JW - posted on 05/23/2012 ( 9 moms have responded )
Hey Ladies, I am new to this group and am thankful to find a group of mommies with a Godly outlook on raising children and dealing with the stresses of life with a Christian perspective.
Currently, I have a three month old baby girl and have been married for a year and a half! I love my husband and he is also a very strong Christian. Before we got married I knew he had student debt and that was no big deal and I had seen all the statements on his student loans so I knew that amount he owed.I honestly thought he had told me all his financial debts. I was very clear with any debts I had before we got married and didn't withhold anything!
We decided to get pregnant within a few months of getting married and are very thankful for our daughter. When I was 7 months pregnant my husband was looking at his credit report and I looked at it with him I noticed a debt of $357,000 on his credit report. I was so confused and asked him is that your student debt? His student debt is not even close to that amount. He said no that's my Mother's mortgage? I was so confused because he never told me he was on her home. Apparently, he is on her mortgage which is fine if he needs to help her out since she is a widow. I respect that, but not telling your wife before you get married or before you get pregnant is not honorable. Plus, being financially tied to his mother is making cleaving nearly impossible.
His mother thankfully makes all the house payments on the mortgage. But she also treated her house as a piggy bank. She kept taking money out of the house as the assessed value climbed. She took out at least $200,000. But now that the assessed value has dropped the home is at least $60,000 underwater. The home is also in a very bad type of mortgage. Plus, in about 2 years she will not be able to afford the house payments let alone maintaining it. She then wants us to move in and take over house payments. However, I am so upset that her son never told me about this. Plus, we are bailing her out of a 200 K spending spree. I wish someone would do that for me. She also has several other children and maybe they should help her out. How is bailing her out helping her to learn to manage money better? I would like to show her grace but also want her to be an accountable adult. Or am I being too nice by taking over the house?
My husband has been saying our only option is to refinance. I told him I would like his name to be removed but that is not possible. The bank will not allow it even with a refinance. So this means the financial lie can't go away. He can't fix it. He can't make amends to me. I feel like the foundation of our marriage has been built on a financial lie. Trust has been fractured. His mother is not going to be accountable for taking out so much money and her son and me are left to clean up the mess. I just don't think that is right to do this to us.
I am trying so hard to see this as a blessing but I can't because of the financial lie my husband created. She also has several other grown children that should help her out. I thought one option would be to sell the house even if it's underwater and everyone split the underwater portion. This would remove my husbands name from the mortgage. However, we would have to inherit more debt from the underwater portion of the house. But this might be more emotionally healthy for our marriage. Plus I have a feeling if we move into her home she will have lots of strings attached and be critical over anything we do. I know this because she is critical over how we manage our baby through constant nagging and meddling.
I am having a very difficult time giving my husband grace and forgiving this financial lie. I know God forgives instantly when we ask for forgiveness it it washed clean, but I am human and this is so hard to let go.
I m trying to figure out the best way God would want us to handle this situation. Does anyone have any thoughts or suggestions? I was considering counseling for my husband and me. My patience is growing thin. The last 1.5 year has been way too stressful! Sometimes I question if my husband loves me because he didn't tell me about the mortgage and he keeps telling me we have to refinance. It's like I don't have any choice or say.
Any advice would be must appreciated!