I don't know what to do

Deb - posted on 06/04/2010

The first year of marriage is difficult. Both of you are learning to adjust and feel your grounds. I can remember my first year. We both had some changing to do- mostly in the way of thinking. I was so used to doing for myself and didn't have to account anyone for the way I did things. He was the same way. Once you move in together, you notice more things about each other and have to get use to different styles of living which also include choices you make.

If each of you feel you're being judged or disappointing the other you become emotional-that fear of letting the other down or being rejected. The relationship is new and emotions are worn on the outside with the question "does he really love me, will he still love me when he sees my flaws?" He has those same fears but guys respond differently. While we are quick to cry, they are quick to defend. That's just their first reaction. How many times my husband came back afterward regretting his response and fearing he blew it or wasn't all I expected him to be.

I think the approach makes a world of difference. Be sure he is focused on you and it isn't right after he gets home from work. And begin with the acknowledgement of your love that he knows you value him. Tell him you're sensitve and that's just how deal with your emotions. There is nothing wrong with that. Sensitve as well. But that is also a gift as we ate empathetic, feeling the emotion of the other person. And more so when it's your partner.

It helped to let him know when I feel hurt or angry, I need to take a walk and process it all. I will then be ready to discuss but it has to be discussed to put closure on the issue.

He let me know that he needed to take time to soak it in so he didn't respond on impulse. He didn't always answere right away and explained it wasn't that he was ignoring but needed to process it all before responding. That made such a big difference in how we communicate. And we respect eo in this.



We are different and that is the beauty of it. We enhance each other. It takes time to adjust but your relationship grows and bonds strengthen in the journey. One vommient we both made was to never go to bed angry. Even if an issue is not completely settled, still be sure to say I Luv You before you lay your head down you'd be amazed how much a difference that makes.

Hang in there. It gets better.

Sandy - posted on 06/04/2010

Get the movie "Fireproof", watch it together, then watch it together again, then pray together, and pray, and pray and pray.... If there is a Weekend to Remember marriage seminar in your area, GO TO IT!

Linda - posted on 06/03/2010

Erica,

I've been married 23 years. First of all, marriage takes hard work. The first year is hard. You will experience wonderful times, and there will be times (maybe even months or years) when it won't seem so good. You have to WORK at it! A couple of things I have learned:

1. The most important thing a man needs is respect. The most important thing a woman needs is love. That is why the Bible tells us in Ephesians 5 to honor/submit to our husbands but tells the husbands to love the wives. Our culture undermines men constantly. They need us to respect them and it is hard! I took a long time to learn this. We need to check (1) what we are saying (does it show a lack of trust), and (2) how we are saying it. This is true for all men, but may be more true in your situation especially since your husband is so much younger than you--he NEEDS to know you respect him. We must be careful not to make jokes in front of others that demean our husbands. We need to tell everyone (in his hearing) how wonderful he is and what he has specifically accomplished. (Example: "My husband just built this wonderful deck all my himself!"

2. I hope this doesn't offend anyone, but sex is a great stress-reliever for men. As wives, it is too easy for us to relegate this to the back burner. It took me a long time to learn this! Sex will not make a marriage good, but the lack of it will make a marriage bad! Another thing I learned: it get's better the longer you're married as long as you communicate! Your husband is seriously stressed with a new marriage and a new step-daughter.

3. Remember to laugh! Here's a starter for both of you:

It talks about how men and women are different! Enjoy!

Kim - posted on 06/03/2010

Thats really tough I have been married for almost four years but shortly after I was married I had some of those same issues, you could try to get marital counseling and definately pray together, it can be so hard but hang in there! Also try to tell him how you feel

Elena - posted on 06/03/2010

I had the same experience. Just hang in there though! If he is meant for you God will work it out! It is usually bad at least the first couple of years or so I'm told. Our first couple of years we fought like cats and dogs too! It was not fun. But you have to remember that God is ALWAYS with you and will not leave you. I hope this has helped some! I will keep praying for you!

Erin - posted on 06/03/2010

http://www.amazon.com/Love-War-Finding-M...

My church group just went through this book, and I think it could be helpful for you to read. It talks about things Satan does within marriages and how you can overcome and make your marriage stronger. I definitely recommend it :) God bless!

Belinda - posted on 06/02/2010

There are 2 really good books you should both read or at least yourself. His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters. They are written by Willard Harley,Jr. Get help, don't think it will go away. Marriage is the best and hardest relationship but keep going. I pray that you will see the beautiful person that God sees you as and that he will help you both to grow in his love and your love for each other. God Bless.

Alisha - posted on 06/02/2010

This is soo sad! I will be praying for you and your family Erica. Do you have a home church you attend? Perhaps you or you and your husband would like to talk to a pastor. It can help to have another point of view on the situation. You could also read the book with your husband "The Love Dare," it is an amazing reality check to everyone on what true love is and it also gives great things to think about in your marriage! Very encouraging! It goes with the movie Fireproof.

Beth - posted on 06/02/2010

Erica, sometimes when you are married you have moments like that. My husband and I have been married for almost four years now and have two beautiful babies ( I say babies one of them isn't anymore), we have definatley had our struggles. Every marriage does, no relationship is perfect it takes work. Thats were the for better or for worse part comes in. You have to learn how to express your feelings to him just like he will need to learn how to discuss things with you so that you will both have your thoughts and feelings heard. It is okay to get emotional you are probably scared because you are newly weds and you are probably hoping you didn't make a mistake by marrying him. It happens to the best of us. But, you love him and you will stand by him or you would not have married him in the first place, right? You will work this all out just take a DEEP breath and pray to God to help you find a way to explain so that he will understand. Then try it again be calm. I'll pray for you.

Sharon - posted on 05/29/2010

Take it from an old married lady of 27 almost 28 years, honey, marriage and relationships are HARD. People tend to think its smooth sailing once you say I DO, but that's when the real work begins. You need to treat your husband with the love and respect that you would treat your best friend. Hopefully you treat them very well, because people tend to take husbands and wives for granted very quickly. The same love and respect you used to get him and keep him or her needs to increase times 10!! Partners need to understand there is no law that says you have to stay in a hurtful toxic relationship, so it is to your advantage not to create one, or allow one to be created. My husband is and has been as long as I can remember cranky and irritable, and I used to rise right up to meet him until I learned a little secret. When he starts fussing about dumb stuff, and acting hateful, before it even gets to far, I walk up to him, take his face in my hands look him in the eyes, smile tell him I love him, give him a kiss, and you will be surprised how quick his mood changes, then tell him not lets talk about this calmly and not hurt each other with nasty words or looks. Just try it, but try it as soon as the mess starts, it is definitely a mood changer.

Badmus - posted on 05/29/2010

Hi Erica, trust me if you follow the advice Artese Johnson gave/wrote, you will definitely make it through. The most important things in marriage is communication. I understand what you are going through, all of us has gone through it, in one way or the other. You just need some patience with yourselves. Try to check if a particular word or thing angers your husband. Another thing is you can make your husband to change through your actions. When you start submitting to your husband in love as the bible says, you will definitely succeed. Even if he is doing wrong in many things, look for one or more things to tell him in a loving way 'hey dear i like the way you handled that matter,' hey love you are very good at so so and so. And you ask him how you can make your marriage work. As a wife with great virtue, show respect to what your husband says, even if you do not agree, you can later find a good timing and suggest a better way. You both don't have to be angry at the same time always. I believe everybody can change with time,patience and love. Make yourself happy and I know God will help you through.

Laura - posted on 05/28/2010

The first year of marriage is tough. You have two different personalities who had their own way of doing things now combined into one household. There are going to be lots of squabbles. Communication. My hubby and I sit down and go over...what can I do to improve our marriage, what am I doing that bothers you, is there anything I'm not doing...so forth. We try not to take anything personally, but be open and honest. It helps. Also, I ask my husband, "what's wrong?" and he says nothing even though I think there is something. You have to leave it. Say are you sure and then drop it. We can't read them as well as we think we can. There are two books I suggest. One is "Women are like spaghetti, Men are like waffles." Explains how we think differently...makes A LOT of sense. Also, "The Hard Questions: 100 Questions to Ask Before You Say "I Do" I know you are already married, but you can do it after your are married. My sister in law and her husband doing it every 2 years and see how they answer. Prayers are with you. :)

Jeanne - posted on 05/28/2010

You cannot change your husband, only yourself (not saying he doesn't need changing!) You can choose to control the looks you make, the voice tones and words you use. If you cry, do it out of his sight. For me, I have to withdraw, and cool down then come back to talk when I can be rational and not say things I don't want to. Counseling can help too. Marriage is the most intimate of relationships. The first year is the hardest. Learning how to get along and communicate is something that takes time and effort on both parts. Realizing that you are people with different communication styles and how to relate with each other, but being open and honest, being careful not to be hurtful to each other will help. God Bless.

Artese - posted on 05/28/2010

Greetings Erica, I have not read the other comments b/c I have a headache & I just wanted to respond. What you two are going through, many of us have been through it. You two just got married and are still learning about each other. For some reason, marriages change relationships. It's no longer "I, my/mines, his, hers, yours" it's now "us, we, ours." You two seem to lack efficient communication. What you two need to do is talk TO each other, not AT each other. When he talks, he needs to not yell/scream or call you names and you need to just listen w/out interrupting him. When you talk, do not yell/scream or call him names & he needs to not interrupt you. It's hard to listen to what the two of you are saying if you're both talking at the same time.

Both of you need to realize that fussing and walking away without talking about the issues will not make the problem go away. In fact, ignoring the issue, walking away and not talking about it will be the cause of the next argument. All you two will need is a little trigger to get the argument started. Something as minor as leaving an empty milk jug in the refrigerator will start and argument and the next thing you know, you two are arguing about an unresolved issue from a previous argument and the cycle will continue.

If you two just got finished having a screaming match, it's OK to take a 5-10 min break to compose yourselves and come back to TALK about it & resolve the issues. If you find that verbally talking to him is very difficult b/c he doesn't want to listen to you, send him an email/text or write him a letter. You can say what you want in an email or letter without him interrupting. Let him know that you don't like having screaming matches or insults hurled at you on a daily basis or every time there is an argument. Let him know that you love him and you want him to show/tell you the same. Tell him that you really want to make your marriage work and it takes two people to make it work. Stress to him the importance of efficient & effective communication.

So many marriages end b/c of a lack of communication. Marriage is a job in itself. You have to constantly work at it. You're not going to start a brand new job, in a new field and expect it to be perfect, get an instant raise or promotion or other benefits that comes with the job. Marriage is the same thing. The longer you work on it, the more benefits you'll reap.

Also, the both of you need to learn how to COMPROMISE & apologize with/to one another. Seriously! You don't always need to have the last word and neither does he. And it's OK to apologize first. The man doesn't always have to apologize first. Actually, apologizing when you know/think you're wrong will let your hubby know that you really do care/love him.

Trust me! My 1st year of marriage, my hubby & I both needed to have the last word and ALWAYS be right & I never wanted to apologize first. He did, even if I was in the wrong. It was becoming a problem so we both started compromising & I started apologizing when I knew I was wrong. If I knew I was right about something, I would say "Fine" or "OK!" you know why? b/c later on, I was proven to be right & he would apologize. And vice verse. I'm not always right and I had to realize that my hubby is a human being and have feelings just like I do.

Don't allow outsiders in your marriage. When you two argue, don't go telling your family or his all the bad that he does b/c you two will eventually make up & kiss, whereas your family will have that negative image of him. And the SAME goes for your hubby too.

Everything that I'm telling you, I had to do the 1st 2 years of my marriage. I've been happily married for almost 9 years (July 14th). Trust me, it'll work out IF the two of you want it too.

Almost forgot, tell your hubby that you don't realize what looks you're giving him. It's just the way you look when you are thinking about something & you don't mean anything by it. BUT if you know that you are making mean/weird faces then try not to do it all of the time. I'm not saying that you aren't allowed to be angry b/c you are.

Remember, Compromise & communication are very important in a marriage. Good luck.

Erica - posted on 05/22/2010

Becky, we did have some counseling before marriage. I know that he is under a lot of pressure. He has to be responsible for our family now and just a few years ago he was only responsible for himself. He feels the weight of having a teenage daughter and knowing how little boys think. For almost a year I was unemployed so he was soley responsible for taking care of the household, which caused me great strain cause I have been on my own since I was about 17 and now I was dependent on someone else to take care of me and he had never taken care of a family before. I guess I should have explained that he is only 23 and I am 34. I have had the experience of being parent for 15 years and he has only been a parent for 20 months. Janet, thanks for your post. My husband is a Christian but just very young in his walk. He also isnt always the bad guy I do have a issue with my tone it comes from being the oldest child and having to be responsible for other people. I know that I give him dirty looks, I just dont know how to control it at this point. I feel like maybe some of you will think that I am making excuses but he's no a bad husband and I'm not a bad wife, we are just experiencing some growing pains. I feel like he has some anger from his childhood that he hasnt let go of and that in some ways contributes to his frustrations occasionally. I dont hold on to the anger and hurt when he's mean cause I love him so much that its really hard for me to. I have a need to be close to him that makes it really hard for me to be upset with him even when I want to be. Our issue usually comes when he asks me to leave him alone and I can. I just keep at it. Asking him whats bothering him or what I did or said. When all I really want is for it to be over and we can be close again. Ok, I'm sure that I'm just rambling now, if so I am really sorry and thanks for reading.

Robin - posted on 05/22/2010

I recommend the books "The Love Dare" and "The Power of a Praying Wife" Whenever you feel hurt by your husband just take it to the Lord in prayer and ask Him to help you see your husband the way He sees him (hope that wasn't confusing!!!) And choose to forgive him the instant he hurts you! If you don't forgive it can turn into a nasty little booger that makes you feel bitter and cold hearted toward your husband!!! Also I recommend 1 Corinthians 13 (the Love chapter)! Read it everyday and base your love off of the Biblical idea of marriage/love!! My preacher told my husband and I before we got married that a marriage with God is like a 3 string rope. One is you, the other is God, and the other is your husband, you will rub on God instead of each other and will stand firm (the rope wont break) but a marriage without God is like a 2 string rope, one is you and the other is your husband, you will rub on each other until you break!! So my advice is take it to the Lord!! Hope that helps and you have our prayers :)

Janet - posted on 05/22/2010

Let me tell you a true story . My mom was a Christian my dad worked hard to support 5 kids.we saw at supper and he worked in the factory days and carpentry at night. Well my dad was verbal abueing my mom and us kids for many years my mother would say nothing and go and pray she prayed for 40years and my dad got saved baptist and have never been more in love,My mom told us girls sometimes you have to learn to say nothing and God would work on behave of you,But if you keep the fire going by fighting ,You might not have any peace.

Glenna - posted on 05/22/2010

i will pray for you & yours , just keep your faith. as GOD will work it all out for you .

Heather - posted on 05/22/2010

Praise God! I am still praying!

Erica - posted on 05/21/2010

I wanted to thank everyone for their wonderful words of encouragement and prayers. Yesterday and today have been better. We sat down a talked yesterday morning and we decided not to be so defensive when conversing with each other. I agreed to work on my tone. I will continue to be in prayer for my marriage and I ask all of you to continue as well.

Heather - posted on 05/20/2010

I will continue to pray for you, and your husband.

Julie - posted on 05/20/2010

I did pray for you yesterday and today. My husband and I also go through times of being really irritable with each other. We just did a few days ago. Everything he said, I felt offended, and everything I said, he did. I kept praying for us. And made a real effort to watch my tone. It takes real effort to be nice to eachother and don't say mean things. It usually blows over in a few days then. I'm reading the book "The Love Dare" from the movie Fireproof. It is really good and helps me alot. I always need help changing my thoughts during those times. So I get out the Bible, Christian books on the topic of love, and any notes I have and fill my mind until I'm thinking properly. Yes, these trivial irritations can escalade if you let them and destroy relationships. Such as pointing out eachother's mistakes, and just getting offended by everything. Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy. John 10:10 That includes marriages and relationships. Don't be offended, overlook offenses, pray, and work on your own tone and be kind even when he's not. I usually say I'm sorry even if my husband doesn't (and he usually doesn't) and at least do my part before God. Leave it in God's hands to work on your husband. Just think about yourself and how you are responding. That's all you can do. Every marraige goes through rough patches every now and then. Look to God and it will probably pass soon enough.

Becky - posted on 05/19/2010

The first year of marriage is hard! There is so much to learn about one another and yourselves. I can relate somewhat to what you are writing. My husband and I have been married for 3 years now - today is our anniversary actually - and the communication is something we are still working on! I know that I tend to be oversensitive and take things wrong (dealing with pregnancy and breastfeeding hormones for your entire marriage - I got pregnant 1 month in - doesn't help either!) But my husband tends to get really defensive and totally turn things upside down whenever I bring up an issue I'm having too. For instance, I'll say something about him missing an event because he's working overtime, and he'll totally blow it out of proportion and say, "oh well, I guess I should just quit my job and sit around all the time then!" Well no, that is so totally not what I said!
Did the 2 of you take any premarital counselling? Did you do any work on communication during that? If so, it might not hurt to sit down and review that together. If not, if you really feel this is threatening your marriage, getting some counselling is probably a good idea. Talk to your pastor or ask him to recommend a good Christian marriage counsellor to you.
My husband and I took the Alpha marriage course through our church about 6 months after we were married, and it was great. Very helpful.
Remember that marriage is for better or for worse until death do us part. It is definitely not always easy, and there will be days you find loving your husband very challenging, but we just have to keep making that choice to love him, to respect him, and to act lovingly towards him. And there is absolutely no shame in asking for help if you feel that the problems are getting bigger than what you can deal with.
I will pray that God will bring peace to your marriage.

Dana - posted on 05/19/2010

It sounds to me like a lot of spiritual warfare. The enemy will always attack you where you are the most vulnerable and it sounds like your new marriage relationship is just the place! I have experienced it as well, just recently actually and I have been married for 9 years. I will pray for you, pray for God to protect your marriage and help the two of you communicate clearly without anger, and ask him to guide your conversations and looks. You can also rebuke the devil in the name of Jesus. When you do that they have no choice but to leave.

Spiritual warfare manifests itself in many ways, and I have dealt with it a lot in many different areas of my life, but God always sees me through. Become a prayer warrior and see if that helps. I hope this has been at least a little encouraging and helpful. My prayers are with you!

Erica - posted on 05/19/2010

These conversations are just regular everyday conversations. Like today he got mad because of how I asked where he was and any given day it can be something different. I know that sometimes I can be harsh and I am trying to work on it but I think that maybe its not always me. Pray for me please cause I cant let something so trivial ruin my marriage.

Julie - posted on 05/19/2010

I wish I had some advice for you but I don't know what to say! I'm sorry you are going through this and I feel your pain in your letter. That must be rough. I will pray for you. Have you prayed that God would give you wisdom? I'm sure you and He will. I believe God could do a miracle here.

Heather - posted on 05/19/2010

I know how you feel!! My husband has said similar things to me. Is he more upset with what you are saying, or how you are saying it? I have found with my husband that it is important to pick my battles. I do get frustrated with him sometimes, but I never broach a subject that I am upset about until after I have cooled off. This helps me to first evaluate if it is even important, and why I was actually upset, but also it helps me to speak to him in a less emotional way. I can choose my wording more carefully.

I also have learned to apologize for the looks I give him even if they didn't mean what he thought. When he gets on me for a look that I gave him, I try to think what look I gave him, what I really meant by it, then I ask to talk to him away from the kids, and apologize, explain, and promise to make an effort to do better. If he took it the wrong way the kids might have to. I don't want to convey disrespect to them.

It's a learning process. Our marriage is growing stronger, and I am doing better in my communication skills. I have also asked him not to yell at me, but to let me know what I am doing wrong. I suggest doing the same. Ask him not to yell, but to let you know how you are coming across, because you probably don't mean it the way he is taking it. Maybe ask him for suggestions on how to communicate in a way that is better for both of you.