Mad at God... Need help...

Kailey - posted on 01/22/2010 ( 74 moms have responded )

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My three month old son, Liam, was born with bilateral clubfeet. For those who don't know what it is, it's when the feet are turned up and in. I found out at my 5 month ultrasound (when I also found out I was having a boy). It's completely correctable, but I've always felt sad about it. It's hard to have people look at my son differently. Since he was two weeks old, he has had his feet stretched and put into casts every week until he was two and a half months. There have always been many tears at the appointments, but afterward, it seems like he forgets about the casts completely. In early January, he had two heel cord tenotomies (his achilles tendons were cut and lengthened). After the surgery, Liam was a little fussier for a week. Then both his casts fell off on different days, and he had to have them put on again. He cried worse than I have ever seen. It was so hard to watch, and his pain lasted for days. The doctor talked about relapse, and that Liam may need the tenotomies done again. Then his special shoes came in. They keep his feet in the right position, and they're connected with a bar. He just got them Jan. 19. The crying was awful, and it lasted three days and nights. We got very little sleep. He seems to be doing a little better now, but he's not quite himself yet.
Most of me understands that things like this happen, and God has a reason. But part of me is angry. How could God do this to such my sweet innocent baby if He loves Liam? I don't want to be mad, I just can't help it right now. If you have anything to share, please don't hold back.

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Sheryl - posted on 01/25/2010

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i hear how your are feeling. my boys both have speech delays. my oldest is doing better know. but my youngest is not having an easy time. his got food allergies and speech delays and sensory processing dic.. know they think he may have autism. it does seem like one thing after another. when i look at him sometimes i just want to cry cause i feel so guilty for it. i don't no why god put this on my son. but he did it for a reason. i still have bad days and good days! but one thing i started to do just today was pray over my kids in the moring and at night time! plus, i keep tilling my self that has a reason for everthing. i think the reason why god gave me my boys was this way is cause i didn't have it easy my self growing up. for the longest time i could not read or write. but god help me through it and gave me the family to help me with it. so i now my boys can't set there and say you don't understand cause i do. i think the mean think for us to do is keep pray over are kids and the strength to handle what he puts on your plates! good luck i hope thing get better!

S - posted on 01/25/2010

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I am so sorry this happened to you and your family. It breaks my heart to read this. I know any comment I make could seem overly simplistic but hopefully it will give you some reassurance.



I've been reading the story of Job in the Bible and maybe it may help a little. Try to look at it as a blessing. This will be your little one's testimony and maybe your family's endurance can help someone else. Keep your faith, we don't know God's plan and maybe something tremendous will come of it all. Who knows...maybe in some years your son may be in the Olympics. Imagine what a story that will be, to tell of what he overcame in the process.

Be strong, God will take care of his own.

[deleted account]

Kailey...

You sweet...sweet mother. NONE of us EVER wants to see our children suffer. It is the most agonizing pain EVER. I remember when my youngest was born. She received a clean bill of health. 2 days later she was hospitalize w/a SEVERE case of Jaundice. It was so severe, I was afraid she would be mentally challenged, or die. I cried out to God because I just did not understand why He would give me a child...if He was just going to take her away from me. In that time...God gave me a wonderful peace. I didn't want my daughter to die...and I knew it would emotionally kill me for a while...but I knew God still loved me.

What I'm saying is...God is not the author of confusion. The DEVIL comes to KILL...STEAL...and DESTROY...but God has come to give LIFE! Because of Adam's sin...we must now suffer the consequences of that. This is a sinful, fallible world. And because of this...we suffer with disease, sicknesses, heartache and heartbreak...but God is STILL on the throne...and His grace is STILL sufficient. And in those dark hours...His arms are STILL stretched wide...wanting to love you.

Your anger does NOT catch Him off guard. He was not "shocked" when you said you were mad at Him. I've been mad at God...and have wanted to turn away from Him because of things that have happened in my life. What I realized though was that God was not punishing me...but that He wanted to hold and console me in the hurtful, harsh times of my life...if I would let Him. It took some time...but He was still there with open arms...waiting to wipe the tears from under my eyes, when I came back.

My daughter DID survive the Jaundice attack, but has chronic Asthma, and a low immune system. So she's under the weather quite often. And we run to the doctor quite often too. It's still a battle...but I praise God EVERY TIME I can look into those big brown eyes!

I wore the same braces when I was young that Liam has to wear. My mom said I cried like someone was killing me, but eventually I learned to walk...run...and sleep in them. I had to keep mine on 24/7. My right foot after all of these years...still has a slant to it. But I can walk. So Praise God! I can use my feet...and I'm glad about it. I'm sure I didn't appreciate my mom putting those braces on me at the time...but I sure am grateful now. And you will look back on this time in your life...and Thank God for allowing you to make it during this rough time as well.

God loves you...and so do I my sister in Christ!

Shelley

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I, too, have suffered with a suffering son. My boy, age 12 has spent many days in agony. I have always asked God that He would heal my son from the inside-out. Until last year we had no answers, just more medications, doctors, travel, and tears. In all of this, I realize that God is not the author of these things. We live in a sinful, imperfect world where there is pain and suffering. In this, the Lord reminds us that He has overcome the world. His Joy can be our Strength and when we've had no rest, and we're totally frustrated, depressed and feeling hopeless, His mercies are new every morning. Through these great trials, my son and I have grown to be compassionate and tender people. I used to be prideful and judgemental. I praise God that, through these trials, I can come alongside other people with hope and compassion. I believe we all need compassionate people surrounding us when life is hard. And life is hard for many people. May we come through this recognizing how God has been faithful in a million ways. May we look back on all of the stones of His faithfulness in our paths. And may we see that through this experience, we have an opportunity to help others. Blessings - Joy

Elda (Ellie) - posted on 01/25/2010

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Oh sweetie I know it's hard. Usually when G-d does this, He has a plan for the parent or the child. Maybe Liam will grow to help others or find the cure for this. Having it himself will strengthen him and motivate him to help others. Sometimes, it is for the parent. He does not give you more than you can handle with His help. He does love both of you but for G-d, it is the same as us taking our children to get 6 shots all in the same day. We hate to see our kids in pain but do it for their own good. We may not know what good this will bring right now but like the shots showing their benefit when a brake out of some disease comes our child is safe; this to has good that will come of it. Someone asked Jesus who sinned by making a man blind; him or his parents. Jesus said no one sinned but it happened for the glory of G-d. He had to wait all his life to be healed and see the purpose for it but he did receive it and so will Liam.

Ludy - posted on 01/25/2010

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I know where you are coming from. My son was born December 13,1978, he passed away September 4, 2009. He suffered from Endstage Renal Deases. Kidney failure since the age off 11 months old. He went through hell and back. Pain, surgary, dialysis, more pain, surgaries. I often praied and asked God why my baby? He has done nothing that deserves all that hell. But God does have a purpose and through his illness Jose helped alot of people and touched alot of hearts. He believed in our Lord, even though he would ask why him? All I know is that when the time came he was ready to go with God. He said let him go, don't hold me back. Time of suffering and pain is over, it's time to go home and be with God. To sum it all up, Just be strong for Liam, he needs you now more then ever. God will give you the strenth to go with the pain together. Your support and Love will keep him strong and make a better person of him. Hold on to God and never let go. Its ok to to ask why, get mad, scream and shout. You are only human and God understands. My prayers are with you and so is God.

Deborah - posted on 01/25/2010

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Hello, My name is Debbie and i totally understand how you must feel right about now. It has to be extremely hard watching your baby go through such a tough procedure then to be so uncomfortable and in so much pain and there seems to be nothing you can do for him as he looks to you for comfort and reassurance.
You see I know all of this because i have been there, not in the exact same predicament, no my daughter didn't have the same diagnosis as Liam has but she was born with Down's Syndrome and she had a whole set of other problems that we faced when she was a baby. It was difficult watching her scream and reach out to me hoping i could rescue her from the pain she had to endure and the fear of not understanding what was happening to her, all of which i am sure Liam is going through as well.
I was hurt but i couldn't get mad at God, i just didn't see it serving a purpose, you see i believe that God is my strength and my refuge and the One that i can go to in my time of need , so if i got mad at Him I would really be out in the cold! I knew that He (God) was there for me and Lauren (my daughter) and even though we had to endure some rough times now,this was all to make our tomorrow much brighter. So yeah it was tough and we both cried and went through a lot of emotions but God has brought my baby girl(she is 30 today smile) to a place where she is healthy, strong and has no problems to speak of.
I said all of that to say this, being mad at God doesn't help, He gave you Liam as a gift, Liam belonged to God first and He only wants the best for him. Liam may have to go through a few procedures that are pretty rough for him and you right now, but in the end when it is all said and done he will be as good as new and he will be so thankful that his mom loved him enough to let him go through the pain so that he can have a brighter tomorrow.

I know you don't know me and i said a lot and i hope that it helps if not, just delete this and move on, but i truly wish you the best.

My prayers are with you
Debbie

Lisa - posted on 01/24/2010

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Wow! It is somthng 2 go throught tht but God do luv u and ur son Liam. I cann't say I do understand wat u r goin thought.But I will pray 4 ur family 4 u alls strength in ths. God only knows why u and ur son but I kno he does hav a plan 4 u all. It will com 2 pass.so b strong my sister. I kno somtimes Gods always helps but his music does 2 get ur stess scriptur out like Ps 51:10, Phil 4:4-7, Job 2:10, Deu. 8:5.

Leann - posted on 01/24/2010

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I am not saying I have ever went through what you have, but I can remember some times when I have asked God WHY He allows things to happen....
My husband and I had craved a baby so bad, and been trying for some time- when I found out I was preg. I was like a ball of fire, cause I was so excited!
I had practically their whole life planned out, so much hope and excitement.
But, at 31/2 months, I started cramping and bleeding. I went through a tremendous ordeal, scared to go to work on my feet and bleed more. So, I was imprisoned to a bed with my feet up and all alone- afraid of what was going on with the baby. I dreaded that something terrible was going on, but was in denial. When my husband finally agreed to take me to the hospital, the doctors told us our baby was dead. I remember when I got home, I lost the baby and the hospital told me to put the baby in a bowl and take it to them, so they could make sure it was the baby. I remember going into the doct. office with my baby in a bowl and then hearing someone find out they are preg. and jumping for joy. I was depressed for a year, and in my own way I was angry at God. I still wonder why He took that baby - but some things we just will not understand until we get to Heaven. Just, one thing we have to remember- He ALWAYS has a reason. You may not want to hear that right now, but it really is true.
When you get the chance, I think you can find it in the old testiment- of the bible.... there is a story where people are trying to figure out why a certain child was born with a disability- and the answer was "for the glory of God". - Now, don't take that the wrong way. Just try to find the story and also pray and admit to God your anger toward Him and ask Him what He meant in this story.
For instance ....looking back (for the Glory of God) in losing my baby, could mean that I take my testimony of what happened to me and apply it to a Pregnancy Center and empathize with other women that have lost a baby too. Or, someone could be healed of a disease and cause other people to believe in God, ect. God sees the big picture. Just, know that He loves you very much, and does not want to see you in pain or your child. He allows some things to happen for our growth too, but like I said before, we may never understand it completely in this life. I hope you can reconcile your feelings toward God, and I will be praying for you, I hope this helped you in some way.

STACY - posted on 01/24/2010

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Honey, I know it has to be hard. And being mad At God is ok. He is our father and his love is unconditinal. and you are right everything happens for a reason and there are times we will not understand it and we will question and be upset. It is ok, just dont loose your faith. I am the mother of 5 and husband bailed for a younger one. And I have days where I question everything. To watch the pain of children when they are sick, when they loose, when we cant fix it. we feel helpless. But you are doing the right thing and keep your faith. And I will pray for you and your son everyday. And I will also have my chruch pray too. you are not alone. Take care

Carolyn - posted on 01/24/2010

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I'm sure it's okay to get mad at God. He can handle it, He's God. You don't hold back. Talk to God and tell Him how you feel, just like you are talking to your best friend. It is so hard to watch our children (especially babies) experience bad things. God knows more than anyone how you feel and what you and Liam are going through. God allowed His only Son to go through unbearable pain and suffering. He had to watch His Son be beaten beyond recognition, spat upon and mocked. He allowed this because He loved us so very much and this was His redemption plan. Jesus was the most innocent of all. God is our Abba (Daddy) Father. He loves us very much. I know God cares about baby Liam. You are right, God has a reason for allowing this. He has a reason for all things. He knows where all the puzzle pieces go. Please let your anger be turned to thanksgiving. This whole experience can be such a character builder! The saying "that which does not kill us, makes us stronger" is true!

Lisa - posted on 01/24/2010

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I suggest journaling and being honest with god and searching for his peace. I know that what ever we go through God will help us and then we ar e to help others in the same way he helped us. My son had autism and through prayer and biomedical intervention he is 99 percent cured. He has had tons of food allergies severe acid reflux, endoscopies colonoscopies for chronic diahrea, head banging, ataxia sezier like behavior developmental delay, loss of language, and as I said after 3 years of fighting for him he is gifted reading since 3 and completely normal except for food issues ( exteremly select diet.) no one would ever know he had autism or the behaviors and problems I told you aabout. I hope you will be able to say no one would ever know your son had these problems one day. And that you will reach out to a Mom that does.

Brenda - posted on 01/24/2010

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God loves you and Liam, more than you could possibly imagine. He will never give you more than you can handle. He wants you to depend on him for all your needs, both physical and emotional. When we are broken, we realize how truly blessed we are to have a God that loves us some much that he will carry us through when we can't walk any more. With your faith and your friends and families prayers, God will answer. Just know it may not be the way that you want it answered. We do not know God's plans but we have to have faith in them. We are only a small part of the puzzle and someday, we will see where we fit in the beautiful picture. Perhaps, You and maybe Liam, some day, will be able to share your experiences with another family to stregthen them and build them up when they need it. I like to listen to 33 miles music and they remind me that the way we see our circumstance is all about a choice. If we see God in all we do and we depend on him for our needs, we can focus on helping other's to meet their needs. I know you don't know me, but you are my sister in the Lord...I will pray for you and your son. God Bless.

Holly - posted on 01/24/2010

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I can't imagine what you are experiencing but please know that God loves you and Liam. God does work in mysterious ways. I know it is so easy to question God and be angry but please know the power of prayer. Prayer is key. God wants you to know he is still there. Let him be your guide and support.

Marcia - posted on 01/24/2010

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You said don't hold back. So... here goes. I am a born again christian so I come at it from that perspective. Almost 3 years ago, one of my daughters had a baby boy. His birth was "uneventful" in that nothing went wrong. But he never seemed quite "right". Right after his first birthday he had a horrible seizure that lasted about 2 hrs. To make a long story short, after trips to the NIC unit at a university hospital, a year later he went into total liver failure and was airlifted to Pittsburgh Children's Hospital. They were there for a month with every test imaginable done. He had so many blood draws that his veins are scarred and it's hard to get blood now. After genetic testing and many biopsies, etc, he was diagnosed with Alper's Syndrome, which is a mitochondrial disease that makes every cell in his little body weak. It is a nasty disease with a short life expectancy. He is almost 3 now, crawls but doesnt' walk, can't sit up alone and only says one syllable words. But he's smart, has a wonderful sense of humor and his smile is incredible. He suffers every day, all day long. But my daughter and son-in-law are handling this better than I can imagine. No, they aren't perfect. Yes, there are times when they just want to be angry with God. But what good would that do? Some thing happen and we don't know the reason. But we have to press into God and know that even though the circumstances are less that ideal, there is hope in knowing that if we are christians, God will work everything out for our good. You have to keep your focus on the Lord Jesus and He will carry you through the hardest times and hold your hand through the hard times. Chrish every day and pray for healing. That is how our family deals with what God has allowed to come our way.

Felecia - posted on 01/23/2010

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God puts no more on us than we can bare,I understand your frustration but do not get angry at God, he is there and he cares. Sometime he have us go through storms to see if we are going to fail or pass and it seems like to me this is your storm.Thank God for your baby it could have been worse. I work with special needs children and I see a lot of different things that some children have to suffer with. You are blessed also because there is someone out there who would love to have a baby and can't, and you where blessed with a child.I know I am not in your situation but count your blessings and be greatful and I can tell you love your lil Liam never be ashame and ignore ignorant people who may stare and act strange toward you.god does care and you can talk with him, just like you post on this site it is just that easy.

Heather - posted on 01/23/2010

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I was born with retinal blastoma. The doctors didn't really know what it was back then, so it took a long time to get it diagnosed. Long story short I lost my right eye when I was two. But it could have been much worse. I spent part of my life angry with God. Why couldn't I be normal. Then I started learning more about God, and that everything happens for a reason, and while I didn't know my reason, I chose to thank God, instead of being angry. I thanked God that because I was different, I wasn't judgmental of others with handicaps. I thanked God that they caught it before it went into my optic nerve and into my brain. I thanked God that it was only in one of my eyes. Then I had my first child, I had him tested right away, and they did so, but told me it was silly because it wasn't genetic. Well he didn't have it, praise God. So when my second son was born I didn't have him checked. Well, I should have. He did have it, much worse then me. He lost his right eye when he was a month old. He had several laser surgeries, chemo, and radiation treatments to save his left eye. I praised God that I had been through it first and new what lay ahead of him. I praised God that I knew what I was looking at when I saw it in his eye because my mom had saw it in mine when I was little. The reason that I'm telling you this is because we don't always know why God does things, but God does. He does love your baby. You don't know his reason for this happening, but that doesn't mean that God isn't doing it out of love. This will shape the person that your son becomes. People looking at him different will effect the way that he looks at others.

God is good. We just can't see things the way he does. The other day I read something that I really liked. It said that when we get to heaven, we will be able to look back on our lives and see them the way that God saw them. We will be able to see his reasoning, we will be able to understand why. We will thank him for everything because we will be able to see why he did what he did. Now I don't know of any Scripture to support that, but I'm sure that if we could see things the way God saw them then we would thank him.

Another quote for you: Faith is praising God even when you can't see the positive outcome.

Tah - posted on 01/23/2010

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O honey, i understand the anger, so just pray and ask God to help you throught the anger withhim, We love our children and who wants them to be in pain, we don't know God's reasons for everything but just pray over him because God knows us and our hearts and he loves your son also...i'll keep you in my prayers and the baby as well...

Sonya - posted on 01/23/2010

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My heart and prayers go out to you Kailey and your son but i i have to tell you that God is not the one you should be mad at... He said in His word every good and perfect thing comes form Him , so yes bad things happen but they are not from him you should run to him for the peace, joy and strength that you need He sees you and your son's pain and He wants to comfort you and him, why do you think He sent Jesus into the earth to die a painful death? He sent Him here to take away the pain that you now have trust him he will take it all away... I encourage you to get in the word of God and find out about the love that He has for you and your son and i promise you your life will never be the same because you will be able to cast the whole of the problem on Him because He does care for you and your son He loves you and wants you and your son not to suffer because Jesus has already suffered in our stead.

Stay strong in the Lord and In the power of His might
Your Sister In Christ
Sonya

[deleted account]

It does sound like a horrible ordeal, and I think feeling a little angry and confussed about it is quite natural.
Perhaps a good way to start feeling better about this is to be thankful, not only that God is in charge of this whole situation and that He will never put you through an ordeal He knows you can't make it through, but that you live in country where this condition can medically corrected! There are probably some mother's in less fortunate countries who cannot fix a problems like this, or even a simpler problem, for their children! It may seem like a long way off, but some day in the future all of this will be a distant memory and you can look back and see how blessed you were to have a God, friends, family, and a health care system to lean on during this time :)

Cynthia - posted on 01/23/2010

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Don't worry sister God loves you and you child too. remember every child is a gift from God. and dont forget Gods promise that he will never abandon you nor forsake you. just give him thanks even if you don't undestand what he is doing right now just know that he will give you power to endure . He does send us tests to test our faith. (read 1 Peter vs 6 n 7). I pray u will find comfort in it.

Victoria - posted on 01/23/2010

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How awful it must be to go through such a hardship & heartache. I haven't had the same circumstance, but I believe I understand the pain you feel.

My oldest had water on her lungs when she was born and we had to give her inhalers through a machine with a mask (so scary for her) they had to stick her in this plastic chest thing to hold her in place to take scans and x-rays & she would cry so much. She'd be up at night screaming and crying because she couldn't breath properly, but I'm so blessed, it could have been so much worse, Praise God with in a couple of years she was completely fine.

God doesn't make these things happen, he knows by his omnipitance that they will happen and doesn't stop them. I always think it's some what of a test. God wants to us to see where our hearts are (he already knows). He wants us to know that we will trust him with our situations knowing that "In all things God works for the good of those who love him and have been called according to his purpose" Romans 8:28

We have to keep praying & trusting God, and praying He didn't put this on you and your son by any means, but He's the one that will bring you through it and out of it. You'll certainly both be in my prayer.

Amy - posted on 01/22/2010

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I will pray for your son and you. It must be awfull to see him in so much pain and crying none stop. God bless you. The Lord does Love you so very much. I am here if you need to talk. I shared my story on here it may help. Read Amy's story. I never experienced problems with my feet or Abraham's feet athough he has to wear these things in his shoe to grow the bones properly and they bother him. But that is nothing compared to what you are going through.

April - posted on 01/22/2010

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I know this must be hard for you, and I don't know why this is happening to you and your son. God does love Liam and he loves you too. Just keep praying and seeking help. I too will be praying for you. The Lord works in mysterious ways and we don't always understand why and we often get mad...but He knows the future and this may be something that will help your son later on. Just keep your faith and don't turn your back on the Lord, he is there for you, even if he seems far away.



3 We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. 4 And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. 5 And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. Romans 5:3-5



It may not be much but I will offer a shoulder to lean on....and I will be praying for you.

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