My 9 year old son found his dad after he committed suicide

Charmaine - posted on 06/30/2011 ( 22 moms have responded )

4

0

0

Just signed up to this site 10 mins ago - my 9 year old son found his dad almost 7 weeks ago. He took his own life (hung himself on the washing line) my son and his 2 younger brothers aged 2 and 6 months were the only ones home at the time - no other adult around. I am remarried and my son is the only biological child I have. This incident happened on his dads weekend with him. He seems to be doing 'ok' still plays his sports and stuff but is extremely fearful at home. He runs from room to room here at home and is scared he may see a ghost of his dad, has anyone experienced anything similar? This is so stressful, not only did he experience tragedy by losing his dad but trauma ontop of it by finding him. I am so angry that my ex could be so selfish to do this. Please comment or offer any suggestions/help. I live in New Zealand.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Rebekah - posted on 06/30/2011

1,441

19

174

Wow! What a scary thing for your son...

First thing you need to help your son with is realizing there is no such thing as "ghosts". Read the parable of the rich man in Luke 16 beginning with verse 19. Realize from the story that no one can leave hell and no one can leave heaven.

If he starts to see "things" in your home, you need to become a prayer warrior and start attacking the devil's spirit of fear.

Teach your son that if he sees something, he can speak to it and it will leave... tell him to say "In the Name of Jesus, be gone". It has to flee!

Then start praying Scriptures of peace over your home, quote them day and night. When your son sleeps, go in his room and pray over him promises of Scripture of peace and joy.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Sicily - posted on 06/30/2011

7

47

0

Mom, keep him involved in activities. But be prepared to seek counseling for ur son especially once school starts back. I work in the mental health field and deal with this types issues.

Nina - posted on 07/14/2011

2

6

0

God Bless you in Jesus' name. I pray right now that God send peace, love and joy to you, your home and your beautiful son. I'm so sorry he had to experience this. Pray for him and put him in God's loving hands and care. I pray that God embrace him with his everlasting Love and that he feels God's embrace at this moment and all anxiety and fear leave him in Jesus' name. I don't know how to deal with this other than prayer... Do you have a home church? Have you sought out a bereavement center or group for children? I've heard they are wonderful and he can be with other children who are going through the same thing. I will continue to lift you and him in prayer... please keep me posted! I want to hear the miracle of Christ in his life and joy restored! :-) Nina

SomeRandomMother - posted on 07/13/2011

85

0

22

My neighbor commited suicide while her son was playing at our house ... her older son found her. What we saw over the years was classic grief stages in both boys but in different ways. A trauma counselor saw both of the boys and talked to those of us who were close with the family. She suggested that we all remain open to conversations with the oys, give them positive feedback and accept their feelings in the moment.

We found that over the months that followed the little guy would spontaneously talk about his mom and ask questions about her death. We just tried to answer honestly (and age appropriately) and reassured him that she loved him but was too sad and lost to make the right decision on the moment.

Now, four years later ... both boys are doing well and the family is finding their way again.

Like everyone said ... prayer, counseling and patience is the only thing that can help.

Avie - posted on 07/01/2011

21

57

0

I have no advice to offer aside from just loving him. I just wanted you to know that your son, your family & his younger siblings will be in my prayers. My own father took his life when I was 11 years old. I hadn't had any contact with him since I was 2 years old (the year he left). It was a couple of my younger siblings who found him. They, sadly, didn't have much support from their family & the affects of that have been profound. Though he wasn't a part of my life, it still left an impact on my life. I internalized a lot. But I have a mother that has also dealt with family demons & showed me that I could overcome anything as long as I had the love of my family, a strong foundation in Christ, trusted in God & (most importantly) prayed.
Again, you are all in my prayers.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

22 Comments

View replies by

Patricia - posted on 08/12/2011

9

0

0

First of all I am so sorry this happened to your family. You are truly in my prayers. I am thinking he needs someone on the outside to talk to. He may seem to be doing ok on the outside, but I am sure he is still in pain on the inside. Sometimes children are more open with someone else besides their family. It may help him with the healing process though every person is different on how they handle grief and tragedy and the time it takes.

I just pray your Son can learn to live in the home again without being scared.

Wilma - posted on 07/10/2011

5

16

0

Counseling and prayer are wonderful. At night when you say your prayers before your son goes to bed, also give him promises from the bible. One verse that is a great comfort is in Isaiah 41:10 ' Fear not for I am with you, I am your God, I will hold your hand.' (Paraphrased)

Angela - posted on 07/07/2011

2,410

9

321

This is a dreadful experience for your child. A one-time neighbour of mine did this and his children found him. He wrote a couple of notes saying bad things about their mother. The kids didn't blame their Mam, but their father's other relatives did. It was pretty awful. The kids got to see those notes before they went to the Coroner but they got them back after a year or so. Very sad indeed.

I agree with the contributor who says your child needs to actively forgive his father by saying so aloud.

Also, if it will help, can you obtain some little keepsake for your son from his father's possessions? This might make it all easier to bear.

So sorry for both you & your son in going through this.

Kristina - posted on 07/06/2011

86

32

8

I was about 12 when one of my sisters attempted and i was the one to find her. I was so angry with her for years parents took us to counceling and everything. I am now 29, I forgave her years ago but it still hurts. It is something that you do get over but never forget. I am truly sorry! Make sure that you talk to him often not just about what he saw but let him feel that you are there for him no matter what. He will talk to you when he is ready pushing it will only make it last longer. Say some prayers for him such as
"Peace I leave with you, My Peace I give to you Not as the world gives to you. not let your heart be troubled nor let it be afraid." John 14:27 This passage has comforted me in so many ways. Prayers to you and your son! God Bless you both!

Pat - posted on 07/05/2011

282

0

17

he may not need counseling yet. it might take a while. and should you go that route, make sure there is some biblical counsel involved. secular can be not so great as it is, i can imagine when it comes to this situation...be prayerful. and you know, it is possible if he is free to talk with you, and he is doing ok, he may not need it. or it may be something that he needs some help with when he is older. glad things are going ok. so sorry you have to go through this.

Lisa - posted on 07/05/2011

148

68

1

I would also recommend finding a book (for you) about the stages of grief. That may also help you during this phase while you try to decide the best time for counseling and wondering what's next, etc. Still praying for you guys and especially your son. That is just so traumatizing. He may end up having PTSD from this. If so, the counseling will be long-term and they might also recommend medication. Just giving you heads up as I have experience in the subject of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Hugs!

Rebekah - posted on 07/05/2011

1,441

19

174

Should go and buy that Veggie Tales movie "Where's God when I'm Scared?" -- it's great!!

Carla - posted on 07/04/2011

4,282

83

592

Wonderful, honey. I would suggest you and Hubby pray for guidance on the counseling-thing. God's advice may be different than a 'professional's', but HIS is always the right one :)

God bless, honey, we are always here for you.

Charmaine - posted on 07/04/2011

4

0

0

Thanks so much for all your prayers,advice and recommendations. My son was not sleeping very well roughly a week ago - I took him to the library and we got out some instrumental cd's to play at night when he goes to bed - worked a treat, hes been sleeping in his own room all night since then, only calls out a couple of times to check we are still there (understandably) its like going back to toddler stage. We keep reassuring him about his fears and we pray everynight and my husband has started doing the "lets check the wardrobe and under the bed" etc so my son knows theres nothing "hiding". He still sees his other 2 little brothers once a week when he goes to have dinner with his dads family (parents, brother, sister) on a Tuesday night. Things do seem much better than a week ago - I truly value all your prayers and its so nice to know that complete strangers would do that for someone they dont even know :) As for the counselling situation - Im in 2 minds for my son, I know we cant act like nothing has happened, we cant turn a blind eye to this trauma, but Im wondering how quick we do it or how long do we wait til the time is right? I guess I need to investigate with some experts in that area and see what they advise. I guess it cant hurt for him to try and talk to someone other than us - he is so shut off from his dad and the event. He does not want to see photos of him or go to the cemetary - which I am very understanding and supportive about - he said he will tell me when hes ready to do that. He also does not like people talking about his dad what soever even if it is happy things - hes just wanting to block him out at this stage. I am happy to support this for now but do know that at some stage we need to start the healing process of talking about things (maybe not directly about the death or the incident) but about his dad in general. We have had the talk re: anniversary's, grief, guilt, why dad chose to do this, managing sadness etc - but I think it would be good for him to talk with someone neutral who is experienced and specialises in the area of children and grief/death. Once again thankyou for all your prayers - they are needed and very much appreciated.

Pat - posted on 07/03/2011

282

0

17

maybe make it a bedtime thing to go through the house and pray? or even just do it from one room, but he may be comforted by praying for protection, and it might keep the 'ghost' which we know are demons away. is there anyway to keep his younger siblings close by? if i read post right, there is a 2 yr old and 6 month old? different mom? it may be uncomfortable, but it might help to keep them playing together..i dont know. i am assuming to do what is normal is best.
i am so sorry for this. such a range of emotions. i will pray for your family/your son and even his.

Lisa - posted on 07/03/2011

148

68

1

He would benefit from seeing a therapist, I'm sure. You might benefit from it, too. Maybe to help you know how to help him at home. This is so tragic. A Christian therapist or counselor would probably be best. I will pray for you both. I know you're so angry. It may be a long time before things start to settle down again, but it will happen. Get some help, okay? Hugs to you!

Victoria - posted on 07/02/2011

1,306

36

174

How terrible, your son & you are in my prayers.
I have no experience with this, but I have experience with death in general. Under normal circumstances (natural death) most children require counselling, so I believe under these traumatic circumstances more so.

If you have a home church talk to the pastors to recommend a Christian counsellor who has experience working with children &/or death. Your son may not want to open up at all, at first, but that would actually be normal as it will probably take some time. I have a 9 year old daughter who was completely traumatised when our cat died, so to lose a parent and have to experience what he did I can't even imagine the pain your son must be going through & you with him.

Once again, I will keep you both in my prayers.

Loving you in Christ,
Pastor Victoria MacPherson

Marilyn - posted on 06/30/2011

43

13

0

That is such a tough thing to deal with. I will be praying for you.

I would say that if your son starts fearing that his dad's ghost is around (I don't believe in ghosts haunting us, but I know children often do), that he should say aloud, "Dad, I forgive you." Speaking the words aloud will help foster a spirit of forgiveness instead of fear, and may help bring peace to your child.

Praying nightly for his dad might also help. Prayer does a lot of good, particularly to the person sending up the prayer. He's not going to forget what happened, but with the help of God, hopefully the horror can be lessened.

Carla - posted on 06/30/2011

4,282

83

592

Charmaine, I am so sorry for your pain. There are a lot of emotions running around your home, from your son as well as from you. First, your son needs to be made as secure as possible. You may have to tell him you love him, hug him, whatever so he knows you are there, and you will never leave him. You have to understand that when you guys divorced, he sort of lost his dad, and was still dealing with that, only to find Dad actually gone. So it's a double whammy. How is your new husband's relationship with him? He may have to step up his game as well, and make sure your son has the most secure home possible.



You are angry at your ex--your son is probably angry AND sad. He needs to get those feelings out. He needs to know it's okay to be mad, but Dad was sick. Sometimes life just craps on you, and you can't find your way out. I lived in deep depression for years, and understand how it totally takes over your life. Suicide sounded oh so attractive! To never hurt again, to never feel inadequate---. It is a lie from the devil, but the feelings are very real. You need to help him understand that Dad wasn't bad, he just couldn't cope with life.



Get with your pastor to find grief counseling for you both, maybe even the whole family so they can all participate in the healing. This was a horrible event in his life, but he has to be able to see that God is still there, He didn't leave his dad, Dad just couldn't see Him. Keep God center in the conversation, so he doesn't get bitter.



God bless, sweetheart. We are praying for you.

Charmaine - posted on 06/30/2011

4

0

0

Thankyou - prayers will be grateful received. We are Christians and its just me and my husband and my son who live in our home. We go to church - my husband is a childrens ministry leader - he works with young people mainly aged 11-13yrs, I work in a high school. We pray and pray for the spirit of peace to flood our home our lives but just reading the couple of comments already I know I need to 'step up' the level of prayer and pray earnestly for a recovery and protection. I am 28 years old - my husband is 48 we have both worked in mental health with depressed clients and suicidal clients - it all seems so much different when its so close to home. I have had post natal depression and depression. This online community thing is just a wonderful thing - Im so thankful I came across it :) Thanks for taking the time to stop by and comment.

Sarah - posted on 06/30/2011

629

0

83

Is he having counselling? I suspect he will probably need some form of Christain therapy to deal with this.

You and your family are in my prayers.

Anne - posted on 06/30/2011

2,755

82

625

About 2 years ago my husband and I found my older sister after she tried to commit suicide. I realize that what your son went through is SO MUCH WORSE than what I went through. I will be Praying for you. I am not sure is you noticed the first Pinned conversation at the top of our main page to our community. We are having a "Day Of Prayer" on July 2, 2011. You can put your Prayer Request in this conversation and because it is Pinned it will stay at the top of the page so every one can see it. Then on July 2, any one that wanted to can spend a few minutes Praying for these Prayer Requests. Regardless if you do post this for our Day of Prayer. I will be Praying for you.

I am so glad you are part of our community!

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms