I am a wife and mother of three really needing advice!!!

Riley - posted on 05/03/2012 ( 7 moms have responded )

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I am a wife of 12 years and a mother of three beautiful children. I was raised in the church until I was 16 when we moved away from our home town. My parents didn't always go with us but we were there. My husband and I got married and he hadn't ever really been in church. He had gone a time or two throughout his life but wasn't nearly the member that i THOUGHT I was. And unfortunately, it wasn't till about four years ago that we started going to a church and that was only after my husband had an affair with a woman for three years. The ONLY way I was able to forgive him is thru the power of God. God answered many of my prayers around that time and has worked wonders for us. After I decided that I wanted my marriage to work I told him we had to get into church. Everything was going great... but my husband still had alot of unresolved problems and issues. He really never "believed" until this time. Where after we joined the church of our choosing about a year later he decided it was time to invite christ into his life and was baptized! With his new walk in Faith there were a few of the men at our church that tried to take him under their wing and show him the HOW TO's.. How to be the Spiritual leader of the house. How to be the Christian Father to his kids and to his wife. Things changed dramatically over the time. Then here comes the fall... The one person my husband really looked up to as the Christian leader at church that helped him turned his back on my husband. Lied to him, cheated him and really just let him down. Within the first six months after he chose to give his life to christ. This was VERY bad for our family!!! My husband's grandmother had died so we were out of town for two Sunday's in a row. Then when we got back... he was tired and so on and so on. He was so disinterested in going back to church. "If the church was going to be filled with liar's and cheaters who wants to be a part of that" is what he would say. He lost his faith!!! And so did I. I got bitter and angry after all that we had worked thru and worked for I strayed away from my husband. I felt so guilty after doing it the first time I told him. I went to my husband and told him asked for forgiveness. Which he did really easy. "This was your one" is what he said to me. That hurt!! I didn't really know what I was looking for but it really hurt that he didn't care anymore than that. So I have found myself not acting but chatting with different people since then for attention and just to see if anyone is still interested in me.

Since then we have "tried" going back to church but it has failed. My middle child wakes up on Sunday mornings wanting to go... And we will get up and go. But I need help to get back the Faith that we once had. I find myself "thinking" not acting but "thinking" about going down the same road just to get attention. I feel that my husband isn't really here with me anymore. He has been talking to a girl that works with him I looked at his phone and there will be 2 and 3 hours long conversations with them. Unappropriate text messages. I have begged him to STOP talking to her!!! And he replies "it's my job.. I have to" But in all honesty yes, I know he has to talk to her to communicate but only for a min here or there. Not 2 and 3 hours!! Not to mention that the one "affair" he did have comes around our family again. (I am a very forgiving person... (and apparently very stupid!!) So there are alot of trust issues I have with him!!

I have had alot of stress on my plate lately regarding our youngest son. We have been fighting since July of last year (2011) to figure out why he acts the way he does. We thought of the easiest fix was ADHD. No, now they are seeing him and treating him for a ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) and they are going thru different meds and I try and talk to him about it and he doesn't listen and just blows me off. My oldest reminds me of my husband in so many ways. And I get very frustrated very easily towards him!!! I talk to the Lord and ask for help but I just feel that I have failed the Lord in so many ways. And he isn't listening. Please help me with prayers and some advice on what I should do to get my family back to the church going praying family we used to be. This is not only affecting me and my husband by my children too!!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Heather - posted on 05/07/2012

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sorry for my super brief post... my new "semi-smart" phone cut me off! So, here's what I can remember, that hasn't already been *wonderfully* covered by these other ladies:

~STOP doing what you know to be sin!!
~Seek the counsel & fellowship of Godly women who love their husbands. (don't hang out with anyone who doesn't have a marriage you want to copy, at least for a while - its far too easy to fall back into ways which will be harmful to your family, so surround yourself with good examples - yet realize that these women are human & don't expect perfection)
~Pray for your husband & for your heart to be softened to him.
~As I already said, read Ephesians... then realize that it says "Wives respect your husbands"... NOWHERE does it say "IF he deserves it"!

Yes, I know these things are hard (oh, believe me, I KNOW because I struggle with them daily myself) but God calls us to do hard things (& equips us to do, if we ask & let him).

I'll be praying for you!

Melanie - posted on 05/04/2012

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Wow-I feel for you! I have had people in the church let me down several times and when it was my best friend I remember getting angry and thinking what kind of Christian is she to do this to me and why doesn't she care more. I also became very discouraged with church. The truth is she has sin in her life just like I do and my mistake (like someone else said) was looking to her to fulfill my emotional needs in the church and not Christ. I also looked to my husband and although he didn't cheat it did drive a wedge between us because I was so needy all the time esp when I didn't have my friend to talk to. I think that's where you are right now. It hurts when we don't feel love from the ones that mean the most to us and it's like we keep hounding them to give us the response we so despartely need and it drives them away further because it's draining to them. I know you're husband's response of "there's your one" hurt you but you also hurt him whether he's showing it or not. He has now lost trust in you like you have him. You're marriage is extremely fragile and you've both been hurt and hurt each other. First I think you need to pray and seek God and use Him for your emotional support. Read the bible every single day. Be loving and respectful (but not needy or waiting on him hand and foot) towards your husband whether you feel like it or not. Do not complain to him right now about how he's not doing or being how you want. Have you truly forgiven him for his affair? If not, work on that and let him know if you have or that if you haven't you really want to get to that place. I think you also need to sit down and really talk to him about whether he wants to stay married (and let him know you're sorry for how you've acted and want to try and make it work) and if he feels the same he needs to commit to repairing it by not talking to the other woman except regarding work related things only and if he continues to do so then that tells you he is not commited and do not tolerate it. If he either continues to talk to this woman or says he feels it's over ask him to move out and/or go to counseling. I think you both would benefit from some counseling with a Christian counselor. I also think you need to join a support group for those with Autism so you can get the support you need from others going through the same thing with that. It sounds like your husband is completely over-whelmed (as you are) and is no shape to offer that kind of support to your right now. Your husband is probably going through his own process of learning to accept what your son is now diagnosed with (and mourning the loss of the perfectly healthy child he thought he was) and men don't like to talk about their feelings to make them feel better like women do. As for your older son, he needs lots of love right now (and all your kids). He is hurting and sees what is happening in his family and it's scaring him. Your anger towards him is misdirected and even though he reminds you of your husband he is half you as well so try to think how you would want/need to be treated by your mom at that age. I will pray for your family. I think there is still hope but it won't be easy and it will require time and effort on both of your parts to get back to a good place. So remember: pray, lean on God and not your husband, get in a support group, be loving towards your kids and husband, go to counseling and talk about your anger, don't tolerate anything that is harmful to your marriage, and be willing to let your marriage go if needed which in turn will sometimes save it. You all are stuck and headed in the wrong direction and in order for healing to begin there needs to be some changes. God Bless!!!!!!

Carla - posted on 05/04/2012

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Wow, you DO have a lot going on here. Let's take them one at a time:



One of the biggest reasons people fall away from Jesus is because we have our eyes on other PEOPLE, and NOT on the One who saved us. We went through exactly the same thing, with the same results. Jesus is the One who calls to our hearts and wants a relationship with us, but we somehow think the church people are intertwined with that relationship. Instead of reading the Word and patterning our life after Jesus, we pick a person from the congregation that WE deem as a super Christian. The results will almost always be disastrous! Your husband fell away, mine did as well, saying 'I can hang with the guys at the bar and KNOW what I am dealing with--the people in the church act like Christians, but aren't.' And this statement is sadly true. We think that just because a person is inside a church that they are a Christian. This is the biggest falsehood ever perpetrated on a poor unsuspecting new convert. We are to keep our eyes on Jesus, not humans.



Your husband was deeply wounded. Men have different ways of dealing with hurt than women do. Women will cry, rage, talk, then sit and try to figure it. Men lock up their emotions, seething on the inside. He then turned to find some other emotion to fill the void walking away from Jesus left, and had an affair. You were devastated. But, sweetheart, having been there, I know exactly what you were thinking--first devastation, then anger, then the thought--'if he doesn't want me, doesn't treat me the way I should be, I will find someone who will.' Maybe not consciously, but it was in there. Your husband was telling you as best he could that he understood, that's why he said 'that's your one', and forgave you. This just angered you more! So now you are again looking, because Hubby didn't give you the emotion you were expecting. Again, baby, been there, done that. You felt justified, even!



So now you are living separately in the same house. Satan has done his job well, using the people that call themselves the Lord's, and a marriage and a family are in jeopardy. When I found myself in this situation, I finally came to the conclusion that if I didn't get some help, I would have nothing to live for. I first, got on my face before the Lord and wept bitter tears of repentance and bitterness. My prayers went something like this: 'Lord, make Mark's life so miserable that he will run to You.' God didn't answer that prayer, so as I read my Bible every single moment I could squeeze in, my prayers started changing to: 'Father, even if Mark never comes back to me, save him'. THIS prayer He heard. I went to his house with my overnite bag and said 'I'm here'. Things were a little strained (or a lot) for quite a while, but he didn't tell me to leave, and we eventually started putting it back together again. The day he wrote me a little post-it note telling me he loved me was the sweetest thing he had ever said to me! A couple years later, he re-dedicated his life to Jesus. We are celebrating #40 this November.



Sweetheart, we are lost without Jesus. But we have to realize Jesus has nothing to do with a church building or the people who come under it's roof. This is all about relationship with the Creator of the world. I would urge you to consider what you and your husband have been through, what you feel was what God had for your mission in life, and how this mission affects your life. My mission and my lifestyle were so totally at odds with each other that it boggles my mind! We had a beautiful house (not a home), new cars, a vacation condo in Florida, a mink coat, a closet full of clothes, and an emptiness in my heart that none of these things filled. I lost my job due to injuries, my house (that I told people the only way I would leave it would be feet first (dead)), and almost my husband. What God has given me to replace all those THINGS is a husband who loves me, a humble little home (not a house), adorable grandchildren to spoil and a peace in my heart that I never imagined I would ever have. I write to other women about my life to help them understand what is important in their lives and what isn't--THIS, I feel, is what the Lord called me to do, and I would never have understood this myself unless I had had a complete heart transplant. God is so gracious, the Great Physician, who gives us a clean heart and a new life.



Baby, I feel your pain. But I am here to tell you THERE IS HELP! Running to Jesus is the first step. You will never be sorry. Feel free to message me if you want to talk more.



God bless, honey

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Debbie - posted on 05/13/2012

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First of all stop worrying bout whats people think about u! If ur child wants to go t o church take her. God loves us unconditionly and if u love ur husband as much as God love u. I challenge u next Sunday when ur daughter wakes up u take her by faith to any church it doesnt have to be urs. While sitting there give all ur worries to God and dont take them back and it will all work out. You gotta find mutual ground go back to the simple things that made u love each other. Learn who he is now and start learning who u are now

Marylou - posted on 05/09/2012

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Lead by Example! If he doesn't want to go to church, then just make it a point to go with the kids. Pray, Pray, Pray for him as well. God always comes through if your heart is in the right place. I think once he sees that you have your stake in the ground and sees you happy while going, he will want some of that happiness as well.

I know it's easier said then done, but my husband and I went through the same situation and I just went on with my life and he came around. I know yours will too again:)

Angela - posted on 05/04/2012

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"Be loving and respectful (but not needy or waiting on him hand and foot) towards your husband whether you feel like it or not." Great advice from Melanie there!

Also Carla's story is important - she describes how she came through hard times with the Lord's help in re-focussing her priorities.

I can't really add much to their posts but one thing I'd like to say is that Pride and Anger aren't always sins. There is such a thing as righteous anger and personal pride and esteem are important. You say ".... the one "affair" he did have comes around our family again. (I am a very forgiving person... (and apparently very stupid!!)"

Well, I'm sorry but this person would NOT get into my family home. A decent. repentant person would not even WANT to go to the marital home of the couple she came between. You can forgive this person by all means, maybe even be friends with her - BUT YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE HER IN YOUR HOUSE!!

And for your husband to say "This was your one" after you have strayed and had a fling with another man - well his conscience is much easier now about his own infidelity - you strayed too so things are "evened up" now. I think I have the impression that in his estimation, his 3 year affair shouldn't be something you have any right to complain now about as you too got yourself involved with a person outside of the marriage.

This is a tangled web indeed.

Please get some reliable marriage counselling. If your husband is wary of Christians, then OK - get secular counselling. But please make some move to involve professionally trained people to help - otherwise both of you will continue to rationalise your own and each other's actions and not really get any further.

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