My husband said he wants a concubine did I do something wrong

Patricia - posted on 08/30/2012

i think your thought are right

Carla - posted on 08/29/2012

Lauren is absolutely right. See if there is a Promise Keepers in your area. That is their mission, to keep men accountable to each other. And since men know a man's inner workings, they know what to look for and know when a guy is feedin' them a line of bull. If there's none in your area, you might get your pastor to start one.



Thanks, Lauren.

Lauren - posted on 08/29/2012

I believe that if he is sincere in wanting to do the right thing, he needs to speak with your pastor, or another person he trusts in a Christian leadership role, telling everything. He needs to have someone, a male role model or a group of male men he trusts to help hold him accountable, someone other than you, who can council him on an ongoing basis. He would need to be honest. Kind of like an AA sponsor.

Carla - posted on 08/29/2012

Then of course, Angela, he needs to be tested by a physician.



But their problems go far beyond STDs. This is what I was addressing. There IS life after adultery, and there is healing after adultery. But it takes two people willing to put themselves on the back burner and start caring for God first, then spouse above all else. Only then can God work a work in us.



God bless, West, praying for a true repentance from the evil, then a healing from God.

Angela - posted on 08/29/2012

Carla, if she feels she is at genuine risk of disease, she is 100% right to withdraw from this man. No man is worth risking one's health for. Especially whilst pregnant.



I know of any number of women who have ended a marriage through their husband's unfaithfulness - mostly because the man didn't even practice safe sex with his woman on the side. One friend's estranged husband got TWO women pregnant within one year of leaving his wife. Some women can actually get through the fact their man has strayed, forgive him, rebuild their lives etc .... It's a whole different ballgame when he's put her health at risk!



Also consider this, the woman that will happily have sex with someone else's husband, and do so without protection - who else has SHE been sleeping with? Without protection?



With safe sex, you're only as safe as your partner, and your partner's partners, and all the people any of them have ever had sex with.

Carla - posted on 08/23/2012

Has he talked to your pastor about this? I think he needs some prayer over him, and to be anointed. And if he is agonizing over this in prayer, that is all well and good. But if he isn't apologizing profusely to you, he isn't truly sorry. You say he understands and is a role model in everything other than this issue? Honey, if he is not caring properly for his wife, his prayers are hindered! How can he maintain a Christian life if his prayers aren't getting any farther than the ceiling? He has GOT to get his heart straight to love and care for you, preferring you above all else, other than God, including 'Mr Private'.



We are called to be different, honey. Look up Seeking Advice on Husband on Porn Sites by Ellen on the topic page of Christian Mommies. She was turned off by her husband's porn addiction, same as you. But this is a vicious circle, honey. If you don't give him the affection he wants, he will look elsewhere. This does NOT mean you are a slave to his needs, far from it! But sex is God's glue for married couples, to bind them into that oneness He desires for His children. I know you may not want to, but if your physical condition allows, you BOTH need this binding tie and physical and emotional release.



God bless, honey. We are praying for you.

West - posted on 08/22/2012

Thank you Carla . He understands that he is a role model Christian in every other thing. He comes to me and crys about the temptation and late at night I hear him praying to God in our office bathroom so I truly believe he is sincere in his struggle I just don't understand how is this still an issue for him. I don't even feel like getting affectionate with him because he is aroused. I can't imagine being tortured in myself like that. It's like I'm mad at him but I feel sorry for him at the same time

West - posted on 08/22/2012

Angela I'm not going to do this. It's just I thought we were past this stage since he's cheated before. I am surprised at the amount of women willing to hook up with him he's almost 40 and he doesn't hide that he's married they just have no morals, ( that's why I'm afraid of STDs) I have no friends or family and his family is no help. I just wish he never said that

Carla - posted on 08/22/2012

West, there's a huge difference between deliberately withholding sex and not having sex because of physical conditions. AND, I don't think Paul would approve of the way he is talking to and treating you. So don't beat yourself up.



You say he is Christian--are you sure? Paul said in Ephesians that a husband is to love their wives as their own bodies AND with the same Love Jesus loves the Church with. He went on further to say that if a husband does not live with his wife according to knowledge, his prayers would be hindered. That means if he knows you are having a rough pregnancy and he not only continues to bug you for sex, but taunts you with threats of getting another woman, he is not living according to this verse, so he might as well not even bother praying. Paul also said that if a man doesn't take care of his family he's worse than an infidel (an unbeliever). So, IF you husband truly thinks he is performing his Christian duty here, guess again! Sounds like he needs to meet the One who wrote these things--Jesus.



Sorry to come down so hard on him, but men, for too long, have misread and misquoted the Bible, giving themselves all the fringe benes without doing anything in return. God told men in Genesis that they would work by the sweat of their brow until they die. The Holy Spirit, through Paul, told men to love, cherish, honor and protect, preferring their wives over their own personal, selfish wants. If I can get ANYTHING through to the Community, it is husbands have this story all wrong! Whether you can get your pastor to preach on this, have a Bible study for couples, or just read these things to your husbands, your marriages won't be in line with God's Will until husbands take the role God gave them in the beginning. The king of the castle mentality is dead!



God bless, sweetheart

Angela - posted on 08/22/2012

He is testing the waters I think but it's still very disrespectful.

You need to be assertive, and speak out like you have nothing to lose. One sniff of "neediness" in a woman and an unscrupulous man feels he's struck gold - he can call the shots with demands that are ever more outrageous.

If you've been with him a while (and I assume you must have been if you're expecting baby number 6!) he maybe thinks he doesn't have to try anymore.

Next time he mentions a concubine tell him to go right ahead. Trust me most worthy young women don't want to hook up to a man who has 6 kids.

Then again, it's interesting that he suggests getting someone who needs a place to stay! Maybe he's looking for someone else who is "needy"? An assertive woman for a lodger (or as his wife) wouldn't be his idea of preserving his position as King of the Castle.

Tell him you've heard of an excellent cleaner who would like to come & stay with your family and will help around the home and also pay $xx per week in rent. Go into raptures about this prospective tenant and when you have his interest, casually mention that this person is male .... Watch his reaction.

I've been down this road and when I look back, I'm more angry with myself than anyone else. Don't do this to yourself West.

You're in my prayers.

West - posted on 08/22/2012

We live in the USA and we are Christian. He knows that Its wrong to do so and he said it in a passive manner ( trying to gage my response) I've already decided this is my last child. I am obese and can't lose weight pregnant every year. I feel so bad cause he told me a few weeks ago he and a woman were "trying to hook up" but it didn't happen. He seems remorseful but I'm not really attracted to him anymore after this. I don't want an STD from these lose women he's attracted to. I read in Timothy where I'm not to deny him sex but I don't feel like he's mine. I feel like he's tainted. I know to be forgiving and my kids are so happy at home I just feel bad

Carla - posted on 08/22/2012

Do I take it you live in a country where concubines are acceptable? Are you a Christian couple? There's so much going on in your short paragraph that I am having trouble deciding what to address first.

Have you talked about maybe having this child be your last? We ended our family with 3, because of the complications I had with our third child. You say this is your third difficult pregnancy. I think I would be asking the Lord whether this is enough ;)

Hubby cheated? Has he repented to you and God? If he's asking for a concubine, I think maybe I answered my own question. My next logical question is WHY he feels the need for a concubine? Is there a status symbol or religious mandate to have a lot of children? IF he is Christian, he will note from the Bible that concubines were for a season, to populate the Earth. In the New Testament Paul says to have one husband and one wife, so we can assume that this is no longer Biblically acceptable.

Having 5 children and another on the way would tend to take away the sexual urge ;) But I think this is the least of your marital problems. He is looking at this from a purely selfish point of view. HIS needs are not being met. There is such a thing as SELF-CONTROL that he needs to learn. If the wife you have married is unavailable sexually for a very good reason, GO TAKE A COLD SHOWER!

I would highly suggest talking to a counselor from your church. I think you guys need it. We are always here for you, honey, praying for God to reveal some Truths to your husband about marriage and what's involved.

God bless!

Chaya - posted on 08/22/2012

He's being insensitive and immature at best. I wouldn't have any desire for a guy who treated me like that. After six children, he should know what to expect