In need of answers

Petra - posted on 06/12/2011

Hello Rebecca! I just read through your question and before I start, let me say you're doing a great through all of this because any form of abuse starts to wear on you..Some women it starts from the inside out..With me it started from the inside out,and eventually all the "vent" I had locked up, the misery the hatred I had towards my ex-husband led me to lash out..I will say this to you as a woman whose gone through this already..Not nearly half of what you've ran into-But mentally and emotionally-It doesn't matter IT'S ABUSE!
I see this,and hear this from alot of "christian" women..I have said before I am all Catholic with a big C-The Bible clearly states the big "D" is not an option unless their has been some form of adultery or what have you! I highly doubt you're going to hell for "honoring" your vows and putting up with his abusive ways..We're all God's children whether all of us believe or some don't..God has heard all your family and friends prayers EVEN your own..He doesn't forget our cries,but he also knows what marriage is about.and that's along the lines of TRUST LOVE AND LOYALTY..We all have Gods whisper I like to call it or some people would call their "gut" feeling! You need to weigh out the pro's and con's of the past two years..Sifting it through your mind is obviously impossible-WRIGHT it down..Are you happy,do you feel you can trust him,forgive him,still love him even through all the things he done-DO you think YOU can bear it anymore? IF the answer is no, You're not going to hell! lol, nor will it be a sin..See what alot of Christian's don't understand is He's always watching, he's always there whether in a time such as this you and your child are in right now-He's always there reguardless.. You have thought your husband obviously,the vows,and what you thought was best for your children..In conclusion? That is something you can only decide-BUT don't decide it based on how he "feels"..In a marriage it's consentual between two people,and If he's not willing to change his behavior now, he never will.I hate to be so negative,but I feel I am only being honest..We all deserve to be happy,but you don't deserve to go through that, nor do your children! I hope this helps.God bless!

Richelle - posted on 08/07/2009

Please Please Please for the sake of not only yourself but your children, you need to walk away. I am a Christian and I practice faithfully. I fully believe that God does not want you in a relationship like this. It is not healthy for your children to see and in the long run will affect them emotionally. If your husband is emotionally abusive, I can only ask how much longer until it becomes physical. I will pray for you. I will pray for strength and patience with your children. Remember........"You can do all things through Christ the Lord who strenghtens you"

In Christian Love......

Amber - posted on 08/07/2009

I like you very much believe but I don't go to church every week. I don't believe you would go to hell. I believe that God understands certain situations. He knows were going to sin if he didn't than he wouldn't have sent us his only son to wash away our sins! If you were to go to hell then I think everyone would go with you because we have all done things as children of God that we shouldn't have done but did anyways. I do think that sometimes people give up on their marriages to early but it sounds like you have really tried to make yours work and you deserve someone who is going to love you for you! You are worth more than what your husband is showing you! You don't deserve to be in a abusive relationship no one does. I hope you find the strength to do what you need to do for you and your kids. God bless and if you ever need someone to talk to or just listen just let me know. I hope that doesn't sound to harsh.

Linda - posted on 08/07/2009

Rebecca,
I DO NOT believe that you would go to hell. God wants us to be happy and content. Your not either. This sounds like an abusive relationship. I fear that things will only get worse for you once the baby comes... Please try to find some help. There are many agencies out there for women. DONT stay and be abused in this way. YOU and YOUR CHILDREN do not deserve it. I will pray for you.

Cindy - posted on 08/07/2009

I do agree with most of what I have read, although the bible does say that your boday is a temple to God and that includes your mind and when you are being abused mentally and emotionally how can your body be a temple. I have not been through this but I know many people have and talking to many pastors, they have said that abuse is also divoricable. the bible is not as clear on the subject as infidelity but I do believe that God does not want us to be abused as we are his children. Also, as statistics prove, raising your children in an abusive household lets your children think that this life style is ok so that are more likely to be abusive or be abused in their marriages.



Do what is best for you and your children and with the God's love you will make it through. Keep God close and do find a church that you can go to and feel at home. It is hard to find a new church but asl god to lead you to one that will love and embrace you.



There is also groups around called "Celebrate Recovery" that you might find helpfu. It is a CHristion based group and welcomes anybody who needs to talk and work their way through issues. It is not only for drug and alchol abusers, but for anybody who has issues that they need to talk about and it is held in confidence

Marta - posted on 08/07/2009

I would put a fleece before the Lord stating that he's got a month to deal with your husband and his behaviour or you are out of there. You don't necessarily have to get a divorce since the bible states that infidelity is the only reason to get divorced but, you can seperate. You need to do what's best for you and your children; since there is no relationship with your stepdaughter then I wouldn't be concerned about how she'll take it.Since your husband is a non-believer it wouldn't be too surprising if after you seperate from him he did have an affair (it's part of our nature to satisfy our most carnal needs) at which point you would be justified biblically to divorce him. I'll be praying for you. God bless.

Danielle - posted on 08/06/2009

Rebecca, God isn't going to send you to Hell for getting a divorce. I know that marriage is supposed to be forever, but as a child of God your Father doesn't want someone to continually abuse you, especially in front of you kids. If your husband really won't change and won't go to any kind of counseling than there's nothing you can really do. Of course you should pray about it, that goes without question but always know that your Heavenly Father is just that, your loving Father and your God. In no way does He want you to stay in an abusive relationship. Pray for your husband, pray for his salvation and his attitude and his abusive ways, but don't think that God is going to send you to Hell unless you stay in this abusive relationship.

Frany - posted on 08/06/2009

Hi Rebecca,



I have read your whole story since July 1st. It's a slow process isn't it. The question I have for you at this point is if you truly want to save your marriage. Or are you in your heart ready to go out the door? If that is the case, you must know that when all is said and done, we are responsible for our own actions, good and bad. Get all the advice you can, but know that you will answer for your actions on this earth (thus the need for the Jesus' blood). None of us know for sure what your answer is; it may very well be to leave him and seek God's plan for you and your kids. Only God and you know.

Re-read Shelly Burton's reply. She is right on. She is not being judgemental. She is really just putting it out there as God would; no frills.

My advice to you assumes you are truly being born again and seek the Father's will.

You gave him an answer last night? If he is brushing aside your attempts at communication, perhaps he has indeed already divorced you in his mind. For God's will to be done, you need to know clearly what you are pursuing. Do you want to do God's will? Do you know God's will? Are you willing to do things His way which is in His Word? Are you willing at the same time to live with a man who is not?

Write it down for yourself if you have to. It's not super complicated. It can be if we mix it up with our own ways. Believe that giving up to yourself and giving in to God is the far better choice. HE really will come through. His word and Godly counsel will guide you.

Consider your faith and what you believe God says on the subject. You are right to get advice on it; God says he who seeks much counsel is wise.

If you choose to divorce, I agree with these ladies that you need not worry about your eternal salvation as long as you have been born into His kingdom by asking Jesus to forgive you, live in your heart, and guide you all your days.



Then, after all of that, if you decide that you want to keep going in God's way - with the knowledge that God is a loving, forgiving father who loves you both deeply - Tell your husband you want to let him know what's going on with you and consider taking him to bed and beginning the "conversation" that way. The act of love is thee most profound way a man knows for you to sincerely express your desire for your successful marriage to him. God made men that way; and having been given that which he has been waiting for, he will be as open to you as he ever will be.

Let your husband know about your rebirth of faith and that you are following the will of God by giving your love to him freely. Let him know that you intend to continue to do things God's way and that he is welcome to share that journey with you. I suggest the book "The Love Dare" or the movie "Fireproof" with the couple's bible study. You can find it at any Christian bookstore.

If he is not receptive, then perhaps, indeed, he is already gone. My point is that the marriage bed should not be witheld. As you both belong to God, your body belongs to your husband and his to you. Go joyfully, respectfully, determinedly.

Tell your husband that you want to "Put the ball" back where it belongs. In the hands of the head of your household. God first and your husband second. These are biblical concepts for you to chew on. I hope they ring true and give you hope for your marriage.

May God bless you and your family abundantly and bring healing peace to your heart, your husband's heart and joy to your children. Amen

Rebecca - posted on 08/05/2009

I have read your advice & been working on my relationship with God. I feel happier/less stressed than I have in a long time. 2 days after I started praying Hubby sat down & wrote a letter to me which basically said that I have 'played out' our relationship & that my impatience has led us to the place we are in today (3 years into a relationship was to quick for marriage according to him). He has accepted no responsibility for the damage done, just wants to know when I will be over my broken heart cos he is sick of waiting for sex. He also gave me back his wedding ring & told me to give it back to him when I am ready, basically throwing the ball back in my court. I had hoped after the letter he would pack his bags & leave.



However last night he was in repair mode. Couldn't be nicer although still refusing to give me what it is that I need emotionally in this marriage (a hug). We are at a crossroads. I just wish that the decision would be made for me. I am praying for an answer. I thought I had one & gave it to him last night but he just brushed it aside.



Please keep praying for me, my family, my children & my husband

Penny - posted on 08/04/2009

Oh my goodness girl, you truely are living in hell on earth. God does NOT expect you to be a martyr because you are married to an abusive man. In 1 Corinthians 7, it talks about believers and non-believers being married to each other. I asked my pastor if it meant that I would be going to hell if I divorced my husband because he was abusive and did not believe would I go to hell. He in his wisdom and knowledge of the Bible told me no, that is not what it is saying. He also went on to tell me that man can not change man, only God can can man. So give it to God and don't take it back from him. Move on with your life for your safety and the safety of your precious children. They are helpless, they depend on you, they will look to you for guidance and help as they grow and learn. Do not teach them it is okay to be an abused wife and mother.

Contact your Human Resource Dept, let them refer you to other agencies that can HELP you. Talk to your pastor, the church will indeed come to your aid ~ but do not hold back any of the truth from them.

Jennifer - posted on 08/04/2009

oh my I feel for you but you have to know that God will forgive you and God doesn't want you to be abused in anyway!!! Your husband sounds like he isn't holding up to his responsiblities in your marrage God sent them out for us to have a happy marrage and it does not sound like you have that you have to look out for yourself and your children trust me your children see how this man is treating you and they will remember it when they grow up you have to make this chose for yourself and your children no one but God can tell you what to do but I think you should see a Pastor and talk to him about what is going on they can give you alot of help and i believe that is want you need right now even if you don't have a church that you go to you can always call one i have never heard of a Pastor that would turn down a person seeking help from the Lord I will keep you and your children in my prayers and thoughts I hope you can find happyness again

Denise - posted on 08/04/2009

The only thing that can heal this marriage is Jesus - if your husband refuses leave in peace

BJ - posted on 08/03/2009

Hi Rebecca
I agree with Kaylyn we have a mighty and forgiving God. I think you should talk to a pastor or get Christian counseling. I know how it feels to be at your wits end. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Rebecca - posted on 08/02/2009

My babies are 2-1/2 & 13 months. A divorced christian friend of mine has told me that no matter what, don't let my children suffer. They are still young enough to adapt & not be too scarred by this marriage so get out now before any damage is done. So many have said don't stay for the sake of the children as they will be worse off in the long run living in a house with no love than being with a happy mum who can spoil them with love & raise them to know Gods love also (Hubby is very anti any religion, says if he can't physically touch it or see it then it don't exist). Dinah, your post sounds so much like what I have been going through for the last 2+ years. Thank you so much for sharing that with me.

Dinah - posted on 08/02/2009

Hey sweetie....i feel your pain...just went through a divorce myself, even though my kids are grown....it was not easy,..i stayed in a home where there was hate and fussing and fighting ..and with a man that hated the site of me.....i stayed there for 32 years....i prayed until i could not pray...i wore my knees out at the altar at church over him...i read every book there was...talked to ever kind of counslor there was....i know one person said you need to go see a christian consuelor...will that all works well if both parties are welling to go...but i can tell you from experience....that when it is one sided it is hard to do anything....i tried to set a christian example for my husband which by the was was not a christian.....i cried and prayed and put up with all this stuff thinking that is what the Lord would have me do....i left him once and felt the Lord asking me to return and try again...so i did....and nothing changed...so i kept praying ...and nothing changed...and one day girl....i just said look God...i know i put myself in this mess by not letting you choose my partner...but i have tried everything i know and nothing has helped....and i know that the only way out of this is if you let me out.....staying there was making me sick as well as my children.....and after just crying out to the Lord....he gave me peace and he gave me the ok to leave...now i know a lot of people say that God would never do that because he hates divorce.....well i am here to tell ya..he may hate divorce...but he hates his children being in misery more....he gave me a way out and peace to leave....i had no guilt, no worries....I know God gave me His blessing on leaving ...i had done my part and as He ask...and it wasnt working ....and I know God spoke to my husband as well...and he never listened...so i feel with all my heart that God does not want us to live that way....and to this day one of my regrets is that i put my kids thur all that mes....the fussing and fighting and no love around to show them...of course i gave them love ...but not from there dad...so i just say pray ...go to the Lord and cry out to Him and tell Him you cant fix things...you need His help and turn it over to Him .....and He will give you the answer....and i know people like to give you advice and tell ya to go to church and things will be ok...but unless they have been there....they just dont know....i went to church for 32 years ( i still go)...church dont always have the answers...that is just a building ....go to the Lord....He has the answers...and yes I was thinking He didnt even care at times....because i prayed for so long that my husband would be saved....but you know some people just harden there hearts and never go to the Lord....so God forgave me for making the wrong choice as to who i married....and he helped me out....and He will help you make the right decison to sweetie...if you will just trun it over to Him and not try to do it yourself....that is what i done for so long....tried to fix it all ....but it wasnt until i gave it to the Lord that my problems came to an end....God Bless you and i will be praying for you .....

Heather - posted on 08/02/2009

Rebecca, I am so happy to hear that you are reading your Bible and praying. God can do wonderful things if we let him. Keep praying, and we will keep praying too.

Rebecca - posted on 08/02/2009

Thank you all so much. Shelly I feel you have hit the nail on the head in that I needed a swift kick to get me going.

Thank you Heather for the scriptures you gave. For the first time in a long time I sat down last night & opened my bible. Hubby saw me & asked very gingerly in passing if I was alright. I know I need to work on my relationship with God first now & the rest will sort itself out. I have a number of close friends that are christian, including my boss & his wife & they have been a pillar of strength & knowledge. My family live around the corner from me & like I said they have been praying. Strangely enough it is my mother that cannot for the life of me understand why I am still living in the same house, she is one of the only ones who has seen the true sides of my husband (along with my M.I.L, who kindly stated on my visit on Friday "don't worry dear, only another 50 years to go...& they don't get any better"). At this point there has been no change in my husbands behaviour regardless of all the effort I have made, infact things have gotten worse. Your words have lifted a weight from my shoulders in that I am no longer petrefied of the outcome.



I will continue praying for myself, softening of my heart. I will pray for my children in that they will know true love from God & myself & I will pray for my husband in that his eyes will be opened to God & his heart will be opened to know & to show love.

Roz - posted on 08/02/2009

Rebecca,

I have walked your words. I am not sure that anyone can tell you in words here the "answers" to such serious questions. You are the one who is walking this path. You are the one that has to make the decision, any decision, and then walk it.

There are many answers here for various options and sides of scripture. It is a good thing to be around people who love you. It is a good thing to rest in the arms of a God who loves you right now for who you are, who will nurture your broken heart if you let Him. It is only you who can open the door to Him. It is only you who can ask these questions and more which are in your heart and mind. No mistake or decision is too difficult for Him to handle or work in. I know. A few weeks ago i was homeless, and now, i have a home! There is great power in putting trust in Him, regardless of decisions you make. I understand it is difficult with the emotion and hurt right now. You can triumph over confusion and overwealmed emotions. He loves you right now for who you are, and not for who you are not.

On a practical side, i know the Salvation Army will help you. I am a Salvationist and also work in the Salvation Army, assisting the homeless and hopeless. God bless you.

Crystal - posted on 08/01/2009

Do you live close to your parents? You could go to church with them. They're church family will help you. Don't let your guilt isolate you.

Michelle - posted on 08/01/2009

Hi Rebecca,
The Word clearly gives us guidlines on what is acceptable for divorce. The sin is not in divorcing it is in the remarrying. Your husband has given you the acceptable reasons to God for a divorce. People will disagree, but his word stands. We can twist God's word for our own opinions or for our own gain. God does not want or expect his children to be abused and that includes you and your children. There is only one unforgivable sin and that is, Blasphemy of the Holy Ghost. Hell is not your home, Heaven is. When you took your vows God saw your heart, he knew your intent was genuine. God still see's your heart today. You can walk away, but you need to pray for husband, pray for God's convicting power over his life. God may not be finished with him yet and then again he might be. Pray for yourself, for healing, for your children's healing. When God gives you the peace to know it is ok to leave, you know God will take care of you and your children. My prayers for your family.

Shelly - posted on 08/01/2009

Rebecca,

My first suggestion is start practicing what you believe. Second You need to ask the Lord to come back into your life, without Him you are nothing...There is no Love in that house and how sad for your children to be raised in a house that is full of hate...We have a loving and forgiving God and what he wants from you is a relationship with you and as long as you are in the space you are in you can not have that. Why are you allowing this man to dictate your feelings, why are you allowing this man to have so much control of you and your children?? You are not a slave to your flesh or any man that walks this earth. This is not a Godly marriage this is a marriage of flesh, you choose to put God on the back burner to marry this man. Do you want your children to go into the same type of marriage as you??? Our children learn how to have relationships by wathching you!!! You need to ask the Lord for forgiveness for not seeking him first and then you need to get back to reading your bible and building that relationship with the Lord and one of two things going to happen when you choose to fill your house with God's Love either your husbands going to fall into tstep with the Lord or he's going to leave...You need to make the choose once again you either are going to choose Christ or or going to choose your husband and you know in your heart of heart what you need to do. Quit allowing this man to make the choice for you and if there is abuse or adlutry in your marriage then get out now don't wait on him...Get back into the Love of Christ and let him guide you and show you what he wants for your life, quit allowing your self to be apart of the world....I know my post sounds very harsh but ya know some times we just need a swift kick to get us going...well consider this your swift kick!!! God wants that personal relationship with you and your family you need to start talking to your children about the Love of Jesus Christ...Find a home church that teachings are based on the relationship and Love of Jesus Christ...He is the only one that can save us from our selves...And the Geatest thing is He is so forgiving when we are faithful to ask for forgiveness...So I suggest that you hit your knees and ask him to forgive you for walking away from him and thinking you could do it on your own...I am very proud of you for seeking out this site and having the courage to put your situation out there for all to see that took alot of courage so praise God for that...All of us that reads your post will be praying for you thats one of the great things about this site is that most of us will tell you how it is and all of us will lift up at least one prayer for you and some of us will continue to pray for you and your family so just know that by posting this God is working in your life you just need to be willing to allow Him to ...Lots of Love and Prayers in Christ

Heather - posted on 08/01/2009

Hi Rebecca, I can truly say I know what you are going through, and I think you are handling it better then I did. My first husband did a very similar thing to me, when I got pregnant with our second son. He actually called me everyday to find out if I had had a miscarriage yet, clear up until the week the baby was due, and still had the nerve to be at the hospital when he was born... Here are some verses that helped me through that time, and I think that they will help you as well. Please read 1 Corinthians 7 and Matthew 19. My situation was a little different because he also had a girlfriend, so when he filed for divorce I was rather relieved. But I can understand the mental anguish I know this is causing you.

And I want to point out that there is no hierarchy of sin. All sin is equal in the eyes of God. Getting divorced is the same as killing someone, or sex outside of marraige, or telling a little white lie. Sin is sin. All sins (except blasphemy against the Holy Spirit) are forgivable. The only way to heaven is through Jesus, not by living what you would consider to be a good life. With out his forgiveness we are all hopeless. He is the way the truth and the life.

I would personally (me not God's Word) recommend finding a church for you and your children. As a mom I think you need to be teaching your kids the way to heaven. Find a Womens Bible study and make some friends that can support you during this time. The Bible outlines that we are to put God first, and then our husbands. So start putting God first. If your husband doesn't like it he might leave, but that will be on him (1 Corinthians 7:15) Don't try and force him out, but on the contrary start loving him again. There is a wonderful book called the Love Dare. You can get it at any Christian Book store. Let God fill you so full of love that it overflows onto your husband and children. It won't be easy, but start digging into God's word and praying, God will bring you through this with or without your husband.

I also want to recommend a website. http://www.reviveourhearts.com/radio/roh...
They did a program a few months back that reminds me so much of what you are going through. You can read the script at this location, or click the button on the upper right side that says listen, and listen to it on line. This woman also was stuck on the line God hates divorce, and God worked miracles in her life and her and her husband are now happily married, and both strong believers.

I hope that I have been able to help you in some way. You will be in my prayers.

Ruth - posted on 08/01/2009

Hi Rebecca



God hates divorce but he will not send you to hell for it. We go to hell for not accepting Jesus as our Lord and Savoiur and not accepting we need His forgiveness. For we cant earn our way to heaven, it is only through Jesus' sacrifice on the cross that can get us there. However considering God hates divorce and clearly you want to follow his will, have you considered just seperating not getting divorced and getting some more counselling to try to work through things when you dont have the tensions of living together. It may be the wake up call your husband needs. However, I am not saying you should necessarily do this but it is an option avaliable to you. I would definately recommend you yourself getting some christian counselling. If you decide to stay and I am proud of you standing by you marriage vows (too any people dont these days) the bible tells us wives to submit to our husbands that they may turn to Christ. By submit this doesnt mean be dominated over it means show your husband respect and treat him with respect even especially when he doesnt deserve it. At the moment you are the only light for Christ in that house, let your Christ light shine so that maybe your husband may change and if not for his sake do it for your kids sake. But make sure you get support because whatever path you choose none of them will be easy. Always know God is with you helping you and guiding your path and He is always there to listen to what you say. My prayers and thoughts are with you. God Bless

Kaylyn - posted on 07/31/2009

Our Lord is a forgiving God. Getting a divorce is not going to send you to hell. You need to seek out a Christian counselor. Check the yellow pages and see if any of the agencies in your area offer Christian counseling. There is no reason you need to go thru this alone. Granted, if you were a "practicing" Christian and attended a church regularly you could probably get help thru them, but for now, get yourself some personal help.