I need some marriage advice

Lindsay - posted on 03/18/2012

Oh, yeah sure. didnt know i had to close threads...

Carla - posted on 03/18/2012

Oh, and ps: if you are satisfied with the advice you have gotten, would you close this thread? You are, of course, welcome to leave it open, if you want any further input :)

Carla - posted on 03/18/2012

Wonderful news, sweetheart! Marriage is a challenge. Men say stupid stuff, not realizing the hurt they cause. It takes a lifetime to truly be 'one flesh'.



Something that has helped my husband's and my relationship out is if he says something hurtful I say 'what did you mean by that? That hurt!' Nine times out of ten, he will explain it and it isn't what he meant. Sounds like Shane is the same way. He didn't totally explain his statement, and you, of course, were crushed.



God bless, darling, good luck with your baby. I pray God give you both wisdom to make this marriage 'heaven on earth'.

Lindsay - posted on 03/17/2012

Things have been great with shane and i lately. we had some drama over the holidays because people were constantly over here and i was preg (still am...34 weeks along!) and the added hormones didnt help lol. but things have been good. ive just been searching for things to do here to keep me busy, cant do too much being so far along but ive been trying. im hoping to meet some people near me to hang out with, i need that kind of connection the most i think.

Angela - posted on 03/17/2012

Since you first posted last July, I'm sure you've had your baby now?



Hope you've sorted out your differences with your husband. I married a man years ago who'd been married before and had one son. We had four children together and he was "it's no big deal, I've seen it all before" every time I was pregnant and anyone asked him if he was excited about the coming baby. It crushed me. But so did quite a lot of other stuff I went through with him. So we split.



Now happily married to my 2nd husband. He's wonderful.



Wishing you every happiness and blessing so you & your man don't have to split up like my ex-husband and I did.

Tanysha - posted on 03/17/2012

Praying can change everything and everyone but we first have to make the change. U ever heard of that saying that nothing changes unless nothing changes in order to accept change you or that person have to be willing to accept the change. Think about it.

Keri - posted on 11/22/2011

"The effective prayer of a righteous man accomplishes much." Pray, pray, and pray. God can change many a person and HAS changed many a persons, He can change you and He can change your husband. He can even change Mindee's husband. I would sit down with your husband and discuss in thorough detail everything you BOTH are feeling, explain to him that you said things and you were wrong to say them and didn't mean them, explain you are hormonal and that you do not want to end your marriage that you made a commitment before God and him that you are committed in sickness and in health, for good and for bad, the whole nine yards...If he has issues you would like to talk with someone who may be able to help. Seek Godly and wise counsel from your Pastor, or someone He can refer you to. It will take time to heal from the hurtful things said but you BOTH must learn from this and move on in order to begin the healing. I think your husband has some very deep issues that he really needs to take before the Lord, he has brought these issues into your marriage and honestly they should have been dealt with prior to re-marrying, but alas we cannot change the past, but again God can heal all these hurts. Call on the name of Jesus! I shall pray for you and your family my sister.

Tresita - posted on 11/21/2011

I know when my hubby and I get in a fight he forgets in 5 minutes and I'm still mad Men don't hold gruges like we do. Just tell him that what you said to me it hurt me and dont tell them to me anymore.

Mindee - posted on 11/20/2011

Wow, I hate to say this, but he sounds like a creep! And let me tell you, I'm married with 2 kids and the marriage is crumbling (thanks to him recently turning atheist and very anti-religion, etc). If I'd had any inkling that this is where things were headed back before we had kids, I would have left in a heartbeat. The beauty here is, this precious child you're carrying hasn't yet been born and your punk husband hasn't met this angel child. If he doesn't want to be with you and is only wanting to 'deal with you' so he doesn't have to pay child support for another kid, you're best to get rid of him asap. Before the baby comes along. I know this isn't the way you dreamed your life to be, but if you feel it's right, get out while you can. If you're lucky, he won't care much about the child and you'll get to live your life and raise your child the way YOU want to. I truly feel for you and wish you all the blessings in the world. Be strong. Think of yourself. Someone has to.

Teresa - posted on 11/18/2011

You need to think about what you said that you knew would get to him. Did you mean ehat you said and do you still feel that way? Marriage is not easy and I'm sure everyone has entertained the idea of divorce and many have probably voiced the idea. It's true that a word spoken can't be taken back but you can learn from them and work from there. Sounds like some counseling would be good for both of you. Jealousy can bring alot of trouble to a relationship and he may not have worked through his issues from his last marriage. You can't go on as if nothing happened.

Kelina - posted on 11/09/2011

If you have a store nearby that makes shirts, maybe see about finding a pregnancy tee that says future football pro or future ballerina or soemthing fun like that.

Jodie - posted on 11/09/2011

Every marriage goes through tough times. Sounds like you're just right in the middle of one. You made a covenant before God to stay married til death do you part, and it is good that you meant it. Know that God can heal any relationship. He is the one who put you together, and He did it on purpose. I'm sure that at some point the thought of divorce has ran through your head as well, so try your best to forget his statement. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you. It means that he didn't feel like it is working. Turn to the Lord, and He will guide you. Your marriage is probably the biggest ministry you will ever be a part of. God is calling you to minister to your husband. I pray that you find yourself close to God, willing to do and learn whatever He has in store for you, and that your marriage will be a glimpse of the eternal marriage the church has with Christ. God never gives up on us, no matter how many times we act like we don't love Him, spit in His face, or just get tired of doing things His way. He is the ultimate Forgiver, and fortunately, He is the ultimate Comfort. It's so good to be His.
P.S. Love and Respect is a great book. Gave me a new perspective.

Jaci - posted on 11/09/2011

You could bake a blue or pink cake. I think it was either thebump.com or babble.com that had some cute baby sex sharing ideas. I'm in the opposite situation as yours our baby is going to be 4 months next week and I have a daughter who is 13. It is also important for you to try and build a relationship with his daughter. I've seen how both of us getting remarried has affected her in both positive and negative ways. She does not have a good relationship with her step-mom and it is very hard for her. Someone bought us the Love and Respect book when my current husband an I got married. It opened up good perspective on how women and men communicate differently and how to adjust perspectives.

Jessica - posted on 11/09/2011

My husband and I have had our share of struggles, not much unlike your own. We have sought counseling with our pastor, have started meeting with another couple for accountability/discipleship, and are in the Word together more.
I would like to recommend a book from a Bible study that I am currently going through with my husband. It is called 2 Becoming One and is by Dan and Sally Meredith. If you are both believers, I recommend going through it together. It gives Biblical principles and applications for what GOD wants your marriage to look like. It is produced by Family Life and they have a great "home builders" set of books as well.

Lindsay - posted on 11/09/2011

Thanks again all for the awesome comments! I just ordered the book Love and Respect, I think that will help :) I find out the sex of the baby tomorrow but Shane will not be able to come, he couldnt get off work :( Any fun ideas on how to surprise him with the gender?

Kelina - posted on 11/08/2011

One thing you might want to try to remember when you're feeling jealous that it's not his first is that even so, that doesn't mean it's not special to both of you. Marriage isn't easy. As much as I hate to say it, sometimes I feel like my marriage has only been held together because of a comment made by a mutual friend when we got together. He looked at us and said it won't last 10 years. Well of course that made me determined to prove him wrong and believe it or not, God worked through our friend hurting us like that because whenever I start thinking about taking the easy way out, I remember that and it pulls me through. I found out I was pregnant 3 weeks before our wedding and adjusting to married life and pregnancy all in one is HARD. It does get better though if you're willing to work through it. Remember though, that there's no shame in asking for outside help, ie COM or a counsellor if you don't know what to do and counselling can be a great tool. Before we got married, My husband and I went through premarital counselling and 3 1/2 years later we're still using the tools given to us. It might also be useful for your husband to know the reasoning behind your feelings. does he know that you feel jealous because this isn't his first time around? Have you explained that to him in calm, loving way? It might also be helpful for you to remind him when your sex drive is low(it'll probably go there again, the third trimester is a little more difficult than the second) how much you love him, and how much you appreciate him because men often take their wives not wanting "it" as a hit to their masculinity, they don't understand horomones, they don't understand pregnancy, and they don't understand the crazy wild emotions we experience because they've never felt it. I was once told that men experience something like 300 horomone changes in a day whereas women experience 3000. It's quite the difference! I was also told that men having sex for the first time is like a woman being Told I love you for the first time. They experience things totally differently than we do. I find tha helpful to remember when my husband makes a simple comment that upsets me and he doesn't understand why. Lol,he called me waddles once and only once during my second pregnancy because I was so hormonal I blew up in his face. After that I worked hard to explain things like how I was feeling and help him understand before it got to that. It helped tremendously. I hope this helps. Congratulations on your little one!

Jaci - posted on 11/08/2011

Have you tried reading the book love and respect. It also has some good marriage/ relationship advice. Hope all goes better for you.

Chelly - posted on 11/08/2011

Hugs mama. Sorry you're going through this so early in your marriage and pregnancy.

There are some wonderful books that I would highly recommend. "How we Love" - Great for couples that have had difficult childhoods. "Love & respect" - Great for understand how men need respect, not so much love like we do.

Also make sure you're getting good nutrition, supplements and lots of rest. This will really help with the emotional hormones. Some days when I feel like there's no way I can avoid being impatient, cranky, moody etc (I'm 3 months pregnant) I'll tell my husband that I'm having one of those days so that he knows it advance and can be understanding.

VICKIE - posted on 11/08/2011

Please make sure God is first in you guys life. Pray to help you forgive and to let go of the past. My husband has two other children and we have been married 15 years and have 3 together but it was hard because I dealt with a lot of baby mama drama but I had to pray daily, forgive, and walk away instead of saying hurtful things. You will be very emotional with a pregnancy and may not want to have sex and he will have to adjust. Speak to a pastor or a professional.

Linda - posted on 11/08/2011

Lindsay, our pastor likes to say that marriage is an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person. That in itself is going to create problems! Marriage is especially difficult the first year as you are adjusting to each other, and the hormones of pregnancy just complicate it further. My husband and I fought a lot our first year...but now after (almost) 25 years of marriage, we rarely do. Our first year, the big conflicts were over sex and family (just as you). In fact this is typical. We were both close to our families (emotionally and geographically) so it became a competition (unwittingly) as to whether we were spending more time with my family or his family. The root of the problem was selfishness for both of us. As far as the sex goes, even though we talked about EVERYTHING before we got married, we never discussed that aspect of it. Thus, after the wedding, we discovered we had vastly different expectations there. It took a while for us to work that one out---almost 10 years. I didn't understand as a young woman how important that was for men, and he didn't understand that women need more than 5 minutes! The book, Intended for Pleasure, really dramatically changed both of us. Incidentally, we picked that up at a Family Life Conference---which I would HIGHLY recommend for everyone whether they difficulties in their marriage or not. The truth is that marriage is hard work. You should both promise NEVER to mention the "D" word again, no matter how angry you are. Another thing to think about the next time you get into a fight: Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right? Sometimes, it's just not worth it to get upset about. I have noticed that things that could have caused a fight years ago, we just laugh and shrug it off. It's also helped to realize that I will NEVER change him, only myself. Trying to change other people is exhausting and rarely (ok never) effective. If there's something about your husband you don't like, talk to God about it and pray. He is actually in the business of changing people. Also, remember that even if you don't feel like you love him (as that feeling eventually wears off for everyone), love is a commitment, not a feeling. Marriage is for keeps!

Lindsay - posted on 11/08/2011

Thank you all so much for your helpful advice! I really enjoy being able to vent and hear from supportive people on this website. I met Shane in NC when he was still in the air force, my dads side of the family lives in NC, my mothers in CA, and all of Shanes is in KY. After he got medically separated for melanoma (which he no longer has thank the Lord!) we moved to KY, me leaving all of my family behind to be with him. This I think is why having arguments with him is so much harder on me because I would love to be able to just leave and get some space and be with my family, but theyre 11 hours away, so its kind of hard.
An update, Shane has said that he was sorry for escalating the situation by saying what he did and that he in no way wants a divorce. He said that what I said to him really hurt him and he wanted to hurt me back. ( I will be using the advice of spiritually duct taping my mouth from now on to the best of my ability lol) I still think about what he said a lot though and it hurts just as much. I have been praying to let the Lord take my worries away and focus on being a good wife. It is a tough balancing act when you are to submit to your husband when you feel at times he does not have your best interests in mind. But things have gotten better, since I have been in my second trimester I have been feeling wonderful and our sex life has improved ten folds. I know that I need to pray and keep my focus on the Lords will and His plan for my life. Thank you all again for you kind words of advice and encouragement! :)

Carla - posted on 11/08/2011

For someone who hasn't been married, Tiffany, you sure give good advice ;)

Marriage is sometimes ugly. You say your husband didn't have the best childhood, he had a bad marriage (at least we assume so, as it ended in divorce), and as soon as you get married, you get pregnant and are dealing with raging hormones. You are dealing with a damaged, wounded man. Communicate, pray, communicate, pray. We marry people from a different family, different life, different experiences, and think that immediately we are going to have Heaven on Earth. This is where we err. It takes years, and I mean YEARS, to truly know and understand our spouse. That's why God mandates marriage for a lifetime. We might be throwing away the person we were destined for because we don't want to put in the HARD work a good marriage involves. And I CAN speak from experience--our marriage was cr*p for 30 years, until God stepped in, by my invitation. I fasted and prayed for my husband to come home to me (we were separated). God did a wonderful work in ME! The more I prayed for HIM to change, the more God started showing me what I was doing wrong. By the time we got back together, I was a changed person! My husband re-dedicated his life back to the Lord several years later.

Sometimes, when men are wounded by an argument, they ratchet the hurtful words up. Men's egos are something awesome. If you don't want to be hurt by his words, keep a tight rein on yours. Physical wounds heal and the scar recedes, but words are stored in your memory forever, and can never be erased. Words have caused more divorce than actions, by far.

Get your spiritual duct tape out, tape your mouth, pray for BOTH yourself and your husband. Find a wise older woman to be your mentor, and listen to her! Read Paul's writings about how a Christian family interacts. Read Proverbs 31 about what a wife is like. Vow to make yourself better--and if you do, your husband will fall in line, eventually.

Being a Christian means that we have Help in every aspect of our lives. Get honest before the Lord. When you want your marriage to work more than you want to be right, God steps in. I am NOT saying this is all your fault, but it seems to be the wife that sees trouble and can't function without her nest being in order. Trust in Jesus, pray, fast if it's really serious.

God bless, darling!

Kyleigh - posted on 11/07/2011

Sounds like my dh after we had a disagreement! I give him his "space" after he says mean and hurtful things trust me its actually getting better, he doesnt say them anymore, but I was at fault too in our disagreement I shouldnt have said some things. I play more "hard to get" I will simply pack up our dd 22months old and go stay at my mothers to cool off (doesnt happen a lot) and give him his "me " time after a couple hours he comes back and apologizes and realizes he messed up too

Tiffany - posted on 11/07/2011

Okay, I am the first to admit I am NO expert on relationships or marriage. In full disclosure I am not married (but wish I were) so I don't have any right to give advice, but my advice would be to seek counseling from your pastor. I would also read the book "Now We're Speaking the Same Language" (same author that wrote the 5 Love Languages) together with your husband if he is willing or another marriage devotional. I would pray for your marriage and ask God to recommit both of your hearts to the covenant (which cannot be broken). Communicate, forgive and work to be the wife you want him to have. You can only change your own behavior and pray for him. Again I'm no expert. You could reread 1 Corritheans 13:4 (you know the one everyone reads on their wedding day but then tends to forget about)..."Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast...It does not keep track of wrongs, but rejoices in the truth..." You could also look up other bible verses on love and marriage and discuss them with each other as you work to improve your marriage. Good luck. I will say a prayer for you and hope that God speaks to your husband's heart.