Husband ruined our 1st anniversary

Marcia - posted on 01/04/2011 ( 33 moms have responded )

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I am in need of much prayer today. Today is my 1st anniversary and I have been talking about this day with my husband for the last 2 weeks. I took off of work today so we can spend the whole day together. Since he works at night, I told him to get some rest while I took care of some business. I come back about 2 1/2 hours later and he is on facebook play bejewled. So I ask him if he was ready for lunch and he started making excuses like, Let stay in and you cook...I told him no, that wasn't the plan and we already agreed. We are laughing and talking all the way to the resturant. We sit down to eat and I am asking him how he likes the food and he said ok. It was indian food. Anyways he started making remarks like, man I am about to blow this bathroom up and making sounds like (IT) was dropping in the tolet while I was telling him how important this day was to me and what it meant to me and he was acting like it was no big deal. I am talking to him and he is falling asleep, then I wake him up and ask if he is ok. He not paying me any attention, in the middle of me talking to him he starts again conversation about somebody clothes looking crazy... HUH? At that point I told him that I wanted to go and that I hate when he does that. I am talking about us, this day was suppose to be about us and he is talking about some stupid stuff. Once I said that he had this dumb look on his face and tried to act like he was paying attention. He said, Honey I like the food, do you want to come back and I told him "ONLY IF I WAS MADE TO FEEL SPECIAL WHEN WE DID, OTHER THEN THAT, NO!". We fuss a little at the resturant and he got up and left me at the table and walked out the place. We were suppose to go to the movies after lunch but I came home. I haven't spoken to him since 2pm today and I have no desire to. Then once home, he takes the car and leave. I call him 20 times and he shows up with a purse, flowers and a card, lays it on the table and say Happy Anniversay. I just look at him. I left the house and went to the movie by myself and went to get my nails done... I am not only disappointed but hurt. I want to cry so bad but I am to mad. I don't want none of that stuff he brought me. I just feel like screaming and saying some really bad things to him... LORD I AM STANDING IN THE NEED OF PRAYER!! What should I do?

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Victoria - posted on 01/05/2011

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Anniversaries aren't as important as how you spend the year between them.

We often forget just how different Women & Men are. Most likely your hubby wasn't trying to upset you or make you feel bad, but guys are just different. As women we are generally emotional people, celebrating every little miles stone, no matter how big or small, where as guys are not as much into that. Most guys don't get the point of one special day to celebrate our love to each other or a year spent together, it doesn't mean they don't love us they just don't celebrate it that way.

When your hubby realized you were hurt, he instinctively tried to make you feel better, by buying you things he thought would make you happy. He tried in a way He knows how to.

On top of which you mentioned that He works nights so he was probably tired too and when we're tired we often act in ways that are inappropriate for the occasion.

High expectation are always hard to live up to, and with all the hardship you've experienced getting up set maybe isn't the most constructive action, but showing some grace and compassion towards your hubby who has been through these hardships and heart breaks too.

Remember that your love and commitment to each other isn't about ones days celebration, but about the vows you made to each other before God.

I pray for you both, that God will draw you closer together, by drawing you closer to Him and reminding you of your commitment and vows that you made before Him.

Be strong.

Jennifer - posted on 01/05/2011

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Right now, my best advice is to stop ignoring him, go up to him and give him a big hug and kiss and tell him you love him. I promise it will make you both feel so much better. It doesn't matter who's right and who's wrong, all that matters is that the past stays in the past and you work on making today a better day.

Amber - posted on 03/06/2012

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you should not sweat what happened!! he tried to make up for upsetting you!! you were in the wrong by walking out after he came back with the peace offering!! guys do not always realize the things that are important to us even when we tell them! but when they attempt to make up for it then it is only right to let it go and forgive them!! if you hold a grudge and do not forgive when the peace offering is made then how can expect your marriage to last longer than 5 years.. Marriage is all about forgiveness and understanding not holding a grudge!! No one is perfect so you can't expect him to be perfect! at least he tried to make up for what happened!!!

Jill - posted on 01/09/2011

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Marcia, I haven't read all of the posts, but felt a great desire to write to you. I am praying even as I write this short note to you. I believe that you and your husband would greatly benefit from some grief counseling. If you are both hurting as individuals it is very difficult to love on one another. I am praying that God opens both of your hearts to the possibility of letting someone in to help you. As you begin to heal you will begin to feel close to one another again. I also wanted to point out that he may use humor (however silly, annoying or gross it may be) to hide his true feelings, to keep from having to talk about the real issues. Sometimes it is a defence mechanism. I am praying for you and encourage you to talk to someone, at church, at the hospital, etc.

Leandra - posted on 01/09/2011

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Prayer is the best thing....first of all, you have to understand that our husbands don't think like how we do. And because you all are newly weds its pretty much new to him. First of all understand that when we left and bought you all those things like the flowers and purse, he did that thinking that this is what you wanted and that it would make you happy. Men are not tapped into that emotional side of us just yet. I know....I've been there with mine and we have been married now for 4 1/2 yrs. Just communicate with him and explain to him what you want on those days and how special your anniversary is to you. It took my husband and I to bump heads a couple of times but I wouldn't trade him in the world for anything or anyone. Also understand that they are also not mind readers and they have no clue at times to tap into that romantic side so just coach him a little and let him know how he is doing to give him that encouragement....I know you have heard that we have to train our men right?! Well its true, its alot of work but I promise that the outcome of it all is well worth it all. And remember when you pray, don't ask God to change him....ask him to work on you first. I'll get better girl just keep God in the middle of it all and be mindful of the things you do and say. You have a good husband....he just needs a little guidance. Good luck!

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Carla - posted on 03/09/2012

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Since this IS such an old thread, we will close it now. Thanks to all who responded.

Angela - posted on 03/07/2012

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This thread is over a year old! Was it resurrected in order to see what he did about the following anniversary?



Are this couple still together (actually what he did was hardly a hanging offence - especially since he tried to make amends with flowers etc ....).



Just a question! But we're a year on now so why are we still discussing this?

Rebecca - posted on 01/20/2011

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Father, please fill this couple with love for each other. Help them to treasure every day they have. Help them to be able to appreciate and enjoy their differences. Give them great respect for one another. Save them from self-centredness.

Sarah - posted on 01/18/2011

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first i will say that i know this was posted some time ago so by now i am hoping and praying you both have made up by now.

i'll also say that i am sure that by making this post you were more than likely looking to vent and just feel better, so with that said i'm sorry you had a sucky anniversary and i hope he made/makes it up soon

Patricia - posted on 01/18/2011

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Just pray to the Lord that your husband would realize that he hurt your feelings. Lift it up to the Lord who understands us more than anybody else.

Erica - posted on 01/14/2011

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tell him to treat you like a lady

Really My husband sometimes says the most assanine things just to get me to laugh not realizing that it might offened me. I am sure that he did not try to ruin your day however I would let him know how it made you feel. I would not apoligize at all to him that would be like apoligizing for the way you feel. try a redo your not celebrating the day you are celebrating the occasion best of luck to you and I hope this helps

Louise - posted on 01/12/2011

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praying is great but if we dont understand and have love we have nothing . what i understand it was all about you what you wanted what you plan . first he work at night i know what that is like . its no fun you should show some love jut a suggection breakfast in bed watch tv and later he would have behave better . after all the mess he bought you gift and you didnt show love and forgiveness . always remmber christ . he died for us and we behave badly but he for give us.

Sheri - posted on 01/12/2011

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Prayers coming your way...as for what to do, I think when he bought you that stuff he was realizing he was a jerk and wanted to make up for it. My personal response would be to thank him for the stuff but tell him in a gentle but clear manner that you felt hurt the way he acted. And then forgive him. Forgiveness is a big key to keeping a marriage smooth. Not that you hide your feelings---you talk them out in a calm, unaccusatory manner. Then forgive. I am no expert, but this has worked in my marriage and I have been to a few marriage conferences and this is what I have learned. I hope this is helpful to you. I will be praying for wisdom for you that God would direct you in the way He would have you go. Take my advice with a grain of salt and pray yourself too and seek what God would have you do. Again, prayers coming your way.

Sarah - posted on 01/12/2011

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You know, Meghan's right. The first year IS the hardest! The honeymoon period's wearing off, and now it's time to start settling into your roles that'll last the rest of your marriage. Just hold on tight and remember you love him!

Sarah - posted on 01/12/2011

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That happened once, but instead of our anniversary, it was my first Mother's Day. I was on fire. The good news is, it never happened again! The bad news is, it still hurts.

Expectations are hard to compete with sometimes, especially with husbands who just "don't get it". Who knows if it'll work, but next time start a month ahead of time and set out those expectations very clearly. Tell him what you want to do, when you want to do it, and remind him how badly this year's anniversary went. It may help to actually go away next time, even if it's a hotel in town for one night. Time away seems to register in mens' minds a little better.

I am SO SORRY this happened, especially on your FIRST anniversary!!! The hurt will slowly melt away... just try to remember that you love your husband anyway (easier said than done sometimes)!

Vicky - posted on 01/11/2011

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did he act that way when you were dating? Was this a huge surprise? I have been married for 36 yrs. SOmetimes one person has got to "nip it in the bud" and just say...you know what...this is not going good...lets start it again. Not talking and ignoring the situation will not help. Its pride that get in the way and feelings...but there asre more important things here...a lifetime! Praying for you...BTW Happy Anniversary!

[deleted account]

Marcia, I am so sorry about your baby. I didn't know all of that other hardship you had. I will pray for you and him....how about appologizing to him still, and proposing an easy to do anniversary do-over date that will make him as well as you feel loved. Use your sense of humor and I still say include nakedness in your fun date. Here is a strange thing, but works...pray to God about the time you spend with your husband...naked,,,,and you will see a happy result for you both.

[deleted account]

Okay. I have been married 24 years. Men can't help it if they are lame. You have to help them. You tried but your attitude of entitlemen got in the way and you ruined the anniversary for your husband. Really. So, even though you are unhappy with the day, appologize or he will internalize the bad day as a day to avoid and be even less willing to make plans and stick to them next year. It may lkely be that anniversaries never truly measure up to our expectations and hopes....but we are in real life, not the movies. We have good husbands. Next year let HIM pick what to do on that day. You did alright by not just saying nothing and trying to plan it...to try to be clear, prepared, etc.....but he did better than you even with his dorky behavior at the restaurant, because after going to a place he did not want to go, when he did not want to due to fatigue, (yes, I know and unwillingness) and getting punished by your attitude and cattiness for his trouble, he STILL on his initiative goes and gets you unsolicited PRESENTS! C'mon, girl! THen he gets punished for that by more attitude? You are totally discouraging him from ever trying again. First accept that he needs LOTS of years to even begin to improve his anniversary ettiquete...(but SO what! He is a good husband, right??!! THey don't hold special attatchments to days) and then whisper to him TODAY that you forgot to give him an anniversary present...and get naked. Yes, do it. I am talking from 24 years of marriage, here. Not trying to be harsh, just trying to be straight with you....and ENJOY him!

Rasan - posted on 01/08/2011

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wow! 1st of all comparing the loss of a mother in law to someone who just lost their child is def not a soothing thing to say....not sure there is anything to compare to the loss of a child. Sorry to hear how difficult things have been for you two. Maybe he's still consumed with grief and doesn't know how to act right now. I'm sure God will guide you both over time and continue to comfort you as well. God bless.

Linda - posted on 01/08/2011

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Marcia, I'm sorry things didn't go as you had planned...but that is the norm, not the exception in life. I smiled to myself when I read the topic, remembering my first anniversary. I wasn't so happy with my husband either that day. We had been camping in the Blue Ridge Mountains, and we were miles away from any restaurant...so we ended up cooking hot dogs over a camp fire. Not my idea of a romantic meal! Then...to make matters worse, I gave him the card I had bought two weeks before. He had nothing for me. Now I know that he doesn't really do cards, but I didn't understand that then. I think I got mad and stewed in the tent for the rest of the evening! Fortunately, I have been married for over 23 years now and have learned a few things. (1) Men are different and don't know what you want...sometimes even when you tell them! (2) Men don't hear half of what you say, so if it is important, have them repeat it back to you. (3) Don't let preconceived ideas ruin a fun day.

Maybe the day wasn't going exactly as you planned, but you also can't micromanage your husband. It looks like he did try since he bought you flowers and a card. Be patient in all things, forgive everything, and be thankful for what you have (each other).

Amy - posted on 01/06/2011

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Men are dolts. Did he know what you expected beforehand? Most of the time they don't know what we are wanting, though we think they do.

Perhaps you could call "do-over." Tell him what you are expecting and why, and give him a chance to make it up to you. Forget about the day gone wrong, and remember the makeup date as your "real" anniversary. Men don't quite get the emotional stuff, and it's our job to "train them." It's his first time, and hopefully NEXT year he'll be more prepared to treat you like a lady. I know I've had my fair share of letdowns, too... and we are coming on our 15th anniversary. In those 15 years, I've had more pleasant surprises than letdowns, so it's all good. Hang in there!

Regina - posted on 01/06/2011

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Hi Marcia,
I am sorry, I just got to read this message today. Well as the ladies wrote, the 1st year is tough..its true. I am saying this out of my experience. We had an arranged marriage so definently you dont much about the man you marry, but you know what you need to know. No issues at first..but slowly I started to pick on things..simple things. I didnt understand much that we are different, coming from different family, lifestyle and stuff...we did have arguments and stuff. The funny part was, it was I who was causing these problems and my husband was soo good through out. Well, after the 1st year, the love, the understanding b/w each other began to grow deeper..and i must say, i truely wasted my 1st year. For you, especially since you lost your little one, things would be a little more harder. All I can say is, sit down and talk and get all the feelings out. This is the best way. And the most important thing, pray together, which is the most important thing in a relation... when there is no God in your midst, that's when the problems begin. Satan loves to take charge...!! Resist the devil and he will flee from you..!!
There will be problems, trials etc even in the years to come but when you leave everything to the, great "I AM".. he will carry you through.!!!!

will be praying for you.

Rebekah - posted on 01/06/2011

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Forgive, forget, and make a new "anniversary" day - this time you plan it out, don't tell him about it, just surprise him! It can be as BIG as you want it... or as simple as you want it. My husband and I have been married for 8 years and we both have different ideas about anniversaries - my husband likes to do it BIG - I like it small and simple. So we take turns planning our anniversary - sometimes BIG other times simple. It's the joys of learning each other.

There will be a day that you look back at this time and LAUGH!!! :)

Marcia - posted on 01/06/2011

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Don't give up! Just keep learning from your arguments and forgive forgive forgive. Take heart, things will get better. Our first couple of years of marriage were really hard, but most of the problems we were having eventually went away and we learned maturity and not to fight about certain things. If you pray and pray together, things will be better eventually. Praying for you girl!

Anne - posted on 01/06/2011

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Marcia for my husband and I it was our second Anniversary that he "messed" up. He had the nerve to go skiing with his brother and sister instead of staying home and catering to my every whim. The main reason he went skiing on our Anniversary was because his brother was home from CA for the Christmas Holidays, and his sister was on her College Semester break. She went to college in New York State, we live in MI so it was the only time Rick had to go skiing with his brother and sister. Yes we lived through this. When I look back on that LONG ago day I realize that as the other ladies have said it is only one day. We have now been married 31 years. In the last 18 years of Anniversaries we have shared our day with my husbands family in CO. We have shared our day his younger brother and sister-in-law being married in the USA. (They had been married in the Philippines in Nov. of that year, but the USA did not recognize that marriage.) His sisters baby shower and "Mimi" family reunions have also been part of our Anniversary and Yes he has even gone skiing in CO on our Anniversary.

The one thing I have learned over the years is that although our anniversary is important to remember because of the commitment we made to each other that day, like Victoria said it is the day to day way we treat each other that is important.

With every thing you and your husband have gone through in the last year I do understand (as much as one person can understand some one else's heartaches) how important this day was to you. Please for the sake of your love for your husband and his love for you forgive him for his being a man. I hope some of what I have shared has helped and not come across as harsh. I also will be Praying for you and your husband.

Sandra - posted on 01/05/2011

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praying for you. I know how hard losing a child can beon a relationship but you need to be together. our wedding was followed by my mother in law passing away two days later, planning her funeral and going on a short honeymoon. We got back and brought my disabled father in law home with us and had the wake the same night. we have never had a anniversary plan that didn't include our daughter. to add a little humor to everything my husband bought me a flannel nightgown on our first christmas. I could have been angry but I just laughed and said I guess the honeymoon is over. Ask God to give you comfort and try to talk to your husband after prayer.

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I'm so sorry about your baby, that is heartbreaking. I know with me I get this "idea" how things should go & how perfect they should & I set my standards pretty high. And I am usually disappointed. With my husband I have to directly say to him I want you to do such & such and he still only gets it right 50% of the time. I have learned to be happy with what he does get right. They really do love us & they really don't understand us. I think sometimes we put to much pressure on them to be our "prince charming". I'm not saying what he did was right & you deserved to have a wonderful anniversary. But forgive him & maybe try again and try to enjoy them moment. Life's too short. I am praying you find comfort & clarity as to what to do.

Heather - posted on 01/05/2011

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This is the reason that my husband and I have chosen not to celebrate our anniversary. :( You have already gotten some great advice. But I will most certainly pray for you.

Marcia - posted on 01/05/2011

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I didn't have a wedding, bridal shower or nuffin so this was really important to me. No he is not a bad husband but the end of last year was really tough for the both of us. We just lost our baby, her heart stopped beating. It has been really hard for us. I told him how this day meant so much because I didn't have all those things but he seemed not to understand until I got mad. I don't know, it's the next day and we still haven't spoken.

Meghan - posted on 01/05/2011

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Oh, well the first year is the hardest. For our first anniversary, we didn't get to enjoy it because of contractions!!! It's only one day, and although you had huge expectations for it, just know that it's really all the other days that matter. And he did try to make up for his bad behavior, so you gotta give him a little credit for that. He does love you, and you love him. So, you gotta forgive and talk it over with him. There will be PLENTY of other anniversaries! Unfortunately we haven't gotten a good one yet! So, just hang in there girl. I'll be praying for you

Naomi - posted on 01/04/2011

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praying for you! Expectations are tough. I know you're upset... but has the last year been terrible? Does he normally treat you well? Do you KNOW that he loves you? Try to remember why you married him in the first place.

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