Carla - posted on 09/22/2012 ( 4 moms have responded )
If anyone can help me i do need advice. maybe i do not need adivce, i'm not sure. Right now I think about death so much. I tried to kill myself a few days ago but then knowing i wasn't actually ready to die just yet, i reached out to my boyfriend for help.. Here is my problem. I have been divorced two times. Neither time did i want this. Both cheated on me and one beat me horribly. Each remarried and left me alone. The second one was hardest, because he was suposed to be a christian man. I have always been a believer and I have three beautiful sons. I am so lonely. The last divorce was three and a half years ago. I have dated. And each guy rejects me. I usually am told it's because i have children. Which is horrible because their dad's do not even want to be a part of their lives. Recently I have gone into a deep depression. All my friends are married and can't make time for me. My family has turned from me. I have an alcoholic father who was abusive and left when i was seven. He hasn't seen me in almost fifteen years. My mother is emotionally barren and controlling. She never hugged me or said she loved me. Now she is kicking me out of the house i live in because i have isolated myself from everyone. I can't take antidepressants.....I've tried in the past and they cause an adverse reaction that makes me feel like i'm dying...which began a series of almost fifteen years of panic attacks. The doctors will not give me sedatives because they are addictive so i self medicate. And that is not going so well either. I beg my friends...family to help me and they want to send me to a hospital. Well, I have two sons with my second husband. His new wife left bruises on my eleven year old son...the dept of family and children services did substantiate it as abuse. But the law says a broken bone or cigarette burns are what it takes to get someone arrested. It's a crooked little town. They are prison guards and know too many people for me to get any help. So if i go into a hospital, they might get my kids and then what would happen. I'm severely lonely. it is horrible to sit at home all the time and i did until recently when i met a guy on line. He cared so much and said he loved me. I drove ten hours five times in the last nine months to see him on the kids weekends away. He was so wonderful at first...always there when i called...always online to video chat and he wanted to talk to me all the time. He said he loved me and now.....says he just wants to keep me as a friend. I know there isn't anyone else because he still talks to me all the time, just now it's not romantic. I pray and feel led to wait for this man, but at the same time...it's killing me. I've never really felt loved until he came along and now I feel lonely all the time. I can't leave him because i love him too much but nothing i do seems to bring his heart back to me. On top of that, I'm so severely depressed that i don't do anything normal anymore. I'm at the point i may lose my job bc i have been out sick and i have absolutely no help. I work hard to keep my boys lives as normal as i can....sports and school. But my eleven year old has adhd and i constantly fight the school to get him help. My youngest has asthma and my oldest son has moved away to school this year. He still wants me to give him money but i don't make much and struggle to take care of my boys. Last christmas i had to have help buying presents and i was humiliated. I don't even want to shower anymore. I cant sleep or eat or drink and I have no one to talk to except my bf...who now says God just sent him to be my friend. All that after we have been more....I do not believe that. God wouldn't do that to me where i am now. But when I pray...it doesn't get better. I have anxiety so bad i cant go out to church...i barely go to the ball field with my kids...and then i sit alone. I do not know what to do. I want to feel better...i want to be loved. and yes...guys i do love myself. I just feel so low because it seems no one else can. Help? anyone....or just support. What do I do?