Alicia - posted on 05/03/2010 ( 2 moms have responded )
Having a teenager scares me to death. I've never had a teenager so close to adulthood. My oldest son, Matthew, is 17 years old. He'll be 18 in July, and it scares me to death, mostly because the majority of our conversations go a little like this:
"Hey son, how was your day?"
"Did you do anything fun?"
"Did you get any grades back?"
"...Would you like to share them?"
We used to have a really good relationship, until this damn teen angst but now we barely communicate. Now, mind you, I lost two sons, one who was 17, and the other who was nine, in a car accident 2 years ago. That put A LOT of stress on both of us. But for the first time in his life, Matthew is questioning whether or not to go to college. I don't like indecisiveness. And Matthew is being REALLY wishy-washy about this very serious matter.
Matthew used to have dreams. When he was four, he wanted to be a cowboy. When he was 8, he wanted to be an astronaut. When he was 12, he wanted to play in the World Series, and when he was 15, he wanted to work building computers for Apple. But now, nothing. Its like his dreams and aspirations died in that car along with his brothers. He doesn't put forth any effort, and the child who carried a 4.0 all the way through Freshmen, Sophmore, and Junior years now has a 3.4, and he's not caring at all.
Its a hard concept to grasp- that, that baby that I held in my hands 17 years ago, is now not communicating with me, and is now not being serious about a future that would be so bright. Matthew is now ending his Senior year, and its crunch time. He needs to decide, and I honestly don't think he's even thinking about it at all. He's not the same kid I used to see. He's not the same kid I used to have such high expectations for- he's now the kid who I am pleased if he even comes down stairs to eat dinner with us.
He's never been like this before, and he wasn't even like this when Spencer and Noah first died.
Maybe I am wrong. Maybe he does still have hopes and dreams for the future. Maybe he does still want to go to college. Maybe he does still want to do something with his life.
Maybe he doesn't.
But one thing is for sure, I'll never give up on him.
I'll never give up on that little boy who I looked at, saying "Oh, you're going to be something special."
I'll never give up on the nine year old boy who sat on Santa's lap, and told him he wanted to be an engineer for Christmas.
I'll never give up on my son.