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Angela - posted on 08/18/2012
You "micro-manage" him? As in you ask questions and check up on him? He should be lucky he has your interest!
Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could just retort to him one day that you would micro-manage him no longer as you were leaving him?
By the way, don't ever leave a man on the spur of the moment without making extensive preparations to cushion the exit for yourself.
You really CAN do better than this man. You really ARE worthy of better treatment for yourself. Remember that it's not even mandatory to have a partner. You don't have to hang around until someone better comes along, Take your leave and keep walking.
Linda - posted on 08/17/2012
Tiffany, PLEASE listen to Carla's advice! You need to start seeing yourself as God sees you--not "worthless" but as a treasured creation of God. He made you; He loves you; He died for you. He wants a relationship with you.
As long as you don't value yourself as precious in God's eyes, men will not value you either. This man of yours sees you exactly the way you see yourself. You can do better. Do NOT marry him, even though you have a child together.
Do what Carla says....take some time reading the Bible. It will open up a whole new world to you. God can radically change your life, but you have to be willing to let Him---he won't do it without an invitation.
There's an old song which goes like this:
"Something beautiful. Something good.
All my confusion, Jesus understood
All I had to offer Him was brokenness and pride,
But He made something beautiful of my life."
He can do that for you, too.
Carla - posted on 08/17/2012
Thanks for giving us a little more info, Tiffany, it helps a lot.
Ya know, honey, sometimes life sucks. I know you've been through some rough times, and with each failure, your self image becomes lower and lower. But, honey, trust me when I tell you God is NOT punishing you. When we feel dirty and worthless, we have this uncanny way of punishing ourselves, and it usually comes in the form of picking the first guy that is not the one we need. Then we feel stuck, so we stay, and our self confidence gets even lower. It's a vicious circle.
Do you go to church? Is there a church in your area, if you don't go, that you could go to? If you live in or near a big city, there are agencies, like Volunteers of America, Salvation Army, the rescue mission, etc., that can help you find help. You first need to get your mental and spiritual self healthy. Reach out to Jesus, honey, this is the first step. Tell Him how much you've screwed up trying to manage your life on your own, and that you need Him to take control. Get a Bible and read the New Testament. Read Jesus' words to you, that you are loved and precious to Him. Read how to live a life pleasing to Him. Find a good Christian radio station that plays good uplifting music and keep it on. This helps calm your soul. Don't pick one that has preaching, you don't want to get confused by all the preachers yet. Just let the Holy Spirit minister to your soul through the music. Once you start getting your spiritual side healthy, the rest of your self follows. I understand co-dependency, trust me, I do. And, like you, all I ever wanted was to be a wife and mother. But sometimes we jump the gun and do God's job in picking a mate, and our choices are usually wrong ;) Boy, was mine ever wrong!
Jesus loved you so much, He died for you. He wants to help you out of this mess. Just let Him in. I know you say you are a Christian, and I said that, too. But there is a deeper meaning to Christian that I didn't know--it's a relationship, not religion. I now have a relationship with Jesus, and He is helping me get over the past. I know He can help you, too.
God bless, honey
Angela - posted on 08/16/2012
This guy does not sound very inspiring as husband material. Admiring a movie star or celebrity figure is one thing - but fantasizing about YOUR FRIENDS? HIS EX PARTNERS? The others are right, it's a massive red flag.
You could try talking to him? In a non-threatening atmosphere. But I doubt he would be receptive!
Better still, dump him! You're not married yet - do you want this selfish character who lusts after other women to be your equal life partner in marriage?
Just start walking now.
Th other thing that Linda and Carla have not yet touched on is that you're a member of Circle of Moms - which means you're probably a mother? If you have one or more children with this man then I understand it's likely to be harder to remove yourself from this situation. But your children deserve a better example and role model. In fact YOU deserve better as well.
Another point to bear in mind is that some men (and some women too) will continually push the boundaries in relationships of what is acceptable. A partner who is tired and troubled by this might not challenge them. Then you will get "Well you never objected BEFORE ....." Start objecting now honey.
I have lived through exactly what you described with my first husband. It says lots of things about a relationship - the main one being that he does not care how he behaves and he probably does not respect you. Respect is a tricky and delicate thing. Love can come and go and return, but when the respect is gone there's not much worth salvaging.
I ended a relationship with a faithful, Christian man whom I loved (and he loved me) but I knew in my heart I did not respect him. And I strongly suspected he didn't respect ME. I did the right thing. A few years later we're both happily married to different people. We WERE engaged to each other a few years ago. Thank God we didn't marry each other!
Carla - posted on 08/15/2012
Linda is absolutely right, honey, this IS a HUGE red flag. If you are not even married yet and he is thinking of other women, this relationship is in serious trouble.
Are you a Christian? If you are, as Linda says, sex before marriage is not God's will for us. He gave us sex as a glue to two people trying to become one (marriage), and a reward for being married in Him. I am not trying to condemn you, because I am the only person I know that was pregnant BOTH times I got married! But, honey, each time we have sex with a person, then walk away from the relationship, our beings, our souls, if you like, are torn, ripped apart, and a little bit of you goes with the guy, and a little bit of him stays with you. After several times of this, you don't know who you really are. Believe me, been there, done that. It has taken years, for both my husband and I, to heal from the traumas we put each other through.
Marriage is rough, even as a Christian. Picking a man who treasures you, treats you as if you were the only woman on Earth, eases the hard times.
God bless, honey
Linda - posted on 08/15/2012
Tiffany, this is an obvious red flag for the relationship. I would seriously rethink this relationship if what you say is true. However, did you know that you are posting on the "Christian" mommies page? We use the Bible to guide all our conduct. Sex a gift of God to be enjoyed within the confines of marriage only. When we don't follows God's rules, we generally pay a high price. Sex is WAY more fulfulling when part of a faithful monogamous marriage.