Mother-in-law issues!!!

Cathy - posted on 12/10/2009

Hi, Im sorry to hear you are having so much DRAMA! Its always a sticky situation when it comes to the IN-LAWs. No I do not think you are wrong for wanting to protect your kids, that is one of the main purposes of parenting...keeping your children out of harms way. It sounds to me that your mother-in-law is a little imature and needs to grow up, I mean who really hits a elderly person, never the less hit anyone at all. I know you said she always brings up past things, but depending how your husband feels about it I suggest having a sit down conversation over lunch or somthing, just the three of ya'll ( you, mother-in-law, and husband) and in a very respectfurl way let her know how you feel. But also consider and be understanding how she feels. After discuss some way to have the kids in her life, but only in ways that you are comfortable with. Well I hope my advice helps in some way.

Sincerely,
Cathy

Heather - posted on 12/05/2009

I will keep praying.

Kristy - posted on 12/03/2009

Thank you all for the prayers we really need it! My husband has tried talking with her but he cant have a nice conversation with her at all bc of the way shes been treating him. Shes constantly bringing up the past and hes tried telling her if she could just let go of the past we all could have a better relationship with one another. I use to try to take the kids over there to see her but everytime i would go she was always depressed talking about how her boys have grown up and I just got tired of taking my kids around a depressed person! As far as my father in law goes we have tried talking to him about it too and at first he was trying to help us but now hes just as bad as she is so now my husband doesnt have a good relationship with either of his parents. I feel sorry for him! So please keep praying for us that no matter what she does we will show her that we do love her and want her to be apart of our lives but shes gotta change first.

Donna - posted on 12/03/2009

I think you are doing the right thing and trying to protect your children. Your best bet is probably for your husband and you to sit down and talk to your father-in-law about the situation. He may be able to get her to understand that she needs to change if she wants to spend more time with her grandchildren. If he is unwilling or unable to help, then all you can do is pray for her and ask your friends to pray for her too.

Heather - posted on 12/03/2009

I agree with Rachel and Staci. Ask your husband to speak with her. If she comes to your door when he is not home, do not answer it. You and not risk your children's safety. Maybe have your children color pictures and mail them to her. But so far I think I would be in the same boat as you. After every encounter with her that goes badly I would encourage you to pray together as a family. Both for her and for your family to love her through this and make wise choices. If it's a good encounter pray and thank God together for provision.

Rachel - posted on 12/02/2009

I completely agree with Staci. It is critical that boundaries are set with our families and that our children are protected.

I had to set strict boundaries with my mom about a year ago. She and I have always had issues. I've always tried to keep the door open to a relationship with her. And, through the grace of God, she continues to grow and we keep trying. But, a year ago she blew up at me, said a lot of nasty/hurtful things and I had had enough. I told her never to talk to me again, that I was not willing to put up with that kind of treatment, I disowned her as my mother and as the grandmother of my son, she was not welcome in my home and I never wanted to see her again. It takes a LOT to get me to this point. I'm very understanding and forgiving. But, she finally crossed the line.

That was her wake-up call. She finally realized that if she wanted to have a daughter and grandson (my son is the only grandchild so far), the had better start treating me with respect. She prayed about it, realized that she was wrong and apologized. She agreed that her actions were completely out of line and promised to never lash out at me like that again. We are both still far from perfect, but she has never treated me with such disrespect and nastiness again.

Your mother-in-law needs to get it through her head that her own actions cause you not to want to be around her. And, you are not required to subject yourself to her criticism, drama and general crap. It is your husband's place to set this boundary though. If she won't listen to him and respect your boundaries as parents and adults, then she must take the consequences! She will lose the opportunity to have a relationship with her grandchildren.

It is our duty, as parents and Christians, to protect and nurture our children. This is why I have no problem separating myself from those who would cause damage, emotionally or physically. Our kids will pick up the habits and attitudes of those they are around, so we have to set boundaries on who we will allow them to be around in these critical formative years! Later we won't have the kind of control and influence, but while we have it, we should do our best to protect and prepare them for adulthood.

So, to specifically answer your questions: No I can't blame you!!! I think you are right! Your husband needs to be kind, but firm with his mother and set the rules and consequences. She then has the choice of whether she will respect your rights as parents to set these rules. If she doesn't, she knows the consequences. Then the ball is in her court for how to proceed. No need for you to feel guilty or stressed about it.

The only caution I have, not knowing all the facts, is that it is important for us, as mommies, to try to be neutral about our families. If you are spending all your time with your mom instead of your husband's just because you like your mom better, that's not really fair. His mom should be able to have time with her grandchildren too, as long as you and your family's boundaries are respected. Be careful of favoritism in this area based on your own biases for your own family.

Staci - posted on 12/02/2009

I have a grandmother and aunt that are both exactly like this...my dad is a milder version of it. As a child that was exposed to my grandma putting my mom and dad down all the time and starting fights every time we were with her, please know that it is absolutely the right thing to do to protect your children from the drama. It's sad that those experiences are some of the most vivid memories I have of childhood because they were pretty traumatic for me. Even as an adult, I still have trouble interacting with them...I distance myself from them. I live over an hour from all of them and I rarely speak with them on the phone. When I do, I try to make it short and sweet. I try to show them grace (and often times fail)...it's a tough balance. God calls us to love even the most unlovable but try not to do so at the expense of your children's psyche. This is also a battle that your husband should be fighting, not you. He needs to set the boundaries with his mother - what behavior he expects from her when she is around his children and explain that if she can't behave how he expects, then she won't have access to the kids. I did this with my own father - he knows that if he puts me down in front of my child, he will not see me or my child again. I set that boundary when I was pregnant. My daughter is 17 months old and my dad is truly living up to his end of the bargain. He knows I mean business though. If your husband can respectfully set boundaries with his mom and support you in your decision to shelter them from the drama, it will be a good thing. I will be praying for you.

Lacy - posted on 12/02/2009

I don't think that it's wrong to keep you're children out of a bad situation. We are to protect our children. We do have to love our family members but don't have to like the things they do or socialize with them. Be kind to her and pray for her. I will be praying for you.