Help with grandparents

Angela - posted on 06/13/2012

Yes, a thousand times yes! My kids are all adults and were born in the 1980's.

Every generation of babies has parents that were brought up with different guidelines. When I was a baby (I'm now 54) it was "normal" to crush a rusk and add it to a bottle of formula. This was a popular practice for many years following, throughout the 1960's and even up the the 1970's. It was very frowned-upon by the time I had children of my own. Now, it wasn't my mother, it was my friend who insisted it was the "done thing". My friend had a baby one year older than my oldest child - but had a few older children as well - her oldest kids were well into their teens.

My Health Visitor said it was a dangerous practice putting a crushed rusk or even just a quarter of a rusk into a baby's bottle when they weren't even old enough for solids - she said a young baby's kidneys weren't ready for it. So I didn't do it and my mother was supportive of this. However, my friend said her own Health Visitor had said the same thing and she did it anyway. She felt that it was a load of rubbish and her little one "wasn't dead yet ..." so it couldn't be doing any harm!

Lots of other popular practices like giving rosehip syrup (or any fruit syrup) or Virol (malt extract) to babies went out of fashion when it was realised that this was just giving them another form of pure sugar. Some parents (and many grandparents) cling to the old practices - insisting they know best because they did it with their own babies. People freak out when they learn their babysitter gave a child a dummy coated in honey or syrup - or, horror of horrors - give full-sugar Coca-Cola to toddlers!

At the end of the day, she's YOUR baby and you have every right to put your foot down and follow the guidance of your doctor and any other health specialist assigned to your child. Your daughter's 2 Grandmas may well be nurses but they're not assigned to your child as Nurses, they're grandmothers. Their professional guidance to you is flawed and if they said the same things to the parents of a baby that was a patient, they would be guilty of malpractice. But they're not advising as Nurses, they're advising as Grandmas who want to do all the same stuff they did with their own children - with their grandchildren. TImes have moved on.

I've heard of people firing babysitters and childminders (or deciding not to hire them in the first place) because they disagreed with the parents on fundamental stuff.

Don't even get me started on their guidance on breast or formula feeding and how a mother who has formula-fed all her children seems to feel she's in a good position to advise her breast-feeding daughter-in-law!

The wife of my husband's best friend had her first baby about 27 years ago. The grandparents on both sides would not butt out with their advice. She just cut them all out of her life, her husband's life and the children's lives (she had another son about 5 years after the first one). It worked anyway. She has a lovely home, happy, grown-up kids, a devoted husband - and she has peace of mind!

Dove - posted on 06/13/2012

I don't have anything helpful to say, but I'm so sorry you are going through this. My step mom and my mom are both nurses, but these are MY kids here. In fact, my step mom is actually the nurse to my kids ped, but I'm still the mother and the one in authority. ;)

Maybe tell your mom that your baby can have a sleepover with her when she starts lactating (assuming those days are long past, of course). lol None of my kids ever did a sleepover with anyone before 2 years old even though my first was weaned shortly after a year.

Tamara - posted on 06/13/2012

WOW! I know this is tough! While my situation isn't as extreme as yours, I have parents (mostly my in-laws) who overstep their boundaries often. You've mentioned talking to t. hem and sharing your doctor's advice, but how about actually letting them go to a doctor's visit with you so they get the information first-hand? I'm not sure if I could do it, but it's an option. Then there would be no question as they would learn from the doctor why you make the choices you do with your daughter.

Sometimes we have to make the hard decision to say something that might put a strain on the relationship with our parents. Thankfully my hubby is a great "buffer" between me and his parents, and he's always ready and willing to advocate for our kids if he does not agree with what his parents are saying/doing. And that's what it boils down to...being an advocate for your child(ren). No one knows them better than you, and you must, at all costs, do what you can to protect them, especially when it really does come down to beliefs/practices that affect your daughter's health/well-being.

One thing, too, to keep in mind is how often your parents/in-laws are involved in your daughter's life. Mine are several hours away, so it's not often we see them. However, if you see them daily/weekly, it's different. Some grandparent privileges are OK from time to time, such as a lick of a sucker or a bite or 2 of ice cream, but when the grandparents are part of the daily routines, then boundaries must be set and privileges limited.

The grandparents must realize they are just that - grandparents - and you as the mom (and dad) have final say as to what you allow for your daughter. And just because you parent differently than they did/would, it does not make you less or worse of a parent. By not encouraging you as a mom/dad and going against what you desire for your child, they are actually disrespecting you as a parent. I'm sure they don't mean to do that and truly want the best for you/your child, but they have to learn their role as grandparent. It's a tough line to walk, and as one other mom suggested, books on the subject might give you more insight as to how to deal with them.

In my own experience, sometimes being blunt, even if feelings are hurt, is what it takes, In the end, the grandparents come around and things are fine, but there are occasions when it's a little tense. Just keep in mind that you ALL want what's best for your little girl

Carla - posted on 06/06/2012

Mamas need to understand that these are NOT their children! Now I will tell you, the hardest thing about being a grandparent is keeping your nose out of your childrens' business and letting them learn.

These ladies both know you are correct--they are NURSES! It's just that they want to hug and spoil their grandbaby, so their feelings are hurt. And the thing about the chicken bone, well, I am speechless over THAT one ;)

As much as lies within you, be sweet and loving to them, but also be firm about your concerns. This period of your life is a transition from 'our little girl' to 'our grown daughter with a family of her own'. It's difficult, and it's painful. Pray for wisdom to handle their actions, and IF God thinks you are being over-protective, He will tell you.

God bless, honey, you are certainly in my prayers.

Nikki - posted on 06/05/2012

Thank you so much for the prayers :) I am going to look for the book thanks again

Sharon - posted on 06/05/2012

I'm sorry that I can't exactly help.

However, there is a book out there called "Boundaries" which helped me when I had to distance myself from my mother who wanted to tell me how to live and what to do and say.

It is based on Christian values but right now I cannot for the life of me tell you the authors, but it is 2 male authors who are Christian authors.

One thing they do say is that even tho your mother may be upset for a while, she will eventually get the picture.

Basically, it's "one day at a time". Keep your chin up and remember, you are your daughters momma and that is what counts.
Praying for strength for you.