How do you get over pain someone has caused you in the past?

Heather - posted on 07/17/2009 ( 27 moms have responded )

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Me and my husband have been together our whole lives!! I love him with everything I have. There was alot of pain caused in the past and I was wondering if anyone had any similar situations and what they did that helped them let it go and trust fully again! I am working so hard on it and I know I have gotten much better but there are still those fears. Just let me know what you guys think!! Thanks

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Sonia - posted on 07/18/2009

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Sometimes when we've been hurt so deeply, our thoughts will go back to that over and over. I would like to encourage you and say that I think you have already forgiven him, whatever happened you chose to stay with him. You just need help with the day to day moments when you are reminded of the offense. In my experience I've had to intentionally stop right there and pray about it. Certain things that remind you of it try to stay away from if you can. And also have you and your husband tried the love dare?? Its a book and study guide for marriages.
I also want to point out an ugly truth. Your husband, no matter how much he loves you is still human, he will hurt you, just as you will hurt him. Thats why God needs to come first in our marriages, we put our faith and trust in God. God is the one who promises to always love us and never forsake us, God alone does what he does for our good in mind. One thing that has helped me, in my own marriage is to come to the realization that my husband loves me, but he is only human, he will make bad choices and slip up, but like any other sinner he needs me there for support in seeking to be a man after Gods heart. For me to try my best at not being selfish and thinking about my own feelings. Its hard, b/c sometimes I want to say how dumb can you be? But I take my feelings to God and lay them at his feet and ask that he help me sort them out before I make things worse by lashing out. Anyway, hope this helps.
I can give some verses for you to meditate on if you want them...but right now Im going out for an ice cream cone lol
Good luck Heather

Jennifer - posted on 07/17/2009

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Heather

I agree with Suzanne, We hurt God over and over, we cheat on Him, we use Him but no matter what he is still there with open arms for us! You can forgive anyone for anything but it comes down to is the forgetting part. Something that just came to mind, it is hard to put trust into someone that has put that hurt there, but if you love your husband, then don't allow the devil to enter into your thoughts. Everyday ask that God blesses you with pure thoughts and try to remember the good times when the bad times try to creep in on you! I know easier said than done, but you will be there, in order for your marriage to work, you have got to learn to trust again, especially trusting in him as your husband.

I will keep your marriage in my prayers and will keep you in my prayers that God will soften your heart so you can fully trust again!

Kerry - posted on 07/17/2009

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Since we are on a Christian mommies site, I will say that it is only by the Grace of God that any one of us can get over hurt done to us by anyone. Since you are not saying exactly what the hurt is, I will say that know matter what it is, even infadelity, God can help you to get past it. I will say that you can not allow someone to walk all over you, but if you love this man and you both want your marriage to last, then you need to have open communication and the trust has to come back. You can Pray and ask God to help you. I Pray everyday for a hedge of protection, not only around my husband, but around our marriage. I was having some issues here a couple of weeks ago, with an old issue and made up my mind to trust My Lord. It says to ask and He will deliver. So I ask for a solid marriage, and to be able to forget the past. I have forgiven, but the forgetten is the hard part. Hope this helps. I will keep you and your marriage in my Prayers. Take care and God Bless

Kerry

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Carla - posted on 08/11/2012

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Ezekiel--at the top of this page you will see 'all communities' , then 'Christian mommies'. Click on Christian Mommies and it will take you to our topic page. There are many, many women out there struggling with this. You will find stories from people, like me, who have been through the fire and overcome. I don't know if you are a Christian, or if you are just searching, but in this community we have found out that we just absolutely couldn't have gotten over the past without Jesus and the Power of the Holy Spirit. If you do not know Him, I would urge you to call out to Him. He is right there, waiting for you to reach out to Him. Confess your sins, and accept Him as the Savior of your life. If you allow it, He will give you a new heart and give you love to overcome all the pain. Good luck, honey.

God bless

Ezekiel Damar - posted on 08/10/2012

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well me and my girl been off an on together and she had sex with 3 people how do i get over the pain i want it to work but then again i dont think it will because how i fill how do i cope with it

Julie - posted on 07/21/2009

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Therapy, counseling together, and apart with a good christian therapist. Group therapy for several years. I am going on year 2 of weekly therapy. Joining a group therapy about unresolved emotional traumas at a local church. LOts of prayer, and reading through lots of different books and cds.

Tammy - posted on 07/21/2009

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These are all great answers, but I'm assuming you are wanting to know how to forgive, by faith what does that mean? When you have communion what do you do? You search your heart... Now do it this way, Lord I hurt and I am not able to let it go but
you are able to take it from me. So by faith I give it to you...and I ask You to remove the fear also Lord. Help me to be the wife you've called me to be, help me in my short comings and to be a blessing to my husband make our love new again. Renew a right spirit in us. How can I build from this issue that we've faced? Lord give me insight to do it your way and I know our marriage will be blessed.... See God can only work where one of you have made the decision to change if both are waiting on the other history will repeat itself. Be the bigger person make some purpose changes. Love ya Tammy

Savannah - posted on 07/21/2009

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I have the same issues with my husband. I love him very very much but when I think back on all the things he put me through I sometimes wonder why I married him. To be honest I sometimes think that if it was going to be this agonizing I would not have married him at all. he is a manager of 3 stores and is gone a lot and all his workers are female, so of course it stresses me out at times. I have to remind myself that I married him knowing out past so it isn't fair to hold it against him.

I also have to remember that people change. I used to be a gothic satanist and look at me now! I'm a christain mom who loves color and the Lord and all the beautiful things God made. I made a complete polar shift and I know how rotten and troubled I was and I have none of those problems now. I mean, I struggle with some things but I am winning the fight. If I can change as much as I have, I know that he is capable of changing as well. He is a wonderful man. He can't be held accountable for the rest of his life for the stupid things he did as a kid. It's the man he is now that matters. And he's a good one.

Hope this helps. Just pray a lot when you are feeling that way. That's what helps me. And then I call him, and he's not doing anything wrong. He's just watching TV in his hotel room and I feel like an idiot.

It'll be okay. DOn't know if it will ever go away completely. I've been waiting for the 3 years of our marraige for it go away. It hasn't. But is has gotten soooo much better.

Di - posted on 07/21/2009

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Hi Heather. My thoughts and prayers are with you. This is how I deal with it. I find a quiet place and centre myself in God. Then I ask God to forgive the person who has done me wrong and I ask God to bless them. I then hand it all over to Him and let it go. Whenever it comes into my head after that, I quickly remind myself that I cant have that back because it belongs to God now. When I first heard of using this technique to heal when you have been hurt, I took a backward step and said, hey thats not right, they are the ones who did the wrong thing, why should they be blessed? I really struggled with this but after much practice I can now do it freely. I am so glad I perservered because I truly believe I am now living what Jesus said 'Love your enemies'. Good luck and may God bless you and your marriage. I hope you find healing.

Lisa - posted on 07/20/2009

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Im not sure if this will be of any help to you but I pray that it does, as it has helped me. My husband and I were together a total of 16yrs, we seperted 2yrs ago and divorced 9 months ago. He was in and out the 2yrs minus the past few weeks. This was after he took our son on a nine day vacation I knew nothing of (a Mothers worst nightmare) I had no idea our son would be away from me that long. He was also sneaking our sons clothes out of our house, which may I add, that he had been staying at the week before. As he had me believing that we were working things out. Any ways, since the nine days supposably in Florida, Im still not positive this is where they were. He will not answer our sons phone calls, he text messages our son and tells him to call and he does and Daddy dont answer, well I stopped that. im sure this is his ploy to punish me a little more. Im not sure if you are saved by grace or not. But just as God washed all of our past away, he wants us to wash everyone elses past away as well, as He tells us to be Christ like. I know the other party may or may not be. But this is what God tells us to do. God has given me a peace that I thought only existed in fairy tales. Months ago had these things happened to me I would have fallen apart. When I am experiencing a bad moment, minute, hour or whatever, I look to the Lord for his wisdom his stregnth and his will. He NEVER forsakes us or turns His back on us, if anything we do that to him. God bless you and I will pray for you.

Asia - posted on 07/20/2009

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I have endured alot with a painful past, and finally came out of the grey to the sunshine. I leaned on God, only God alone can heal you, your thoughts, your fears, and lead you to forgiveness that only explained by Gods grace. To let go of the past, and enjoy each new day your given. It can be done,,but not in your strength. Only in His, pray every day, pray in the car, pray in the grocery store, pray in your thoughts, ask God for help, ask him for healing, ask him to teach you to forgive and let go, ask him to set you free, so you can enjoy the moments, Gods desire for a family is marriage, a union of two people held together by GOD.

I am single divorced mom, I made a lot of mistakes, but through God, I have been able to let go of my past, forgive myself, and the other person involved. I am truely content with my life now, and happy, which amazes me every day.

My children are able to see us each work together to provide time with each parent, and can do so w.o. drama or snide remarks.
God is truly amazing, I know if you let him, he will change your life forever, even the hard unimaginable past.

Julie - posted on 07/20/2009

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First of all, I would need to ask if you are a born again believer.....A Christian? A lot of people want to say yes.... but let me just say that A Christian is someone that has ask the Lord to come into their heart and forgive them of their sin. Make Him Lord of their life......A complete U-TURN of how they were living.
If you have done this ........Then I can share this! If you haven't ...Well, what I'm about to share with you wouldn't help any way!

First, Let me say AS A CHRISTIAN......You have to forgive others if you want to be forgiven yourself.....Yes, it's hard but you CAN do it. You also want to forgive him or you wouldn't be asking how...so that's a great sign.

Hurt is another name for offense.......It's from the enemy and it can make you sick. It can cause all kinds of sickness in your body. That's one reason you HAVE TO GET RID OF IT!

Our words are life or death... The power is in the tongue! God made this world by speaking it into being. We can do the same thing. Every time you know fear is around, or on you. Speak to it and tell it to go back to the pit of hell where it came from. EVERY TIME YOU FEEL IT.....EVERY TIME YOU FEEL IT!! You will soon be able to tell a change.

SPEAK THOSE THINGS THAT AREN'T AS IF THEY ARE.....Which means you say for example thank you God that I have the best husband... He's faithful to me and our marriage.....He looks at no one beside me (YOU) he has no desire for no one beside me(YOU) Thank you God that he's a hard worker...thank you God just keep speaking those things that HE NEEDS TO BE....THAT IS WHAT YOU SPEAK!!! WHILE YOU ARE PRAYING.....And when you talk to him .....ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS LIFT HIM UP!!!!

I wish so much that I knew this while I was married......God has really blessed me and my girls by being in a church that teaches you this type of stuff. The Enemy is out to KILL, STEAL AND DESTROY........That would include your marriage, your health etc. So anytime you feel or see something coming your way...learn to get rid of it by your words!

Pray over your house every so often the atmosphere changes.....by the way you speak and act in your house... Put worship music on and let it play all the time and the word. I PROMISE YOU WILL FEEL A CHANGE..... Also remember that satan will make you doubt your husband.....make you wonder whats he's doing a lot of that comes from fear. Be Blessed!! If you want to talk more. Add me as a friend!

Kimberly - posted on 07/20/2009

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Continue to pray and ask God to give you strength. He said he will heal those of a broken and contrite spirit. I had a situation that took what seemed to be a looooong time for me. If the enemy tries to bring these hurts up again when I'm in the midst of the people/person who has hurt me, I remind him that greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world, and that I am to cast all my cares upon him, he careth for us. I guess what I'm really saying is along with prayer, I used my greatest weapon, the word of God!
Have a blessed day,
Kimberly Forbes

Rebekah - posted on 07/20/2009

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My husband and I renewed our vows with each other. And we decided to have that as our new start between ourselves and God. We forgave each other and gave each other clean slate. No longer could we bring up the past, but we had to move forward. That helped us a lot! :)

Soncierea - posted on 07/19/2009

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You need to forgive and ask God to help you forget. God casts our sins as far as the East is from the West into the Sea of forgetfulness and He never remembers them any more. The enemy likes to do that, but he is a liar and the Father of lies. Don't let him steal from you any more. Pray and ask God what He wants you to do in your situation and then do it.

Melissa - posted on 07/19/2009

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My husband and I have had problems in the past and the best way we found was counseling with the preacher at our church. We needed to know there was someone working with us to help keep us together. We also needed to know we were worth saving as a couple. We have been married for 15 years and have 3 kids, but we really didn't know each other before we got married, unfortunately religion came later in our marriage. We learned to listen to each and that meant actually shutting up and being quiet while the other spoke and then waiting a full 15 seconds before we responded so we know the other heard. Sometimes it hurt but we needed to hear it and to get it out because we know the grass isn't greener on the other side and our kids deserve to grow up living with both their parents and with parents who genuinely love and care about each other. This took some time on my part to learn to trust my husband again and get over all the past hurt but you do when you are both committed to it and when you spend your time together and with your church family. It may be a cliche but the church helped same my marriage and taught me that the past is in the past, don't dwell on it and quit bringing it up or you will never get through it, but also you must not forget but you must forgive to move on.

Cathi - posted on 07/19/2009

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Heather,
This for sure is one of many very difficult things we as women and humans could possibly struggle with. All the advice here I believe is spoken from God's design to walk in a fear free, un-tortured lifestyle.I use the word "un-tortured" because of my personal experience with something that I know God spoke to me personally.

When I was 4 months pregnant with my first child I was raped by a man who was a distant cousin of my then husbands family. It was a very bad situation, yet I was not living my life right. It wasn't until nearly 2 years later I submitted my life to God fully.
From that night I struggled with nightmares on every level possible, lived in fear and couldn't talk much. I was known as the "mute" because I just completely closed down.
Two years later (yes, the nightmares were still present) I gave my heart to Jesus and begged Him in my prayers to help take away the nightmares and let me be free.

Yes, after a few months they dwindled down but they were still there. Then, God spoke to me in a message of forgiveness. I had to find it within myself to forgive the man who did those terrible things to me, of which I did. At the point that I let it go and walked in forgiveness, I was released and have not had a night mare about this since. That was 13 years ago.

My whole point in sharing that experience is to bring about a perspective of forgiveness. Whether it's because of a friend or family member hurting you, or a spouse who cheated or abused you, (which I have been through that as well)-- if we will just give up the right to punish those who do wrong to us, we can walk in freedom of that hurt and torture.

Read as much scripture on forgiveness and ask God to reveal the power of forgiveness to you.

Hugs~

Elga - posted on 07/18/2009

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Romans 12:1,2 Be transformed by the renewing of your mind...be a living sacrifice...Not easy to do but with God, through Christ, we can be able to live in the Spirit and thus please God. Everytime you think of the hurt or the enemy brings it to rememberance, ask God to give you His peace and forgiveness towards the one who hurt you. How different it is when we give our burdens over to the one whose burden is easy and whose yoke is light...nothing can prepare us for dealing with sin. As believers we struggle and this is our battle. God is the only one who can change a

Veronica - posted on 07/18/2009

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Wow, Heather you have recieved some GREAT advise from some PHENOMENAL women of GOD... I read through each one and felt the love and support, like I did when I was in a similar situation as yourself...



Like others have stated, I'm not sure what the situation is and don't really need to know any details to simply state, "Let Go and Let God". When those negative thoughts try to take resident, turn to God and call out his word in which he stated that we should cast all our cares on him. Psalms 55:22-23... Trust me, I've experienced many heart/soul aches in my life and he has been the one sustaining force to see me through it all.



Don't allow the enemy to play games with you, especially when you have confessed to have forgiven the trespass that was bestowed towards you. You have truly forgiven, when no matter what comes your way concerning your trespassor, you can still delight in what God sees in that individual and allow DADDY (our heavenly father) to take it from there...



Keep loving and living victoriously according to God's riches and glory for you in your marriage! You are more than covered in his grace and mercy. The enemy knows that you two are a force to be reckoned with, therefore he is going to toy with your mind, every chance he gets, but you will be more than a conqueror... I AM A WITNESS!!! :-)

Heather - posted on 07/18/2009

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Thanks to everyone. Everything is in the past but I find myself slippin and feeling upset about it sometimes! Thanks for all the advice!! God is good and will help me!!

Heather - posted on 07/18/2009

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Give it to God. Pray about it. You have gotten so much great advice I don't think that I can add to it, but I wanted you to know that I will be praying for you.

Shelly - posted on 07/18/2009

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Heather,

First off we are called to forgive, you need to learn from it and move on...I'm guessing from the way you posted this there was an affair in the mix...And if thats the case then you chose to save the marriage and work on it and in that you chose to not use it as a weapon, You chose to FORGIVE the affair so put it in the past because if you choose to hold on to it then all you are going to do is damage your marriage...Give it to God and leave it there quit taking it back as long as you keep taking it back then you have not truely forgiven him...It's time to let go and let God!!! My girlfriend just gave me a really good suggestion on this. She suggested that you write down in pen what it is that you can't forgive in pen write it all down every bit of it then take it and say a prayer over it asking the Lord to take this from your heart and then burn it light it on fire and watch it disapear...She said she did this with stuff that she was have problems she couldn't forgive herself of and she said that the feeling of it being lifted from her was amazing!!! Try it you never know it could realy release you from the pain you are holding on to!!!

Tam - posted on 07/17/2009

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You've been given some great advice!

Let me just add that I had carried bitterness and fear and anger in my heart over someone that hurt me and looking back now, I lost out on so much while they moved on. If I had simply given it over to God, it would have been much better for me in the long run.

Do I still struggle with it? Sure. The difference now is that I can nip it in the bud by prayer and the peace that God gives.

I'm praying for you and your husband and hope that God moves in miraculous ways for both of you, to heal the past and allow the two of you to really experience the covenant marriage you were meant to have. :)

((Hugs)) & Prayers

Gloria - posted on 07/17/2009

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First let me say this hon, fear is from the enemy, it is faith reversed........believe me I've been there, You want to let go, "BUT" the fear of it happening again, I had hurt that I've kept inside for a looooooooong time, and I used to ask myself why am I not happy with myself? but no postive answer would come out........but when I asked God for help, He immediatelly showed up and, and He helped me to forgive Myself first and then move on.........What I'm trying to say here is, Give it to God let Him handle whatever it is, b/c after you've done all you can, You just stand, and endure for God has the purpose and He's got the plan. You just need to step out the way and watch Him work on your behalf.
I'll be praying for you hon :) hope this'll help some......
Wish you all the best!

[deleted account]

I haven't had that with my husband, but I have with people I've thought are friends. One in particular, it's been very difficult to get passed the past. It's always in the back of my mind, will she do it again? I've had to pray very hard and allow the spirit to work in me when I see her. I have to constantly redirect my thoughts when I think of her, otherwise I'll dwell in my hurt and not be very loving. :P I have to get past my pain and still converse with her just as I had before, and commit myself to restoring our relationship. Unfortunately, the consequences of hurt is that it'll always be in the back of your mind, that's why it's so important to think of our actions before we do them, because we can't take them back. Letting go, I don't know if that's really the right phrase, I'd say it's more moving past. Allowing yourself to trust again, knowing that the only reason it's worth it is your love for them, and it's what you want to do, even if there will always be that reminder and even that possiblity of it happening again. I think that's what we should take from God, because even though we've hurt him, time and again, and will continue to do it, he always continues to love us because he's committed to us, he won't ever leave or forsake us no matter what, even if it's the worst.

[deleted account]

I haven't had that with my husband, but I have with people I've thought are friends. One in particular, it's been very difficult to get passed the past. It's always in the back of my mind, will she do it again? I've had to pray very hard and allow the spirit to work in me when I see her. I have to constantly redirect my thoughts when I think of her, otherwise I'll dwell in my hurt and not be very loving. :P I have to get past my pain and still converse with her just as I had before, and commit myself to restoring our relationship. Unfortunately, the consequences of hurt is that it'll always be in the back of your mind, that's why it's so important to think of our actions before we do them, because we can't take them back. Letting go, I don't know if that's really the right phrase, I'd say it's more moving past. Allowing yourself to trust again, knowing that the only reason it's worth it is your love for them, and it's what you want to do, even if there will always be that reminder and even that possiblity of it happening again. I think that's what we should take from God, because even though we've hurt him, time and again, and will continue to do it, he always continues to love us because he's committed to us, he won't ever leave or forsake us no matter what, even if it's the worst.

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