HELP???

Suzanne - posted on 02/21/2010 ( 10 moms have responded )

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I HAVE an 8 year old daughter, in the past three weeks, when i waht my kid to do something or a correct her on something, she throws out "you hate me" or you don't love me" at first it was just a few times.. then its been more and more, her dad has warned her , i've cried in front of her because it hurts us as parents, please please help. i need some good advice . please parents that have faced this issue. only thank you.

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Liane - posted on 02/21/2010

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My oldest daughter used to say she hated me when she was upset or didn't like what I had to say. The worst thing you can do is show them a reaction (crying, yelling, etc.) If you handle it calmly and simply tell them you're sorry they feel that way but no matter what you will always love them. This worked with my daughter (she's almost 10 now). My younger daughter often witnessed the name calling incidents and I think she learned that you don't get a "rise" out of mom when you do it so she's never tried. Good luck to you! I know it can be hard to hear but understand they normally don't mean it, they are just angry and don't know how to handle their emotions.

Amy - posted on 02/21/2010

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I have had my son tell me I hate you. My responce was well I am sorry you hate me but I love you. I went to tharpy counseling and it helped me deal because I got to a point wereI was yelling all the time. I have been told you hate me, I hate you. It is very hard on a parent. One thing I always try to listne to what ever he said and how he is feeling. Good lick and God bless. It is not just your child a lot of kids do this.

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Monique - posted on 02/24/2010

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Hello

Wow that is really a young age for a child to say something like that to thier mom I have two girls and have never experienced something like that, but I do think that no matter what you have to continue to let her know that you love her and now is the time to have those one on one talks get close to her because something is miissing or either she is picking this up from some where else I wish you the best and remember you must pray God cures.

Monique P

Michelle - posted on 02/24/2010

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Welcome to motherhood, I have 6 kids who have said this at some point in there growth when they didn't like something. Remember it is usually said when there are boundries being set for them, or chores they need to do that it gets said. It is not something they really mean, they are just upset and are trying to upset you, with words they know will hurt you, I always said back to them "I love you no matter what". and let it go .It is phase they outgrow fast, when they know it will no longer upset you.

Victoria - posted on 02/23/2010

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My 8 year old says that to me all the time, we sometimes ignore it, sometimes ground her to her bedroom & other time give her a worst case senarrio For example, "Well if we really hated you or didn't love you we'd let you continue doing what your doing and you could fall down break your neck and die" It depends what the situation is. They all work when used at the right time.

Heather - posted on 02/22/2010

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My kids use to say they hated me or that I hated them when they got into trouble or couldn't get their own way. We told them that we loved them and if they felt that they needed to say that then they had to go to the corner. We told them that it was very serious to say that, and also a lie. They knew that we loved them, and always would. But because we love them, their are rules. It's kind of like the police. They pull over good guys too if they are speeding right? Because they want everyone to be safe. Being a parent is similar. We have to correct good kids too so that they stay good and everyone is better off.

Anne - posted on 02/21/2010

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Hi Suzanne, First off Please do not think I am saying her behavior is acceptable.
However has anything changed either at home or school in the last few weeks? At 8 she could be nearing Puberty. (I am not a health professional, just a mother of 2 adult daughters.) The moodiness could be because of that. One word of caution, even though you need to let your daughter know that this behavior is unacceptable, DO NOT get into a power struggle with her. Easier said than done some times. Our oldest would pull me into the verbal power struggles. Yes our daughters (MOstly our oldest) told me she hated me, and I was ruining her life several times. When I was thinking clearly and not getting pulled into her issues, I would calmly tell her that it made me sad to hear her talk like that because both her dad(/my husband), and I loved her very much. More importantly God Loved her even more than we did and He was VERY SAD when she was disrespectful to us.
Stay firm and, loving and PRAY. I hope any of this helps.

Christine - posted on 02/21/2010

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I rephrase their statement. I tell them you mean "you are really upset at me for correcting you. You are allowed to be angry or upset therefor say so. I am angry. Your actions are what needs to be corrected unless you choose to behave differently I will keep on correcting you." I try to emphasize that they have the choice in behaving right or wrong. I don`t dwell on the I hate you because to me it's their way to say I am really upset. It's teaching them to recognize their own feeling in order to better deal with them.

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