i do not like my daughters boyfriend

Annette - posted on 08/07/2009 ( 20 moms have responded )

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my 18 years old daughter lives at home with me. i am helping to raise her daughter and she has a boyfriend that is not any good. he is 31 years old and still lives at home with his mom and dad and has 3 kids that he does not take care of. so how can i get my daughter away from him? she thinks she is in love.

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Jana - posted on 08/09/2009

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I will just reinforce what some others have said...bad-mouthing the bum will just drive her to him! I don't know why the teenage psyche works that way, but it does. The best thing you can do, besides praying, is to focus on making your relationship with your daughter stronger. We went through a "bad boyfriend" phase with our daughter, one time. I found that when I started focusing on our relationship she started trusting that I had her best interest at heart. The bum will hang himself, if given enough rope. Once my relationship with my daughter was stronger, I was able to point out inconsistencies in the things the "boyfriend" did or didn't do. She eventually saw through his little act, he had going on. Maybe your daughter will see that the bum is really taking advantage of her. Remember to set your boundaries or your house rules. Don't let her take advantage of her living situation, either. I hope this helps.

Nancy - posted on 07/11/2012

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Lots of prayers, support, and talking. I would suggest having a serious talk with her and understanding why she chose such a man as her boyfriend and what qualities she sees in him. We all know that "love is blind" but she does need to see it for herself. Don't yell or argue with her about her decision that will not do her any good. Just keep talking with her and kindly give your feedback about this relationship in a loving and concerned manner. Also, keep praying for her that God may open her eyes and show her this is not the decision for her. God bless.

Francine - posted on 07/10/2012

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She has to see that hes no good for herself. As parents we can keep telling our kids over and over but they have to see it for themselves. My soon to be 23 year old daughter recently left home on bad terms with her 24 year old boyfriend. He never graduated from highschool and he's always been in and out of his family members homes. I saw it from day one that he was just using her for her money and this was his goal for my daughter to move in with him. I believe she quit college. Her boyfriend is always telling her what to do with her money and that if she bought her own car that would be selfish of her. There were so many times I couldn't help myself and I would tell her something. I was definitely wrong though. She needed to make this mistake on her own and there was nothing I could to do make her see that. To my daughter it was all about her boyfriend and her family didn't matter. We haven't spoken in 2 weeks so far and her birthday is this saturday. I keep praying for my daughter everyday because I know her life is in gods hands. It always was. My advice to you would be to be supportive to your daughter and even thought you don't like her boyfriend make an effort to get along. As parents we need to be there for our kids and be more of a listener. She will find out on her own that hes not Mr. Right. I guarantee it. Hope this helps

SANDRA - posted on 09/01/2009

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Hi my name is Sandra I'm new to the circle of moms, I am quite surprise to hear from a concern Dad.Try this, get to know him find out the things you and the (boy) firend have in comon, as your intrest grows in him her's will decrese in him . She'll have to see that you have more in common with a 31 year old man than she do. The more you say no, the more he will perswade to say yes.When the two of them are together arround you ask questions, like what's in your futher, how do you support yourself? how do you take care of your childern? The answers should cause your daughter to wake up and hopefuly aske her self what in the world am I doing with him? and oh yea, Pray everyday, every night. God will hear your prayer and send wisdom and strienght! God Bless You and Your Daughter.

Lindsay - posted on 08/31/2009

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Okay, tread lightly. My parents hated, absolutely hated my boyfriend, who is now my husband. Honestly, all the awful things that they did in order to push him away, actually brought us closer. We are now married with a child and although I love him, we probably wouldn't be together had my parents not tried so hard to keep us apart. I wasn't being rebellious, but the more they kept saying about what was wrong with him, the more I kept figuring out things that were right. They were right, of course, when they were saying that we weren't meant to be together and that our life would be hard, but I wouldn't listen and now I am here. Had they treated him just like all the other boyfriends that I have had in the past that just missed the mark, I would have left him and found someone else. The sad thing is, that he knows this. We have discussed it several times. We know that we are completely opposite, but now we have Adalynn and we both love her so much. We want what is best for her, which is to have two parents, but it's hard, very hard, especially since to this day, my parents absolutely hate him and it just makes it ten times harder to go see my family, knowing that having Adalynn around them might run the risk of having them say something mean about her dad to her or around her.



Basically, you can make subtle comments about it and have conversations about where she sees herself in ten years, but if you try to absolutely push him away, it will probably make her draw closer to him. Just treat him like you'd treat any other boyfriend. Don't be rude or mean and she'll figure it out for herself.

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Angela - posted on 07/11/2012

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Somebody's opened up an ancient thread here!

My response?

Parents need to remember that disapproving of their daughter's boyfriend will make him all the more attractive to her! A good move would be to make friends with him .....

There's nothing more uncool than having a boyfriend that your parents approve of. She'll drop him like a hot brick.

Annette - posted on 09/01/2009

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I have stopped saying mean things about her boyfriends and are friendship is alittlle better. she is moving out and moving in with my mom. my grandaughter will stay here with me for the most part because my daughter works. she is moving in with my mom so that her boyfriend can come over. i will not let him at my house. i think it will not work out at my moms but she knows that she can always come back home. i just want our mother daughter bond back like we used to have. i am praying and keeping the faith. thanks to all your letter of support. they mean alot to me.

Annette - posted on 09/01/2009

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I am not her dad, i am her mom. i have nothing in common with him. i am 41 and a stay at home mom and grandma.

Lindsay - posted on 09/01/2009

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Quoting Anne:

Hi Annette, My husband and I were climbing the same hill again so to speak with out oldest daughter. The guy we did not approve of came back into her life about 10 weeks ago and it was all I could do to not make the trip to the town she lives in and just shake her. Thankfully we live in MI and she lives in NC so I stayed home where I belonged. It was sooo hard to not remind her of all the problems she had with him the last time. She was soooo sure he had changed. WELL he did not and it did not take long for the truth to come out. Long story short she broke up with him on Monday of last week. We were talking yesterday and she asked me why I did not say any thing negative about him. I told her I knew that it would only make him look that much better. She agreed that it would have been the case. I did let my daughter know that I had every person that I knew was a Prayer Warrior Praying for her. PLEASE for your daughters sake take Lindsay's advice and if you are still letter her know your do not like him STOP NOW!!!. I truly do not mean to offend you and if I have please forgive me.
Keep Praying for her, if your church has a Prayer list put her on it, Put her on the Prayer line at klove.com it is a Christian Radio Station that has ministers that set aside time each day to Pray for the requests that come in every day. I will continue to Pray for your daughter and you as well.


Thanks Anne for mentioning my post. I really feel strongly about this situation, being one whose been in it, like countless others, except seeing it from the daughters perspective. I hope everything goes well with this situation and I'll definitely be back to check the post often, in case anything changes. :)

Anne - posted on 08/31/2009

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Hi Annette, My husband and I were climbing the same hill again so to speak with out oldest daughter. The guy we did not approve of came back into her life about 10 weeks ago and it was all I could do to not make the trip to the town she lives in and just shake her. Thankfully we live in MI and she lives in NC so I stayed home where I belonged. It was sooo hard to not remind her of all the problems she had with him the last time. She was soooo sure he had changed. WELL he did not and it did not take long for the truth to come out. Long story short she broke up with him on Monday of last week. We were talking yesterday and she asked me why I did not say any thing negative about him. I told her I knew that it would only make him look that much better. She agreed that it would have been the case. I did let my daughter know that I had every person that I knew was a Prayer Warrior Praying for her. PLEASE for your daughters sake take Lindsay's advice and if you are still letter her know your do not like him STOP NOW!!!. I truly do not mean to offend you and if I have please forgive me.
Keep Praying for her, if your church has a Prayer list put her on it, Put her on the Prayer line at klove.com it is a Christian Radio Station that has ministers that set aside time each day to Pray for the requests that come in every day. I will continue to Pray for your daughter and you as well.

Stella - posted on 08/31/2009

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Have a talk w/ your daughter along w/ her father and let her know why U feel that this guy is not welcome in your family. Let her know that even though she have a child that God will send a nice man in her life to love her and her lil one.

Erica - posted on 08/31/2009

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I know you may not like what I'm about to say but if you give this a try watch God move on your behalf...Pray for decernment for God to show you what type of man your daughter is dealing with is he for her good or bad....If he for her good pray for him and watch him change for the best....if he's trying to do harm to your daughter then pray for God to open up your daughter's eyes to see the type of man she is dealing with.....He could be just going through some hard times if he's found to really love your daughter then love on him so much you will see him change his behavior and become more responsible. I know you may not like some of the things he do or fail to do...but if his motives are right or wrong pray that the Lord will show you the truth...and he will....God Bless yall

Annette - posted on 08/08/2009

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thanks, i really do tell her all the time that her boyfriend is no good and that i can not stand him. he is not allowed at my house anymore so now on my daughters days off she is with him all day. i worry about my grandaughter all day long. i will try and not say anything else bad about the bum.

Annette - posted on 08/08/2009

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her boyfriend is a bum and just uses my daughter for her momey and stuff and it really makes me sick. i wish he would just get out of her life and fine someone his own age. me and my daughter were close at one time and now i just wish she would move out.

Annette - posted on 08/08/2009

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thanks for all the help. i just hope that i can stay strong for her and for me.

Tammy - posted on 08/08/2009

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Your daughter is really not feeling very good about herself if she was she would be making a different choice. Christian counseling would be good if she would go. Tell her you'd like for someone to just help her make some logical life decisions, someone who can look from the outside with no judgements. Unless she takes advice from you, then you can do it.

I have two that take my advice and one that is starting to, so it really depends on the relationship as to what you can say.

[deleted account]

I'm sorry to have to say this, but you can't. Trust me. I've been down that road with my now 37yr. old daughter many times. Thank God there were never any kids involved. But, you have to let her make her own mistakes, no matter how much it hurts you. Just be there for her when she falls, and she will, and try to keep your gr'dghtr. safe from it all. P.S. My dghtr. finally found the love of her life, and they've been happily married for 4 years.

Anne - posted on 08/08/2009

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Hi Annette, MY husband and I went through a bad time with our oldest daughter about 4 years ago. There were no grandchildren involved and the age difference was only about 4 years. This is what we did just before our daughter move out in a huff and in with her boyfriend of 5 weeks. Yes ladies I said 5 weeks. We but Healthy Boundaries around our relationship. We also Prayed , Prayed, and Prayed Harder as Adrienne suggested.
It took her about 2 months to come around but I can honestly say that our relationship is better now than it was even a year before all this happened.

One thing I learned almost too late was don't bad mouth the boyfriend that only makes him more desirable. Let her know that you ill always Love her but you will not always LIKE what she does. Above All Do Not Be Her Holy Spirit. The last bit of advice was the second most important thing we, especially I did.
I will be Praying for you and your family.

Adrienne - posted on 08/07/2009

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I can totally relate because this is something that I went thru for many years... except I was the daughter. I really didn't learn my lesson until my Mom let me know that even though she was helping me raise my kids she couldn't help me with other things because of what I was doing with my life. I never dated a man with kids, only because if they weren't able to care for their children why would I want them around mine. Maybe she needs to become more busy.. school, church, parenting classes whatever. If I would have known then what I know now I think I would have made a lot of differant choices. The only thing I can say is pray, pray, and pray harder. Being upset is not going to help the household. But maybe talk with her about some of the options that she has with her life. We don't want another kid around that he is not going to take care of.

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