I need some advice

Tonilyn - posted on 05/24/2012 ( 10 moms have responded )

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A couple of days ago, I found an email my husband sent to a friend from the past (Who I have told him to stop all communication with, because I could see that she wanted more than friendship, of course, after she found out he was married) I asked him to stop talking to her a few years ago. Anyway, this email started out "Hi there pretty lady" and went on to say how he was sorry that he missed her phone call again! and that got really drunk when she was here!!! I had NO idea she was even in town! and worse, that they were out together. I confronted him and asked when this happened and he said it was superbowl weekend, which was in FEBRUARY. So, he has been keeping this from me for several months. He went on to say that he didn't even know she was in town and she just showed up while he was out with his friends. He said that at one point in the night he went out to get fresh air and she followed him out and told him how she felt about him and that it should have been them that got married. He said he then got angry at her and walked away to a friends house. He said that the next morning he thought the whole thing was a dream, and didn't think it happened for real. She called him a few more times and that's when he said he wrote the email to her. She called him again, then she said that she really meant what she had said that night (because he didn't remember) he asked her, and she told him how she felt again. He told me he told her to stop and that he had a family, so does she. Then he said he asked his friends what happened that night and they told him that he got angry at her and left and that after he was gone she started talking crap about me, this woman has no idea who I am. I really don't know what to believe, I want to believe my husband but there are just too many holes in his story. If he did tell her off that night, why was she calling him after the fact? and why did he write that email? I told him that I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt because we have a family and I'm trying to see past it. God says that marriage is forever and we have to endure. I'm trying HARD, but I just can't seem to move on. It's bothering me. How can I get through this hurt I'm feeling?

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Carla - posted on 05/27/2012

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Tonilyn--if you are satisfied with the advice and results you got, would you close this thread?

God bless, honey, keep trusting God!

Carla - posted on 05/25/2012

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I think Angela's advice of meeting with her face-to-face is marvelous. But Hubby HAS to be part of this. Otherwise there will be the 'he said' 'she said', and you will never really know what is what. Pray and fast before the meeting, and ask the Holy Spirit to reveal the real emotions and agendas behind this 'whatever it is'.

The high of the 'chase' is very heady, and is, therefore, very addicting. I think having Hubby in on this meeting, and understanding that, yes, he can have this woman if he wants her, but the divorce, child support, spousal support, division of ALL property being a very real possibility might clear his head of the spiders web this woman has woven over him. Believe me, been there, done that.

Changing his e-mail or blocking them without this being his idea and doing it together will only cause problems. Men do NOT want to feel mothered by their wives. And, we know that if one road is blocked, they will find another one if they so desire. So, my dear, pray and fast, the two of you together meet with this woman, then tell him, as calmly and rationally as you can manage, that you WILL divorce him if he continues--then the ball is directly in his court. There's nothing you can do unless the Holy Spirit goes before you.

God bless, we're praying for you.

Yvette - posted on 05/25/2012

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sometime it's hard to trust someone who lies about simple thing .especially your husband whom you love for so many years. But trust GOD to show you the way and the answeres what you'r looking for. Don't asked him anymore about the situation. Sometimes friends helps friends ti hide secrets from their partners.

Stephanie - posted on 05/24/2012

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I am sorry that you are in this situation, I will say a prayer for you. Try not to jump to conclusions, that is hard I know. But don't let your mind wander, or make up what you think could have happened (which we all do sometimes). Try to get a little closer to your husband, let him know (through kind deeds, etc.) how much you value him and appreciate him and love him. Make sure you give him the love and attention he needs/desires so he feels completed by you.As a very last resort, you could try contacting this woman and ask her politely to please stop contacting your husband.

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Philippa - posted on 05/27/2012

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Broken trust is so hard to endured, but it can be endured if you are prepared to. If there is a willingness on both your and your husbands side to move forward your marriage can and will get better, be more fruitful, more beautiful, even a testimony. Divorce won't make it easier and it won't dissolve the hurt. There are two books I suggest you read Every Woman's Marriage and Every Man's Marriage, I am sorry I can't remember the authors. They saved my marriage.

Praying for healing and restoration. God is faithful!

Kari - posted on 05/26/2012

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I really & truly hope he has no contact with her again. However, how are you going to know if he does? He obviously kept it from you before. It doesn't seem as if he's telling the truth; maybe you should talk to HIS FRIENDS to see what really happened that night. Few people are going to tell the truth in this situation, esp. when backed into a corner.
I dated a guy for awhile & the whole time I just had a bad feeling...turns out I should've trusted my guy which told me he was lying. People can (& do) lie, even the ones who love us.
Stay strong but PAY ATTENTION to what he's doing.

Carla - posted on 05/26/2012

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Isn't God good, Tonilyn? We are thanking Him for being in control of our situations when there is nothing we can do but trust Him.

Your statement about being there for US if we need you is the reason why so many of us have stayed with this community, even after we have had our problems solved ;) I have formed many great friendships with the ladies here, and I hope you do, too.

God bless, honey

Tonilyn - posted on 05/26/2012

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Thank you ladies for your advice and support. It means so much to me to see how you all are so willing to be there for me even if we don't know each other. I went with Stephanie's advice and laid my heart out on the table and told my husband how much he meant to me and that I didn't want to lose him or his affection. He in turn told me that he was very sorry and said he would never hurt me again. The way we treat each other now is so much better. I am planning a trip for just the two of us this summer. As far as confronting her, she lives in Costa Rica because her husband was deported there. I really don't have anything to say to her. The problem was between my husband and I and I am going to focus on our relationship, because if our relationship is strong, nothing can break us apart :). Thanks again ladies. I hope one day I'll be able to help one of you or all of you with an issue on your lives

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A trust was broken.

Getting through the hurt is not easy, this is something that God will help you with, but it will take time, so give it time.
Rather than "getting through" the hurt, "work through the hurt". Figure out what it is that really hurts. Is it his reaction to her advances? Is it her actions? Is it what she said about you?
Give these hurts over to God, and you may have to do this hourly to really work through it. I think that you are normal in feeling hurt, just don't hang on to it.

Ask your husband to work through it with you. Ask him to put himself in your shoes, and ask him how he would feel if someone was hitting on you? Because he got angry, it says to me that he was not impressed and knew it was wrong.

Severing all ties is not an unreasonable request and very definitely something that should be implemented.

Change his email address, or block her address if you cannot change his address. Any way that she has of contacting him should be dealt with, changing phone numbers etc.

My brother had issues with this kind of thing and had me put locks on his computer so that he couldn't get that stuff and so that I would monitor all his emails through mine. We then changed his email address as well.

Just some ideas, I will be praying for you that you will be able to work through this and regain the trust you had.

Angela - posted on 05/25/2012

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If he values his marriage and wants to stop the attentions of this woman, he shouldn't be sending her e-mails that open with "Hi there pretty lady" I doubt that's the best formula for getting rid of an unwanted admirer!

Now if your husband encouraged her attentions to the point where he suggested they got together full-time and each of them ditched their spouses and families - she would probably die of fright! This woman simply wants her ego stroking!

Your husband is yet another one of those people who manages to give off totally the wrong message because he only wants to "be polite". Being polite doesn't work with people who are thick-skinned. Being rude or "short" with them works nicely. Except now that he's responded positively with a friendly e-mail etc ... she won't believe him if he's straight with her.

I would never normally advise this but it might be better if you approached her yourself. Plan out and rehearse what you're going to say to her - and do so with your husband. Maybe you could face her together?

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