How do you deal with in-laws that don't like you and have little to no cantact with your child

Angela - posted on 11/29/2012

It's not always in-laws that cause the issues!



As a daughter-in-law (I've been married twice), I can honestly say that I've never had any issue with either mother-in-law. I can't say the same for my own parents!



As a mother-in-law I haven't had any real issues with my children-in-law - the headaches have been with my own children.



My friend gets some appalling treatment from her mother-in-law - but a lot of it is down to the fact that her husband won't stand up to his mother.



Sorry if I haven't helped, I've only been able to give my own insight!

Carla - posted on 11/28/2012

I re-opened this thread, because Marta needs to be comforted.



Honey, having children-in-law is difficult, to say the very least! Having been both a child AND a mother-in-law, I think I have a pretty good idea of how the scenario between your daughter and her husband went: 'Mom's coming to visit' 'Well, I hope she doesn't come in here trying to tell us how to run our lives' 'Okay, so let's lay down some ground rules before she gets here and agree on them together' And so they were looking for a chance to enforce their rules.



Mothers and mothers-in-law have a very tight rope we walk. You bite your lip often, walk away in tears, and then tell yourself to buck up, then go at it again. I have butted heads with my sons-in-law and daughter-in-law--fortunately or unfortunately, depending on your view, my children all married very strong-willed spouses. Unfortunately, I am a tad strong-willed myself ;) We have ALL had to try to adjust to each other in order to get along and have a peaceful relationship. Example: We moved into a house with a shared drive. The driveway is on our property, but the neighbors have right-of-way. We've never had to deal with something like this before, but we go out of our way to keep the driveway clear for our neighbors. Steve likes to park right by the back door, which is right in the middle of the drive. So I told him to park on the street. He told me he was going to park wherever he pleased. I said 'Excuse ME?' I was in hyper mode ;) He took off, and I didn't see him for a while, but when he did come back, he pulled up behind our car and out of the way of the neighbors. He didn't exactly do as I had asked, but he was at least out of the way.



If you have a good relationship with your daughter, maybe a little call may be in order. Ask her to send you a list of their house rules, so you can be respectful of their home. I know this seems hard to swallow, but I'm sure you want your rules respected in your home, and giving her this little bit of humility on your part MAY do more than confronting and hurt feelings.



My prayers are with you, honey. I wish people were more alike, so we didn't have to clash, but this is all part of a child leaving her father and mother and becoming a family with her husband. At my children's houses, I try to go by their rules. It's difficult, I know, but once your daughter and husband feel they have their household in order, probably this dominance will settle down.



God bless, honey. And YOU thought once they were married that the troubles with kids would be over ;)

Marta - posted on 11/25/2012

Hi Michele my name is marta and I so appreciate your letter about asking God to intervene in these family matters. My only daughter has a 5 month old. She lives in another state and I rarely see her though we would talk frequently. When her son was born prematurely I went to help at her request, staying 3 weeks. Quickly I became aware of my son in laws negative mood towards well just about everything. That visit was a diaster for me and I tried to leave early but she really needed my help. This time I planned to visit at thanksgiving, my son in law had rules for me such as no cleaning. I thought we were all mature enough to get along. Well as you can suspect, he just found something else to critisize me for, feeding the baby too much, apparently they have a strict 3 hour rule between feedings. OK I apologize and said it had been a long time since I raised a baby and I was trying but unless he wants to hear the baby crying, screaming, chewing his hands etc. I think he seems hungry> Well that comment started world war III and to make a long story short this time I went to a hotel and flew home early. I see my daughters posts on facebook, she sides with her husband which I completely understand as God's arrangement of the family. I just felt like he was pecking away at me looking for me to give him an opportunity to critisize me. So mission accomplished, I'm not going to visit. Yes it is sad but it is their house and family, all I wanted to do was help and love them, and be apart of their lives, it that so wrong?

Donna - posted on 08/13/2009

Continue on as if they do not exist...do not make it a big deal...do not let it cause strife with you will help your husband...my boys went through the same with my hubby mother,.to the point that they forgot about her...they will tell you they got along fine with the grandparents (my parents and hubby's dad )who got to know them. Your husband will have to understand they will come around one day in the meantime try to keep your family to those who love you for who you are..this will allow you to grow with eachother and nurture a daughter who will understand not hold grudges.

Michelle - posted on 08/12/2009

I have gone through this for almost 8 years and deciced to cut contact in the last couple of days. We, too, had a child in the hospital (more than once) with no visits from grandma and grandpa, aunts or uncles. Not even a phone call when my 3 year old with a heart condition had unrelated surgery. At Chrismas time, nieces and nephews would get basketball hoops, large kitchen sets, my son got a rubbermaid container with a coloring book and crayons. My older kids got nothing. Birthdays they did not even call the kids.The family would have get togethers and parties and dinners and we never knew. When we would go to visit the family (these are my husband's parents and siblings) they would show us the pictures of their get-togethers. The list goes on, I can relate to almost every post here, seriously. I sure did try to exemplify Chris't love, but being bitter and jealous did get the best of me. I was up about 36 hours, no sleep, crying about this situation, just unable to understand. I ultimately sent emails explaining my feelings and stating that I wouldn't allow this to go on any more. We have had no response from his mother, only one SIL, who I believe in my heart would like to get "the scoop" first hand, to pass along to the rest of the family.

So this is what I think... Jesus loved unconditionally and we do not deserve this great gift, but Jesus also wiped the dirt from his feet and moved on when he was dealing with foolish people. Several scriptures in Proverbs encourage us to do this too. We are not wise to spend time with people who love chaos and conflict and when they impose this on your children, it may be time to give yourself some space. When you have tried to communicate with the relatives involved, really respected them, attempted to have healthy relationships to no avail, I believe it is time to seperate. That is not to say that we should not continue to pray for reconciliation, but I believe that somethimes God knows thingsa that are unknown to us, and as Tam stated, ultimately, it is about our relationship with Him, then with our spouse and children. Those realtionships cannot be compromised. I sit here crying reading all these stories, this is not how God intended it to be. BUT the Bible PROMISES that "All things work to the good for those that love the Lord." Let's love Him with our whole hearts and teach our children to do the same.

Nisha - posted on 08/11/2009

Aye i know the feeling and really it used to hurt but no more , i decided to let it go. they dont like me they dont like my children , its okay , Jesus Loves me and i aam blessed and they cant stand the fact that i am blessed. they have hurt me once too many times and have used me once too often , now i like not seeing them or hearing from them. I just feel sorry for my husband cos he still has the illusion that they care about him even though it is just when they want something from him. Anyway the bible says that daughter in law will rise up against mother in law so i really pretend they dont exist because i was not wise enough to pray that i marry an orphan when i was a child....

Stacey - posted on 08/11/2009

Wow I had no idea how many mother's are dealing with the same thing I am. My father in-law has seen my 18 month old maybe twice since he was born and hasn't seen much of my 3 year old either. Instead of bringing gifts by to our kids they drop them off to my husband at work. I wish I knew why they disliked me so much. It hurts my husband greatly. He has had a hard time. His younger brother is favored over my husband and it is so sad. They have done bridal showers for my hubbby sister in-law and both parents went to their wedding and now a baby shower and have shown no interest in my hubbys children. When our little girl was born they bought her boy clothes things blue and green. That hurt my hubby very bad and he still hurts from all the pain they have and are causing him. I am so thankful to my family who has accepted him in our family and treats him like their own. They are there to have his back anytime and have done so in the past. My two older child ask why my in-laws don't like me and it's hard to know how to explain it when I don't even know. I have not thought of total seperation. We all are in need of prayer in this hard place.

Leila - posted on 08/10/2009

I have been dealing with a simliar sort of sitiuation for the last 4 years now. My husband left us and his family's last words to me were that I must have done something to deserve this fate so...they themselves didn't know what to say and ended up saying the "wrong" thing. It's a self defense mechanism. I believe this strongly. What is it about you or your daughter that they have a problem with? In my case it's just that looking at me and my boys just reminds them of their son's choice to break apart our family. It's so hard for them that they decided to seperate from us completely! My children don't even get a bday card on their birthday anymore! Every chance I get. I write updates for them on what the boys are doing. I send them photos of them. If I see them on skype, I call them for a quick chat. Love them! Show them that you love them and love your daughter and that you need them in your life. I know it might sound ridiculous, but Jesus taught us something valueble...when everything else fails....love your enemies, help them, reach out. Let go of your hurt, pride or any feeling that might be preventing you from loving them. Love is God's way of reaching out and healing a situation... Speak to your daughter...encourage her to see the positive in this whole thing, as there is always something...no matter how small...don't let her stop loving them... Get your husband involved in this reaching out with love mission...Pray that the Lord will speak to their hearts...that is what I have been doing...they sometimes answer my emails and my father in law answered my call once too...it's not much, but I sure feel sooooooo GREAT, cause it'smore than I expected and all the love I have for them I hold tight in my heart...it warms my soul and leaves little room for hurt..

Tam - posted on 08/07/2009

Alexis,

Honey, just wanted to check in on you. ((Hugs)) You're still in my heart and prayers.

Update on situation here...It got really bad last weekend when my husband was out of town and the isolation really got to me. There is more to it, but after praying with a friend I think it might have been the enemy trying to get me to focus on the problems and not God.

At any rate, my husband and I really talked about it. I didn't want him to confront his family because as I said earlier, he is a wise man and it would only create more trouble. But we have been praying and we really talked. I think he finally understood what I meant and where I was coming from. We were able to work it out between ourselves and God so it doesn't matter what the extended family does. If they invite us, great. If not, oh well. What matters is that my husband and I are on the same page and understand things a lot better. He now understands why it hurt and I understand that he wasn't simply brushing the matter away.

Now, there will still be moments, but now that he really understands the root of the issue, we can pray together and draw strength from each other. As long as I remember to go to him before it gets out of hand.

I recently heard a sermon on how hard it is for a rich man to enter heaven. I know, what does that have to do with this? LOL. Hang in there. The minister was talking about how we (in America) are so rich we don't even realize it. And that includes richness of the people in our lives. And how even if it comes down to our family versus Christ, who would we pick? Obviously we love them and want to do everything we can for them, but in the end, it simply has to be Christ. That message really freed me when I thought of it that way. And it freed me a bit more to love them as Christ would without the constant hurt. And when I feel a pang, I stop and pray and remind myself that it's not about them. It's about Him. I'm living for Him, to be with Him. As much as I love them, I simply love Him more and it's time to show it by letting go of the hurt and the pain and trusting Him to take care of our needs.

Anyway, might not be the same for you, but wanted to give you hope in our God. He is good and He does have a plan. Just keep praying for guidance for you so you can know how to handle the situation. You are the only one you can change, and God can give you His outlook.

Hugs & Prayers,
Tam

Tarji - posted on 08/06/2009

Unfortunately had a similar issue . My mom shuns my husband, but wants to have dealings with the kids. Not fair to him or the kids when she is around and the tension is horrible. I agree - separation of the families. Your family unit is more important than any other connection. Focus on that. Their loss. The real issue your husband needs to address with his family. I did, and it was hard. However my mom knows not to cross the line, and is at least respectful of the fact that she is the outsider, not him.

Shala - posted on 08/06/2009

I completely understand what you are saying. My in-laws have never liked me and that affects their relationship with my kids. My in-laws don't know my kid's birthdays. It is sad for my children. This has caused my husband to back away from his parents as well. The i-laws to so much for the neices nad nephews and nothing for my kids. Unfortunatly my mother [assed away last year so this heartless woman is the only grandmother my kids have. We don't talk, call or go see them. They live 5 minutes from our house. When my 12 yr.old was in the hospital a few yrs. ago to have an emergency apendectomy they did not come see him. They daid it wasn't serious and they would come see him when he got home. When my nepherw had the same surgery 2 yrs. ago they rushed right to hospital while he was in surgery. It upsets my kids that their grandparents are like this, but they have accepted it and have live with it. It breaks my heart that they are like this towards my children. I confronted my mother-in-law once about how she acts towrds my kids and she had nothing to say. She has to live with this decision and pray everyday that it ways very heavy on her concience. All I can say is be there for your children and love them all of your heart and it will (in some way) make up for the grandparents not being involved.

Grace - posted on 08/05/2009

It's better if you keep he away from them because if they have ill feelings towards you they may take them out on her unfortunately.

Emily - posted on 08/05/2009

Well...when i was single, before i got married to my hubby..id go above and beyond to take my daughter to all the rest of her bio-dads family who wanted to interact with my daughter..i did the whole greeting card thing for all holidays, i gave gifts..being that her own bio dad didnt get her on a regular basis..it got tiring of trying ..so i made sure that his mom had my phone number to contact me and i never asked her for any necessities as i had the means to take care of those on my own, im well aware of her bio-dad's mom's dislike for me and she wanted him to go back to his sons mom even though they were separated and me and him were together for 5 yrs previous to my getting pregnant. I made it apparent to her bio dad that it was up to him to bring our daughter to his parents so they wouldn't have to deal with me and yet they still choose not to be a part of her life...only thing is now they have two other grandchildren from their other son to which they treat about the same way..so it is what it is..i dont force anything on them and ive stopped trying, its too exhausting, i have a new husband and his family loves my daughter, she has plenty of people surrounding her that show her love and truly want to be apart of her life, and thats what matters to me. Its just amazing how grandparents choose not to be a part of their grandchildrens lives..but they are the ones missing out....

Rita - posted on 08/04/2009

Ok, check the foundation. Have there been words between you and your in-laws that has left them ignoring you? DId they not like you from the beginning...not want their son to marry you? I ask b/c this might be the source of their ignoring you and their grandchild. They just may not like you and choose not to see their granddaughter b/c that would mean interacting with you. Ok...have you and hubbie extended the invitatation for them to visit you or for them to babysit? Maybe they are waiting to be included...asked to be included in their granddaughter's life.





In any case, (1) I agree with another writer here that hubbie needs to step up and address this issue (whatever the issue really is) with his parents. (2) send the in-laws NICE holiday cards, call and send really NICE cards (hardcopy is more personal) on their birthdays, send them pics of their granddaughter...just do it and don't expect a response. (3) this is a teaching/learning moment for your daughter and you...how does she know that her grandparents are apparently favoring her cousins? Don't talk about this in her presence or when she is in ear shod of conversations. Children should be spared from grown-up discussions and negative attitudes. (4) This should be FIRST...PRAY about it all. IF the in-laws do not wish to interact with you or their granddaughter, then so be it. Don't sweat the small stuff. You can not change grown people...they have to decide to make a change. You be a good daughther-in-law, mother and wife and keep it moving. Let the Lord deal with them.

Emily - posted on 08/04/2009

Im no longer with my daughter's biological father, so its a bit different but at the same time i understand. My daughters grandparents on that side are never involved and have never been involved in her life. When i was preg of her, i worked literally one block from his mom who would walk by me as though i was not there, she never showed up to my baby shower and didnt come to the hospital, her dad had to take her by himself to his parents house when she was 3 weeks old. Butt...he had an older son to whom they bend over backwards for to this day. (almost 5 years later)..i currently live out of state from them bc my newly wed husband is military so my daughter doesnt see the favortism, but my husband is getting out of the military soon and we will be moving back. Pretty much this is just in support to know that you arent alone..i try my best to concentrate on my side of the family as much as possible, and i honestly dont know what i will tell her if she ever asks me why her half-brother is treated so much better by that set of grandparents...i think ill let her ask them if the time comes..Best of wishes and God Bless

Misty - posted on 08/04/2009

My former mother-in-law hated me. My former father-in-law wasnt that bad. But what I did was just keep taking my daughter over and keep the talk revolving around her. That is a fairly safe subject. They still dont like me, and my husband and I are going thru a divorce. Unfortunatley for your inlaws they are missing out on the best times with your daughter. Just keep trying. I hate to say it, but that is all you can do. Or if your husband is willing make the ultimatum, him and his family are included or you have nothing to do with them at all. Best wishes

Tamm - posted on 08/04/2009

My only opinion would be to pray about it and let God guide you. Pray also for your family and that their hearts may be changed. Praying for you and your daughter

Jeanette - posted on 08/04/2009

Really??? A 2 yr. old notices some does not like her or someone choses another over her? I'm sorry, but it sounds like these insecurities are trickling down from the parents. Yes, maybe you don't see eye-to-eye with these relatives - that's ok. Never try to force your good company or the company of your innocent, beautiful child onto to someone who does not want to be with you. They are the ones missing out. You are all very special. Seek friends who enjoy you and your children. Let go of the relative rejection - who needs it!

Denise - posted on 08/04/2009

Wow, this problem is HUGE! I too have a similar issue; The grandparents just aren't that active and show favoritism to the younger children or the kids who seem to achieve. I home school and my MIL is against that as an education option – so she is totally distant from any “school” theme. To this I say it is HER loss.

Sarah - posted on 08/03/2009

Similar situation for me. My in-laws live about 7 miles down the road and have only come to see my daughter 2 or 3 times since she was born 3 months ago. We don't go out to their house because they are heavy smokers and don't wish to expose our baby to it, but they know there is an open invitation here. They have my sister-in-laws kids over all the time so they spend way more time with them. I guess in reality they are homebodies and that is making them miss out on their granddaughters life. We are very different people anyway so I guess its not hurting me. But I agree, it is very hard to see your husband hurting!

Yashira - posted on 08/03/2009

wow!! I didnt think there were too many people out there with my same situation. I guess i was wrong my mother-in-law will give her all for my sister-in-laws kids but my son she barely ever sees unless my husband takes him over to her house. I have told my husband how i feel but he wont stand up to her just because shes always been like that i guess i dont take it personal because she is like that with his oldest son. Just put it all in Gods hands and he will surely take care of it..

Laura - posted on 08/03/2009

I am living with the same situation myself, except it is that my in-laws favor other grandchildren over my own. What worked for me? We moved about an hour away, so we have a good excuse to not visit very often if at all. my kids don't miss anything as they have my parents who loved them unconditionally. It has affected my oldest pretty badly, he was a favorite for a while until my husbands youngest sister had children and my son was 'booted' from the favored status, (which I didn't like very much at all and tried to discourage) all grandchildren should be made to feel they are the only one when with a grandparent. My husband still stops in a visits here and there, tho the visits are getting more far apart as time goes on. My sister in law hasn't talked to her own mother in 2 years because of this same situation. God Bless you and he will show you how to handle this situation

Patti - posted on 08/03/2009

Hi Alexis. We, believe it or not, have a similar situation. It was very hard when my boys were younger. We would keep inviting them to certain activities but if they showed which was very very rarely, they were late or didn't stay and they live only maybe two miles away!!! We just loved them enough to cover the hurt and left the our door open.. My boys are older now and they do have a relationship with their grandparents. It isn't like the one they have with my parents but as long as my sweet Blessings are ok with it, then so am I.. If ever you want to chat.. just message me privately..

Regina - posted on 08/03/2009

I feel your pain :( My family lives halfway accross the globe and my husband's family..is difficult in several ways, to put it nicely. We live far from them anyway. I would suggest praying about meeting nice new friends, brothers and sisters in Christ who will look at you as family - in the deepest meaning of the word, since we ARE supposedly one in Christ - and vice versa. Then you can have family-like figures in your children's lives who love and care for them (and vice versa). The past year I've realized that blood relationships often fail us when we need them at most, but our families in God will never fail us if we are all truly in Him..and how much stronger that relationship is. Your children will benefit from it greatly and so will those Godly loving people who play grandparent and aunt, uncle etc. roles in your children's lives. "Blood" family members often cause pain and frustration - I found that the best way is to cut down the expectations and just focus our love, caring, attention on those who care and willing to be open to us. Of course we keep "real" family members in our love and prayers like before, we just...don't depend on them emotionally or in any other way anymore. It helped and still helps in growing closer to one another with my husband and together growing closer to the Lord and His family.

STEPHANIE - posted on 08/03/2009

HI! MY SON AND I FOUND OURSELVES IN THE SAME SITUATION WITH MY BIO-PARENTS, BELIEVE IT OR NOT! IT TOOK A LONG TIME, BUT I DECIDED IT WAS THEIR HORRIBLE LOSS AND I CAN'T CHANGE THEM. THEY WERE NEVER A PART OF HIS LIFE. MY STEP-DAD RE-MARRIED AFTER DIVORCING MY MOM AND HE AND HIS WIFE BECAME THE ONLY REAL GRANDPARENTS HE EVER HAD. AT SOME POINT, YOU WILL NEED TO BE HONEST WITH YOUR PRECIOUS DAUGHTER IN A VERY LOVING MANNER, MOVE ON AND SPEND MORE TIME WITH THOSE THAT LOVE HER UNCONDITIONALLY! MANY PRAYERS AND MUCH LOVE TO YOU BOTH!

Heather - posted on 08/03/2009

Hi,



This is going to sound brutal and even mean, you need to cut the sore out of your life. I have been there, and it was best thing that has happened to our family. I am not going to lie to you, it is hard, and you feel like a peice of is missing. You never get over it, and you cry yourself to sleep sometimes, but you know in your heart and in your soul that you have saved not only your soul, but that of your child and your husband. All I can say is for the heart of your child cut them out, and if the Lord softens their heart, and they come back to Him, and realize the wrongs that they have been comitting, open arms time, but until them the best thing to do is protect your family.

Rose - posted on 08/03/2009

We have a similar situation, my in laws are vicious so we had to cut all contact with them. We have one 9 year old son, however all his grandparents have been dead and buried for years so he never knew them. As I have no family at all we have carefully "adopted" certain friends who understand the situation and who are happy to be surrogate grannies, aunts, uncles, etc. Unfortunately all you can do with your own in laws, I think, is to explain to your daughter that you don't know why her gran behaves like that and then just direct her attention elsewhere. Impress upon her, gently, that she doesn't need a gran who is just tolerating her and just keep away from them. Life is too short to be worrying about why someone doesn't like you, leave them off and live your own life happily. Good luck with it.

Patty - posted on 08/02/2009

Oh how you have gotten me started, two of my three kids dont even know who their dads parents are. They never come by, send cards or gifts, no contact at all due to their own choice. They live 20 minutes away. I asked their grandfather one time, because I felt guilty about not taking them to see them, if we happen to be in the neighborhood if I should stop by and let the kids visit for a few. His answer flabbergasted me and relieved me of all guilt forever. He said that would not be a good Idea since they did not have insurance for that sort of thing. Now how do my eight year old twins deserve that. Its one thing to disown me, but their own flesh and blood. I will never understand. As far as I am concerned they have no grandparents on their dads side.

EmilyBeth - posted on 08/02/2009

I deal with the same issue. We have built close grand parent relationships with friends and "granny and papaw" can join in when it is conveinent. You can't force them to have a relationship with you or them. Sometimes you have to realize that they may be family but they are strangers. Charish those relationships that are meaningful and and teach your child that you don't have to be family to be family.

Lynnette - posted on 08/02/2009

I have the exact opposite situation my inlaws didn't accept my children because they thought they were too young to be grandparents. They have missed out lots and now that my children are grown they don't want too much contact with their grandmother. She loved to make fun of them and this hurt them a lot.

Martha - posted on 08/02/2009

you npray for them and ask GOD to touch their heart .....do me a favor and let your husband know that he and GOD loves them and that is whats most important...enjoy all your children and live

Nikki - posted on 08/01/2009

I have dealt with this in the last year and no matter how old the kids are....it hurts. My in laws have lived in the same town (20 min. or less from us) for the last 9 years and my 3 daughters are their ONLY grandchildren. They've never been an active part of our girls' lives, but it wasn't until Sept. 08 that we were finally told...they don't like kids and they will be better grandparents when the girls are teenagers!!! *Laughing uncontrollably at this point....I proceed to to say...."over my dead body." My children aren't going to know them when they are teenagers. How do you choose not to have anything to do with your own grandchildren? I don't care how far or close you live.....my girls have so much love to share and they don't understand why their Gammy and Gampy don't want to be with them. With almost a year since all of this happened...we have seen my in laws twice....once on Christmas day and just a few weeks ago for my BIL wedding. I have to say that my girls don't ask about them as much as they did at first....now they tell us that they enjoy spending time with people that love them and care about them....and if Gammy and Gampy aren't in that group...it's their loss.
We are doing our best to raise our children according to the Bible. We want them to love everyone and be kind in everything they do...it's just so disheartening when your own family is the source of bad behavior! Good Luck!

Stephanie - posted on 08/01/2009

I totally feel for you. I went through that as a young child my grandparents did everything for my cousins and now that my grandfather is gone my grandmother does everything for my cousin it sucks. Don't do things like tell her they are the ones missing out would be my only advice because as a child you don't care and honestly it does not help. Just let her be sad let her cry and comfort her when she needs it.

Shelly - posted on 08/01/2009

JoAnn,

I don't care what age your children are when they are rejected by thier grandparents it is as good as a death to them...They go through life wondering whats wrong with them...No matter how many times we as parents tell them that it's the other persons lose they still have the feelings of they don't measure up....Thats why I feel it is so important to stess the Love of the Lord to our children from birth. And us it as a learning tool to show them how this is already dealt with in the bible. We as Christians can not allow anyone or anything to detour us from the real prize and thats the Love and Grace of Jesus Christ...All we can do is Love our in-laws the way Jesus loved the church...Why is it that just because they have the title of grandparents do we aford they the right to hurt our children??? Because we are called to turn the other cheek and thats the what we need to teach our children and it doesn't matter what title the hold in that childs life!!!! I know it sounds harsh but as Tam said we don't deserve Gods Love either but he still Loves us and I know personally I have done things in my life that I don't deserve to have his Love but He Loves me regardless and that is what we are called to do...We are to be Christ like...So don't just say it or read it live it!!!

JoAnn - posted on 08/01/2009

I have the same kind of inlaws. My daughter is the only girl on my husbands side. My inlaws informed us, they didn't like girls..... Boy's are more fun. My daughter was luncky. My parents loved ALL the grandkids. Maybe you have an older friend that will love haveing a sub grandchild near by. My daughter is 20 years old. It still hurts her but. But I've always told her. It's their lose.

Brittany - posted on 08/01/2009

Well, as Christian mommies we have the chance to use any situation to Glorify God. I know that at this point you are wondering, where is she going with this? Let me begin with the fact that as a child, my family seemed to "like me the least". My cousins always got better, cooler gifts than me at holidays and birthdays (and I'm not just saying that to be jelous). Example is-my cousin got cute lady bug pjs and my pjs were a nasty maroon color sweat suit outfit and I swear to this day, that they were mens. lol (atleast I can laugh about it now). But looking at the difference of our lives (my cousin and mine), I honestly have the better life. I have an awesome husband (she's "dating"), a beautiful little boy (she just had a little girl out of wedlock), a church family that is there for me (she doesn't attend church) and Most of all-I know Jesus as my Savior (and she's missing out on life's greatest gift!) If I could go back, I'd choose Jesus any day!

Flash forward to present day. My husband and I got married over two years ago and lived with my in-laws for a year (I don't recommend this to any one). Even though we lived with my in-laws, they still did more with my Sister-in-law (she had a 6 year old and twins that were about a year at the time). I was jelous sometimes but not always. I feel that some family members tend to "smother" me (did I spell that right?). My husband and I have moved to Texas with the miltary and the rest of family is still in Ohio. It is hard some days when I wish they could be around (my family and his) but I just surround us with our church family.

But you have to do what is best in your situation. I'd pray about it. Sometimes it's best to put some family members "on the back burner" and let it go for awhile. It's better to not talk than to cause strife. You could mention it to your in-laws that you feel that your daughter is getting less attention from them. But you might just not be seeing the whole situation. Like with my Sister-in-law, she NEEDED her parents because her live- in-boyfriend isn't saved and doesn't always help in ways that he should/could. Grandpa would take the 6 year boy out to eat and such because he didn't always get the attention he needed from his mom and dad (divorces are nasty like that). So this could be the case.

As parents we tend to give more attention to those that need us more. Example: if you have two children and one is sick, you will tend to spend more time and energy with the sick child. This doesn't mean you like the healthy child less, it just means that you are putting your energy and time more towards the sick child. This could be what your in-laws are doing. If they believe that your husband and you are doing a great job raising your daughter, they are going to focus less on her and more on a grandchild that NEEDS more lovin'. What kind of lifestyle do you nephews have?

As far as what to tell your daughter, I'd use this time to Glorify God. I know that she's only two but explain how you are supposed to love family regardless. You will also need to teach her that life isn't always fair. Yet if we are obedient to the Lord, He will bless us with more than we can handle. We serve an AWESOME God! Explain that her grandparents don't love her less but that her cousins NEED grandma and grandpa for extra lovin'. Maybe mention to your in-laws that a "you are special to us" card will help remind your daughter of their love.

Take this time to explain that not every body will treat you right, sometimes even your family. Remind her that it is still better to do the right thing than to do the wrong thing just to please others. Look what happened to Jesus. He was a sinless man and yet he was still hated. I don't see your 2 year old getting saved at this time but you can still talk about salvation with her. That God loves us regardless of what we do (we are supposed to try our best) and we are supposed to love others as Christ loves us. Remember that God sees the big picture while we might only see a few pieces of the puzzle.

Tam - posted on 07/31/2009

Alexis,



I am struggling with this issue right at this moment, on an even deeper level. You see, my SILs were my dearest friends on earth (one has been my best friend for twenty-five years). Since we went back to church they've started shutting us out.



It hurt, but I accepted that I was relegated to mere SIL. But every time I think I'm over it, they do something (I don't even think intentionally) that brings back the raw pain and heartache of losing the only sisters I've ever known.



It is so bad that a mutual friend has been invited in my place to so many functions, and they pretty much blackballed me when another dear friend's husband passed away last week. They called her personally, but had my MIL call me. Then immediately call me back to not put it out on facebook that day because his children hadn't known yet. I cried a lot over that. If they didn't know me well enough after 25 years to know I wouldn't do that, then they don't know me.



However now it has branched out to my daughter as well. My MIL spends time with my boys each week, but hasn't seen my daughter for a few months now, except for five mins here or there when we run into them or drop something off (which has only been once or twice).



My MIL hasn't even gotten my daughter a birthday present, yet takes my SILs kids shopping for almost anything they need or want. She didn't call my oldest son on his birthday and I believe she missed my youngest's birthday as well. His one aunt/godmother didn't call him. I had to message my other SIL to beg her to call him because he was so down about it. That same one is my daughter's godmother and has missed three major events in her life this year and barely talks to her. Last year she insisted that her children get actual presents for their birthdays so they had something to open, then she turned around and gave my sons gift cards. A lot of double standards between their families and ours.



My husband gets frustrated but his attitude is fatalistic. He's of the "why say anything, they won't change" mindset. And I know he's right. But I also feel that he is not being supportive of our own family by basically dismissing this. He's a good strong man and my best friend, but I've had to pray about this continuously because if I let it, it will drive a wedge between us. I refuse to let that happen.



He also asks me, "would you change your course, your walk with God, to make them happy?" And of course, the answer is no, but that doesn't make it any easier.



It's difficult, because on one hand it would be so much easier to completely cut them out of your life, to allow yourself to heal. But if you do that, you are not exemplifying Christ's love and are reducing yourself to their level. But staying on the fringe is damaging to you emotionally and sometimes the heartache for your child's sake is unbearable.



It's definitely difficult to sacrifice your flesh to God's will in this. He would not want us to dishonor our husband's family or even our husbands, so we can't let the enemy win. But it hurts so much. So much.



I've spent a lot of tears on this lately, so I feel your pain. I'll be praying for you and hope if you have a spare moment, you pray for me. Maybe we can find the balance to help us keep our focus on God and not their issues.



Always,

Tam

Michelle - posted on 07/31/2009

As good parents the most important thing next to God, is our children. I am sorry to say I am in a similar situation but with my own sister. Regardless of how she may feel about me, my daughter loves her and remembers all the things they used to do together. I have had to let go and let God be the mediator in this situation. My daughter is the most important thing to me on this earth, and I am extremely protective of her and her feelings. If I had chosen to do it my way, it would have been a disaster in the making. I would have told her she didn't deserve her love. Then I think about how I really don't deserve God's love but he gives it to me freely. Your daughter deserves her grandparents love and thier respect, but it seems to be, they choose not to give it. Your husband needs to ask them why. You may not be able to resolve it this way but you deserve an answer. Pray first and foremost. You cannot control what others do, however you have control over how you respond. If it is thier decision not to include your family, quietly walk away. Then live apart from them. Never forget to pray for them and for reconciliation. God doesn't want this family split, he want's it filled with love and acceptance. One day you may be a fully complete family. To answer your daughters questions tell her the truth. You do not have to go into detail, simply tell her you don't really know why. Tell her she is a wonderful little girl and daughter and that God loves her, you love her, her daddy loves her, and at the age of 2 that will be all the she really needs to hear to know she is loved. I pray for all of you. Just remember everything happens in God's time. and even if this entire family is not healed, God will heal you, your daughter and your husband. You will be able to have the peace that only God can give to continue your lives without them.

Heather - posted on 07/31/2009

I have never been in this situation, but I wanted to let you know that I will pray for you and the everyone involved. I would advise you to pray about it. Look to God to find the correct way to handle this for your family. Talk about it with your husband, and find a solution together.

Shelly - posted on 07/31/2009

Alexis,

If it tears your husband up so bad then it is time for him to stand up to his parents and let tham know what they are doing to HIS child...And the way they are making HIS daughter feel...Completely cutting yourselfs off from her grandparents is wrong. Your husband needs to stand up and defend your daughter with his parents...If this was just a family friend would you allow this behavior??? No!!! Then why would he allow his own parents to treat her in this manner!!! Does nyour daughter have a relationship with your nephew??



The other thing that your husband need to do is stand up for you and let his parents know that you are the womean that he has choose to spend the rest of his life with and they need to except that...They don't need to be your best friend but they do need to treat you with respect and in turn you need to do the same in treating them with respect you may not agree with every thing that they do but you need to keep in mind that they did raise your husband and they did have a hand in who he is today...



Your husband needs to step up and be the head of your household and talk to his parents...I will keep all of you in my prayers and ask the Lord to touch this entire family and open thier eyes to what they are doing to this child....

Anne - posted on 07/31/2009

Hi Ladies, I have to say I have not dealt with this directly. However I occasionally watch the 2 children of one of our oldest daughter's friends. Her mother-in-law is much like what you are talking about.

Please understand I know only what you have written and I am not accusing of you of being unfair. That said have any of you ladies shared your concerns with the grandparents involved? Are they Christians? Do any of your families have another couple that can be "grandparent" stand ins. My husband and I have been sort of "Practice Grandparents" for my 2 little buddies. I say Practice because both of our daughters are single and not moms.

I will keep your families in my Prayers.

Maureen - posted on 07/31/2009

It's your in laws who are losing out the most. I have much the same situation. In fact when my so. Was little and I was stressing as all new parents do. I was working out how to juggle going to work etc. My parents were very quick to offer any help they could. And they were sure to offer to babysit anytime. My mother in law was quick to say. 'don't count on us'. Nice. So I never have. My son had a very close relationship with my parents. My in laws stay alone at their cottage most of the summer we have to bug our son to visit. Hard to get him to stay the night too. When he was younger he would get scared about staying there. He has always been nervous about being away from home. And the in laws wanted him to sleep in a tiny room on first floor because it was convenient for them. There are 3 bedrooms on 2nd floor. They come home wily to do laundry etc. They live very close to us. But unless my husband drags them over they never never stop by or call. Nice huh?

Ashley - posted on 07/30/2009

I dealt with this. Separation of your family and theirs, I think, is the only way to spare her the bad feelings. It's not an easy decision to make.