Jennifer - posted on 01/25/2011 ( 32 moms have responded )
I just wanted to express something I am struggling with. My best friend says that it seems almost healthy to him because it shows that I have an understanding of what marriage should be. But, I don't like being angry. I especially don't like thoughts of my ex husband in my mind. However... I am angry at him. When I work 72-136 hour work weeks I am angry at him because if he was the man I thought he was, I wouldn't have to. When I have to be my daughter's sole disciplinarian and she says I'm mean and I can't comfort her, I am angry at him for not towing the line. When my truck breaks down and I am on eHow.com trying to figure out how to dismantle it, I am angry at him. It's not often, but it's now. Right now while my truck is in my driveway, I am literally on eHow.com trying to get instructions on how to remove the gas tank, and I am at work on a 36 hour shift when I should be home, turning off the lights, locking my door, checking on my daughter one more time, and climbing into bed with my husband, my HOH (head of the household) my friend, my partner. Instead I'm listening to one of the guys I take care of drone on and on about nonsensical things, chasing a cat, yelling at the other guy I take care of. I'm trying not to throw up, I'm trying to talk myself into laying on the couch and trying to go to sleep. I know I have to go from one job to the next tomorrow morning, I need sleep to finish up my shift, but I just have too much on my mind. I'd have prayer time but the atheistic client won't stay in his room. So here I am, asking my sisters to keep me in your prayers tonight. Pray I can stop being mad at my ex husband, pray I get some rest, pray God lets me in on His plan, cause I need it right now. God is in complete control of all things completely out of control, I just have to keep reminding myself of that. I'm sorry I've rambled so, I just didn't know what to do.