I'm done with marriage

Cecilia - posted on 11/06/2010 ( 118 moms have responded )

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Husband has not changed his ways at all just supressed them for awhile, today after the 4th night in our new home he started yelling and throwing and threatening me again, I have no idea really why he started doing this, I said I don't understand and he wouldn't tell me what I did? All this again in front of our son, he tells me he brought me out here to mess up my life and my head like I did to him, he also mentioned that he was mad that I put him in jail when I had every right to and he deserved it. I don't know I've been in christian marriage counseling for about 7 months now and I don't see a change in his behavior he's very loud and angry with threatening to leave and saying he's going to make me lose the house we just got. To me it sounds like he has issues that he hasn't dealt with inside himself but he won't admit it. I don't know what to do anymore I've literally tried everything I know I'm not in the wrong or I would admit it.

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Carla - posted on 11/06/2010

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Cecilia, I went and looked at your profile, and I see this has been going on for quite some time. I think I remember some of what you just posted here. Do I take it he's not a Christian? He says he brought you here to mess up your life and head. I find that kind of bizarre.

Going to Christian counseling is great, but if you're going alone, it isn't helping him. I will tell you what I did when my husband and I were having problems (the last, final time) about 11 years ago. He moved out. I got on my face before God, and my first prayers were 'get him, Lord!' Thankfully He didn't answer those ;) The Lord started working on me. I said 'no, I'm praying for Mark'. He just quietly kept telling me what I was doing. When I finally started listening to that Still, Small Voice, my heart, mind and attitude started changing. I had been fence-sitting, living a half-hearted kinda-Christian life. I gave everything over to Jesus, and seeking Him. My prayers changed to 'even if he never comes back to me, save him'. That's when things started changing for us. We got back together, it took a while for things to get back to an actual loving relationship, but I kept holding to Jesus for all I was worth. He re-dedicated his life to Jesus a couple years later. We had a REALLY rocky marriage of 30 years before we got the sense to grow up and let God rule in our lives. We just celebrated #38, and we are happier than we have ever been.

No marriage is one-sided, honey. Jesus can come in and talk to you and show you ways to love Him and live for Him that can make miraculous differences in a marriage. Whatever is troubling your husband, and it sounds big, God can handle. Pray for him, fast for him. You made a commitment before God to love him til death do you part. Sometimes we have to separate for a while for the anger and hurt feelings to calm down, but there is ALWAYS hope!

Run to your prayer closet to find your answers, honey. God bless

Tina - posted on 11/08/2010

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These are such tricky conversations as the whole story can not be told. So I can only speak out of what I know to be true in my marriage and I hope you can hear my heart in it though some of it may come across as harsh.

Right off the bat Im not talking of staying in the midst of violence and abuse. This is a given... if there is a abuse get out until he gets help..

You put him in jail?? Sounds like a nasty situation and when you say he deserved it it sounds as though you are being vindictive. Not a good thing in marriage.

Any way all that aside, if your hubby is a good man, and just has some hurting issues like all the rest of us have... this is what I have learned. .....

You say you pray for change. But it sounds as though you are praying for him to change. Have you ever noticed that God will ALWAYS change the person doing the praying before he will change the person you are praying for. Very often we have to be the example for the person we are praying for. This is what God did for me. It came to a point where nothing was working so I prayed that God would help me be the woman my man needed me to be. To help me to see my husband as he is and what He Needs from me.

I picked on things to work on that I knew was damaging to him. One example is nagging. Stop nagging him about his job, what he does and does not do around the house, his friends etc. Give your care to God and leave it alone!!!!!

Another one is Respect .. Im sure you have read the book... Do not talk to him or treat him as a child. Treat him as though his opinion is the most important in the world, just like when you were dating. Try to remember what it was that you fell in love with and focus on his good points. What is his love language... what does he need from you to know he is loved.. I guarantee it is not what you have been giving him.. because for the most part we try to give what we need.

Study him, become a student of him, see what sets him off, is it the way you talk to him? or look at him, you know the look... it kinda goes like this... your an idiot.

Especially as women we need to be completely God focused not self focused.We can trick our hearts into feeling things that can destroy our relationships and homes if we do not make the decision to stop the infecting thoughts from making it to our hearts... what do you think on all day? What music and friends do you have around you... do they encourage you to look to the only One who can help you?? Do they encourage you in the Truth? Or do they just beat down your husband (Gods Son) and basically speak hate language about him, cursing him and your marriage??

Marriage is not a selfish gain. Its about dieing to self just as Jesus did for his marriage partner to be, His bride (the Church).

We marry our opposite so that we may compliment each other. God created marriage to be about love!! It is good!! Everything you guys differ in, Im sure is a strong point in one or the other... it is Good!! God allows the friction of marriage to heat up our lives . allowing us to run to Him to draw near to Him in our troubles like we should. Our marriage partners bring out issues within us that God wants to deal with. In other words God uses our partners to bring to the surface things in our own lives that He wants to set us free from. This is an amazing opportunity for you to have a relationship with God that can be powerful, peaceful, joyful in the midst of a storm... it is possible dear one!

The bible says that we may win our husbands just by our (Godly) conduct.

I pray you will take the challenge and know that you have done all you possibly could to save this marriage in and through God. We must be active not Re-active.

All the best.

Anne - posted on 11/07/2010

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Cecilia I also will be Praying for you. If you can get a copy of "THe Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie OMartian (Reading the introduction of the book first) you will find some wonderful Ideas and insights to help you Pray for your Husband.

Anusha - posted on 11/22/2010

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Hey Cecilia,

Im sorry to hear wht is going on.. I have read this book called Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. maybe you could go to one of the conferences or get in touch with them? http://loveandrespect.com/ try it out... hope this helps

Stephanie - posted on 11/10/2010

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good luck. I was in a marriage like that. He was pretty controlling even over our child. I got a divorce. Got back together with an ex boyfriend from a few years before my marriage and I am the happiest I've ever been. Just had my son 9 weeks ago. I had to walk away. After a while my ex-husband even started making me question my own sanity. I went to a counselor and eventually just stopped talking to my ex husband. I had to get out from under his roof before I felt like I had enough control to tell him he needed to back off or if he tried anything to me or my boyfriend that I have no problem sending him back to jail. You have to make your own decisions though and stick to it. Once you are gone and then if you decide to give him another chance, statistically going back to him you are at much more risk for possibly allowing him to get as far as killing you. He'll know that you had left before and there won't be another chance to leave him again.

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Melissa - posted on 12/18/2010

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Hunny I was married for 18 years it took 5 times of leaving till I finally desided it was not a marriage it was prison and I wasnt going to be blaiming myself any more! I had a jernal I kept and read it to my new husband of the things I would think when my husband cheated or was hatful to me and all the excuses I gave him and what was it that I need to to do to change for him.It wasnt me that needed to change it was him and my children were seeing itn too .If it takes kicking him out and falling you need to let him fall you have a child and need a place first he needs to leave .You stand for your child,this comes from somone that had to live in shelters its not a place for kids!I will write more later God bless

Melissa - posted on 12/17/2010

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Thank you all I am so happy now it is almost overwhelming though we struggle with finances we are more happy then if I was to have the house my ex has.I had alot of memories there with my children but the change was good and the distance even better.Now my ex is alone and has know one and at one time I would have been glad but being a new christain Ive learned to for give and let God I now pray that God Heals his wounds and finds peace.Even though he still brings me to court for silly things and he is seeking simpothy I have my new life and a Husband that respects me and my children and is more a dad then the origonal we work as a team and I love that God saw what I needed.Keep praying Cecil God knows what you need!!!

Carla - posted on 12/16/2010

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@Melissa--welcome to the family of God, honey! Your story is an encouragement to many, many women who have gone through the horror of abuse and low self-esteem. I pray God's best for you!

Sara - posted on 12/16/2010

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Melissa I totally agree if it is really bad you must leave. I was horribly abused and left from a previous marriage. But current message wasn't very good either to begin with but with prayer and chages in each of us we are happily married and love each other much more then we used to. But if the person is horrible to you when you don't provok it you need to flee for saftey even if it is for your mental state.

Melissa - posted on 12/16/2010

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I am new to being a christain so please bare with me.I was Married for 18 years to a man that mentally abused me and was not faithful to our relationship I tried thinking I must be doing somthing wrong it has to be me.I was so convince it was me that though I would leave him I would go right back because I had know self asteem and was affraid finatually that I thought I needed him.I did what I could at the time to servive cause thats what it was.My health was effected and I was always sick with some kind of ailment CAUSE was so much stress.Im not saying that leaving your huisband is the answer and I hear what these lovly ladies are telling you PRAYER is always were you begin DIVORCE is had and if you think your stressed now? But there is a silver lining!!! When I finally did it and left for the last time I prayed to GOD every morning befor the kids woke up and had my time cup of coffee and read the Bilbe I filled out everything the shelter said to do I went to church and even helped some of the nieghbors get to church.I finally was able to get my own place on my own with know one to tell me what time to make supper and if I can go for a walk with the kids I lost wieght too ate healthy and took care of my kids.I didnt let his words effect me anymore he lost his power,now Im happily married to my soul mate God saved me because I helped myself threw him.I have been married now for 3 years I was saved this past March and Baptized in may of 2010,The Lord continues to bless me.I do understand were your comming from LOVE DONT HURT!!!!!! Go to women safe and edgucate your self on how to leave and stay out and to avoid another relationship like this your one of GODS babies and when you hurt he hurts too PRAY the whole time for clarity and wisdom and then grace.My heart goes to you you dont have to stay and if the house means more to you then your life then think again HE CAN LEAVE YOU HAVE RIGHTS FIND OUT YOUR RIGHTS!!!!!!!

Julie - posted on 12/10/2010

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pray about it put things in Gods hands and He will show you what is next for you...I'm sorry things got sooo bad but don't give up let God lead you/heal your heart the best relationship for you could be just around the corner

Cecilia - posted on 12/10/2010

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Actually we did find the cause its his illiteracy I'm looking into tutoring for him. He also said he had a learning disability but he hides these things too well

Heather - posted on 12/09/2010

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We wonder what we have done to make them so crazy but have you wondered if he is being attacked from the enemy to question your faith. Is there any mental illness in his family. There has got to be an underlining reason for the abuse. He maybe to much for him to deal with or embarrest about. My husband was abandon when he was 6 and in the beginning of our marriage he had a lot of unresolved angry and through prayer and God's help he is a better man. It is not instant soup. It is one day at a time. I will pray for your family and that God gives you the wisdom to do what is right.

Katrina - posted on 12/08/2010

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I am truly sorry! I will be praying for you. I went through the same situation and unfortunately I couldn't work it out. God forgives me and will take care of whatever decision you are faced with. God Bless!

SarahAA - posted on 12/08/2010

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Cecilia, I truly empathize with this situation in your marriage. I believe the first place we ought to start from is to look at ourselves, as Christians there is no room for divorce in our marriages, how then do we handle such issues as yours when they arise in our homes? The lord asks "is there anything that is too difficult for me?" There is nothing God cannot do, he says we should place all our burdens upon him and he will take care of it. If we believe that he created the heavens and the earth and that he loves us the bible tells us the even the hair on our head is numbered, go to him in prayer but I have to warn be ready for the changes that will take place in you for how can you see the speck in your brother's eye when you have a log in your own eye? Show your husband unconditional love and respect and see if things will not begin to change in your lives. God bless you

Rebekah - posted on 12/07/2010

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I truly apologize if this comes off as harsh, Cecilia, but when you post "I'm done with marriage" you are in the wrong. God NEVER wanted divorce to be allowed. If you still always have in your mind "I'm done" or "he hasn't changed" or "fine, leave"... then technically your heart is not in the right place. You have to get to a point where you love him unconditionally, whether he treats you good or not, whether he is nice or angry, whether he is mad or glad... and come to a point where if he walked out the door it would literally break you! God made marriage for DEPENDENCE... and the attitude of "I'm done" is not right. I encourage you to seek out forgiveness and truly ask God how you can be the helpmate your husband needs and let God guide you into the next steps to take. You would find that God will lead your steps and your husband will be truly shocked. I won't guarantee it will happen right away, for it will be a hard road... but divorce would be an even hard road and a much uglier one. Keep giving your heart to God and let God take control of your emotions, the emptiness, the hurt, etc. He will then in turn give you HIS heart of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, self-control... and you'll see a tenderness grow within you that you've never had before!!! I will be praying for you.

Tina - posted on 12/07/2010

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I dont mean to come across as harsh. I pray you hear my heart...
You are not weak!! You have the Living God in you!! All Power is in you because HE is In You!!! You do not need to be the Victim because you have the Victor in you!!
God is Good and He IS Love! And if you let Him He will show you this to be true! He Loves you so much and He wants what is good for you!
Good for you for coming on here looking for answers! For trying and fighting to do what is right for your marriage! Im proud of you for taking that initiative!!
I pray blessings upon you and yours!

Tina - posted on 12/07/2010

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Everything starts out small. A baby learning to walk falls many times before he gets it. With each try he is able to take one, two, three extra steps until one day he is able to run, not just walk!! But only after he has fallen many, many many, times!
I was never able to keep my house clean. As hard as I tried it was always a disaster by the end of the day. But little by little I taught myself, all the while praying for Gods help. It started with being able to keep it clean for a couple of days, then weeks, then a month. it took me almost 6 years before it clicked and even now I sometimes struggle with it. But it is so much easier to do it now and I recognize when I am slacking in areas much quicker, making it easier to catch up!
My point is... you say it only goes well for a couple, few weeks and then goes bad again... That to means that with each time it should be getting better and then one day he/ you will master it!

Do all things as unto the Lord and NOT as unto men. Are you right with God? Are YOU doing what would make God Proud? Only YOU can control what You do... you are not responsible for him... you just make sure you are doing what God would have you do and the rest will follow!

Does God want you to carry through with this court case? Or does He want you to sow mercy? Maybe God has a different way to get through to him then what you are currently trying to punish him with!!!?
Justice is mine "I" shall repay!!!! Says the Lord. Do not take revenge..... Do what is right as unto the Lord and He will take care of the rest!!!

Sara - posted on 12/07/2010

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You need to know that you can love and support him. But it sounds like he has a lot of cross' to carry and you can not carry them for him. If you seek God and God instructs you to help him then you help him. If he doesn't then what is from him past mistkes you can not take care of them for him. The letting go of trying to control everything is the toughest part, but once you do, you will have so much more peace and joy in your life. We are our own worst enemy's we pick up loads that are not ours and then get pissed off when the other person is not following our agendas.

Be a good wife, pray for him, love on him when you can but other then that if you do not argue back he will stop fighting. There is something you are doing to cause the cycle. Figure out what it is and stop doing it. While boys can be dumb all on their own we tend to do stuff to degrade them and they become ugly. Let go of trying to be both husband and wife. I am telling you it works. Good luck

Carla - posted on 12/07/2010

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Praying for you, honey. He has opened up to you, which was great! But old habits are hard to change, and men have a tendency of doin' real good for a couple weeks, then falling back into the old ways. This problem is NOT something that can be fixed with therapy alone. His male ego is shattered because of his illiteracy--he can't provide for his family, he feels ashamed, and thinks you are ashamed of him, too. He doesn't want the children to know his 'secret', and he feels trapped. Imagine, if you couldn't read well, going to the police to get his ticket/warrant/whatever straightened out when you don't know if they're going to make you sign something that will put him in jail! Sometimes legalese is hard enough to understand when you CAN read, let alone if you can't.

Baby, you need to pray. God loves your husband just as much as He loves you. He has trusted you with a person with special needs, and you need to understand His will in your role in all this. Can you have reading classes after the children are in bed so he doesn't have to be embarrassed in front of the children? Are there continuing education courses at your local school district he could go to? He would be surrounded by other adults who have the same problem, so he might feel more comfortable. My mom taught these courses for years, and most of the teachers who have these classes are very kind and helpful.

I don't want to see anyone divorce, and especially to split up the family during the Holidays. You need to seek God for the answers, honey.

God bless

Cecilia - posted on 12/06/2010

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Seems like the same old thing keeps repeating itself it goes good for a few weeks then it's right back to the same old routine. Now we are fighting about me not wanting to dismiss his court case in kansas city I was going to dismiss it but it happened again in Nevada so I don't feel that I should let him off easy he keeps saying he's not going to kansas city to take care of it and I told him that they will come arrest you or have someone in Nevada put you back in jail If you don't go, he doesn't seem to care and once again it's my fault because he says I don't want to help him by not dismissing his case.

Maureen - posted on 11/27/2010

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Cecilia, only you know the special thing that you saw in your husband. It may hurt now but keep on praying. One thing you need to know is that whilst God is working on you and your husband, the devil is working on you big time. Thats is why you are thinking of getting out. Nothing good comes easy, it may seem like it does for some people but the truth is its not easy. Hold on in there and know marriage is the plan of God. Just like man was His plan, and He would rather die than let man go, when you give your marriage (which was originally His plan) He would rather die than let you guys go to waste. M
Right now that you have prayed for your husband a lot, STOP. Start thanking God for him, and for the peace that He is giving you. Sing praises around the house. Even when your heart is heavy. Cos praises lift your spirits higher. AND PRAISE IS WHERE GOD DWELLS.

Sandy - posted on 11/20/2010

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That is wonderful. Now we need to pray that he will seek advice and feel comfortable to get help. There are some amazing men out there that are more than willing to help if they are just asked. If I were him I would seek them out at church. it might even lead to a job in the future. One that can be a life long one. I know of many that have hidden problems and done that for years. the great thing is when they begin to look to God and seek help, their whole outlook on life changes for the good. We will be praying for that for your husband. In the mean time you keep up your end in lots of prayer and Bible study. Join a ladyies Bible group if there is one available.

Carla - posted on 11/20/2010

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Thank God, honey! That was a big break-through, and a tough thing for a man to admit. God is answering, and now you need to seek Him even more as to how to help your man. God obviously wants you two together. As I told you, marriage is a lot of times ugly! But when we get through the tough times, it makes the good times even sweeter.

God bless, honey, keep us informed

Cecilia - posted on 11/20/2010

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God does still do miracles, last night he was packing all his things and was about to leave and he broke into tears, I told him you need to get help for yourself find some christian men that will counsel you and he also said he doesn't know how to read or write very well and I told him you can overcome that by asking for help and to not be ashamed. I also said that if he got a job for even 4 hours a day it would help our marriage even more, he isn't able to make any financial contributions and I think that it affects him greatly, and therefore he takes out his anger on me. So I'm keeping my guard up but am continuing to be loving and respectful to him regardless of how he is to me. I thank you all for you prayers and awesome advice and wisdom. I hope to never have to post anything negative as this again, and I will post an update on how things are going once we start seeing seperate therapists and all. God bless you all :)

Miko - posted on 11/20/2010

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Hi Cicilia, my name is Tamiko and I read your story and I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I have been married for 4yrs. now and I love everything about it. My husband is supportive and he make sure that everything is in order. I wouldn't never want anyone to leave their husband over some minor problems, I would say work it out, but in your situations I will never stay with someone who is abusive. (AT ALL) Trust what he said that he will mess up your life. If you need someone to talk to you can write me back any time.

Sandy - posted on 11/19/2010

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You can't change him and that is not your job. Your job is to look inside yourself and to make sure your life is spotless. To make sure you have cleaned house in your own life. Is there anything that you might be doing that you souldn't be doing. In other words spend a lot of time in prayer and Bible study and allow God to change you. As you do this if he is a halfway willing vessel God can change him as well. Of course you need to make sure that he does not hurt you or the child. You can't not stay for that. You need to love him with the kind of love that Jesus had. You need to , if you will, submit to him. Now hold on.. I didn't say lay down and be a doormat. I said submit as the church submits to the Lord. You love him, you have that deep desire to do what is best for him, to care for him and to love him. Except for the hardening of the hearts (I believe some of this is due to the man that wants to be a slave owner and not a husband and head of the home LIKE Christ is the head of the Church.
Because of harden hearts you have to protect your son and yourself. Please regardless of what you end up doing, please trust in Jesus because that is the only way I could see you really getting through.
May God bless.

LaTisha - posted on 11/19/2010

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Sweetie keep your head held high and remember that the Lord sees all and hears all. He knows your pain and sorrow. Keep your faith and all will prevail at the end ! -- LaTisha Vaughan Harris

Fleur - posted on 11/19/2010

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Sometimes the person we think we love, really doesn't love and care as we would like them to. Remember God loves unconditionally, if he is messing with your head he is definitely not forgiving, gentle, and showing God-like qualities. If you can describe God and your husband the same, then I would say pray and work on your marriage. But I see some abusive tendencies that are only going to get worse. Pray, but take actions to see where God wants you to go. Having a new house is great, but a house is not a home without love, compassion, and partnership. I will pray for you and you situation. God bless you .

Debbie - posted on 11/19/2010

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Sometimes, though it's hard to believe, God's will is not always for the marriage to survive. I went through a similar situation with my ex but I kept holding on, trying to make it better on my own. It takes two. I finally started praying that the Lord would show me His will for our situation and He pretty much did, by having my husband move out. Since then I have remarried to a wonderful man and we have a wonderful life. But the first step is to seek out God's will for your life. If He wants you to stay together, He will make it work. You can't do anything.

Jodie - posted on 11/19/2010

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Well don't believe his lie that you cannot do it on your own. If God takes us to a place in life, however painful and terrifying it may be, He will be faithful to carry us through. Do not forget that our God is capable of great miracles! Do not fear what your future holds, because no matter the circumstances, as a child of God, your future holds an eternity with your loving, magnificent, holy Savior!!! :)
If you have been faithful to your husband despite his lack of faithfulness and care for you, then you have honored God. If you have been seeking the Lord's counsel and done what you can to fight for your marriage to survive, then you have honored God. If your husband is so far from Christ that he would treat you in such a way, resist repentance, and seek divorce, you are not responsible for it. If your husband does not wish to fight for your marriage and wants to divorce, God will allow it, because he cannot be held to the standards of the Bible because he is not a true follower of Christ. (See 1 Cor. 7:15) If he makes a sincere effort to mend your marriage by repenting, allow it. But do not put your children or yourself in harm's way. I think you need to have some time where he is not trying to get inside your head. He needs to work on his own personal issues. He should no longer be allowed to try and hide his failures by making you feel responsible for them. He must carry his own responsibilities. If you do not have a place to go, I'm sure a good nearby church will be happy to supply some loving kindness towards a sister in Christ. I think he definitely has things to work out on his own, and he is not going to be able to change overnight. If he does make an effort, his progress may be slow. In this case, do not abandon or give up on him, but it is ok to remain at a safe distance until true progress is being met. Be sure that all your decisions are made prayerfully and in accordance to His Word. God will guide you. He is our Good Shepherd. Listen for His voice and follow it and it alone. Seek and you will find. Ask and it will be answered. (Matt. 7:7) God will provide you with all the support you need. It may not be easy, and it may be terrifying, but your faith in Him will allow Him to take you places He couldn't have before. He will bless your faithfulness and reward your soul.
I love you, my sister. You are in my prayers. And thank you so much for keeping us posted.

Christina - posted on 11/19/2010

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First, you are not required (even as a Christian wife) to stay and be abused. Also, think about what your son is seeing. When a boy watches abuse in his home as a young boy he will grow up to abuse the women in his life. This may even include you as he grows up to be a teen.

I would never say divorce is a good option but he seems to only want to make your life miserable so don't allow him to. Walk away before it gets worse.

Chris

Shirley - posted on 11/19/2010

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Do you know what pride is? It is a little thing that can keep us away from loved ones and make us feel that we are better than them. If your counseling isn't working, maybe you both need a different counselor. It's possible that it has nothing to do with you. Sometimes the person yelling and screaming is reaching out but they don't know how to express themselves. Try a Biblical approach. It may work wonders

Ericka - posted on 11/19/2010

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Honey it is impossible to give stable advice when you have but one side of the story. It sounds like you both are going through counciling that's great. Next, you work on you and don't worry about him. Love him in spite of him. If he becomes violent leave, period. Continue to love and treat him well. Men need this. It sounds like something financial is on his mind. If he is having a problem providing this could shake the very core of a man. Get in your scripture allow Father to work on you and the rest will fall in to place. Blessings, all will be fine.

Sara - posted on 11/19/2010

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Cecilia, I am sorry you are going through this I agree totally with Carla. My husband and I almost divorced 2 years ago. I told him to get out and he really didn't have anywhere to go, so he slept in the office. He was out with girls and everything. I was not mad about that I was mad he was still there and doing it. Anyway I was so angry and mad and when people would say I will pray for your marriage. I would say "no don't". I was angry at God, angry at myself and at my husband. I knew other people had mericals happen in there marriage and I wanted no part of it for mine. One day God broke my heart and I told hubby I wanted to work on it. So we started slow. About 7 months into the new relationship. He asked me if I was happily married and my answer was "No". He was shocked. We didn't know how to change it. Here was the major issue, "We" were trying to fix the marriage and each other. Until we brought God into the middle of it nothing changed, not the marriage and not either of us. I am like you I read every book out there. My hubby though would read only the sex part in every book (how's that workin for you buddy boy). I so wanted to smack him. But I found one book called. The Blessed Marriage by Robert Morris and every time I finished it I opened it and started it again until I really got it . Let me tell you what I learned from this book." I"...did you get that "I "SUCK at marriage. So I started to make changes and so did hubby. We went to this marriage weekend and it changed our lives. I see you are in K.C so it might be close enough for you guys to go. It is awesome it is not like any other marriage class, seminar and or weekend I ever went to. It was life altering. http://kingdomlifestyleministries.com/en...

There is a video of testimonies on the right hand side. We are the cheesy ones with the sexy bald man.



I pray blessing over you and your home. I pray love and respect for you and your husband. Most of all I pray the Lord will become the center of your marriage. You two need to put down your weapons and pick up the sword (Bible) then fall down on your face and seek God. Only praise one another. It can work, I promise. We do not argue anymore he doesn't scream at me, he doesn't get in my face. I don't try to minipulate him anymore. It is wonderful. If you want to talk personally let me know. I am hear for you.

Merry - posted on 11/19/2010

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I think he might get on his knees if you leave with his son and demand some respect before coming back. Or tell him there's no chance you will come back. Heneeds to know you seriously expect change or you are done. You can't have your son learning to abuse you. He is learning it now and it's gotta stop. Please contact your family, move back with them and start new. If or when he actually changes, don't jump the gun on accepting him.take your time, make it like 6 months of only positive attitudes before you take him back.
God never wants our kids to learn to abuse, that's your main priority now, guarding your sons mind and heart. He has to be priority over the marriage until you know he is safe mentally emotionally and physically.

Amber - posted on 11/19/2010

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Sweet Sister Cecilia,



Now-in-days, society teaches us that if you don't like it, just leave. I view marriage this way . . . Will your mother always be your mother? Will your Father always be your Father? What about a sister, brother, child, won't you always have that relationship bond? Well the same is true with your husband. The family that God has given us, cannot be thrown away. If you keep this understanding in mind as you endure the current trials in your marriage, it may give you the hopeful confidence that God wants you to have. Do you believe that God has the power to heal your marriage? If so, get down on YOUR knees sister. Cry out to the Lord, He wants you to turn to Him.



Clearly, your husband has some anger issues if he is acting out in the ways you have described. However, in my experience, it takes two people to escalate an agrument. What I mean by that is, there will be a dialogue back and forth. Voices get louder, words become harsher, etc. Have you ever witnessed a person agruing with themselves? We cannot escalate a monologue; it doesnt happen. You cannot change him or his behavior, but you are EMPOWERED to change yours. Do you know that you can greatly influence his behavior, by changing yours? You will need strength and guidence in order to do so. This is the time to call upon the Lord. First, to renew your mind and spirit; to see your husband as God sees him and to strengthen you. Secondly, pray that God will convict your husband to change according to God's purpose for your marriage.



Take comfort in this scripture: Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help, I will uphold you with My righteous hand.



Father God, you raise the dead. All things are possible for you. Lord, I lift up Cecilia to you. I pray for you to strengthen her, build her, give her the wisdom and endurance to persevere through the trials she is having in her marriage. Lord, Father God, please put a hedge of angels of peace around her home to comfort and protect her and her family that the enemy cannot penetrate through so she may have effective communion and prayer with you. Father, I pray that you soften the heart of Cecilia's husband, that he does not speak harshly to her or act out in anger toward her or in the presence of their child. Lord you see the heart of all and have the power to change the heart. Lord do a great work in this marriage so that Cecilia and everyone who is touching this situation will be able to be witness to your Love, Mercy and Glory. Thank you Father, for the gift of marriage; let us honor and protect it. I pray for these things in the name of our Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen

Toni - posted on 11/19/2010

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You are very likely correct: "...it sounds like he has issues that he hasn't dealt with inside himself but he won't admit it." He may not even understand it himself, although I suspect that he grew up in an abusive home, where communication &/or being in touch with personal feelings was not practiced well. Unless he is willing to face up to the fact that he needs to get a grip on his anger & understand the reasons for his feelings, he cannot change. Please encourage him to go to counseling with you - and it must be non-threatening to him - so you can both figure out a better way to deal with what's going on in his heart & mind. ... If he refuses and continues the abuse, you don't have much choice but to protect yourself & your child. (Children do learn what they live). :-\

Cecilia - posted on 11/18/2010

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Well ladies it seems the cycle never ends he and I started arguing again and it escalated into yelling and cursing all in front of our son while I was giving him a bath, he says he's going to leave but what he needs is a safe place to clear his head and get some professional help, I don't think he needs to go anywhere with irrational thinking he even talked about comitting suicide again, he also said he wanted to find a lawyer and sign divorce papers. He keeps threatening me and telling me I can't take care of myself and Jayden on my own. Ladies please pray that he will come to his senses and kneel down before God and ask for forgiveness and that he will see me the way he once did before and the same for me that I will come clean before God and recognize my sins, and help me to become a better person for myself, and that I will see him the way I once did in the beginning. I know theres good in him somewhere.

Carla - posted on 11/18/2010

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@Nicole DeMoss--honey, I am sorry you are going through this. People that come from dysfunctional families raise dysfunctional children, and the circle goes round and round. If you've never been shown love, you don't have the vaguest idea how to show it. Anger issues abound. If he was agreeable to go to the doctor for medication, maybe the doctor can recommend counselling for him--Christian counselling, if possible. Men need to be taught how to be good husbands and fathers, just as women need to be shown how to cook, change a diaper, clean, etc. Pray for him. He's obviously hurting. Find Christian classes that teach a man how to be a Man of God, to treat their wives as their own bodies, how to respond lovingly to his children. You have the Love of Jesus in you, which helps you love those that aren't very lovely. He doesn't. He needs someone to show him the way. Finally, pray for Godly older men to step up to the plate and teach the men. Our society is in desperate need of people to teach the young. The 'Me' Generation has turned all of us into selfish, self-centered creatures. We NEED Jesus to shine through mentors to re-instruct our children.

God bless, honey

Nicole - posted on 11/18/2010

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I'm so sorry to hear about your struggle. It is the same thing that I go through. I feel like I live on a roller coaster with my husband. I never know what to expect, one day he is as sweet as can be and the next day he is moody and unhappy. We have a 2 yr old together and I have a 10 yr old son. My toddler only wants to be around me which is very tough. I work a full time job and when I come home all she wants is me and even if I leave the room she cries which wakes him up or upsets him and he starts yelling. Everyone is walking on egg shells. I am the kids rock and support. He does not know how to communicate and gets angry very easily. He finally went to the doctor to get on medication and the doctor told him that his job is the problem. He works 12 hr shifts and leaves for work at 2 am. I am unconvinced. He came from a broken home, does not have a loving family, and has no idea how to communicate with me or the world. At this point, due to financial reasons, I am stuck. I feel like even though he is not physically abusive, his verbal and mental abuse takes its toll on me. While I believe in God and being a Christian, I do not believe that HE would want me to be abused. I hope that you can get out for the sake of your child or he will learn that it is ok to treat others that way. My 10 yr old has been in the middle of our situation for 7 yrs which has caused emotional and mental upset for him. He now treats me the way my husband does. This is not what I wanted for my children.

Carla - posted on 11/18/2010

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@Amber, you are absolutely right! Jesus gave us undeserved mercy and grace, and gives it to us new, every morning. We are, then, to give that UNDESERVED mercy to others in our lives. This completes His plan of the circle of grace that changes people's hearts.

@Cecilia, I know you are torn in every which way, and are exhausted to death with all the drama. But marriage is tough. I forget how long you've been married, but, honestly, honey, Mark and I didn't get our stuff together for 30 years! It was ugly a lot of the time. But, when push came to shove, I couldn't imagine living with another man! So I took the initiative and started praying for US BOTH. Once I started changing, I started looking at our situation differently, and was able to show him grace. The tension lessened in our house, and God was able to move.

This is something you have to figure out. IF you are truly frightened, separate. If you want this to work, get on your face before your God. This means humbling yourself and asking what can I do to fix ME. God always works better when we are honest and say 'hey, I know I am at least 50% guilty in this relationship'. Whether you guys EVER get back together, YOU have to make sure you are right with God.

God bless, honey, I am praying for strength, courage and mercy for you.

Amber - posted on 11/17/2010

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A woman posted a comment about a book called, The Power of a Praying Wife. I checked out the book recently at my church library. I set it aside for about a week, because I thought, "Why should I pray for him, he is the one at fault most times?" After I read the first two chapters, I got it! Only God can change the heart. We can tell our husbands what areas need change, but ONLY GOD can really make the change. First pray for yourself, that you can put aside your resentment, bitterness, unforgiveness (not that it may/may not be justified) Confess it to the Lord so you can pray with a renewed and pure heart. Then begin to pray for your husband. Everyday pray for his anger, etc. Be sure to check your own heart first, so that your prayers will not be hindered. Be faithful to praying for your husband daily, and you will begin to see change. Our Father despises divorce and he wants to restore your marriage. Sometimes it takes this act of selflessness and faithful prayer (I understand you may not be at fault and his behavior is not justified) but Lord will not turn his face from a wife with a pure heart, praying for her husband. Everything is repairable and God is in the business of restoring lives! God bless you, and I pray for a spirit of protection and peace over you, and your marriage while He works restoration in your lives. Give it all to God and He will make the necessary changes. Peace be upon you.

Cecilia - posted on 11/17/2010

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He said that but has made no effort to do it, I don't want to say anything I shouldn't have to he should take the initiave and no it's not really back to normal, I think he just forgot what he did and thinks I'm going to always bail him out when he needs it. In some ways he's trying to not raise his voice when we talk and I appreciate that but honestly I don't see it working out in the long run......

Carla - posted on 11/17/2010

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I gotta get off tonight, so I will say again, honey, only you can truly decide if you are in danger. I pray God's protection over you and your son.

Carla - posted on 11/17/2010

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4 days ago you said he wanted to get a job. So does that mean that ALL things have gone back to normal?

Cecilia - posted on 11/17/2010

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I'm actually really confused because he doesn't really act any differently towards me but if it was me in his situation I'd be trying everything to please him, but he doesn't make that effort, I still see the anger in him, I see no change in trying to get a job, he still complains, has an attitude, oh and the other night I tried to get close to him while he was sleeping he just acts like he's so uninterested like always, the only thing he wants I feel is sex, there are times where we go a week without even touching each other or kissing nothing at all, I feel honestly that he is not interested in me as a person but as an object he can control.

Carla - posted on 11/17/2010

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Okay, sweetie, as of 4 days ago, you said he was praying and was acting better; have things gone back to normal? I kinda got the idea that you were encouraged by his talking to you and praying. So, I guess I have to ask--which is real? Do you feel in your spirit that he is honestly trying, or is this a ploy to get you to calm down? Only you can answer this. And if you truly feel nothing has changed, he needs to go. I went back over your posts to make sure I had the right info. Correct me if I am wrong, but he threw you on the couch, wouldn't let you leave the house, he threw a lamp, ripped off your headphones and threw your computer. These are the signs of a VERY angry man. You had him put in jail for assault.

These are questions only prayer can answer, honey. IF you truly believe God is protecting you, and that you are to stay, stay. But if you are getting any 'vibes' I call them, but feelings that you should put some space between you, DO IT!

Holy Spirit, You are our Protector, and we thank You for that. But You are also the Teacher, and will lead us into all Truth. Cecilia NEEDS Truth right now! Speak to her in ways she will not misunderstand, then give her peace in her decision. Amen

God bless, darling, pray, pray, pray!

Cecilia - posted on 11/17/2010

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I don't feel that I am in any real danger then again I may be naieve, this is the second time something like this has happened except now I or he have nowhere to turn to. No family to help out, I keep thinking about separation but don't know how it would work out as I work and have a child that would need to be in daycare and I guess I'm thinking of everyone elses well being instead of mine and I tend to feel sorry for my husband cuz he has no money and nowhere to live if I asked him to leave me. It's really not a good situation I don't feel the same towards him though I act like I do I think we need to have a significant amount of time apart but I'm too afraid to live on my own and worried about him to actually go through with it. Please advise.............

I read all these website about abused women and know the signs are there and alot of the things are true in my marriage and even though I see them I don't choose to do anything about it, it's that uncertaintity that scares me to death, though I know God will help me I am still unsure of what to do?

Pamela - posted on 11/17/2010

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Ceclia, while agree that prayer is the most important thing you can do first, you have to remove yourself from the situation, immediately. Do not change your mind about filing for separation, because he has seen your pattern of behavior and is using it against you. Get out. He already has moved you from where you probably had friends and support. That is a major danger signal. Do you have family that can help you? Does your church have any options for abused spouses, and believe me, you are abused. And so is your son. I was married to an abusive alcoholic for over 25 years and the damage that marriage did to my children is incalculable. My daughter has turned from God, because as you know, a father figure is the first hint of what God is supposed to be like. My son is in the military and the more dangerous the job, the better he likes it. I really don't think he cares much about his life. All of his relationships have failed even though he is gentle and caring with the girlfriends he has had. They have walked all over him. In refusing to be anything like his father, he has gone so far the other way, all he does is get hurt. I am thankful though that he is a Christian.
You need to get out in order to be able to pray without being in a panic mode. Your son will remember all this violence and see that you put up with it, and when he grows up, could very well expect his girlfriend or wife to do the same thing. If for nothing else, leave for your son. My prayer for you is this: Father God, be a comfort and strong protector for Cecilia. While her husband needs Your guidance too, I fear for her well being while she and her son are with him. Lord God, You did not design the marriage relationship to be one of fear and anger. Please give Cecilia the strength to do what she must for her own safety and that of her son. When they are safe from harm, guide her and her husband to a true and loving relationship if that is Your will for them. Please provide Cecilia and her son sanctuary. Please bring someone into her life to aid in this endeavor. All praise and honor to You, oh Holy and Righteous Father. Be a father to Cecilia's son. Amen.

Tab - posted on 11/17/2010

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I have two grown children and have suffered some of the same miseries. If you would like someone to talk to please email me @ tabhauser@gmail.com

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