HELP ME WITH MY OUT OF CONTROL 5 YR OLD?

Tressia - posted on 12/24/2009 ( 27 moms have responded )

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MY SON IS 5 AND DOES NOT OBEY OR RESPECT ME. OR HIS NEW STEPDAD. WE HAVE A NEW BABY AND ITS HARD TO TAKE CARE OF THE TWO OF THEM. HE HAS A LOT OF ANGER AND I DONT WANT HIM TO FEEL LEFT OUT BUT AT THE SAME TIME I AM ALWAYS SENDING HIM TO HIS ROOM FOR NOT LISTENING.

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Janet - posted on 01/04/2010

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I agree I think he wants your attention.. Have him help you with the baby stuff. Like throw diaper away or go get a diaper. When your feeding the baby have him come bring a book and sit beside you. Read it while he holds it. When the baby is sleeping have some time playing with him. Other things will eventually get done later. Its ok. It will get done just not in your time frame. Or if your worried about getting laundry done. Let him pull it out of the dryer or throw it into the washer. Just think of small things he can do to spend time with you. He wont be perfect (none of us are) but it will help. My last advise is be consistent in discipline.. You and your new husband have to be ont he same page or like she said up above. He will use that.. But, being consistent so he knows the rules if he breaks it there are consquences.

Roberta - posted on 01/02/2010

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Have you watched Super nanny on TV? Excellent suggestions for disciplining 5 year olds. The main attitude YOU need to have is that YOU are the ADULT. They are under your control. A child that feels that the adults around him do not have control of their lives feels out of control themselves and acts out. Don't feel sorry for him if he gets in trouble. Don't ask him "Do you feel like..." Of course he's not going to feel like it. When my granddaughter comes back with "I don't feel like it" she gets the same answer her mom did" I didn't ask you if you felt like it. I said set the table (or whatever).
Having a step parent in the house means that the two of you are going to have to be coming from the same point in discipline also. Are you? Otherwise your son will play one off the other. Combining your parent's attitudes with another adult's upbringing takes some planning. My granddaughter is being raised now with a step parent.
I highly suggest you gain control now, otherwise when he turns 15 it will be much worse. Do you include Bible stories in his bedtime routine? What is your bedtime routine? Sing Christian children's songs while setting the table or doing something together. Stress the stories about Jesus' love shining in our lives each day. And make sure it shines in your life.
Keep praying for strength. You're in my prayers.

Tabitha - posted on 01/02/2010

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Read "The new strong will child by James Dobson" When he is acting out give him a choice to do right thing or get in trouble That give him some control lets him feel he has picked what to do. And don't wait til you are mad to do this. Tell him once then give him the choice if he does not obey. And alway follow thru. I have 2 kids myself been there done that. Good Luck

Leticia - posted on 01/01/2010

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Have you tried having him participate in things that are being done with the baby? I am not saying this will solve the problem, but it will help him not feel left out and feel like he is one of the family!

Debi - posted on 01/01/2010

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He may want to be more of a part of the babies life then you are letting him make him a part of what you are doing, give him BIG boy things to do, let him know that the baby will be looking up to him and that he will copy him so he needs to show him the right way. Let him pick out what the baby will wear and things like that. It will help you in the long run. When the baby has nap time that is your time with him so tell him to think about what he wants to do when the baby takes a nap. If he acts up tell him nothing special like no desert or tell him if he behaves all week you will take just him some place fun or buy him some new cars or something. Hope he starts behaving. Good luck

Sue - posted on 01/01/2010

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Hi Tressia, you have your hands full emotionally and physically. I can recommend a great website which will help with gospel centered parenting, there is info for every situation - it may take some looking though. I've put the link below. I'm blessed to have been married to my husband for 23 yrs, however, my now 13 y.o. has been strong willed since the day she was born. I found I needed to speak to her calmly (very challenging) and let her know that I am a sinner like her, that is why Jesus had to die for us, and only with his help can we change. Being a parent is the hardest thing you will ever do, it is worth the effort. All the best, praying for you, feel free to keep in touch. Sue

P.S. Here is that link:-http://www.facebook.com/reqs.php#/pages/...

Heather - posted on 12/30/2009

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Maybe try a different punishment. Standing in the corner or something. Don't stop punishing him for being bad, but I do agree that spending more time with him might help things out. Take some time and go for a walk or something with the new baby in the stroller, you can give 99% of your attention to him. I have two boys that are 7 and 5 and twin girls that are 2. When the girls were born there was a lot of adjustment. It's hard to give everyone their own time with you, but it is important. On occasion one of my kids will start acting up and I will realize that they have been being left out. Punishment is still important, but I also make a mental note to do something with just them the next day, or even that day before bed.

Roxanne - posted on 12/30/2009

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get him some help now trust me I have a thirteen year old who has anger problems that started when he was 5 it only gets worse and harder to control therapy there are christian therapist out there that can help and therapist that do play therapy that helped my son a lot

Katherine - posted on 12/30/2009

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He is definately crying out for attention. My 5 year old is going through the same thing and I have started making him and mommy time everyday..He picks the activity and my daughter and husband do something else while my son and I do his activity. It seems to be helping...hope this helps you out!

Maria - posted on 12/30/2009

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Tressia, I have a 4 yr old who has little to no respect for his father and I. Its been quite a struggle and some days I'm just ready to give up. For me I saw the change in him when his brother was born 2 yrs ago. He was jealous and wanted the attention that he had before. I still think there is a lot of jealousy issues as he is my strong willed child and his brother much more compliant so he is always hearing "no" or being put on time out or being disciplined. You can't ignore the bad behavior, but trying to understand where its coming from helps with knowing how to respond to the behavior. Put yourself in your childs shoes...it gave me a better understanding of what my son was seeing and feeling. I try to set aside 1 on 1 time with him and I have found that while he enjoys it and needs that time, it also becomes an encouragement for me as its a fun time and we're not fighting each other for a change. :) I also go out of my way to praise him when I see him doing well and giving rewards. I have found for us that the random rewards work much better than the reward chart, while for some kids they can be motivating if your child is easily discouraged like my son they can just discourage more seeing how far they have to go. The random rewards I think also lets him know that we are watching and paying attention to him even if he doesn't feel like we are. The only time that I send my son to his room is if he's throwing a tantrum or fit about something. He is then sent to his room until he can come out and be calm. To begin with he would come right back out and throw more fits but he is now learning how to calm himself down and then we can talk. (it also gives me a chance to calm down) Otherwise for discipline he loses privileges, sits on time out or if the situation calls for it, he gets a spanking. I have seen him slowly start doing better. It takes time and consistancy. But above all pray for him! And remember that the Lord is our strength!!

Kiyani - posted on 12/29/2009

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This sounds like a cry for attention. Instead of punishing him, begin spending more time with him, preferably alone time. You will know that you have done the right thing if you notice that the negative behavior has increased a little. This is because he will act up a little more to get your attention. Don't worry though because over time, the negative behavior will turn around. God Bless.

Deborah - posted on 12/29/2009

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Definitely with prayer. Pray for him and your family. The more you and your partner get closer to God, the kids can see it.

Deborah - posted on 12/29/2009

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Good communication without anger is the best. Take time to date with him. If possible just you and your son only. If he is comfortable with his step dad. Let his stepdad do spend time with him also just two of them. Let him feel the love without punishing him. Talk with him is the best instead grounding him in the room. He might just feel insecure because of his atmosphere with the new dad and new baby.

Sheri - posted on 12/29/2009

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I create a boredom box. Each day is something different, and only used for the box... paly dough, leggos, marbles, bunch of plain paper folded in half (to make their own book), etc... I use the box for during a short time when it is difficult to give my child attention. Include him in chores, along side of you (race to pick up toys, dust, etc). If you are a nursing mom, story time works well during this time. Also, play with him while baby is napping. His world has changed and he just needs to be reminded he is still a part of it =)
Blessings to you!
~Sheri
mom of 6 blessings

Suzanne - posted on 12/28/2009

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SPANKING I BELIEVE TOO, BUT THE CHILD'S NEED TIME WITH EACH PARENT, I WOULDN'T SAY HE IS "UNRULY" JUST WANTS TO BE APART OF WHAT IS GOING ON, SENTING HIM TO HIS ROOM SENDS A MESSAGE THAT HE ISN'T WELCOME. HE WANTS TO BE HEARD THATS ALL.

Suzanne - posted on 12/28/2009

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YOU NEED TO SET SOME TIME FOR HIM. WHEN THE BABY IS NAPPING TRY TO HAVE SOME PLAY TIME WITH HIM, INCLUDE HIM IN A "HOME CHORE" OR AN ACTIVITY THAT HE WOULD LIKE TO DO, INCLUDE HIM IN "BEENING THE BIG BROTHER" GET A DIAPER OR BLANKET FOR THE BABY. ALSO HAVE YOUR NEW HUBBY DO THE SME. INCLUDE HIM IN " FIXING A ITEM @ HOME" OR AN ACTIVITY THAT THEY CAN DO TOGETHER. YOUR SON WHATS TO BE APART OF THE SENSE, "ROOM TIME" WHEN HE MISBEHAVES SHOWS AND COMFIRMS THAT "HE ISN'T WANTED OR NEEDED.
TIME OUTS. SHOULD BE LIMITED BY AGE 5 MIN. ONE WARNING, THEN SIT, IF HE GETS UP FROM EITHER YOU OR HUBBY DO IT AGAIN.
SO IT SHOULD GO LIKE THIS. ONE WARNING, NOT LISTENING THEN SIT TIME @ AN AREA THAT IS GOOD, THEN TELL HIM "WHY HE IS THERE" SET TIMER, THEN IF HE DOES HIS TIME OUT GOOD, THEN ASK HIM" WHY DID YOU GET A TIME OUT" HE SHOULD BE ABLE TO TELL YOU. HAVE HIM SAW "SORRY " THEN HUGS AND KISSES AFTER.
TO YOU OR HUBBY ITS SEEMS LIKE ALOT BUT REPEATING THEM , HE WILL GET IT. BOTTOM LINE YOU NEED TO SET TIME FOR HIM. PERIOD.!!!!

Sophia - posted on 12/27/2009

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Hi Tressia. I work with some unruly kids. First he needs to know that what u and your new husband says goes always!! He is starving for that attention from u. I suggest u give him responsibilities like helping u with the baby. Have u or your husband take him to the park or out for some icecream and let him know he is a wonderfull big brother and tell him everything a big brother does and reward him everytime he finishes a task. Turn a negitive situation into a positive one. Find something else to grab his attention instead of sending him to his room. If he is terribly unruley......whip his butt!!! :-)

Mitzi - posted on 12/27/2009

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He might be tring to win your attention. He feels maybe that with the new baby and new husband that you won't give him time. Try finding time in the during nap time or at bedtime just to spend time with just the 5 year old he will appreciate you. I hope this helps.

Lisa - posted on 12/27/2009

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Sounds like a new baby and step-father are big changes for him. I know recently my 3 year old son started pre-school right at the same time that I changed my work hours. He went through a rough stage that is just tapering off. I think the main thing is to spend quality time with him, so he knows how important he is to the family, as well as try to be positive, and reinforce good behaviors with rewards. That has worked pretty well with my son. Best wishes, though! I know how tough it is!

Toni-Rae - posted on 12/25/2009

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My middle child is a little unruly, so I have started a reward chart where he has 6 things he needs to do everyday. He ticks these after he's done them and he gets a sticker/ treat at the end of the day; and if hes got more than 35 ticks at the end of the week he gets his pocket money and a small treat. This made him focus more on working towards a treat rather than arguing about doing them. Hope this helps a little.

Christina - posted on 12/25/2009

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Sounds like you have reached your boiling point.... I can tell because I'm right there with you sista! I get the same thing from both my almost 5yr old son and almost 3 yr old daughter. I belive that their misbehavior stems from the many changes in our lives in such a short time. My husband and I have been separated for over a year now and every time they see their father its like they go through separation over and over again. They no longer attend day care they stay home with my mom while i work. We moved from a house to an apartment where they now share a bedroom. These are factors yes but not excuses for tolerating bad behavior. I don't have a magic or a prophetic answer for you my dear. I too am going through the same thing times two. I have recently considered allowing my children to recieve counseling. Perhaps counseling may provide an opportunity for them to express their fears and what angers them so much... From there we can work on positive ways of venting. I've resorted to removing all toys and anything that is not strapped to the floor out of their room so they can vent without hurting themselves or others. Meanwhile I pray and wait till they can calm down long enough to talk about it. At all times pray! Anoint your childrens heads with oil while they sleep. Read scriptures in their rooms, allow the light and love of God shine through to your children. It takes time and patience, thats exactly how God deals with us!

Kim - posted on 12/25/2009

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I have a nine year old that is very disrespectful of her step-dad and very often myself. Is big on the word no, and quite often tells me that she hates everyone in her family but her baby half brother. I have had to do a lot of reflecting on her behavior and have done A LOT of parenting courses to help. But at the end of all that i cant help but notice the change in her attitude and helpfulness when we have gone out of our way to treat her with respect and do things that she enjoys doing. It is really hard to find the time to do this as often as i should with three children but for all our sakes it definitely is worth the time and effort. It takes less effort to hang out with her than always fighting and dishing out consequences. Just remember to have fun and not focus so much on rules. At the end of the day, love and peace in your family is more important than most house rules.

Mary - posted on 12/25/2009

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Try focusing on yes instead of no. What would should he do - give him some appropriate ideas so he won't spend so much time on what he's not supposed to do.

Helen - posted on 12/25/2009

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I would try to set aside a little time alone with him try doing something special that he likes to do sounds like he is feeling left out with new baby and new stepdad

Emma - posted on 12/25/2009

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It sounds to me like your son is crying for attention. Rather than sending him to his room why don't you ask him what game he would like to play with you and promise to play with him. It will give him something to aim forward to. I don't believe in giving kids chores for punishment as chores are part of growing up and becoming responsible which isn't a bad thing. Try and spend time every day and add it to your priority of things to do. Kids don't care what you tell them until they know you care.

Mandy - posted on 12/25/2009

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I have a 5yo too and going through similar things. Our son is the oldest of 3 and he seems to require the most attention. I'm going to have a date night sometime with him after the holidays so I try to set some time aside for him. The consequences that we choose for him are chores. When he is disrespectful or disobedient, he is put on chore duty. He may also get a time out too just so that I can collect my thoughts and choose an appropriate consequence. If he has too many incidents during the day, he will have to go to bed early. He can earn a later bedtime by having no incidents during the day. Surprisingly, this has worked for him for a motivation. I do think his behavior is related to how much rest he is getting so when he goes to bed early, he is usually better behaved the next day. Hope you find appropriate consequences and rewards for your son.

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