Shelley-Ann - posted on 06/30/2012 ( 20 moms have responded )
Writing this post is very difficult for me because I'm a very conservative and reserved person. This is far more public than I'm used to, but I really need to share these feelings. I'm writing not so much because I want advice, but just to know that I'm not the only person who's been through this. I've grown apart from all of my friends and I find myself wondering what to do. Should I make an effort to rekindle friendships or just move on?
You see, I'm one of those people who'd much rather curl up with a book, or watch a movie at home with my husband and kids than go out with friends, so I think my friends just moved on without me. Most of the ladies I know, married or otherwise, find great comfort in bashing men or lamenting bad relationships. My husband and I have a great relationship and I don't partake in bashing anybody. I've always been the odd one out, in high school and college, not caring to wear the latest fashion or go clubbing. In other words, I was considered the boring friend who didn't go to parties. I still don't like parties.
Anyway, my best friend from high school hardly keeps in touch anymore and yet feels slighted when my husband didn't invite her to a surprise party he threw for me for my last birthday. We hadn't spoken in years (other than the trite greetings at major holidays that pop up on Facebook from time to time.) Then she called out of the blue a couple weeks after my birthday saying that she'd lost my number and just found it back, and happened to mention that she heard about the party. I tried hanging on to her friendship but I stopped being comfortable in her company because what I like is too boring for her, and she makes it quite clear to me. Even talking to her over the phone became an issue when she started saying things like "what else do we have to talk about?" in the middle of a conversation as if I was boring her and she had better things to do.
My other 'close' female friend hasn't shared her life with me for a while now. Her life is complicated and I know very little of it. She lives in another country and sometimes visits home and doesn't tell me. I bumped into her once and thought "hey, you're in the country and didn't tell me!" But I said nothing to her because that was another thing in a long list of things she doesn't tell me. She got pregnant and didn't tell me. The child is nearly two and she's never said who the father is. The thing is, I don't ask personal questions because I figure if she'd wanted to tell me she would have. But it makes me wonder why she hasn't told me.
I live my life quietly, in a very unassuming way sticking to myself and a very small circle, and I'm happy with my life the way it is. Sometimes, however, when I find out things about my friends that they keep from me or things slip in conversations and I realize that I'm out of the loop, I wonder about my so called friendships. They all say "best friend" as if it's a long lasting bubble gum. Even that runs out of flavor after a while.
But what exactly am I lamenting here? I don't know. Perhaps I wish I had the courage to stop pretending that we're such great friends when we're not anymore. They have moved on to lives I'm not involved in, interests that I don't share, and values that are inconsistent with mine. If I don't ask, they don't tell, and it's not my habit to ask.