i need help with my marriage and believeth....

Cari - posted on 12/11/2010 ( 10 moms have responded )




im not sure what im doing anymore with my marriage not really even sure i want it... i dont feel love anymore, and dont really feel anything... im not sure what to do anymore... everyday is a struggle.... i used to be real into church and really close to God but i dont even know who i am anymore... i dont want to do anything all i do is work and come home and be miserable... i dont know what im really asking... just some ideas or suggestions i guess... everything is just so hard and confusing....


Heather - posted on 12/12/2010




Cari, I would like to encourage you that love is a choice. While you might not always "feel" love, if you choose to love your husband, you will. God designed marriages to last forever. I am going through the 30-day husband encouragement challenge with a couple of my friends right now. I have done it before, but it is just so wonderful that I wanted to do it again. It transformed my marriage the first time (and I thought I had a pretty good one). If you are interested in checking it out, you can sign up for free at Revive Our Hearts website. They send you one e-mail a day with the part of the challenge for that day. I really recommend it. Here's the link:
It's the second one listed.

Rebekah - posted on 12/18/2010




Time for a vacation with your husband - go back and remember the "falling in love" stage!!! :) As married couples we have a tendency to forget the "romance" anymore and it makes things stagnant and then we lose sight of everything. But the "I don't feel love anymore" - we have to remember that LOVE is verb, not an emotion! The love God speaks of in the Bible is called "agape" love, it requires a decision, an action and it is always uncondititional. If God wanted us to love with "phileo" love, it would always be based on an emotion and that comes and goes with the wind... we would never truly feel love or even choose to love if this was the love He required of us. Seek out the choice to love and pray for God's help and strength with this.

Carla - posted on 12/12/2010




Cari, darling, you are experiencing life! Ya get up, get everyone ready for the day, throw them in the car, drop off at sitters, run to work, work all day, go get the kids, run home, make dinner, clean the house, get them ready for bed, clean the house again, and fall into bed. We get caught up in this vicious circle and don't know how to get off. We think we have to do everything perfect, and end up empty. Perfection is a myth.

Pray, sweetie. Ask the Lord HOW you can accomplish what you need to in the time allotted, WITHOUT running like a chicken with your head cut off. What doesn't need to be done? How many activities does your family have outside the home? Dr. James Dodson from Focus on the Family said, a long time ago, that they had their children have ONE activity each. They had done the multiple football, soccer, tennis, dance lessons, music lessons, and they were on the same merry-go-round and having an empty life. Does the floor need to be vacuumed every day? Can it get a lick and a promise with the hand-held vac for spot clean-ups? Do your floors need mopping every night, or again, a spot clean for the spaghetti the baby spit out ;)

My mother taught me the value of a schedule, and it served me well. I was working with 2 kids by age 18. If I hadn't had a schedule, I don't think I would be here with what few marbles I have ;) Schedule what NEEDS to be done and stick to it!

When we first get married, we have the lusty love to carry us through. But when LIFE shows up, you have so many other things crowd in, and the romantic love changes to married/children love. But we don't understand that, and TV and books tell us that we should have the soap opera life goin' on, or we divorce and find someone who will keep this up. This is fantasy, and disaster to marriages. Hubby is feeling the pressure, too. He is probably wondering what happened to your idyllic life before children, too! These are cycles in our life, and they are good. We just have to understand that love changes. It grows into mature love that doesn't have to be constantly affirmed in order to exist.

Sit down and take a hard assessment of what you are doing. What needs to be done, what you want to do, and what you should do. Then put it all in priority. Make sure you set aside time for Bible study--not just Bible reading. Bible reading is fine, but in order to actually get life out of your life, you need to study to see what exactly Paul was talking about when he was telling us tend to your home, your husband, love God, etc.

It takes a lifetime to figure out life, honey. Stop, quit panicking, and talk to the Father. He has raised a LOT of kids, and has gotten them through the hard times and into the beautiful Light of Him. You CAN get through this and come out the other side beautiful!

God bless, honey

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Cecilia - posted on 12/25/2010




I was feeling exactly how you are feeling and someone already said it but Love is not a feeling it's a choice either we can choose to love even when we don't feel loved or we can complain and not see any changes. It's hard to look at yourself and ask am I really doing all that I can to make it work and am I showing love and respect to my husband because to be honest I was not doing any of those things for my husband and we were almost close to divorcing. Keep seeking God ask him to show you what you need to do and he will.

♥TIA♥ - posted on 12/22/2010




Let the sparks fly and start all over again. You have grown and so has he. For the next years of your lives. Re live and kindle your marriage, rather than what you both have settled to the norm. Good luck and have a wonderful happy new year! Date nights are awesome. Think young, Think love. I feel you will be fine.

Jennifer - posted on 12/21/2010




Oh Hun, it's time to seek the Lord fervently. He is there just waiting for you to turn and tell Him your worries.

Oh Loving Father, I lift my sister Cari to You. Lord, I ask that You continue to seek her so that she will feel You calling her name. God, I ask that You step into her life and marriage and make the necessary adjustments. That You show her how to change her life and show her what true love is. Lord, I ask that as she seeks Your will that You also work in her husbands life. That he seek You and make changes as well. Sometimes we need to be reminded that we're loved. You are our ultimate source of love and joy. God I thank You for this opportunity to lift each other up in this way and to have a place to come to be rallied by other moms and women. Lord bless Cari in her life that she find the peace and joy in You. In Your Sweet and Heavenly Name, Amen

Diana - posted on 12/17/2010




hi cari. i do not have any remedy, or quick fix to ur concerns. but what i do have is this...the Word of God. in the Bible, in Isaiah 54:4-8, it says this: "Do not fear for you will not be ashamed; neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame; For you will forget the shame of your youth, and will not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore. For your Maker is your husband. the LORD of hosts is His name and your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel; He is called the God of the whole earth. For the LORD has chosen you, like a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, like a youthful wife when you were refused." says your God, "For a mere moment I have forsaken you but with great mercies I will gather you up; with a little wrath I hid My face from you, for a moment; but with everlasting kindness I will have mercy on you" says the LORD your Redeemer." i can only speak from my experience, and i dont pretend to know what u r going through, but i will say this. ur words posted have come from my mouth. in fact it has only been a year since i uttered those words aloud. i needed to fall to my knees and be humbled knowing how big and powerful both my God and my Enemy r. i say this becuz there r many things working against u right now. Satan is very real and so is God. Satan does not want ur marriage to work and he will do anything to break ur trust in ur husband. the best part about falling flat on ur face b4 our holy Redeemer is that there is nowhere to go but up. God has been my only strength. a good church family is always helpful to keep one accountable. i am very much a book person, and have many books on marriage and my relationship with Christ. some ppl r not book readers, and for those i recommend a good friend who is a good listener and has a solid faith in Christ. female to female. i am still learning and cultivating a praying heart for not only my husband but my kids as well. i give u props for being a working mama. i have the priviledge of being a stay at home mom. i say that and slightly grimace too, for being at home with 3 toddlers, is a big challenge too. sometimes, like i said, we need to fall to get back up. i will pray for you right now cari, and pray that this post finds u doing ok and really seeking out wisdom from a good older woman, and digging into the Bible for more truths to cling to. the only way to fight off the attacks from Satan is to pick up ur "Sword"(the Bible). i will close with one very good book entitled Lies Women Believe by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. i recommend this to any woman of any age, married or single, with or without kids. go to God, cari, He will be bigger than u ever imagined and more forgiving than we ever think possible.

Sandy - posted on 12/16/2010




1) If you ever hear of a marraige seminar called "A Weekend to Remember" by FamilyLife, GO TO IT!!!! 2) It sounds like you are being a Martha (just like me). We need to become a Mary. Make time to sit at Jesus' feet and listen to Him. It gives new perspective to the lives we live and how we can be Christ-like in the everyday things we do.

Heidi - posted on 12/14/2010




I agree marriage is so hard. Sometimes I think the same way you do. But I cling to the fact that I swore an oath before God that I meant, and I try to see all the good in my life and in my mate. Some days it is really hard, but I try to keep pressing on. ANd I pray for my husband and my family. We both need to give ourselves more fully over to CHrist. This is probably where we are lacking most and it spills over into our marriage. Best wishes.

Theresa - posted on 12/13/2010




I think the other 2 ladies have given EXCELLENT advice. And like Heather said, love is a choice, not a feeling. I found a book that I found very helpful when my husband and I were going through a really rough patch in our marriage. It's called "What Husbans Need" by Judy Carden. I got it at my local Christian bookstore, but I know you can get it on Amazon too. You can't change your husband or his attitude, but you can change you! By applying the principles in this book and changing the way you treat your husband you can make a difference in how he responds to you in turn. I found that after I read this book and tried some of the things my husband's attitude and responses changed and we became closer. Not saying it's a miracle cure, but I found it to be very helpful. It played a part in saving our marriage. Good luck.

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