How do I know if I have forgiven my father?

Shirley - posted on 11/28/2010

In your Bible which means Basic instructions before leaving earth. 1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins He (Jesus) is Faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. TRUST and Believe Him and claim this for yourself God Bless

Julie - posted on 11/27/2010

Forgiveness is more often than not - a process.
You will know that you've truly forgiven your father 100% when you can think about past incidents and not feel a twinge of pain or resentment.

Carla - posted on 11/26/2010

@Bonnie--what a wondrous story of determination, strength and love! Give your friend a big kiss from me!

Forgiveness is hard. I struggle every day with the feelings. It's hard, when the person is proclaiming Christ, and mistreating their family. But, the Jews were proclaiming God, and refused God's Greatest Gift. Jesus loves them anyway. We know that we love God because we love our neighbors as ourselves. If we don't have the love of God, He does not abide in us. This FORCES us, if we want to have a close relationship with God, to forgive. And once it starts, it takes a very heavy burden off your shoulders. We just have to remember that forgiving a person doesn't let them off the hook--they still have to face God at the Judgment Seat. We need to pray that they open their eyes and ask forgiveness, TRUE forgiveness before it's too late.

God bless!

Bonnie - posted on 11/25/2010

Your family now is the one you have, including your son. Your Dad made his choice - he just doesn't know what he is losing.
Let me tell you my favorite true survival story. I once had a friend named Jeannie who was from Korea. She married an American and came to this country. Her Dad tried to kill her many times when she was little because girl babies weren't considered valuable. He gambled and only came home in the winter, when he would kick her out of the house (it's cold there) and she would have to beg and sleep on people's kitchen floors in exchange for warmth at night. At age 12, her mom deserted her newest baby (a son) to breast feed a rich ladies child instead. Jeannie kept the baby alive by feeding him chewed rice and she took care of the other younger boys while her mom was gone. Nine months later the mom returned and when the baby couldn't handle the breast milk (he was probably malnourished) she locked him in a room and let him die, then buried him and wouldn't tell Jeannie where the body was. She found it dug up by a fox later. She was so devastated that she left home and worked for families in exchange for room and board, and later worked at the military base where she met her husband. She worked in the USA and saved enough money to go back to Korea and buy a house for her family and to help her brothers get jobs (it took money to get started--things like cab driving where you need a cab, etc.). She threatened to kill her Dad if he ever sold the house, which he didn't. She is still in the US and brought her youngest brother here. I knew her in the 70s. I always thought that was such a great example of love, forgiveness and wisdom (knowing to keep her Dad at bay). What do you think of that?

Jodie - posted on 11/25/2010

P.S. What a blessing that you have a Heavenly Father to show you how a daughter is supposed to be loved. He will never leave you or forsake you, and you will always be His precious child. And He was present at your wedding to have you married to your husband. And He was there for the birth of your beautiful son. And He wants so badly for your son to be a part of His family. He has a huge celebration prepared for when you all get to come Home to Him and sit with Him in intimate fellowship.
Don't forget that that's what truly matters. And that is pure joy. Perservere. Your reward is waiting for you, and your Father is waiting to present it to you with open arms!
♥

Jodie - posted on 11/25/2010

Forgiveness of sin, just like forgiving debt, is releasing what is owed to you. Your "dad" owes you a great debt. He deserves consequences, but by forgiving him, you release him from the consequences that he truly deserves. I completely understand when you talk about the emotional battle it is to forgive someone. After all, they don't deserve the forgiveness! A lot of the time, I find myself trying to figure out why that person did what they did, because if I can understand the struggle they were going through, etc, it would make it easier for me to forgive. But I think this is something I learned from the world. The world would tell you that there are some things that are unforgiveable because people sin in ways that cannot be justified or inspire sympathy. But that's not the case with our God. He offers forgiveness for ALL our sins, even though He considers NONE of them justified. The goal is to forgive like God forgives. When God forgives us, He casts ours sins as far as the east is from the west. He forgives and forgets. As people of the flesh, I don't know that we are capable of forgiving quite like God, because we don't always know how to forget, especially when it's not something petty. I think that the forgetting part is why true forgiveness for something huge does require time. We have to train ourselves to forget the debts. So, I think that we should forgive as best we can, and when a time comes that we do remember, we are faced with the decision of whether or not to forgive again. And we should always choose to forgive again, because forgiving someone is freeing. You are no longer held down or held back by them because they don't owe you anything, so you're not waiting around and fighting for them to finally fulfill it.
Thank you for sharing your story. I pray that you find comfort in the responses. You are in my prayers, dear sister.

Laura Zoey - posted on 11/25/2010

Thank you so much Bonnie, that helps! He actually has never wanted to see my son, he said to my husband 'no Hoffmann will ever be a part of MY family'
I can't explain how much that hurt me, Eric was only two months when he said that, now he is nearing two years and Tom has still never tried to see him.
That hurts a lot for me, but I hurt even more for my son who is so innocent and is still being pushed away by his blood relative.
Thanks crystal, I can't think I'll be able to ignore his behavior ever, I honestly think my fear of himmwas the right thing and now I'm healing from it. I wouldn't ever let him alone with me or my kids just cuz he isn't trustworthy, but he might not even make an effort to see us anytime soon.

Bonnie - posted on 11/25/2010

Dear Laura:
You belong to a 'group' of the many of us who were abused and misunderstood by toxic parents. Please know that forgiveness is a process, like peeling off layers. My Mom (who was mistreated by her Dad) was so controlling and difficult that in my 20s I used to have dreams about trying to kill her. In each dream I couldn't do it and always ended up feeling helpless. She had left me feeling like I wasn't capable enough to live my own life. The first forgiveness came when she sent me some old pictures of her childhood (I was 32 years old). I looked at the innocent little three year old in one picture, remembered the terrible abuse her Dad dished out (she was outspoken like you and her Dad was like your Dad) and it broke my heart. But over the years she still didn't change (except the dreams stopped and the anger became less). She would be really nice to me on a visit and then trash me when she got 'nervous' (I now know she nas anxiety order although she doesn't admit it). So I was up and down with the anger and frustration. It took me until I was over 60 years old to finally let go of feeling angry when she said hateful things to me (when I would visit or sometimes even just talk on the phone). I don't know what turned me around, but I would wake up the next morning after hearing her tell me how incompetent and hopeless and unacceptable I was, and it was forgotten. Suddenly, it finally became 'her problem'. Maybe that's the secret. Keep working toward seeing it as your father's problem and know that you, as the child, were a victim of his own fears and inabilities. He will never understand that, but that is also his problem and not yours.
I wish you luck in moving toward complete healing from the abuse not only from your Dad, but from the pain of having the church take his side. We can 'know the answers' about how we should feel and deal with it, but it does take time, sometimes a lifetime. Don't be discouraged. Life is a journey. Your job is to work on a better, healthier 'you' and let your Dad and his problems go by the wayside. If you have children, let them see him as a doting grandfather (if he choses to be play that role) and save the stories until they are adults and can handle hearing about it without ruining the joy of knowing their grandparents.). I did that with my youngest daughter and her Dad (my exe). When she was in high school she finally figured out what a selfish and not-so-great guy he was by herself and I didn't have to say much of anything except "sorry, dear".
Blessings to you,
Bonnie Early
Littleton, CO

Crystal - posted on 11/24/2010

Rebekah -- I agree with you ... to a point. While I agree that anger flare ups would indicate need for continuing forgiveness, I don't believe it's "holding a grudge" to feel scared or hurt when around a toxic/unsafe person. I believe it can be quite healthy. It can be God's way of telling you to stay out of danger. This has certainly been the case in my life. I can be around my dad, but I am cautious/wary. I need to keep me and my children safe from toxic behavior. It is not unforgiveness, it is common sense. I have no ill will toward my dad, I wish him the best. But I don't need to be around dysfunction either.
I hope this helps.

Rebekah - posted on 11/24/2010

*HUGS* You'll know when you have forgiven him truly when being around him, hearing his voice, and no matter what comments come from him they will no longer pierce the heart! If you still fledge up with anger and/or become scared or hurt, then you still are holding a grudge. The only way you can truly forgive is if you can give your heart to God and let Him hold it, for He will be the protective barrier around it and give You HIS heart, so that nothing can penetrate yours. Then choose to forgive no matter how hard it is.

Carla - posted on 11/24/2010

@Marlena--good stuff, honey!

Marlena - posted on 11/24/2010

Dearest, I cry from the ache and hurt I hear in your words because I understand your pain. Always, always pray for your father and his wife. Remember that forgiving does not mean you forget, nor does it mean the hurt goes away. It does mean that you will have a peace that passes ALL understanding. It may not take away the fear of what will come by having relationship with that person. You will need to muster that courage from deep within and a relationship with the Lord will bring that to fruition. Sometimes we must step back from a situation to let it simmer down. Just because you forgive him, does not mean he forgives himself. Pray for him as much as you can. That will change your heart. Pray for him to have peace, for blessings, for unconditional love to follow him wherever he goes. That example will help him and his sons. Remember, you are an heir to the throne and God wants you to be blessed. Marlena

Alisha - posted on 11/23/2010

Wow that's quite a journey! I think if you are still questioning if you have forgiven him then I'm guessing you are not totally there yet. Ask Christ into your heart to forgive you for all past sins and then to help you with forgiving your father because Christ has forgiven you (if you ask Him). I think if you talk to him about how he made you feel when you were a child and what your current concerns are if you have any would be a start as well. Then tell him you want to forgive him and have a relationship again (if that's what you want). You have to have open communication no matter how hard it is, and forgiveness will feel so sweet!

Andreia - posted on 11/23/2010

Well, I can not say much because I am in the process of forgiveness to my mother because she chose to stay with my stepfather, who tried to abuse me, than to struggle alone to raise me and my other two half-brothers.But I can say one thing Laura, only after I began to pray for this real bad feeling I had inside of me is that I feel now, that forgiveness is closer to finally happen.Pray to God, talking about how you feel about your father, but you really want to forgive him as he helps you.I will pray for you too!be at peace!

Andreia - posted on 11/23/2010

Well, I can not say much because I am in the process of forgiveness to my mother because she chose to stay with my stepfather, who tried to abuse me, than to struggle alone to raise me and my other two half-brothers.But I can say one thing Laura, only after I began to pray for this real bad feeling I had inside of me is that I feel now, that forgiveness is closer to finally happen.Pray to God, talking about how you feel about your father, but you really want to forgive him as he helps you.I will pray for you too!be at peace!

Susan - posted on 11/23/2010

If you understand that God is only being portrayed in THE SHACK as the one thing that the man was not being able to accept, then you will understand that the writer was not trying to say that God is a woman. Maybe I am off base and it has been awhile since I read the book, but at first I thought it was heresy until I realized it is allegorical, just like C. S. Lewis, or Tolken. I agree forgiveness is both a process and a choice. All at the same time. Pray, pray, pray for your father. I understand that when you pray for your father and your attitude toward him and the situation, you will feel differently about both. Hope this helps.

Carla - posted on 11/20/2010

Honey, you know, in the long run, we are all just humans, trying to get along the best we know how. Abused people abuse. We don't know what his life was like, but few people are just evil for the sake of being evil. You want him to die because then you think the hurt would stop. It won't. The hurt is inside you, and actually has nothing to do with him now. Jesus called us to forgive, because He knew this is how we would feel. You are not letting him off the hook if you forgive him, you are just working towards having yourself in a better place. Forgive. Forgive often. Be consistent with your forgiveness. This is the best recipe for mental health that I know of.

God bless, honey

Laura Zoey - posted on 11/20/2010

Is it weird that one time I can catch myself wishing he would die, then another day find myself nostalgically wishing I could call him and talk? It's so weird how my mood towards him changes so drastically. I don't know how I truly feel.
I'm trying to choose not to let the bad thoughts stick, but I don't want to think it's all ok when he hasn't shown me he is trustworthy.....
I just really wish he cared to see my son, that hurts.

Carla - posted on 11/20/2010

@Rebecca--dropped :)

Rebecca - posted on 11/19/2010

Ladies I would'nt have posted the link if it was just that pastor, but I hear how it is a heresy on Christian radio all the time. If you also do a quick search online, many well known pastors believe it is heretical. Just because something stirs our emotions does'nt mean it is Biblical.
Anyway, I will drop it now lol ; )

Carla - posted on 11/19/2010

@Linda, the link didn't work for me, either, I just typed in the pastor's name and church name. I think when it said God didn't turn His back on Jesus, it was in the way that, even though He HAD to turn His back, He was still there for Jesus. A lot of the things written you had to really read and re-read to get the true meaning of them. I have read it 4 times, and find it a beautiful read. Yes, I cried through it all 4 times. I read it aloud, once to my husband on a trip up north, and then again in our Bible study, and I had to stop and get my voice in order before I could continue. It deals with a hard subject, one especially hard for women, however, the love, forgiveness and faith came shining through. I LOVED it!

Linda - posted on 11/19/2010

The link did not work for me, but I have read The Shack. It is a radical portrayal of God, but I did not find it sacreligious at all. I thought it helped us to see things in new ways. I will say it is a hard book to read, and I cried all the way through it. However, I think it is a good book to read. The only doctrinal disagreement I had with the book was when it said that God the Father did not turn his back on Jesus on the cross--I believe He did have to turn away because Jesus had taken the sin on the world upon him. However, as a whole, I think the book was helpful...and I especially think it would be so for some struggling with forgiveness. That's just my perspective.

Carla - posted on 11/19/2010

I am truly saddened by this pastor's critique of 'The Shack'. I have read it four times; I DO NOT think of God as an african-american woman. I think God's answer as to WHY he came to Mack as a woman was a wonderful testament of His love for us. Seeing in my mind's eye the Holy Spirit, or Sarayu, digging up the crud of Mack's heart and planting forgiveness and love was marvelous! As for not worshipping God as God, in the book Jesus had their nightly 'devotions'--Jesus took God's hands, and said 'I loved watching You work today. You were so gentle and loving when you were talking to Mack. I love you'. He said HE God was doing the work.



The book is a marvelous portrayal of love and forgiveness, and I totally recommend it for those who are struggling with forgiveness. I guess to each his own.



God bless

Rebecca - posted on 11/19/2010

We are called to honor our parents, even if they don't deserve it. We are also called to forgive others when they don't deserve it.



Life and death are in the power of the tongue. I believe and have felt the bitterness and pain melt away once I audibly forgave someone (went to them personally), instead of just telling the Lord that I did. If you can't handle seeing him face to face yet, you could call, e-mail, or try having a meeting between the both of you again with someone you both trust (pastor, etc.).



My mother passed away in June, from cancer as well, (I was her spitfire too, like her :) ). I had a lot of underlying pain from our past, but now was not the time to re-hash anything. I simply told her that I forgave her for everything she had done to me and I hoped that she would forgive me as well. Don't wait until it is too late, which could be any time for any of us.



If your dad is so hard hearted that he still does not accept your forgiveness, then you atleast know you have done your part and will be right with your Heavenly Father, who is always there for you, as that dad figure you have been seeking. If that is the case, keep praying that God will soften his heart and reciprocate the forgiveness. If he is a true believer then I believe the Holy Spirit would convict Him of his actions.

Praying for reconcilliation for your family.





To all, concerning, "The Shack", please follow this link, http://www.facebook.com/#!/pastormark?v=app_10442206389, and watch the video titled "the shack". (not sure if that link works, if not look up, Mark Driscoll, Mars Hill church on facebook, it's under FAQ's)

Crystal - posted on 11/18/2010

Where you are now sounds so much like where I was 20 years ago. Disowned, hurting, wanting reconciliation, but scared of contact necessary for relationships.

This definition of forgiveness has helped me greatly:
I choose right now to not seek revenge.

This can be a minute by minute decision. Believe me, I've been there, done that. It's been 20 years and I can talk about my (past and current non-) relationship with my parents.

Also notice that by this definition you don't have to have warm fuzzy feelings. The warm fuzzy feelings are what we, as Christians, so often think we need to feel in order to know we've forgiven. But I don't find that in Scripture. It says "Be angry, and sin not." So I know it's okay to be angry sometimes. (just don't hurt anyone else in the process or cause anyone to stumble?) It also says "In everything give thanks." I am thankful that God brought me out of where I was to where I am now. Psalm 40:1-3 "I waited patiently for the Lord and He inclined to me and heard my cry. He brought me out of a horrible pit and out of the miry clay and set my feet upon a rock and established my going. He has put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God that many shall see it and hear and shall trust in the Lord."
Trust that God has a plan for your life. Jeremiah 29:11 "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Anything God has planned is so much better than anything we can imagine.

Right now it is not safe -- physically or emotionally -- for you to be around your dad. He is not a safe person. God has given you what sounds like a wonderful husband, child and in-laws. You even have the love of your sister. Trust God to work His healing (whatever it looks like) in His perfect timing.

I know it hurts!! It probably will for a while. :( As you continue to seek healthy ways of relating and seek God as the center of your life, it will get better.

Through the years, I have had on-and-off contact/relationship with my parents. Never for more than 18 months at a time. So it was an emotional roller-coaster for a while -- "Oh, it's so good to be able to talk and be around each other again!" "What? What did I do?? Why won't you talk with me? But that's not what I meant!"

I currently have no contact with them. They are not safe people. I do not want my children to be hurt by their dysfunction. They seem like very "normal" individuals, but their dysfunction can be very hurtful. So for the safety of the family I now have, we have no contact with my parents.

However, I do send Christmas cards with photos of the kids (on the years I get the cards out. ;) ). I believe they like to see the pics of their grandkids. But even if they do not, they are welcome to throw them away. I send them because I want to honor them as my parents. If they asked me to not send them, I would stop sending them -- as a way to honor them/their request. Just as I have stopped trying to have relationship at their request.

Hang in there! I know it hurts! Let me know if you want to talk more. I'm praying for you! ♥

Carla - posted on 11/17/2010

@Elizabeth Dell--I have recommended 'The Shack' to sooo many of the women in our little community here! To me, this is the best example of Who God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit are, what They do for us, and how to forgive. I have read it 4 times, and each time more Truth comes out. I am going to the Bible book store later today to buy yet another copy to give to my hurting niece. Thank God He gave Mr. Young the inspiration for this book! I believe it will help a LOT of people find their way.

God bless, honey

Laura Zoey - posted on 11/17/2010

Thankyou katrice that's really helpful!

Kat - posted on 11/16/2010

I am also struggling with a forgiveness issue. I can tell you this, forgiveness doesn't mean the pain goes away. And it doesn't mean that you won't get emotional thinking about the past. Forgiveness is a choice & sometimes you have to chose it every day, sometimes several times a day. I know! We are required to forgive as we want to be forgiven. Our walk with God is always a journey, the good & the bad. Nothing is instant & neither is forgiveness. Everyday we say the Lords Prayer, we ask for forgiveness everyday from the Lord, we ask for our daily bread every day & every day we let God know that we believe the power & the glory are his.
Forgiveness might be easier for you if Tom was sorry & tried to seek your forgiveness. So pray for him. Ask God to soften his heart. When I read your story my 1st instinct was that Satan attacked Tom when his defenses were low, when he lost his Wife - his life partner. It seems to me he was blinded to his children by his own grief. No excuses, but that kind of behavior is not that of a Godly person but a Godly person under attack from Satan. To this day he continues to attack him & turn him against you. You pray to get Satan our of yours & his life, yours & his relationship you 'may' get that apology you deserve. And you may get that feeling of forgiveness you long for. But keep in mind forgiving isn't a feeling, it's an action & the Lord's Prayer says we must do it daily.

Elizabethe - posted on 11/16/2010

Hi Laura,

I want to recommend this book to help you with the forgiveness aspect, it was very helpful to me and it still helps me since I do not trust men anymore, because of my ex husband and my two dads and two brothers. I have made great strides in forgiving them. Some days it is easier than other than there are other days that I go right back to square one. So anyway this book has and is still helping me you may have heard of it. It was recommended by my church, "THE SHACK" by Wm. Paul Young it is a great read it about a mans journey to forgive a murderer. I don't want to give away to much but read it. It really gets to you about the forgivness issue. I know that your dad is not a murderer(at least I hope he isn't) but the Forgivness issue is something that we all have to do and this hit me most profoundly. Anyway I hope this help I will pray for your heart to heal. Don't let your dad have power over the way you feel, you choose the way you feel about the situation and then I believe truly that you will be able to move forward. After you read that book there is one other book that I have been reading that has helped me to I know it is call 'Forgive for Love" I just can't remember the author at this time I will try to find it and send you the authors name. Bless you, love, laugh, and live in peace. Elizabethe

Jennifer - posted on 11/15/2010

Forgiving is certainly a process. As much as I was hurt by my step father it took a long time for me to say "I forgive him." I love my mom, don't get me wrong but she is of the idea that forgiveness is optional. I went through several horrible things with my ex husband and I was, again after a long time, able to say "I forgive him". It's not easy and the scars remain for sure. But forgiving is in a sense giving your heart to the Lord and letting him heal you. The last time I saw my step father across the store,I shook a bit inside, I was physically fearful of him. Not because of what he had done before but because of the violence I knew him capable of. Abuse survivors of all kinds bear wound and scars that last a lifetime. And these, in our cases, were the men we were supposed to be able to trust to love us unconditionally. Even if you weren't necessarily close. You can forgive, but sometimes the abuser doesn't think there is anything to forgive and forgiveness ends up being more for you than for the person you're forgiving. Prayer is coming your way Sister, that your father seek you. (Also, my step dad can't forgive himself and therefore doesn't think I can forgive him, maybe it's eating at him.)

Carla - posted on 11/15/2010

Laura, forgiveness of deep wounds takes time. Don't freak out, don't put yourself down. Just forgive them when the thought creeps back into your head, and it will, a hundred times a day. Satan orchestrated those hurts, and he did so to distract and drive you from God. So, he brings those thoughts back to see if you were sincere, or if he can weasel his way back in and put you back into bondage. By continuing to tell him to take a hike, that Jesus took your burdens and nailed them to the Cross, he will get the picture.

I was reading I Corinthians the other day, don't even remember what it was, but it was talking about grace being renewed every morning. The Lord brought to me that grace was given to me, even when I didn't deserve it. And I am to give grace to those who have hurt me, even tho they don't deserve it. He showed me a bowl marked Grace set before me every day, like breakfast. I, in turn, give this 'breakfast' to all those around me. Grace is very attractive. Pretty soon everyone is giving grace and we STILL get a new bowl every morning.

We all do the best we can, Laura. Keep praying, keep forgiving. You'll be fine.

God bless, honey

Heather - posted on 11/14/2010

I can tell if I have forgiven someone by the way I pray for them. I don't exactly know how to explain it, but there is a difference once I have forgiven them.

Laura Zoey - posted on 11/14/2010

I can't imagine how many years it would be before I would be logical without being emotional all the time about this.
I mean he killed a part of my soal and that is evident in alot of my actions. I see the scars on my heart alot and I know he was aware of the pain he was causing me.
While maybe I can see how a small amount of forgiveness would be able to say it is not emotional anymore, I have to think there is not really a strong chance people can ever move past every feeling of hurt, anger, sadness, pain after being so wronged.
I know I'm still bitter, I know I still have mean thoughts about him. That's still me trying to survive Nd heal.I want to forgive him, but I will never trust him, or love him so idk how it works.
I too don't call him my dad.
I haven't used that term before this thread in years as I just refer to him as Tom.
I think being a dad is an honor not a right and the word is earned and can be lost.
I used the term dad here just to not confuse anyone reading but it hurts my heart to think of him as my dad.
I guess I'm farther away from forgiveness then I thought.

BB - posted on 11/14/2010

Forgivness is a process just like grieving is.It takes time to get to the point where it becomes more logical and less emotional.When you can talk about something or to someone without getting worked up then you will be ready. Sometimes to forgive can take years.Even after that there could be that feeling of pain sometimes.But please never forgive for the sake of someone else forgive to save your own sanity and do it when you feel is the right time.Pray, ask God to help you and show you the path He wants you to follow. My oldest childs bio-person(I don't use the dad word for him) was extremely abusive, physically emotionally and other wise. I was with him from the time I was 18 to21. At 21 he almost ended my life................so I ran away for the sake of my child and myself.I learned to always trust God b/c God will always provide a way, he did for me.Now I'm married with 2 more children and the person who hurt me in prison still sits. Now years have gone by and I still haven't forgiven what this person did to me.But I have forgiven myself.There even was a time when I was angry with God and wanted to know why did you do this to me?But then I realized that everything in this world has a purpose, a reason...and sometimes at the end of great suffering comes great joy.And I thank God everyday for the life He gave back to me.So Forgiveness is a journey and does take time.........it will get better, like "they" always say one day at a time, just do today before worrying about tomorrow.

Carla - posted on 11/14/2010

Sweetie, here's Mom! I can also give you a little advice being in the same position as you.

My siblings and I are in your shoes. My mother is 82. They are like your siblings, in that they just try to ignore it, and when she gets too much, they just hang up the phone. But she lives 10 feet out my back door, so this is not an option to me.

Jesse has posted that if you have truly forgiven, you can talk about it and not get emotional. If she is right, then I haven't hit it yet. I have had to make a physical effort to forgive, and I have to reenforce this at least once a week. I cannot talk about all the past, because it is still so painful that I get sick. So, what is the answer? I have vowed to the Lord that I will live in forgiveness; this is truly an on-going process. Love is a choice, and we know this is true. We can choose to love our sponse, even when they are acting unlovely. So, forgiveness must also be a choice. I am loving her in the best way I know how right now, and I pray that that is enough. Do I hope that one day I can talk about the things, in order to help people, without ending up angry again? Yes! But, for now, I have to be content with the on-going process. It IS better, and I am praying it continues better every day.

God bless, darling, we are all trying to walk better every day

Jessie - posted on 11/14/2010

When forgiveness comes from the heart you can discuss, or think about it and not become emotional. You'll no longer be angry, which is always a secondary emotion that stems from hurts, sadness, and lots of other emotions. So thats it, you will know you have forgiven him when you think of it and you realize he is human, and makes mistakes, and you accept that about him. Sometimes we as Christians have to bite the bullet and apoligize for our wrongs so that the healing process can begin. All this talk about what your father did to you, somewhere I am sure you wronged him and in doing so wronged God. So start with forgiving yourself and asking God and your father to forgive you. Then let God do the rest. He is faithful and I believe that if you do your part he will deff do his part.. God Bless you and your father.

Laura Zoey - posted on 11/14/2010

So, forgiveness is more of a process then a decision? That makes more sence I think.
I want to do the right thing, I don't want this to affect my life! I want to be free of the pain and fear and I know forgiveness is like the first step. But it makes sence it's not quick. Thankyou Linda, I still wish I could understand it better but that helps! I do hope that maybe in ten years he will soften his heart. There's a lot of people praying for his heart to change, but I know until he allows god to help, nothing will change.
I think he is mad at god for letting my mom die, we all were, but we as kids are dealing with it while he says he is done grieving and was done in those 5 months :/
So he has to acknowledge his pain I think, and since I'm so very much like my mom I think that's why he pushed me away.
We both told him like it was with firm words and he hated it that I was right and so much like my mom.
Thanks for the help, and prayers, I really appreciate it.
My dads name is Tom, my mom was Sara, my sister Bethany, my brothers Kevin and Matthew if you find yourself drawn to prayer for us.

Linda - posted on 11/13/2010

Oh, Laura, I'm so sorry. That sounds like a difficult situation indeed. Forgiveness is one of the hardest things to learn. It is especially hard when you have been hurt by someone who should be showing you love. In my experience it takes time. You start with wanting to forgive because that is God's command. Then you pray. Pray for God to help you forgive him. Then pray for your father. It sounds like he is hurt and running away from God. The more you pray for your father, the easier it will be to ulitmately forgive him. I believe you may have to pray about it every day for a year (or ten if that is what it takes). Eventually God will change your heart. No, I don't think you need to tell him, especially if he is not sorry. He would only take it as more disrespect from you. Your brothers will eventually figure things out--pray for them too. Maybe your sister can bring cards from you to give to them when she visits if you can't see them right now. Be patient with yourself. And pray, pray, pray. God will eventually bring healing.

Laura Zoey - posted on 11/13/2010

**** I hit post accidentally, so I'll finish my story here!******
so right before our wedding the church decided they wouldn't marry us because we were 'living in sin' even though we were doing no sin. So we married elsewhere. We got an apartment together and etc.
Since then we have gone back to our church and spoken with the pastor and elders and explained to them yet again how things happened and how we feel and they have came along side us and now trust us and are very supportive of us.
We tried to do counseling with my dad but he refused to meet without me present as he won't accept my husband as family. And since I was pregnant and the sight of my dad made me shake uncontrollably and my stomach ache I knew it wasn't healthy for me to see him while pregnant. So after Eric was born things had gotten worse and he wasn't willing to meet. And so the elders kept trying to reason with him and help him open his heart but he wasn't willing to try.
So I haven't spoken to him in three and a half years, and I've only had indirect communication for that time. But now he left our church and hasn't been in any sort of communication for. A few months.
He is still hurting me by keeping my baby brother from seeing me and by turning my other brother to 'his side' saying I am the only one to blame.
My sister on the other hand knows my heart and understand me completely. While she is still passive enough that she has contact with him I'm glad at least she sees our brothers.

My question is how do I know if I have forgiven him?
I have said to god, I forgive him, but I still deal with some strong feelings as well.
Sometimes I feel sad and cry for missed times, for misunderstandings, for what could have been, sometimes I get mad for the pain he caused and the emotional scars I carry, the trust issues I have, the fear of men I deal with.
Sometimes I have self pity parties, why me etc.
Does that mean I haven't forgiven him?
It's not as easy as when we were kids and you forgive and move on. This is a deep painful scar and it's stilhealing.
But I want to forgive him. I know I need to to live my life the best I can.But does these feeling mean I did it wrong?
Do I have to say it to his face? Because I can not physically look at him. I get sick at the thought of seeing him. Even get a stomach ach when talking to my uncle, his brother, on the phone cuz their voices are so similar.
I just can't see him. And even if I wanted to I know he wouldn't let me near him. He has called the police on me the last time went by his house to see my brother.

I need some 'mom' advise now, I'm only 21 and by no means a forgiveness expert and I just hope some of you can help me understand and so I can do the right thing and really forgive him.