Husband lives out of state having trust issues texting other girls

Angela - posted on 11/19/2011

Cecilia, I'm SO excited for you! Is it so wrong that I'm singing George Strait's "Christmastime in Texas" as I'm reading this?



Ha ha!! All the best to you & your family!

Carla - posted on 11/19/2011

We are thanking God, Cecilia! Keep your faith, pray for wisdom for words, and go with God. Make SURE to keep us updated ;)

Cecilia - posted on 11/19/2011

Ladies my husband will be back to visit next week this is another test of our marriage and to see how much we have grown from being apart. in about a month i will be with my husband in Texas I am so beyond excited to have all of my family together thank you ladies and all be the glory to God in all of this I will update you on how everything went.......

Christine - posted on 11/18/2011

Thanks Angela for the update, I am so glad to hear they are working together to make the marriage work. If this marriage is properly yoked and God is present the marriage will work out.

Carla - posted on 11/18/2011

Amen, Angela. People told both my husband and I to just walk away, but God had other plans. Marriage is rough--it isn't the honeymoon we were told, is it? But with God on our side, and the guts to persevere, we win!

Angela - posted on 11/18/2011

Hey Christine! Have you read the latest update from Cecilia? Things are much better now and they're both respectful of one another!

Of course, Rome wasn't built in a day and no-one's suggesting that everything's going to work out overnight, but both of them are approaching the job of healing their marriage with dedication and respect - they're taking the right steps. So good luck to them and praise God!!

Christine - posted on 11/17/2011

You need to just file for divorce, he obviously does not respect you enough to stop and the abuse from the other woman is not even something you need to accept. Your trust issue will not go away as he is not showing you that he really wants this marriage to work. If he valued you the way a husband is supposed to then he would not even attempt to text or talk to another woman and he woulld have already packed up and moved back home.

Anne - posted on 11/07/2011

Cecilia Praise God. I will continue to Pray for you and your family.

Cecilia - posted on 11/06/2011

Carla always God deserves the glory for everything I never wanna forget that thank you

Carla - posted on 11/06/2011

Cecilia, thank God, thank God! Please keep us updated.

Cecilia - posted on 11/05/2011

Ladies thank you all for your great advice the visit went suprisingly well and we never fought argued or was disrespectful to one another we both noticed a good change in each of us. We want our marriage to work and will do just that I've not accused or said crazy things and he's been honest with me calls me tells me he loves me everyday which is a HUGE change

Sarah - posted on 10/23/2011

I can only say pray! Talk to him don't accuse. If he says they are just friends leave it at that. Ask him to pray w/ u! God will see you through this! Don't have Hope! HAVE FAITH!!!

Mary - posted on 10/22/2011

I'm really sorry about your situation and I hope it gets better. God will not forget about you, he loves you and has a plan for your life! Keep hope stay possitive.

Cecilia - posted on 10/22/2011

I really do need to learn how to let go and let God and yes I agree he needs to prove he can be trusted and I can't force that on him I can't make him change or want what I want and thats hard for me to accept

Mary - posted on 10/22/2011

I think you really need to put trust in the Lord. plain and simple. nagging only chases men away... you can't just decide to tust him. he needs to prove he can be trusted. i don't think divorce is an option. Pray, Pray , Pray is all I can say. AND I would suggest reading the power of a praying wife.

Angela - posted on 10/21/2011

Good luck Cecilia.

Carla - posted on 10/21/2011

We are praying for you, Cecilia. Please keep us updated.

Pamela - posted on 10/20/2011

That's good! I hope everything works out for the best! I'll be praying for you guys as well!

Cecilia - posted on 10/20/2011

Well we plan on doing that when I get to Texas that won't be until December I already have marriage conferences lined up there Godly ones of course. I have a thousand books on marriage and what not I don't feel that I really get information by reading I;m more of a hands on person so the counseling would be the best option for the both of us not saying the books aren't great and wouldn't help just that I won't read them my pastors are aware of my current situation and are praying but its hard to do counseling when he works 6 days a week at night and I work in the morning still when theres a will theres a way

Pamela - posted on 10/20/2011

Have you tried reading power of a praying wife? Or love and respect? Those are both AMAZING books....also another thing I'd try before jumping into divorce is Marriage counseling. I know your husband is out of state but I know sometimes they will do it over the phone (which I know is harder) I'd go to your pastor tell him your situation and tell him you'd like marriage counseling. I'd suggest that instead of going to a therapist cause then it's more biblical

Carla - posted on 10/20/2011

In order to work out a marriage, the two have to want it. Until God has had a chance to work in this man's heart, living apart is probably the right thing to do. If you're angry and screaming, this doesn't do any good for anyone, marital couple or children. We pray the Holy Spirit speak to him and bring his heart home.

Angela - posted on 10/20/2011

The main issue is that they're living in different States. They have a far better chance of working out their problems if they're under the same roof.

Vicky - posted on 10/19/2011

Ah, Carla, yes, how unbelievable it is to so many that our marriages can come out better having been through the fire.

Yes, our children are of utmost importance, and their safety is always at the forefront, but marriage was the first human relationship established by God. It came before the Fall, and was designed to echo the relationship amongst the Trinity - Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. We, as husband and wife, are meant to serve together as one unit.

Marriage also came before children. It is the primary relationship of our lives. If the safety of the children is at risk, it may not be a bad idea to send them to a relative, while the marriage is addressed. Even if both parties are willing, it is a HARD process. Patience, prayer, and fasting are required; a repentant, contrite heart is paramount; and immersion in the Word is vital. I found meditation on 1 Corinthians 13 to be eye opening. Turn it around as a test for yourself, "Am I being patient with my husband, am I being kind? Am I honoring to him or am I self-seeking in this relationship? Am I always protecting, trusting, hoping, persevering? Am I fulfilling my end of this bargain - covenant vow, or am I failing him as a wife?

I also found guidance from Stormie Omartian's Power of a Praying Wife book. A friend had given it to me, when my problems became apparent and started spilling out into the rest of my life.

Our Lord can and does take the worst of us, and uses us for tremendous things. Rest in Him alone.

Carla - posted on 10/19/2011

Thank you, Ursula. It is vital for us who HAVE gone through the fire and come out better to help make the others coming up understand that if we trust the Lord He ABSOLUTELY WILL come through!

Ursula - posted on 10/18/2011

hi Cecelia..Ive read your post and the others commends. everyone has their opinion. and im sure that as you read through it, you must have felt that it has just made matters worse and even made you more frustrated. right? mostly it is the things we do NOT want to hear. well im not going to tell you what to do. ive been there. it was a tough journey. I was angry and bitter towards the people that does not even understand and know what I was really going through. how my husban cheated on me, slept with the maid, lied to me and had other little things that was just disappointingI had my outburst and stayed away frm my dear friends whom I thought was just insensitive towards my situation. Untill God brought me to a point where I had to stop complaining and stop trying to change a man who just made me feel worthless and inadequate as a mother. most important of all is to forgive my husband. God reminded me of the theme of the book Im busy writing "True forgiveness brings innerhealing!". This was the most difficult part. I remember the days I wanted to give up and suggested divorce. I cried and cried. went into depression etc. yet deep in my heart I wanted our marriage to work and I believe you also want it to work otherwise you would not have posted this. deep down in your heart you know God can bring about the change.
After confiding in a dear friend whom I met on the circle for moms she started praying for me and walk along side me with words of encouragements. ((Ms Carla has touched on many things that is so true)
So with prayer I decided to work on myself and trust God. My problem was, due to my childhood past and unhappy marriage, I had a low selfesteem and build a wall around me and constantly feeling sorry for myself. NB: please understand I do not justify my husbands behaviour or what happened to me in the past. what happened was sad, so unfair and so painful. and it was wrong. no woman deserve to be treated that way. But yes, ONLY untill I release and let go of the hurt of the past and my marriage problems God could begin the healing process and restore all that the locust have destroyed.
I then started to surround myself with positive people. I began to do the things that I love, completed my matric and are currently at a college to fulfill my passion in life. TEACHING!! :) yes Ive decided not to waste precious time by feeling sorry for myself. when I started adopting that kind of attitude, I started seeing my husband for who he is.
Communication and trust is so important in marriage. after 17 yrs God came through for us. we not a perfect couple. we still have our moments bt we have learned to respect each other, to communicate better and to make time for one another. today we laugh more, talk more and try to make time for each other. today he is so prroud of me and support me 100 percent in my studies.
If I look back I wonder where I would have been If I had given up.
I know Ive said alot bt I can promise you this..God does not make a mistake. and whatever you going through or feeling right now will pass. I pray that God will give you wisdom in your situation and that you will continue to trust in Him. He is the answer to our problems. xx

Myra - posted on 10/18/2011

I am sitting here reading this and I am thinking to myself, Am I on the right page? What's going on here? And finally I come across Vicky post... I could not even tell that this was a group for christian women....What's wrong ladies. Are we not victorous women of God? Let's not forget that we have the pwer of the almighty God on our side. He loves and cares for us dearly...Being women of God, we are to give godly council.We are in the world not if the world. Now I will say this, God does not make us fools either. He provides a way of escape in situations.

Cecilia, I say to you, God say to" incline your ear and hear the words of the wise, and apply your to my knowledge" (proverbs 22:17) The word also says" In all your ways acknowledge Him and he shall direct your path",....Ask God for direction in your situation. He will never leave you or forsake you. He will be with you until the end of the world.

When it comes to the abuse that you and your family have been through, you must first forgive in order for you to heal, Releasing the ones that have abused you will free you up so that God can start a new work in you. One thing that block our healing, blessings, the things that God have for us, is our unforgiveness towards others. How can we ask God to forgive us if we can't truly forgive others.(Matthew 6:14-15)
When it comes to your marraige, that's a unique arrangment. All I can say is to pray about it. If you and your husband are trying to work it out, then God must be the piilot. He should already be the one that's in control. Pray and trust God. Read these scriptures.(Ephesians 4:31-32, 5:1-2, 4;23-24 , Mathew 18:18 and 2 Timothy2:26

God has given you a precious gift, your child. You are to love and protect him at all times. Don't put him in harms way. That goes back to, God doesn't make us fools. I pray for peace in your mind, in your spirit and in your home. The kind of peace that surpasses all understanding whos mind is stayed on thee.
You are in my prayers

Carla - posted on 10/18/2011

@Vicky, you are absolutely correct, some of the the answers given are not Biblical. The ONE thing that separates our community from others is that we have Christ in our lives, and the help of the Holy Spirit. We need to be careful in our gut responses and pray carefully before giving ANY type of advice.

That being said, Cecilia HAS gone through at least two years, that I can remember, of troubles. This is going to take a toll on anyone. Throw into the mix an abusive childhood and you are going to have drama and trauma. I can tell you for a fact that when you are separated, a LOT of stuff goes through your head! And when your husband is texting, talking, im-ing other women, your mind goes into overdrive. Cecilia, you have started on the right track in getting rid of your men friends that 'were potentially more'. Having another man talking in your ear, and we KNOW what they can do, is not a healthy or Godly way to deal with marriage problems. Let me give you a little example: Our marriage was very rocky. We separated more times than I can count. On the last separation, I got serious with the Lord and quit fence-sitting. He came into my life and started cleaning out the crud. We reconciled, but the trust issue between us (both had cheated) was nil. I knew my husband was big into im-ing, so one day when he was at work, I went into his history, and the conversations I found made me physically sick! I called him at work (he worked at the prison) and told him to come home immediately. I had printed out the conversations, so when he got in the door, I handed them to him. He seriously didn't get it! She lived in Australia, so he felt it was 'innocent', because he would never be able to follow through with the smut printed on the page. I told him it absolutely had to end, or I was walking out the door. It stopped.

A wife wants to feel like she is the only woman in her man's life, period. There is no room for ANY other type of relationship. Even now, after he has re-dedicated his life to the Lord, I make it very clear, NO OTHER WOMAN. If he wants to talk to someone, he can talk to me. That's what I'm here for.

Where is your church here, Cecilia? When I was going through this, I was talking to the pastor, his wife (who, coincidentally, had gone through this numerous times with her husband, our pastor, but I didn't know about more than one at this point), I was up at the altar praying for our marriage, asking for prayer from everyone I knew, and was cleaning up MY act. Your church family is absolutely essential in holding you up during this time. Are you taking this time apart for talking with the Lord about your part in this? No marriage is EVER one-sided. There are wrongs on both sides, and the first thing the Lord did to me was start clearing out my dirty life. He was lovingly preparing me to be able to talk rationally and accept my part of the blame, and it WAS my fault, initially.

Secondly, honey, no amount of texting or talking on the phone is going to change him, in fact, as some of the women have commented, it actually drives them away. I understand, before you say anything, that this is absolutely NOT our nature! We are nesters, and we don't feel right until our nest is in order. But men aren't like that, and usually what the constant contact does is turn them off. You NEED to step back and let God take control of this mess. If he wants to talk to you, let him text or call.

You can't make him love you, sweetheart, but you CAN make your marriage and family look very tempting. You need to be covering him in prayer. I got to the point (and it took a while) to where my prayer was 'I don't care if he ever comes back to me, just save him!' Once I was able to let him go, and we had been married almost 30 years, God came into the scene, and worked a miracle.

My very best advice is, pray and fast. People told me I'd make myself sick with all the fasting, but that's not what happened. I had a break-through, and my husband is back at my side.

My heart goes out to you, honey. But I CAN tell you that if you put your entire trust in the Lord, whether your husband comes back or not, you will not be alone. His peace will bring you through this.

God bless, you are in my prayers.

Angela - posted on 10/18/2011

@Vicky, you speak of Biblical responses (or rather lack of them) on this thread but I can’t believe that keeping this marriage afloat at any price is in this child’s best interests the way things are at the moment. It would be different if they didn’t have this child.

However, for the child to be raised in a home where there has been violence (and possibly there could be again), where there is potential infidelity, lack of trust, lack of respect etc …. does not seem a solid base for family life. It is providing the child with poor role models in his parents and a poor example of what marriage should be like. The child’s own personal security could be damaged in this environment.

God gives us a tremendous responsibility in our role as parents. I think this definitely “trumps” the sanctity of marriage and the notion of “for better or for worse”.

Having said that, the parents do not even live in the same State! Cecilia says he has “a great job down there” yet he has a pre-paid phone in her name?!?!?! But she obviously prefers it this way so she can check up on him!

It is not realistic to keep the marriage going for better or worse if BOTH partners aren’t equally applying themselves to the task.

I really think their best option is to discuss things together when they meet. Currently he’s not even answering her phone calls or responding to her texts. If she’s whole-hearted about wanting to do the right thing by her son, she NEEDS a like-minded partner who will discuss everything with her openly, truthfully and with respect. Without this they will have a sham marriage and a confused child.

Cecilia - posted on 10/17/2011

Its so easy to judge someone when you don't know the whole back story I grew up in a very violent household and I didn't fix my problems as a teen I got into an emotionally abusive relationship I thought it was normal what was going on now I know after getting arrested for hitting my husband 2 times I know now that what I was teaching my son is damaging to his emotional and mental development that is why Ive been seperated since then I have completed a 6 week parenting class and domestic violence class and have learned so much in 3 months I now understand that I don't have to accept abuse and disrespect but I don't put all the blame on myself anymore I realize he had a part in it as well we both need help i'm just the first one to get it I know my faults whether he does I can't say I know I will not allow my son to ever be put in that situation again only reason cps is involved is cuz i have no family out here to watch him otherwise they would've never been in my life but its done me alot of good to take these classes.

Vicky - posted on 10/17/2011

None of these responses seem very Biblical, and I'm quite disappointed. We marry for better for worse, but rarely do we consider how "worse" it can get. It is time for you step back and decide to love your husband. Yes, it is a decision you are to make. Love is not some gooey feeling, making one all warm on the inside. It is a verb, an action. We must decide each and every time we speak with, interact with, or act on behalf of, whether or not our actions would be loving. Apologize for your actions today. Understand that the true, best interest for your child is to reconcile with your husband. If he's willing to visit, he's willing to give this a chance. Men often don't want to leave, but don't see any other way out. Perhaps he doesn't respect you now, but have you been acting toward him in a respectful manner? Respect is what you are called to but not because it is a punishment or demand of you, but because it is the way your husband will feel most loved. The Word of God is often seen as do this and don't do that, but it is our guide book. Following its instructions will bring use closer to our Creator.

Forget all the modern, mumbo jumbo: "exercise your right to be happy", "you deserve better", etc. Because, truly, you have no rights, you deserve nothing. Once you have accepted Christ, you now belong wholly and completely to him. He bought you at a price, a price so infinitely valuable, nothing you could do would ever repay that debt. Confess yourself unto God, and repent. Only when you reconcile yourself before God will you be able to try and mend what is broken with your husband.

I speak as one who has been through this. Yes, divorce is allowed in the Bible, but only as a concession for our hard-heartedness. Jesus's very words were, "what God has joined together, let no man separate." The two of you will always be one flesh, regardless of what happens legally. I will pray for you.

Debi - posted on 10/17/2011

Are you for real?!? Nothing in your life should ever come before the best interests of your child...EVER! Have you considered the environment you have allowed your son to begin growing in? I assume not, since cps is involved. I'm sorry, but I feel no pity for someone who throws their child under the bus for their own selfish feelings. Grow up and take responsibilty for the child that you chose to raise. If his father cares about either of you, he'll do what he has to in order to be with you. If you can't get yourself in line, please do your son a favor and find him a family that will make sure he grows and prospers in a proper environment.

Cecilia - posted on 10/17/2011

Ok we talked finally he just said he was tired and didn;t wanna talk but i'm freaking out cause I don;t know why he wouldn't answer the phone thats what happens when I get no repy I shouldve just left him alone gave him his space but he also shold've at least told me I don't wanna talk ill call when i feel like it and i could've accepted that I apologized for what I did but he's not off the hook for texting that girl again he is still planning on coming to visit us so maybe i need to calm down and just try and trust him this is reallly hard for me he has a great job down there. sorry ladies for my craziness thanks for all the advice !

Cecilia - posted on 10/17/2011

So I might have flipped a little today by saying I wanted him to sign the divorce papers and to not come visit his son he still doesnt answer my phonecalls what am I supposed to do? I need answers he wasn;t texting this girl today but I accused him of doing it sent him an email and texts he still acts like nothing happened wont answer any of my questions

Cecilia - posted on 10/17/2011

@ linda his account is in my name its a pre paid phone and yes i know we have issues but he has to go to counseling in order to have physical contact with our son ordered by cps

BeLINDA - posted on 10/17/2011

I would tell him goodbye. I cant see living in different towns and playing pretend marriage.

Linda - posted on 10/17/2011

Cecilia, I don't understand two things. How do you know who he is texting when he lives in a different state? Also, if memory serves me correctly, there was a lot of emotional abuse in your relationship. Has this been resolved? What makes you think things are going to be different this time?

Tara - posted on 10/17/2011

The writing is on the wall.. its going to hurt but he does not respect you. Tighten your bootsraps and move on. I was in a similar situation and it hurt BAD! Finaly I got tired of being sick and tired and I let him go for the simple fact he didnt give me the respect I deserved. Im free now and loving it!! You can do this! Hope this helps :)

Angela - posted on 10/17/2011

If you’ve been parted from your husband for a while and only recently the 2 of you have decided to get back together (even though you’re still living in different States) there is some adjustment to be made. When there are a lot of miles between you surely it’s only sensible for BOTH of you to take a long, hard look at how you’re both relating to other people and how that will fit into the framework of your marriage. Friends of the opposite sex are generally only a good idea if they’re friends of BOTH of you and it’s common sense, if he values his marriage to politely inform female friends that he’s concentrating on re-building his marriage. This applies whether those female friends are merely platonic friends or if they’ve had some romantic history with him.

Texting, Twitter, e-mails and FaceBook messages between a married person and a “friend” of the opposite sex, however innocently meant are better if they’re stopped. There are as many marriages break down through one partner or the other having an opposite sex “friend” than through having a full-blown affair.

As for “bombarding” your husband with texts – well he’s your husband! I might send up to 10 a day to my own husband! We live in the same house and both our workplaces are close by to our home! Is it not reasonable when you live in different States to keep the lines of communication open? How many are you sending exactly?

Also, I know this may be painful but an honest face-to-face discussion with your husband on what he actually WANTS from your reconciliation when he comes over in a couple of weeks is necessary. I hate to say this but his motives in getting back together may not be as “pure” and well-intentioned as you imagine. Some folk are happy to play with people’s emotions in order to get what they want. Men can compartmentalise different areas of their lives quite happily and decide that things which are separate are essentially remaining separate and have nothing to do with one another.

I’m wondering if your husband has decided it might be in his interests to “keep things sweet” between the 2 of you in order to have a few benefits that might arise from this situation without any real dedication or intention to re-build the marriage? If this was the case then he’d be very reluctant to relinquish his other friends. Ignoring your texts or calls might be one way he’s “controlling” the situation. How much time has he devoted to the prospect of you, him and your son getting a home where you all live together? Or do the friendships and the social life he has in Texas outweigh the prospect of moving you and your son to be with him or him moving to Nevada to be be with you?

You should discuss this with him in a confident way without being ”needy” or desperate. Make out you’ve nothing to lose but you need to know where you stand. Trust me, he’ll be more straight with you if he believes you’re approaching all this in a practical, sensible way rather than in a bleeding heart way!

You’re in my prayers, be strong – you owe it to yourself and your child.

Josslyn - posted on 10/17/2011

Well if that's the case hun, I wouldn't stand for the emotional abuse. Not from his friends or from him, and if he can't stand up for you and tell others to stop badmouthing you, then it's not worth it. My opinion, sorry to say and be so blunt, kick his ass to the curb.......you have a son to raise and he needs a healthy environment to grow up in!

Cecilia - posted on 10/17/2011

i cant accept him having a friend that doesnt give a crap about our marriage and calls me a bitch for no reason

Josslyn - posted on 10/17/2011

Firstly you need to think of the situation, Reverse the situation and see how you would feel if someone overloads you with text messages etc, then you take the fact that we are all allowed to have friends. then you take your feelings into account, go through the situation properly, then you sit down, and talk about it, don't make an issue about it, if he becomes defensive, then just say this is not the response you expected and you'll talk about it later when you are calm, then you try again in a few days. Men don't like to be nagged and moaned at, so if you talk like civilised human beings, I'm sure you will sort the problem out. Remember that you should not loose your cool wither, otherwise you are not helping the situation. and you need to ask him how he feels too. Sounds more like he is trying but not hard enough and you are trying too hard. you need to find common ground. Don't forget to pray about all this before hand, otherwise you are going to get nowhere. God is good, he will help you......