Friends... how to find good, close christian friends

Julie - posted on 12/17/2010 ( 19 moms have responded )

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Hi, I'm just looking for advice on how to make some good christian friends.

I have been to my local church on and off for 30 years. Sadly, most of the people my age are shallow, rude and make me ashamed to be a christian while they claim that label.

There are a few exceptions, Some are decent people, but the short version is they are busy people and aren't looking to become close friends with anyone outside of their existing group and after years of trying to become close friends with them, I quit.

I have had some other christian friends who don't go to church, but in the end, it turns out every single one has had a reason they don't go to church. There are a few acceptable reasons - like my longest friend (of 25 years) who has serious health problems, but most have shown they really aren't christians and are not only poor examples of "christian" behaviour, but poor examples of human behaviour.

I have non christian friends, some of whom are great people, but they don't understand my life choices - why I don't have sex outside of marriage, why I go to church, why I tithe etc etc. My best friend is a wonderful great person, but it can be hard when she doesn't understand the biggest part of my life (my faith and the choices it leads to). Oh and it doesn't help that my best friend and many of my other closest friends live in another state, thousands of kilometres away.

I've been to other local churches, but there seems to be a huge lack of people roughly my age, and there also seems to be a lot of trouble with nastiness and bullying too.

I've recently started going to a church that isn't so nearby that has a few people who I've started to build friendships with, but it's hard when I can't go every week (I have health problems so have only been going to church about once a fortnight for the last 6 months) and in real life, I'm painfully shy and find it hard to first talk people, and then because of the terrible experiences I've had with so called "friends" in the past, even when I can talk to people, I find it hard to open up to them and even harder to trust them.

and it doesn't help that my daughter has autistic spectrum disorder (aspergers) and can be hard to manage at times and has a habit of alienating people who don't understand ASD.

I'm tired of "christians" who judge me for being a single mother because my violent husband demanded a divorce to marry one of his many mistresses after years of bashing me and eventually turning on our young daughter. I'm tired of "christians" who judge me by my looks - yes I'm overweight, it's caused by two medical conditions I have. I'm tired of those who judge me for not attending church rigidly every week, and only going to night services and not morning services, because that's all my health will allow. I'm tired of those who judge me for not having a spotless house and ignore the fact that I have serious injuries, I work in a physically demanding job because I'm in a mountain of debt my ex left me with and it's taken nearly four years to start getting a meagre amount of child support that doesn't even cover 10% of my daughter's normal expenses (and even less when you count that it costs me a fortune to send her to a christian school, and her extra expenses like counselling for her ASD). And those who judge me for my daughter's autistic behaviours.

I'm tired of all the shallow people in my life and it bothers me that the worst "friends" in my life are ones who call themselves christians usually. And it's so hard when my two best friends, one is sick and has become a total recluse and doesn't take calls or visits except on rare occasions, and the other is 2000km away.

I've joined all the groups for christian women that my health allows me to get to. Other than morning bible studies which I can't get to, there really isn't anything else. i've signed up for other groups, but often don't get the invite to events until after the events have finished. I do realise that it's just the slack attitude the church I've gone to most of my life has - they get wrapped so wrapped in chasing new people, that old ones often get accidently left out. I tried for years to get invites out to people that the organisers had forgotten, but now that I'm too sick to go every week to church there, I often don't get told til too late to go. There really isn't anywhere else in the area that has anything on for women under retirement age.

I don't know what else to do. I've had some really bad experiences with friends, particularly christian friends, and being a disabled single mother who is constantly sick and has a child with autism, I could really do with some support. I have all I could hope for in online support, but how do I meet decent people IRL?

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Dlj - posted on 10/07/2012

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Hi,



I can relate to what you are dealing with and if you need a christian friend I am available for encouragement. If you want to contact me I can be reached at frtbrwn@yahoo.com

Cheryl - posted on 12/31/2010

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It seems that you just want someone to talk to and to encourage you in all of your situations that you're dealing with. Stop looking so hard and just try to pray and Ask God to help you find that friend that you need so bad. Look at others situation and know that yours could be worse. God loves you and He will give you what you need

Shellyann - posted on 12/26/2010

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Hey Julie,
I'm sorry you're finding it so hard to find a friend that you can truly feel comfortable enough with to have them over to your house and not wonder if they are going to talk about you soon as they leave your home. I don't want to sound like I'm being cold hearted because that is not me at all cause anyone knows me will tell you that I would give you my last dollar if you need it. But I had to learn the hard way that when you think people got your back and will stand with you no matter what it's not always that way. Do I have friends? Yes I do quite a few but there's only a select few that I would trust to have in my home. You see sometimes in life no matter what we do or how good we are to others it's not always the same for people like us who take the word of GOD to heart and when it say to treat others the way we would like to be treated. Going to church is fun, it's great and it could also be cold and like Amy said I love the church that I go to but there are some things that can be improved on. There are two thing we all must realize is that 1: no one is perfect not even me and we are all just trying to live the way Christ wants us to, we are filled with HIS spirit but we also fight with our flesh daly to do what is right. 2: we have to realize that we are the church of Christ and the buildings that we go to worship and give honor to God in is just that BUILDINGS. Yes we know that our Father wants His children to come together and fellowship one with another and we do it because it's the right thing to do, but the thing that we don't do is love each other without judging each other. We love on one side and judge on the other NOT right at all. Going from church to church to find the perfect one good luck with that and when you find one let me know. I would love to be your friend even though we live thousands of miles apart from each other I know it's not the same as having someone that you can go out to the park, movie or to dinner with but I'm hear for you when ever you feel like venting you can inbox me when you feel like it. Remember this one thing that JESUS himself was loved by many and hated by many He was talked about beaten and killed doing the right thing He was doing the work of his father. Keep talking to the FATHER and HE would send the right people to be there for you and your daughter.

Carla - posted on 12/21/2010

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@Jen--I am blushing! I think God has ordained this community so we can reach out to each other and be a blessing, one that we never would have had without the internet. Anytime ANYONE has a problem, or question, or want to do Bible study, I'm up for it as well! As one of the 'elder women' it is my responsibility to impart my knowledge (which, by the way, it usually 'DON'T do this!' lol) I have learned the hard way that giving yourself over totally to the One Who made us and letting Him have His way in my life is the easiest way to go! Oh, how I wish I had been wise enough to figure that out YEARS ago!

My hope for this Christmas Season is that we all draw close to Him and encourage others to do the same. We have a perfect vehicle for that in this community, let's vow to use it! Let's encourage those who are down, gently teach in love, as a mother does her child. Let us be, like Paul said, tenderhearted, kind and show the world what a Christian is REALLY about!

God bless, my sweeties!

Rebekah - posted on 12/18/2010

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Oh darn! I was hoping you were going to say Michigan!! :D Well, my heart breaks for you. Unfortunately churches have the same problem every where... all I can tell you is that God gives you the desire of your heart. Pray and ask Him to bring the right friends into your life. :)

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19 Comments

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Yesenia - posted on 02/11/2011

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Hey what about skyping, My 2 best friends live stateside and we have always lived far away but are able to keep our friendship strong through emails phone calls and skpe. We set up skpye dates and we have loads of fun. When I do get to visit stateside I visit them both.Have bible study and tea when you skype..I ama military wife so Ihave been away from the states for a long time but our friendship is realy strong no matter the distance

Amy - posted on 12/21/2010

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Julie, I am so very sorry you have to go9 through this. I do not drive at all. I am visually impaired legally blind. I have some other health problems as well. I do go to church everywee. I love our church but they have their faults as well. But a lot of churches people do not have love. What ever happend to love your neighbor as yourself. It is too easy to judge one another. It sucks big time. My husband has health problems too and can not do day services. I am 43 and I live in West Reading PA USA. We could become friends wish you lived around here. God bless you. Jesus loves you and so do I.

Carla - posted on 12/21/2010

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@Jen--okay, sweetie, you played me up well, your check is in the mail ;) God bless, darlin, you are such a wonderful friend!

Jennifer - posted on 12/21/2010

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All of my good close (as in relationship wise) christian friends live far away from me. One friend lives in NC and we have Bible Study together as she is a "baby" christian and anotheg inr friend lives in OR while I live in CA. Two of my best friends are in ID but I still manage to pray and study with them. there is NOTHING like being in the Word. Miss Carla Allaire is one of the most wonderful sweet and kind women you could ever hope to council with as well as Stephanie Jo Davis. Both I met on COM. And I am ALWAYS up for prayer or study as well... Feel free to message me anytime. This is my best source for christian women. ~Jen

Linda - posted on 12/18/2010

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Julie, I'm sorry you've had such a hard time with so-called Christians in churches. You definitely need to find a new church. There should be no judging people on trivial things like messy houses or weight. There should not be "cool" people in churches.

I have always found that the best way to find a friend is to be one. Prov.18:24 says that a man who has friends must himself be friendly. Is there a way you can reach out and help other women? I realize that many things may be difficult because of your disability, but surely there is something you can do. Our pastor's wife has the gift of encouragement and sends lovely short encouraging notes. Prayer is also a gift you could offer. Do you knit or crochet? Maybe there are women who need advice on raising children with a disability? Pray about where God can use you and pray about a friend. He will answer!

Carla - posted on 12/18/2010

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I don't know if it makes me feel better or worse, knowing that the churches are the same, no matter where you are in the world. You are a tad bit far for us to have a cup of tea, but we are always here, just finger clicks away, Julie!

Julie - posted on 12/18/2010

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Thanks Carla. Sometimes prayer is all you can do, and leave the rest up to God. It's hard though to sit and wait for God to act when the urge to take my action myself is there. But it's what must be done.

Rebekah, Qld, Australia.

Carla - posted on 12/18/2010

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Julie, my heart aches for you, and I totally understand what you are going through. I actually started writing a response to this post last night, but it was so negative that it wouldn't have done you any good anyway ;)

Something insidious has happened in our churches. True Christian behavior has been replaced with cliques and gossip. Like I have posted before, I was driving 21/2-3 hours one way to find a church where Jesus was practiced. What a sad commentary on our churches today.

A couple women and I have started praying for Christians on Sundays. Praying for people to be saved that are in the world, but also for people who proclaim Christ to BECOME Christ-like! We are the only Jesus the world may ever see, and what kind of a testimony are we giving out? So, if you want this type of church, join us on Sundays for praying for our churches. We can't physically change peoples' behaviors, but we can pray that the Holy Spirit sweep in and do some major housecleaning! Pray that He convict those that read His Word, then immediately forget what they read, or pass it on to Sister Susie, who REALLY needs it ;) Pray that pastors stand up and preach Truth, instead of being so concerned about numbers and tithes coming in that they water down the Word until it is meaningless. Pray that the True Spirit of the early Church come into our congregations, and we find the compassion that has been lost in favor of making oneself look better. Pray that the Love of Christ so permeate the place that love, compassion, kindness just naturally spills over into the community. THAT is what we need. Bigger buildings, more programs don't mean anything. If the Spirit is in the building, people will flock in! They won't care if they have to sit on the floor or on a folding chair.

God bless, honey. Like Petra said 'when will the world see that we need Jesus?' It should read 'when will the Church see that we need Jesus?' Pray, pray, pray.

Julie - posted on 12/17/2010

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I'm just looking for friends my ages because I'd like friends who are in the current stage of life that I'm in. I have good christian friends my parents' age. Except they are more like mentors than friends. I also have friends who are half my age, but they are just school kids and have no understanding of "real" life and are just too young to have a really deep friendship.

Short version - I have friends who are very different in age to me already but I need at least someone my own age (anywhere between 20 and 40ish).

I have actually already been to some ladies bible studies. I went to one for quite some time until mid year this year when the group fell apart because of lack of numbers. And it was plagued with bullying and nastiness by a few people in the group.

Sorry but the absolute last thing on the face of the earth I'd want is a group in my home. My house is a constant mess because of a combination of my daughter trashing it and me struggling to keep up with the housework because of my health problems. I no longer have people from church over ever because even when it's pretty clean, they are incredibly rude and judgmental about it for not being spotless and then gossip about it to other people.

But even if my house was spotless, I'd still not want a group here. If I'm well enough to have a bible study here, I'd be well enough to go to one elsewhere. I do have a lot of trouble driving due to injuries, but I can usually travel short distances without too much trouble. The problem is my other health problems means I'm frequently too sick to go. If I had one here, the stress would send me to breaking point, knowing when I'm too sick to go, that the whole group would miss out on the days I cancelled.

Also, I'd still be plagued by the problem that other people in my church have had. My friend, "A", has often organised group events for people our age in our church. But she's lucky if one or two people turn up. She's a lovely kind person, and the events she organises would be fun if people turned up, but because she has an intellectual disability, she's not considered "cool" enough for people to turn up to the things she's organised. I'm not a part of the popular people at my church because I refuse to buy into popularity games and I know first hand, anything I organise is lucky to have anyone other than "A" turn up.

I realise I probably need a new church, and I've started going to a new one when I can, it's just hard to get there because of the distance.

Heather - posted on 12/17/2010

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Is there any reason you need your friends to be your age? I have very, very few friends that are my age, but I have some wonderful Christian friends. I have made most of my friends at women's Bible studies. Maybe if you can't get out you could talk to your pastor about hosting a womens Bible study in your home. That way you wouldn't have to leave, and they could come to you. Even if you didn't want to be the leader, our women's Bible study is hosted by one lady and led by another. Just a thought.

Kristie - posted on 12/17/2010

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I know exactly how you feel!! I have been in my church since i was a toddler but everyone has their own little group and people can be so judgemental and yet proclaim to be a christian. I think a lot of people really do not understand what being a christian is even about but yet they say they are one. I am a very shy person as well, and my closet friend and I have two totally didnt faiths. She is a wiccian but in the past few years is wanting to get out of that and asks questions about the christian faith but its just not the same as having a good close christian friend. some of the girls from my church will chit chat with me on facebook and yeah thats nice but its not the same as being able to go out and do things, talk about our beliefs and have them as a support system

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