiting pubs etc ... I don't mind parties once in a while - but not very often.

I love reading, spending time with my husband, listening to music, being creative & making things, shopping (for pleasure I mean - NOT for groceries, LOL!!). Also like learning & studying.

Friends are good to have but I doubt many of us, if we're really honest, have friends that we can relate to 100%. Everyone's unique and I don't think there's anyone else in the world quite like ME!

I think my best (earthly, human) friend is probably my husband.

Think about this and take some stock .... If I'm really honest, I think I'm happier this way. It may be selfish but I seemed to spend an awful lot of time, money, energy and effort years ago doing stuff to keep friends happy and remain their friend. Nowadays I'm content, I do my own thing and pretty much enjoy my life! My only complaint is that my job leaves me exhausted sometimes - but yes, I love my job as well!

If you need to friend to share things with - the good times and the bad, you have our Saviour who is there for you through thick & thin. You also have your husband or partner (assuming you have a "significant other" and your relationship is good). Beyond that, how necessary is it to have a friend?

I appreciate that many of us (myself included) tend to try and cultivate friendships with people we feel are going to be useful to us. Now this may be a worldly and selfish attitude but it's one that lots of people have. On the same track, many of us try to BE that kind of friend - but it doesn't always work. I've tried to be that kind of friend and then been let down and it's not a good feeling. Sometimes we need to grow a thicker skin and stick to the fundamentals.

Hope you're feeling better now anyway. Good luck and every blessing to you!

Shelley-Ann - posted on 07/05/2012

Hindsight is indeed 20/20. I guess when we say things out loud they sound very different from when they're just in our heads. Since I decided to deal with this, I'm feeling a lot better. Perhaps I just needed to start speaking up for myself and not keep things bottled up. I chickened out on calling my friend, so I sent her an email instead. I figured I would at least be able to say what I wanted to say. She hasn't responded yet, but, like I said, I think it was more important to make a decision to do something about the situation. It doesn't matter which way things go. If we rekindle the friendship, I'll be happy. If not, at least I know that I made a half step toward being honest about my feelings and taking care of myself in that way. Ellen mentioned "like-mindedness", which I think is a key factor here. I'm not sure my friend and I are like-minded anymore.

Thank you all for your insights and your prayers. You have been a blessing.

Ellen - posted on 07/03/2012

Hello Shelley-Ann. As Carla said, I don't think this is real unusual. I do have a best friend, actually 2, they are sisters, whom I grew up next door and have known and been friends with for 50 years. When we were younger and raising our children, we talked for "hours" every day. But in the last 10 years, we have grown apart. She works full time and I started to work also. It really cut into our friendship, but I know that she would bend over backwards if I called her, and I was in trouble. The other sister lives in another state. I have other friends, but most of these friends are from my church, now. Do you go to church? You can make some wonderful friends there, with like-mindedness, which is very helpful when you need a "true friend". I was never much of a joiner/drinker/partier when I was younger either.

I was more content like you to read a book, or be outside in nature. But I do believe that we need Christian fellowship with other believers. It's hard for me, in my case, because my husband is not a believer, so when I go to church functions, I have to go alone.

Again, as Carla said, you are never alone, God is your best friend. He is there for you.

You sound very wise, pray and ask God what he is wanting you to do in the situation with your friend. He will not steer you wrong.

God bless.

Carla - posted on 07/02/2012

I would mark your post 'funny', Shelley-Ann, but I didn't want to offend you. I have shared here before where I'll be giving advice to someone, and, in the middle of it I think 'hey! Listen to what you're saying here!', and I preach myself a good sermon ;)

Hind sight is always 20/20. Maybe you have one more chance to fix things. Never know. Besides, she may be needing Jesus, if she's going through the stuff you say she is. Be gentle, loving, share the Jesus of Love, not the God of fire and brimstone. I am sure people respond to the Gentle Jesus much better than fear of being beat over the head if you mess up.

God bless, sweetheart! Let us know how it goes.

Shelley-Ann - posted on 07/02/2012

After making my last post, it occurred to me that if my friend were to read this she'd probably be offended by it. In all fairness to her (the one living in another country from me), I've never told her how I felt. In fact, I haven't told either one of my friends anything so I haven't given them the opportunity to respond. I suppose I shied away from it because I would rather not deal with the unpleasant situation. We've both changed and I think we just grew apart and I'm no longer the person she confides in. Even when she's in my country and I know she's here, we don't spend much time together because either I'm working or attending to family stuff, or she's busy. Maybe neither of us are making much of an effort anymore. I know I've stopped making as much of an effort since I got married and had kids. My excuse is that so much is happening with me that I'm often exhausted and emotionally drained.

Sometimes I wish I was the type of person who would deal with things immediately because everytime I say, "This is a little thing, I'll let it slide" it ends up coming back to my thoughts long after opportunities have passed to bring it up. Then, when time has passed it seems like I'm nit-picking if I bring it up. Life would be so much simpler if we could just tell each other how we feel, when we're hurt, immediately. That way we could deal with it and move on instead of tucking the pain away neatly into labled boxes: "From High School." "From My Best Friend" "From my Husband" "From my Parents"

Like any relationship, there are ups and downs. Who makes the first move to mend a relationship when things go wrong or feelings are hurt? I'm trying to understand her side of it because I've read enough to know that my side isn't the only side. She's had a rough time in the past few years, many life changing experiences and the physical distance between us has made things more difficult. I believe if we were still in the same country we would have been much closer. Maybe I need to take more responsibility for the friendship. Maybe she needs me to ask, and show more concern.

Shelley-Ann - posted on 07/01/2012

Thank you for the responses. I do feel a little better knowing that I'm not the only one who has experienced this kind of thing. I'm just getting to the point where, like Carla, I'm learning that as long as God and my husband are happy with me, then I'm on the right track. My husband tries to cheer me up when I talk about losing my friends because he sees the way they treat me and says that I don't need that kind of friendship. He usually asks me what it is I feel I'm missing, and I honestly don't have an answer. But it's a great question because I don't think I'm missing anything, really. I guess I'm now learning to be happy with "me" too.



For a long time I was hung up on feeling "different". I've always been a spiritual person, although not particularly the church going kind. I read my Bible, pray, have devotions with my kids and try to share my love of God with them. I don't talk "Jesus" often, but I try to live the way I believe He would want me to live. I think behavior speaks louder than words. It's ironic that many of the kids I grew up with were pastor's kids and I was never quite on the same page as they were. When we were kids I was the outsider because I didn't go to church as often as they did. Now that we're adults, I'm still the outsider because I don't like the things of the world like they do. Oh well.



Shelley-Ann



P.S. Hi Amanda, I live in the Caribbean.

Cyndel - posted on 07/01/2012

at 16 I lost ALL of my friends because i was to "obsessed" with boys. I didn't date, I didn't kiss, sheesh I didn't even hold hands of any of the boys I liked because no one ever became interested in me until I was 18 (Then I had 3 in a row, I quickly discarded the first 2 and married the 3rd...almost 6 years now.) but because I talked about guys all the time and that was 'wrong' to be interested in guys before I was ready to walk down the isle we believe their parents discouraged them playing with me and I ended up shunned and severely depressed, It took years for me to start making friends by that point I was so starved for friendship that I nearly suffocated my friends. It has been hard buy I'm learning a balance.

But I say walk away, work a little on finding friends who will take on half the responsibility to carry the friendship.

Carla - posted on 07/01/2012

Ladies, don't lament. When we live a Christian life, friends drop away from us like we had the plague. Jesus told us this would happen. It isn't US, it's Jesus IN US, that is their problem. I have had several VERY traumatic events happen in my life, terrible hurts through so-called friends, even those who sat next to me in church every Sunday. I came to the conclusion that, as long as God and my husband were happy with me, it was enough. We are close to our daughter and her husband, but other than them, we live a solitary existence. We help in the neighborhood whenever possible, are a friend to our neighbors and are friendly to everyone, but I will NOT get close to a woman again. Somehow Satan takes these relationships and causes problems.

I know I haven't been very encouraging, except to let you know you are not alone, but if we have Jesus in our hearts, we ARE never alone.

God bless, dears

Amanda - posted on 07/01/2012

Shelley-Ann,
While I don't feel I am quite as reclusive as you are, I really only have one female friend. She and I have been friends for probably 15 years, but after our last visit, who really knows what will happen next with that! Anyway, I also feel lonely and out of touch. To be honest, Facebook seems to be making it worse instead of better. I mostly get on there just to play some games when I have down time. I have plenty of hurt feelings about the interactions between myself and some 'friends', and like you, I am trying to decide what to do about it. I don't really want to make it a big deal, so at this time I have decided to say nothing and just move forward.

May I ask where you live?
Amanda