How to handle a difficult mother-in-law

Rebecca - posted on 08/23/2012

Father, please grant Rebecca and her husband oneness. Help them to understand each other. Give them wisdom on how to relate to her mother- in- law.

Andrea - posted on 08/22/2012

You and your husband need to sit her down and flat out tell her, she is not the head of your house hold, you and your husband are united. Let her know she has done a great job of raising her children, but she needs to step back and allow you two to run your home. If she wants to see the grandchildren more, why can't she drive over to your home every other weekend? It's not always up to you to take them, you could be busy, but at the same time, if your not, unless I missed something, you could have her watch them over night then you and your husband can spend the time together alone. As for her going up to see the baby after she was told not too, well, its a bit late to be complaining about it, its over and done with, let it go. Just make sure she understands that you requested she not go up for a reason, not to be mean, but to allow your family ( husband, yourself and other children) the time to be with the baby or if he was sleeping, then he needed to have the rest.

Carla - posted on 09/28/2011

I was reading back through the posts and read Linda N's post. Yes, maybe as women we DO overreact a little, but if we presented a united front WITH our husbands leading, this would probably not be an issue. HUSBANDS: Lead your household! I repeat, husbands, lead your household! Mother may be head of HER household, but YOU are the head of yours, and you will NOT tolerate the upheaval she wants to bring to your home. The wife should be able to rest assured that her husband has her back. And vice versa. DON'T go to your mother, ladies, and tell her what a whack job you are married to, then expect your mother NOT to be on the offensive! Mothers are there to give advice, when asked, but simply DO NOT (or should not) want to know the ins and outs of your household! If we went to God with our problems with our spouses, our marriages would benefit greatly.

Mothers are naturally bossy. Comes with the territory. But once we become mothers-in-law, we MUST keep our noses to home. Boss your own house if you must, but let your children learn by their own mistakes! I know the best lessons I learned were through making terrible mistakes, but boy, I learned them well, and didn't make THAT mistake again! But if mil's darling son would sit her down and tell her he appreciates that she is watching out for him, but he is a grown man now, and needs to take care of his own home, I bet she would back off. In the flesh, I would LOVE to go into my childrens' homes and rearrange, schedule, discipline and set rules, but, the Spirit tells me to stay home and take care of my business. When the children come to me with problems, the first thing I tell them is the same thing I tell you here, pray, and fast, if it's a really hard thing. I have learned, even in the last couple years, to keep advice to a minimum, and let the Spirit tell them. It's working much better. Who knew, huh? lol

God bless, sweethearts, I know it's rough.

Trish - posted on 09/27/2011

MIL...my advice try not to get so upset. You need to try and look at things from her perspective as well. MILs are from a different generation. And even though they are annoying they have good intentions. I know my MIL doesn't like me...it's a fact. But I love her regardless. If it wasn't for this lady...I wouldn't have my husband..and we wouldn't have our baby. No one is perfect and as people we need to put up with each other. That's the Christian thing to do. Plus in the future when your kids get married and their partners think you're a wack MIL...how would you want them to treat you? Don't sweat the small stuff and if she's saying annoying stuff it's only words. Don't let negativity rule this relationship with your MIL...No one lives forever and if you want a good relationship with MIL make the effort.

Sometimes as women we overreact...and make small things huge. I wish you luck and hope things get better for you.

Carla - posted on 09/24/2011

@Rebecca Glantz, let us know how you are doing.

Rebecca - posted on 09/24/2011

Father please give wisdom to Rebecca and her husband in this situation. May they know your mind and be willing to submit to you.

Angela - posted on 09/23/2011

Teresa is 100% right. All you have to do now is convince your husband!

Teresa - posted on 09/22/2011

Your husband needs to stand up for you and you marriage. He may not see the need being that's his mother. Remember hat you are the mother and she has to play nice to see her grandchildren. I wouldn't let my kids stay with someone that didn't respect me, I am my kids' first defender. She's not getting to them unless through me. That is not to be spiteful but by her actions, she is apparently a bit immature ans selfish. I know that i have the end say of where my child goes and who he sees. I have not had to pull that card but it is kind of obvious. Otherwise, I would not care what she posts on facebook or anywhere. I didn't marry her, and her son, your husband, knows something is wrong there. He'll get it eventually.

Rebecca - posted on 09/22/2011

Help Rebecca today to have your wisdom in this situation. Help her to extend love and forgiveness to her mother-in-law, as you have loved and forgiven her.

Teresa - posted on 09/12/2011

I had one of them 44 years ago.I told her right to her face I was marrid to her son and not her..She to was alway in our marrage that I felt married to the family and not just my late husband.after 13 years of take her stuff from her and the whole family I left the marriage.but what you should do is call for a family meeting and tell her at this meeting that its your and your husband life and not her's.That when you and your husband tell her something to please do it and not try to take things into her hands for she is only the grandma and the mom .God be will you and may God show you the path.

Josslyn - posted on 08/16/2011

I feel your pain dear, just know you are the woman in your household and you need to stand your ground....no matter what others say or if they like it or not!

Rebecca - posted on 08/14/2011

Father, please protect Rebecca's marriage. Help her and her husband to live in oneness. Help them to understand each other. Let nothing come between them.

Katie - posted on 08/14/2011

Well.. of course pray for her. And not just pray for her to stop being who God made her to be, but pray that you will be able to see her through God's eyes. That being said.. boundaries. Boundaries will be hard to set if your husband isn't in agreement. So, if there is no possibility of setting boundaries, then you need to serve her. As Christians we are to be Christ-like as it says in Ephesians 5:1-2. If she is not a believer, all the more reason to reach out to her and show her Christ's love. If she is a believer, we are to be unified as the body of Christ. I had issues with my step-mother-in-law and after 5 years of not getting along, I finally emailed her from Korea and just plainly said, "I know that we haven't gotten along since before I married into the family, but things have to change and I'd like to try to change them." Wow did that email open the floodgates. Our parenting style was different (their kids are our kids' age), our thoughts on life are different, but the one and only thing we had in common was our passion, love, and desire to seek after God. Find a common ground and build from there. Not saying you have to be best friends with her, but maybe there is miscommunication between the two of you and sitting down with an open mind, not getting defensive, will help to mend the relationship. I hope that helps! Be encouraged! I have to say, my smil and I have a good relationship. There are still things that we agree to disagree on and there are boundaries set for the both of us, but we respect each other and we both know that we are children of God and that unity comes above all other things between us. Sometimes it's you that needs to make that first step, no matter how you feel about her right now...

Alicia - posted on 08/14/2011

Pray, Pray, Pray

Rebecca - posted on 08/13/2011

Father, help Rebecca to love her mother in law by faith. Help her to see with your eyes.

Linda - posted on 08/11/2011

I wasn't going to answer this because my MIL was so concerned about not interfering, we sometimes wondered if she even liked us! :) She was a great MIL. However, I want to second the recomendation to attend the Weekend to Remember Conferences that FamilyLife puts on--they are wonderful. The situation with your MIL would be bearable if your husband was on your side, which he should be. Your marriage has to come first, before anything else. You guys need to be a TEAM together--with your parents, with his parents, with the kids, with the world.

Rebecca - posted on 08/10/2011

Father, let Rebecca rejoice in the love and knowledge of you today.

Carla - posted on 08/10/2011

@Brook, it's VERY difficult being a mil ;) I firmly believe that at the wedding ceremony a roll of ceremonial duct tape ought to be given to each mother and a pretty cushion to put on the floor to pray over the children. We know how difficult marriage can be, prayer is what is needed, not condemning! We didn't get our marriage in order until we had been married 30 years! Why would I think my kids are going to do any better?

God bless and help us all!

Rebecca - posted on 08/09/2011

Father, please touch Rebecca and her family today. Please bring a peaceful resolution to this situation.

Brook - posted on 08/09/2011

Just a little sidenote for future reference: If you have a son, remember how you felt during this time and strive to be the best MIL you can be. I actually have kept a journal of what not to do or say and hopefully my future DILs will appreciate it! :-)

Brook - posted on 08/09/2011

I will defintely be praying for ALL of you! I, too, have been in a very similar situation with my MIL. We battled back and forth for over 8 years. She still wanted her little boy and wanted to do everything for him like he was still a child. She would be hateful when I was around or gripe if I wasn't. She LOVED to post all her feelings on FB. I asked her repeatedly to call me directly instead of doing that, but she liked the attention she received from her "friends". She would also include my SILs, who would then get mad at me because she was upset, nevermind she created the problem to begin with. We would have a blow up and then things would be okay for a while. The blow ups got more frequent and the okay periods got much shorter. It got to the point where my husband would go visit and take the kids, and I would stay home alone just so I didn't have to deal with her. I prayed and prayed about the situation. I tried to take everything with a grain of salt and blow off the snippy remarks. The more I ignored, the worse it got. Finally, I had had enough and refused to live a miserable life any more. It wasn't that my husband didn't see it or even agree with me about her behavior, he is just one of those people who tries to please everyone all of the time. Even though he thought that was best, it actually made it much worse. I first sat him down and told him everything I felt, even though he had heard it all before. I told him I could no longer live that way and that he had to either stand up for me or for her. After our discussion, we had a face-to-face with both his parents. I let her say all she wanted and then I said what I wanted. My husband and I TOGETHER told them that if things did not change, they wouldn't be seeing either of us or our children. She was very angry with me for making him choose between his wife and his mother, but I told her that by acting the way she did, she was the one forcing a choice. I think the fact the my husband finally chose a side (for lack of better wording) really made a huge impact and she realized just how serious it had become. Her negativity and spitefulness was affecting our marriage and our kids. It simply could not go on any more. Thankfully, things have been much different since then. It started slowly getting better and now I think she really thinks about things before she says them and doesn't look for reasons to be upset all the time. And she only posts positive things on FB now. There will still be little things I'm sure, but I try to overlook them because I truly feel that she is trying.
Until your husband is willing to support you, the situation is probably not going to change any time soon. Pray for him and WITH him so that you may both find peace. I know it was very hard for my husband to stand up to his mother, but when he did, it made all the difference in the world. He doesn't have to be mean or disrespectful, just honest and matter of fact. Pray for her as well, that her heart may be softened and the two of you can have a good relationship, for the sake of your husband and yourselves. And pray for yourself to be able to overlook the small stuff and make the best of the situation that you can.

Tamara - posted on 08/08/2011

I may be way off because I don't know the details of how bad it is for you, but maybe there is some way of meeting in the middle since this is a fight for control. You could try and meet with you MIL alone and try to calmly talk it out. let her know that you want to work it out and that you realize it is a power struggle between the two of you and that you want to work something out so that you both can be happy and love each other as Mother and Daughter. You would not have your wonderful children if it weren't for her and hopefully that will be reason enough to try and make it work. I don't feel that your husband can really solve the problem (it is between your MIL and you) :-( I will be praying because this doesn't sound like a fun things for you. If you humble yourself before her and pray about it I think it can be solved.

Zelda - posted on 08/08/2011

One more thing, it is easier being the mother of the mother then the mother of the father. Just saying I am living it.

Zelda - posted on 08/08/2011

I am a MIL. It is hard for us to not see our grandchildren. I try to see my new first grand daughter once a week. If I am not able to see them then I just simply put them in prayer. My daughter in law gets frustrated with me because I tell her I can't hover over her and the baby, they are a family. If you are a Christian try putting yourself in her shoes. Would you want to be left out of your grand children's lives? But yes, there needs to be boundaries. I ask my DIL what she expects from me. The thing is I give them up in prayer a lot and bite my bottom lip a lot. Maybe to ease her complaint issues you could make a weekend visit every other week or something. I too have to go over if I want to see my grand daughter, maybe if you all made the effort, she might stop complaining. You could always unfriend her on FB if need be.

April - posted on 08/08/2011

hi,
I have the same mil that you are describing.... maybe worse. she has thrown christmas presents at me and attempted to slap me in front of the entire family for saying literally nothing except hi. Its been a huge battle and it was REALLY hard on my marriage. I had so much bitterness in my heart about her and I just didnt know if i could take it any more at some points.
My husband reacted about the same as yours did. He would defend her and do nothing about it. Which was worse to me than all of the things that she did.
Finally we went to a marriage conference and they did a session on in-laws and thats when everything started to change. He realized that he was wrong in how he was dealing with his parents and decided to set up boundaries. Its been really hard and not perfect, but if we hadnt gone to that conference, I dont know where we would be. It was called a weekend to remember, and they have them all over the US if you are interested and can talk your husband into it.
Also, the best advice that I have gotten about dealing with his parents (who arent christians) was that I cant expect them to act towards me like Christ would want them to, but I still have to act toward them like I need to. It sometimes feels like taking a beating and everything inside of me goes against it, but in the end they arent going to go away and we are responsible before Christ to do what is right. Our relationship with them is still strained (mostly in my heart, but i keep my mouth closed now) and I just pray that God will direct my husband to do the right thing in the situation.
I really wish you the best, and I know the healing of those relationships starts with you and not them.

Rebecca - posted on 08/07/2011

O Father, thank you that you understand everything going on in Rebecca's family. I don't know what the answers are, but I thank you that you do. Please give her wisdom. Please give everyone involved understanding and compassion.

Angela - posted on 08/07/2011

Rebecca, you're in my prayers. I've been married twice, I'm really happily married to my husband now but my former husband, well, let's just say it wasn't a marriage made in Heaven! But I must admit, both mothers-in-law were/are wonderful. I've never had a bad mother-in-law! So I don't know or really understand the extent of what you're suffering.

However, I have many friends and associates who DO get a hard time from their mothers-in-law. The common element seems to be a husband who is NOT fully defending and supporting his wife and prefers to keep his mother happy instead of taking a stand for the good of his wife and his marriage.

You need to discuss this with your husband, seriously! He's not his mother's little lad anymore, he's a married, family man with responsibilities to his own wife & family BEFORE anything else, including regard or deference to parents etc ...

Wilma - posted on 08/06/2011

You and your husband need to sit down and calmly talk about this. BOTH have to come to an agreement. Face your mother-in-law together and tell her excatly how you feel. Set your rules and stick with them. Do this in a kind but firm way. If your husband agrees with you and stands up for you, this can be solved. He probably respects his mother and doesn't want to hurt her. You are his wife and you come before his mother.

Lorraine - posted on 08/06/2011

I always say i am married to him not his mother and he is married to me not my mother. I keep this in mind and i pray a lot for the relationship between both of us and our parents. My mother is very pushy and trys to tell us how we should bring up our children and it is nice to have suggestion but she says it pretty demanding.



I guess the differnce is i do not put up with it and tells her about it so my husband knows he have my support.



You just need to keep praying especially for your husband because it will get better if he stand up to her.



I will aslo pray for you and this situation.

Kelsey - posted on 08/04/2011

I do not always agree with my mil. She is pushy, but I have come to undertand that is just her nature, its all of that side of the family's nature. She adores my children and takes them often and babysits so I can attend school again. They are not selfish people, but boy do they get on nerves! She is constantly over feeding my kids and letting them snack at all hours of the day but I have to remind myself the good she does for this family and try to have patience with her as well. Pray, Pray, Pray!!!!!!!! It sounds like your case of mil is worse than mine, but if she can't learn to respect you and yours then something has to be done. I agree with Carla, your hubby needs to step up here. Good Luck!

Carla - posted on 08/04/2011

Well, I think I'll quit praying for you and start on your husband! Is he a Christian? If so, you need to have him read about a husband's role in the household. The hierarchial role is God, Husband, Wife. God covers the household AS the husband covers it. Peter said if a husband isn't treating his wife as is commanded, his prayers will be hindered. Doesn't say that to the wife, just to the husband. Food for thought. Paul also said the husband is to make sure the family's physical and spiritual needs are met, and that the wife is happy. I am in the middle (or more towards the start) of doing a men's study of their role in the home. I have been reading the Talmud, which is the rabbi's writings on life. They say it is the husband's duty to make sure the family unit is sure in their salvation (Jewish style) and that they are protected. Husband's responsibility--not wife's. Men have dropped the ball, and women picked it up. But it's not what we were designed for, so things are out of whack. Men stopped being men. To them, if the bills are paid and the rain isn't coming in the roof, life is good. I pray the pastors listen to the Father and start preaching this stuff! The entire family is suffering for this lack of Biblical teachings.

As a mil myself, I bend over backwards to stay out of my kids' business. Is it difficult? You bet! But I taught my kids the best I knew how at the time, and trust that, with God's help, they will make the right decisions. I wring my hands in private a lot, but as long as I keep them covered with prayer, I am confident that all will turn out as God intends. I am there when they need me, and in my home when they don't. Grama needs to also learn that just because your oldest isn't 'biological' doesn't in the least mean that she can't be a good granddaughter to her. I have a beautiful 12 y/o granddaughter who means the world to me. Blood has nothing to do with her value.

Pray wisdom for her and for your husband. It sounds like a lot is needed here. God bless, honey

Rebecca - posted on 08/04/2011

Thanks Rebekah.

@ Carla...

they live an hr or so away and i personally do not want my kiddos spending the night at this age. (newborn and 2yr old) unlike some parenting....i'm attached to the mothering of my children (i also have a 14 yr old) i am using all this time because i know i will have to allow them to be making their own choices and establish their own lifestyle. they see our kiddos, what makes it more frustrating for me is that my 14 yr old is from another relationship and i feel that his mom just talks up the biological grandchildren and compares her situation w/her best friends, whom by the way has her daughter & son in law living w/them along w/her grandchildren. i'm strongly independent and it just seems she doesn't take what she gets, she spends too much time complaining about what just isn't her way. i understand i married her son and he's gone, but that is life and i touch and agree that in the bible it says you leave your mother & father and cling to your wife. it's hopless in my eyes telling my husband because he will say..."oh so i guess they just need to fall off the face of the earth & i don't need to see them" he's super sarcastic & i feel he defends his mom. i don't defend either one of my parents. they respect what i have and just don't hover or cause impositions, much less, make him feel like what his mother makes me feel. she's retired and thats worse!!! she tells me silly things, like be sure to take pics at my 2 yr olds bday. i'm a mom, i know what i want for myself and children. you hit the nail on the head...she was not prepared for him leaving and totally reminds me of Jane Fonda's character on Monster in Law. I thank you for your comments. I will keep praying! ;) God Bless ya too!

Carla - posted on 08/04/2011

Mothers have this uncanny way of manipulating, and it doesn't really matter if it's with son or daughter. But I think it's especially bad with a son's mother, because the wife has 'taken him away' from her. A lot of it has to do with not preparing yourself for the inevitable time when your child will be out of the house. It always sounds lovely to have all the time in the world, but once the kids are gone, the house is VERY quiet.



Being married is hard. Not only do you have to learn to live with a stranger, but you also get ALL their various and sundry relatives. When you look at it, it's a wonder ANY marriage survives! But we need to look at this two ways: First, when a man marries a wife, he leaves his mother and father and cleaves to his wife. What is Hubby doing to help this situation? This is actually HIS responsibility, to keep harmony and peace in the house.



#2, and not so easy to look at, but let's look at this through your mil's eyes. You say she gets to see the grandchildren once a month. Does she live close? Can she possibly take the children for an overnight/weekend visit? I do not condone the comments on fb, but maybe she's feeling frustrated and just venting. Hubby needs to let her know this is not appreciated. If she needs to vent, come to him.



And finally, we are Christians. It seems like having patience is the hardest virtue to obtain, so we always have a trial going on to perfect this elusive little critter. Pray, pray, pray. God knows what's going on, and He has the perfect solution.



God bless, honey

Rebekah - posted on 08/04/2011

Honestly, I don't have much advice, for I myself have a difficult mother-in law as well. My only suggestion is exactly what I do - PRAY! :)