my husband sucks the air out of the room

Savannah - posted on 01/28/2010 ( 32 moms have responded )

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I am so lost right now and have no idea what to do. My husband has become a vacuum. He sucks all the air and light and happiness and positive out of the room. Nothing is ever good enough for him. He is never happy. Any positive thing there is he quickly turns into a negative. There is nothing that he cannot make into a bad thing.
It isn't like family stuff, per se, because he loves us. It is everything else. He is never satisfied with anything and is always looking for something new. It is impossible to please him. If he finds something he does not like he won't stop talking about it. Like if I make something that he doesn't like. He won't let it go with just, "I don't really like it that well," he's got to tell me everything that he doesn't like about and so on.
He isn't happy with his job or anything. It would take me all day to write everything I mean. He is even negative about our children at times. My son has autism so automatically that means he's retarded. One of them is having a grouchy day so they are little a-holes. I mean, EVERYTHING!
He says, "Hey, I should be getting a raise and bonus from work soon."
I say, "Oh yeah? Cool!"
He says, "don't get too excited it probably wont even be anything much."
This is how it is all the time. I had a rotten upbringing but I have always been a very positive person. I don't let things get me down for very long. But now I can feel myself starting to become like him! and I don't like it. It's awful.
I can't talk to him about it because then he just starts whining and justifying and I seriously just can't BREATHE around him. I can't live like this. I can't describe how awful it is. I would rather he hit me, seriously.
I don't know what to do! We go to church, we pray, we do what we are supposed to do from that angle. I try to think of fun things for us to do and am automatically shot down by his negativity. I don't know what do to.
I want him to go and talk to someone but he won't do that either.
I can't keep listening to this every day. I feel like screaming but I can't do that. My heart literally hurts and I don't know what to do.
It makes me sad that he feels this way all the time and it upsets me to feel this way and I don't want our children to grow up around this kind of atmosphere.
I am not a quitter and I don't know how to help him. How can I help him?
Any suggestions, ladies? I can't exist in this darkness. I just can't.

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Chris - posted on 02/04/2010

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Savannah, My heart goes out to you sweet thing. I can feel your desire to help your husband. I've been married 37 years and been through many, many ups and downs. The one thing I have come to realize is I can not help my husband if he does not want to help himself. Two times in our marriage I sat him down and gave him a choice, make a change or I'm gone. Both times it worked! Sometimes they don't realize how close you are to the breaking point. Men seem to need the straight up talk and the naked truth. You will be in my prayers.
CM

Mary Lou - posted on 02/02/2010

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Savannah. Have you thought about seeking counceling for yourself. It isn't about your husband. It is about you. He is the way he is and you my dear have no control over his mental state or actions. You do however have control over "Yourself" and how you choose to deal with his behaviour. Do you know the Sereniety Prayer? God grant me the sereniety to accept the things i cannot change courage to change the things I can and the wisdon to know the difference. Perhaps counceling could help you find the tools to begin to cope in a more positive way. This is a form of badgering. Do you have a Womans Strength orginazation near you? I'm not implying he is not a good husband etc. It sounds as though you are @ your wits end and sound desperate without choices. You do have choices. Therapy could help you discover different avenues of growing in your own srengths. Many times women think they must be the saviour of those they love, it is our nature as "caretakers". Remember that you only get one oppertunity one day @ a time to teach your children and create a healthy non toxic invironment for them. Start today and ask yourself what is best for you and your children and what is it you want for them today. What you do for today will influnence their lives one day @ a time, as patterns of behaviors and thought are formed. God bless you on your journey, God bless your children.I encourage you to go forward and not to stay stuck in the same pattern of this day. Sincerely, Mary'Lou

Lisa - posted on 01/28/2010

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Oh Savannah, I will pray for you and your family!



Life gets really tough when our husbands are struggling. I have learned a few things that may help:

You can't change him or solve his problem and it isn't your job to, so let the Holy Spirit take care of that. Your job is to be the wife God intended for you to be - just who you are -- he needs your positive attitude right how, even though he resists it. Whatever he's dealing with is obviously more than he knows how to handle....which means it must be important.



I'm a reader, so I have found these books REALLY helpful:

"The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Ormartian (Walmart, $10)

"Seven Things He'll Never Tell You (but you really need to know)" by Kevin Leman

"Learning to Live With the People You Love" by D. James Kennedy (Amazon? it's older)



You already know the best book -- God's Word is full of wisdom and encouragement. I hope you're clinging to Him and reading what He has to say. I love the Psalms because David doesn't hold anything back - a great example for us. Also, it's full of direction to us as wives and mothers......some of which feels counterintuitive, especially in the world in which we live.



When all I could muster was the feeble "God, I'm right and he's wrong. You can change my attitude, in fact I hope you will, but that's my starting point." God honored it. He really is big enough and powerful enough -- and this trial will serve to drive you closer to Him in ways you can't imagine. God promises us that "All things work together for good for those who love Him." Take Him at his word and prepare to be amazed.



Rremember that God loves your husband even more than you do -- more than you CAN. God WILL pursue him, even more fervently than you can. Rest in that, and let God's light continue to shine through you.



Your children will learn much from your handling of this situation. I'm pretty honest with my kids, and God is faithful to give me opportunites and words to say that allow me to address the situation without disparaging their dad. We thank God for Daddy's great job, that allows us to afford the things we need. When they ask why Dad doesn't go to church with us, I tell them I don't know, but we can ask God to help Dad want to go with us soon. When they ask why Daddy's grumpy I tell them I don't know but it's certainly not their fault - that sometimes Daddies have concerns we don't understand.



God knows you're not a quitter, Savannah.......and he's allowed you to be in a situation that requires that characteristic in you. May He continue to bless you as you follow Him, keeping your eyes on Him rather than 'the problem.' You are the light your husband needs to see. Your faithfulness to him and God really will make a difference in the lives of your entire household.



Are you able to spend any time with other Christian women during the week? That kind of recharging is important. If you're not involved in a Bible Study group, you might find a woman who is older than you, whose walk with Christ is evident, and ask her to pray and study God's word with you on some regular schedule. (Titus 2:3-4) Take good care of yourself so you can take good care of your sweet family, ok?!



Praying for you and hoping to hear back,

Lisa



Prov. 22:17-19 "Incline your ear and hear the words of the wise, and apply your heart to my knowledge; For it is a pleasant thing if you keep them within you; Let them all be fixed upon your lips, So that your trust may be in the Lord;"



Ps. 121:1-4 "I lift my eyes to the hills - Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, maker of heaven and earth. He will not allow your foot to be moved; He who keeps you will not slumber."



Prov. 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acnowledge him and he will make your paths straight."

Debbie - posted on 02/02/2010

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Sounds like he is seriously depressed. If he won't go to counseling or the doctor for meds, you need to seriously consider a separation. Continue your marriage relationship if possible, but he is in no shape to be around your kids or even you if he is acting in this emotionally and verbally abusive way. A pastor may be able to step in if you are uncomfortable with a counselor or doctor being involved initially.

Alana - posted on 10/21/2010

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Well, you're in a tough position. I've been going through this too - 16 years of marriage and a very negative husband. Depression is very likely and I would imagine a men's group through church could help him quite a bit.

There's a movie on DVD called "Fireproof" starring Kirk Cameron that is very good - it's based on Christian beliefs and he learns never to leave his partner behind (his wife).

If you want to make your marriage work, keep praying for your family, and do your best to support things that will help him - like the men's group, watching this movie, etc. There's also a book called the Five Love Languages. Read it and see if you can get your husband to understand the concept too. At some point, he's going to need to decide that despite how badly he feels, he doesn't want to lose you and the kids. It would be great if you are still around when that happens.

I can't express to you how hard I know this is - I'm still there, but things are getting better. I too am not a quitter. When it gets too tough, or when you just can't stand it, try taking a walk outside around the neighborhood to cool off, or take a trip to the grocery store. Keep trying to maintain your cool. The last thing your family needs is two hot-heads - one is plenty! Trust me, I know how hard this is - your situation sounds just like me - but we're just starting to turn the corner and I hope we keep moving in that direction. What did it for my husband (besides lots of patience on my hehalf, knowing when to shut my mouth and when to open it) was me telling him that I am by his side no matter how hard it gets - we are together forever. He started to turn around after that (and many difficult conversations and situations). That helped him appreciate how much I was giving of myself to hurt badly because if his issues, but to stick by him regardless so we can get through this together.

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Summer - posted on 02/03/2010

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Honestly sweetheart, all you can do is love him through this, tough as that may be...Sometimes are husbands have to hit rock bottom before they realize that they need to stop trying to figure everything out on their own and turn to God. Keep praying. Your prayers WILL make a difference! You just have to be strong and hang in there and be an example to your husband. When he starts in with the negativity, hold your ground and STAY POSITIVE. No matter what he says or does....And when you feel yourself getting weak, go to God about it. The strength you need is already within you. That is why God gave us the Holy Spirit. And that power will never leave us empty. And again, all I can really tell you is to just love him through this...love can move mountains girlie! It has changed mine and my husbands relationship so much!! Like a full 360!! He used to be so drab and boring and lifeless and now we have this fire in our relationship that I just can't explain... Hang in there.

Tina - posted on 02/03/2010

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love him more! I know that sounds like a silly thing to say but christ doesn't give up on us or run away from us when we are stiffling. He loves us more, until we come back to Him. I recently watched the movie FIREPROOF, which is christian based, it is wonderful for couples, or wives who want to improve therir marriages. You can order the LOVE DARE book that's in the movie.

I know how you feel. My husband leans toward negativity, I just know that some part of him is unsatisfied and I know it's his spiritual side. He is a good man but not as strong spritually as he wants to be, that leads to dissatisfaction in other areas of his life.

Don't push him, just love him more.

Maybe you can learn to turn your heart on more but close your ears a little?

Keep praying for strength and guidance. The Lord loves him even more than you do and will show you what to do. I will keep you guys in my prayers.

GET FIREPROOF AND THE LOVE DARE!!!

Rhonda - posted on 02/02/2010

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Oh my dear child I feel your pain as I went through the same thing for almost 14 years & I was at a total lost as to what I should do. His negativity tore me down mentally, emotionally and physically to the point that I was hospitalized several times. But, on the day I gave myself and my marital problems over to Jesus I became able to cope better with my husband's problems. You see he can't give you what wasn't given to him(per my mother) and it appears that he don't even like himself and that problem needs to be dealt with. My husband contained so much anger and any and everything would make him explode even the smalles situations. But, I never ceased praying and having faith that God could handle this much better than I could and I would pray and tell God, "This problem is much bigger than me and I don't know how to handle it Lord". I also with boldness and power demanded Satan to exit my life, my marriage, my home, my finances, my children, my everything...I told him he had no right to anything God have given me. And I also found myself at night when my husband was sleeping, I would place my body as close to him as possible and I would pray that he be delivered from all the negative forces that was controlling him. He soon joined church and over time he has become better and better and better and has even apologized for all the hurt and damage he has caused my life. At this time I couldn't ask for a better marriage partner...he just adores me!! Whatever you do sweetheart never cease praying and having faith because God has the power to show anyone He is God! There is also a book my physician bought and gave to me called Walking on Eggshells which is awesome and teaches how to cope with persons with what I call bipolar personalities because my husband would be laughing at 2:00 and at 2:09 he would be instantly angry about anything and at anyone. I'm going to keep you in my prayers and if you just believe in the Power of God it's going to get better. But, sometimes we have to handle things ourselves that is why we were blessed with a brain. So, I'll leave you with what my mom used to tell me about my first marriage....that statement was, "When you get tired you will know it and it is then when you will take the necessary steps to find your peace of mind". God bless you honey and good luck!!

Paula - posted on 02/02/2010

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I believe he is depressed. Go online and look up the symptoms of depression. Show him the list and tell him that depression is due to a chemical imbalance in his brain. Depression isn't someone's fault. I was diagnosed with clinical depression just a month ago. It was a shock to me! But now I see how negative and out of sync I was. It will be a long journey, but I want to get out of this myself. I wish I had found out sooner. It did take me a few days to process the information that I MIGHT have depression, even after looking at the list of symptoms. My husband found a Christian therapist for us to see. I also had to see a psychiatrist to get a prescription. It takes both in order to heal. The medicine helps with the chemical imbalance and the counseling helps with my thoughts.

Good luck!

Krista - posted on 02/01/2010

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Oh, my heart goes out to you, Savannah! I can't even begin to understand how you are feeling and the best advice I can give is to continue to pray for your husband, but also that God would change you. I've heard it many times, that when we ask God to change our hearts, our thoughts, our feelings, amazing things happen to us and to the other person. I will keep you in my prayers, too. Big huge hugs are sent your way.

Stella - posted on 02/01/2010

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Hi Savannah,
You have had a lot of support and advice here. I too have a fairly depressed husband who does not see the effect it has on us. Our eldest has Aspergers which is the milder form of Autism but has it's own set of difficulties. My husband is not saved so I cannot appeal to him in that way.
In addition to what everyone else has said I would contribute this. Take it all to God daily, telling Him that you don't know how to deal with this but you know He does. Build your relationship with Him, allowing Him to grow you. Then its easier to trust Him through the really rough time and to listen closely to what God tells you to do and how to do it. Only God knows what is really going on in your husband's life, his past and his mind now. God may ask you to do something fairly unusual. Some times it may be right to say something and not at others. Only God can tell you that. You can only be sensitive to the Holy Spirit's touch as you spend time with Him. Take care of yourself,physically, emotionally and spiritually, and do stuff which keeps you positive. Allow God to change you and mature you. Whenever I feel I've had enough and want to leave, I ask God, my Father to hold me and keep me from doing anything stupid. I look to Him to meet all my needs when my husband doesn't. I imagine that I'm being cuddled by my incredible Father when I go to bed at night. He even told me how to deal with sexual problems.
We've been married for over 20 years and I'm so glad we have not split, even though he is not a christian, and I love him more and more despite it all.
May God bless you and keep you.
Stella

Bryn - posted on 02/01/2010

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Go get the book power of a praying husband by Stormie O'Martian....it is helping me out...

Celicia - posted on 02/01/2010

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Savannah,
I am so sorry to hear the trials you are going through with your marriage. I understand how you feel, but for different reasons. My hubby has made mistakes in our marriage that brought me an idea to finally walk out. I just felt like he didn't love me enough and could never make me happy. He wasn't negative, but he had destroyed the trust in our marriage. I honestly had considered leaving, then God confronted me over and over again that I couldn't do that. I would push my hubby so much and we fought all the time. It has been a hard roller coaster for two years, now. Finally, God brought a new perspective into my life. He showed me that the reason why I was so unhappy had nothing to to with my husband, but with me. I understand your husband is very negative and you want to be positive, but God has a way of putting trials in our life to have us show faith. You may be at the end of your rope, but God isn't, I know that some people will tell you that you deserve better and that if he doesn't improve, you should leave. This is very false. God say to love your spouse as He loves you, unconditionally. Trust me, I understand this is hard. Since my husband broke the trust of our marriage I have noticed more and more faults in him. I was always disappointed in him and never felt loved enough by him.
Ironically, my hubby didn't know what to do anymore and decided to do the Love Dare. I decided to join him, I guess it was more out of bitterness to see how miserable he would fail. The first half of the Love Dare I was judging my husband and kept seeing how he wasn't putting in his full effort. Finally, I hit the halfway mark, and it knocked me out of my shoes, in a matter of speaking. I realized that my husband was being the way to me that I was being to God. I was choosing to give Him my attention when I wanted to and not put my relationship with Him first and foremost. You probably aren't being negative toward God, but if you aren't putting your relationship with Him as priority in life, then you will get to the end of your rope and feel like dropping off. God will NEVER let you fall. If you trust in Him, He will bring you through and then your love and desire for God can change the heart of your husband. If you recoil when your husband is negative, he will become even more negative. However, if you listen to him, love him no matter what, pray for him, and speak the words God provides for you, your husband will be changed. It may not happen immediately, but I can guarantee your husband is not too big of a project for God.
As I have posted in other blogs, I think every woman should read, "The Lies Women Believe: And the Truth That Sets Them Free," by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. She will never just tell you what you want to hear, but she will tell you what you NEED to hear. Everything she states is backed up Biblically and it will put things in a different perspective for you. Don't give up. It's hard and it's painful, but God loves you more than you could ever imagine. He will get the both of you through this and it will make your marriage so much stronger. Now that I look back on the errors of my husband in our marriage, I realize as much pain as it caused, I am so thankful it happened. If it hadn't I wouldn't love my husband the way I do and I probably would have never turned my life back to Christ. So, dive into the Word on a daily basis, pray several times a day, and put God first. Put your husband in His hands and allow God to take control. Remember, every time you take back control, it will cause more obstacles to appear. I will be praying earnestly for you. I know that heartache can cause us to do irrational things. Not only that, I know there are too many people in this world that will lead you astray and tell you that you deserve better. We are all sinners, so we deserve nothing, but the world has the "me" complex. However, God gives us so much because He loves us and forgives us.

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Savannah...I understand EXACTLY what you mean. I love my husband DEARLY...and he is a wonderful man...and a great provider. But he nags the HECK out of us all. He just won't quit. He can drag a dead dog for YEARS!

And unfortunately...he doesn't really know how to let children be "children"...and makes a HUGE deal over absolutely NOTHING. When he comes home from work...sometimes you can just feel the difference in the hse. The home is light and friendly...and the kids are relaxed when I'm here. We get things done in a (most of the time) calm manner. Then he walks in the room. Can't even say hello. He just sees EVERYTHING that's wrong. So emotionally draining...and tiresome. So I feel you.

Praise GOD he works at night. It gives us all a BREAK from one another. And allows us all to breathe. Believe it or not...he has actually gotten better. I pray for him...and MY understanding OF him. God created my husband...and even the "not so wonderful" things that I may not like...they are still a part of his "overall" wonderful make-up. I try to focus on that, and I try to give him his space. Some times...I have to leave the room to do that, so that we're not arguing over incredibly stupid stuff.

I also try to take time to hug him, and let him know all that he does is not unnoticed. That's he appreciated, and I love him. The next time your husband starts being negative, try kissing him on the cheek and saying I love you. Then walk away. It will give you time to breathe...and him time to readjust. That has stopped a lot of unnecessary issues around here.

Shelley

Paulette R - posted on 02/01/2010

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Hi
Sometimes our men are hurting and do not know how to throw it off.
His age may be a factor ,Men have what we call the Gray Itch ,Menopause.
Women have Menopause and want to hit the roof .
So what do you do win him with just listen ,it could be that he hit the walls or other crazy things .
Savanna think positive ,think what has set him off to complaint so much .
Win him by being quiet when he does this or say honey what has you stressed ,can I help ,make sure you have a nightie on.
Paulette

Roby - posted on 02/01/2010

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just start praying for him, let God work in his life, we can't change our men, but God can, good luck

Michelle - posted on 02/01/2010

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I say you give him an ulitmatum. You only live once & you shouldn't be miserable. Your children don't deserve to be raised in that atmosphere either. The ultimatum should be, "you & I are going to get marriage counseling & individual therapy or I am leaving!" I know that sounds harsh, but he needs to talk about whatever the issues are that are keeping him from being happy or enjoying ANYTHING! You are going to have to be prepared to take action however. If he wont go, then you wont go on living that way! No discussion about it. It is selfish on his part! In the meantime, you can take your child(ren) out to do things, park, movies, ice cream, fun things & just be positive for them! :-) Pray about it too...God will help if you ask!

Suzanne - posted on 01/31/2010

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YES MY HUSBAND IS ON THAT SCALE TOO. @ times i feel just like walking out the door. but i have to believe that God will change him, @ times i DO TELL him that if he CAN;T say anything good THEN be quite, its like gossip, we don't think we are doing anything wrong, by listening to it, but we are, its the same way with our husbands... he ALLOWS satan to come in and ROB the joy that is in his life.
you my not be able to tell him to be quite, but if you don't EXPRESS that his negitve attiute is killing you, then you might "blow up". people let us down all the time. so trust in god that HE wil change his heart, and pray for the "mind of christ" over him EVERYDAY... THE LORD wants YOU to stand in the gap for your husband, i totally know how you feel, but if i'm not obeying GOD by praying in my husband and child to walk in the "light' and mind of GOD... then nothing will change. seek gods heart for your husband. ask GOD for strengh for u. and be HONEST WITH YOUR HUBANDS... HE MAY DENY THAT HE ISN'T THAT WAY... SO BE PREPARED... CONTINUE TO PRAY FOR YOUR HUBBY. PRAY OVER HIM THE FRUITS OF THE SPIRIT AND AGAIN THE MIND OF CHRIST... GOOD LUCK... you will see the change.

JoNell - posted on 01/31/2010

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some times men just need a extra dose of appreciation, I know that probably doesn't make sense to you, but guys need to feel appreciated and to feel that extra special love. Thry live to make us happy and to provide for us and our family and somtimes they just feel under appreciated and they don't even know it. Sounds like you need some one on one with your husband, maybe a date night with no kids and you thank him for all the hard work he does for you and your kids, love on him and make him feel like he is the most important person to you. I'm sure your saying I don't know how to do this but you have to be sincere! It has taken me along time to learn this, but once I did, it has made a big difference in our marriage and his attitude. And if you can thing of postive things to say to your husband to build him up it will make such a difference. And you nmay have to do this more than once, but you will begin to recongize when he rally needs this. I would love to know how this tip works out for you if you choose to do it. And also pray for you husband and for your self on how you can do this and be sincere. God bless you

Marilyn Regina - posted on 01/31/2010

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HI SAVANNAH, HAVE YOU HEARD OF A BOOK CALL A WIFE AFTER GOD'S OWN HEART ITS BY ELIZABETH GEORGE I'M READING IT ALSO, WE HAVE TO LET GOD FIX US INTO THE WIFE HE WANTS US TO BE SO WE CAN UNDERSTAND SOME THINGS THAT GOES ON IN OUR MARRIAGE THAT WE AS WIVES NEED FIXING IN OURSELF, LET GO AND LET GOD FIX IT. YOU JUST LIVE YOUR LIFE HOLY TO GOD,AND PRAY FOR YOUR HUSBAND THAT GOD WILL GIVE HIM WHAT HE NEEDS ONLY HE CAN. I KNOW FOR MY OWN SELF, JUST KNOW THAT GOD LOVES YOU AND YOUR FAMILY AND IF HE CAN'T FIX NO ONE CAN! TRUST GOD , I PRAY THAT HIS WORDS WILL COMFORT YOU AND YOUR FAMILY DON'T GIVE UP HANG IN THERE THIS TO SHALL PASS . THANK GOD TROUBLE DON'T LAST ALL WAYS WEEPING MAY ENDURE FOR A NIGHT BUT TRUST GOD JOY WILL COME IN THE MORNING! JUST REMEMBER YOU'LL NOT ALONE! LOOK HOW MANY PEOPLE CARE FOR YOU ALREADY I'M ONE OF THEM BE BLESS!

Anne - posted on 01/30/2010

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Savannah, My heart goes out to you. I have missed you on Christian Mommies for the last few months. Savannah I also have have had problems with clinical depression. Now I am NOT a Health Care Professional, and can only speak from my own experiences. I have to agree with the other ladies that have mentioned that they thought your husband may be dealing with depression. One thing I do know from things I have learned from being married 30 years, and from things I have learned, men are very effected by word pictures. Statements or stories that they read that allows them to relate it to something important to them. ONe time when my husband and I were have problems I told him I felt like an old pair of golf shoes that he only wore when he was playing golf on a very wet golf course. The rest of the time I sat in the bottom of his golf bag. Although he he said he did not think it was necessary to talk in riddles, I knew he was effected by what I said because he did start to change. I am not going to tell you it was an over night change, because it was not. It took a long time for the two of us to become the spouses God wanted us to be. It took both of us deciding that we were going to love each other every day, and that we were going to Love God More Than Each Other. That and Prayer, made all of the difference. Every day we wake up and make the same two decisions.



Savannah I will be keeping you in my Prayers. If you can get a copy of a "The Power of a Praying Wife" I know you would benefit from the book.



One more thing, have you thought about writing your husband a letter explaining how his moods effect you? By Writing the Letter you can reread it before you give it to him to make sure the words you use are honest but loving.

Carol - posted on 01/30/2010

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Savannah, you will have my prayers also. The mind is the devils playground & if he can get in with guilt, blame, shame, unforgiveness, the voice of accusation whatever, it all leads to mental oppression, sometimes we forget the thing that triggered the emotion that we're feeling. Most of us are living from a life filled with brokeness & woundedness that gets passed down through our D.N.A. & we don't even know it. God showed me that my heart was like a puzzle & everytime my heart got hurt a piece of my heart would get chipped & fragmented causing gaps in my puzzle. He took me on a journey that caused me to be willing to become transparent before Him, He had to pull the layers of oppression & depression off one at a time & replace them with identity. My heart had been hurt so many times that I was living out of my emotions the wrong emotions. I grew up with dysfunction all around me, which caused me to have a warped sense of love I never got nutured as a child. I had a misconception of what true life was supposed to look like. So my heart had become black & hard & I couldn't let happiness in because it was foreign to me I couldn't let true unconditional raw God kind of love in either. So right now I speak to the very atmosphere of your home & marriage I say be transformed no more darkness,or negativity & I pray Father God that through the Blood of Jesus & by the power of the Holy Spirit that there be Your salt & light penetrating the negativity for a heart change, the soil of the heart will become soft to germinate the seed of God's grace the heart will be softened to receive the absolute truth of God's word so the mind will be changed to come into alignment with God's will that says who Savannah's husband was created to be. I pray that he will know his identity & self worth & true unconditional raw God kind of love. That he will have a deaf ear to the enemy,but will hear the Father's voice with clarity.He will hear the call to come out of the negativity, & step into his God willed destiny. And I pray that your marriage will be strengthend & that you will hear the voice of wisdom Savannah on how to pray for your husband & your situation.I pray for that perfect peace that passes all understanding. And I say no weapon formed against you or your household will prosper.I bless you both as a couple to become a strong ministry team & to help others who are going through similar circumstances. IN THE ALL POWERFULL AND MIGHTY NAME OF JESUS! Amen

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Your heart is so heavy and now my heart is for you also. I will pray for you too! I wonder if he blames God for your son's autism and hasn't told anyone or even talked to God about it??? To me, he sounds depressed- maybe it's b/c of the autism your son has or maybe he had it before and it's just worse now??? Often when people are depressed they don't even realize it and they don't realize they are depressing those around them. I would say seek pastoral and medical intervention. Starting with regular prayer, if you haven't already. "Be in every corner and every crevice of our home Lord, where there is darkness, fill it with Your light..." Remember Phil. 4:13- He will hold you in this storm!

Tah - posted on 01/30/2010

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well you can show him this letter..im sure he doesnt truly understand what it does to you..you and the children can start counseling without him and tell him why, i feel your negativity is making me into someone i don't want to be and i dont want to block our blessings...most important put him on the altar of prayer, we cant change people, God can...praying for you....

Vicki - posted on 01/30/2010

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Savannah, your feeling of overwhelming suffering has touched my heart deeply. I can compassionately empathize with you. My husband suffers with longterm depression as well, and I understand feeling the air being sucked out of the room.

Your story inspired me to refer to God's word in the book of Job. Pain can help us grow. Trusting in God during the difficult times tests us to our limits and exercises our faith. In our struggles we need to trust that God is in control and that he will take care of us (Romans 8:28). God does watch over everything that happens to us. He sees us with compassion. His eyes are eyes of love.

I pray you will find comfort in knowing your are not alone. I pray this struggle will be a path for you to come to know God's love and compassion and words of encouragement and wisdom. I pray that this path will lead you to recognize Him as the center of your life, a life with hope to live an eternal life full of tenderness and mercy.

Carol - posted on 01/30/2010

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Although my husband wasn't negative all the time and never called the kids words we would not let the kids use. I do understand what you are going through. For many years I blamed my husband for EVERYTHING. I kept praying to God to change him. Lord, he did it again change him.
Then one day I was reading a book. It was either "How to be a Godly Wife" or "Prayers of a Godly Wife" one is by Elizabeth George. Anyway, what it said was God will change the person who is coming to him with the problem first.
So, although you want to and may have reason to blame your husband for what is happening. Since your the one who wants to change the situation God will work with you and in you first.
You can and will justify that it is him and not you. I did. I did it all the time. Yet God kept telling me again and again that he would change me. My outlook, the way I responded to him, the way I took what he said. Sometimes I had to ask him to explain his answer because his tone of voice sounded angry. I began to pray for him, me and us. It took awhile (over a year), but I have since learned how to communicate with him about our children, things I want done (projects) and other things we need to talk about to keep our house running smooth.
Another thing I did was start standing behind him when he made a decision toward the children whether I agreed or not. Then if I disagreed with what he said we would talk about it later at bedtime.
God knows your heart and your desire for you, your husband and your family. Be prepared that he might start on you before he starts on him.
One thing have you ever asked him what is wrong? See what his answer is because he may not even be aware of what he is doing or that is attitude is so negative.
Please don't let him cuss at the kids that is not goog for their self-esteem.
God will work in him, he's a restorer, and he knows what your going through. He will work in both of you but you may not see it in him right away. Just keep trusting.
Your Friend in Christ
Carol

Rose - posted on 01/30/2010

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Hi Savannah, It sounds to me like your husband is suffering from depression, that would affect the whole house and it will certainly impact on your and your children. My advice would be to get him to see a doctor and be assessed for it. I know antidepressants get a bad press sometimes but they really can be very effective and helpful in dealing with depression. I agree with Heather Hart in that it would probably not help for you to split from him as that would only add to both of your problems and confirm all his negative beliefs. Having said that, it sounds like you do need a bit of time to yourself to gather your thoughts and take a breather. If you could assign yourself pockets of time during the day to have a walk, read, swim or do whatever you feel like doing just for yourself it would recharge your batteries for you. I wish you the best, God bless.
Rose

Heather - posted on 01/29/2010

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I would actually caution against time apart in this situation. I shared in another post that I took this approach in my first marriage and it made it worse. Plus the problem is that he is negative, I have a big feeling that he would look at that negatively too, and that suggesting it will probably bring more tears then where you are at now. Please note that I am not putting down those who have had it work, or the suggestion. I just don't think that in this situation it is a good idea. Just my two cents. You know your husband better then any of us, and you know how he would react more then I could ever speculate. Pray, pray, and pray some more before you decide what is right for you. I will hold you in my prayers as well.

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Hi Savannah,
Wow, you expressed the heaviness in your heart in a way that struck my heart immediately. I love the responses above that you've already received from your other sisters-in-Christ. If I were you, I would put their advice to work in my life right away.
I wanted to respond to you with a different angle as well. I hope this doesn't sound awkward to you, since we don't know one another and I don't know what your marriage ideals are. Having said that, there are times when a person feels like s/he has run out of rope, and some time and space (in addition to prayer, of course) can really help get one's self back on track.
I've been in a very unhappy place with my husband for a long period of time. I tried talking with him, I tried ignoring it, I tried prayer and support, I tried to get him into counseling, I tried alot of things that left me wondering what to do. Like the women above already said, God was right there for me when I felt like I had hit bottom. This happened during a 2 week separation from my husband. I was amazed and awestruck at the powerful rejuvenation the Lord provided.
If you haven't already talked with your husband about some time apart, and if you are considering it, I would suggest pre-arranging where you will go and for how long, then tell him your plan and discuss calmly and lovingly and in as much detail as possible your reasoning for it. I hope it doesn't sound like I'm saying you should abandon him because that's not my intention. Instead, some time out for you to focus on just you may truly enhance your perspective. And, possibly his as well.
I will pray for you and your family.
Take care.

Heather - posted on 01/29/2010

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I feel your pain! I use to be there. Like you I have always been a positive person, but my husband has not always been. Like your husband, he went to church with me and prayed, and said that he was a Christian. To keep myself positive in light of his attitude and our new born twins I posted Scriptures around the house. I wrote them on note cards and taped them everywhere! Scriptures of encouragement and ones that helped me when I was stressed. At first he was negative about it and said that I had gone over board, but he did not make me take them down and I just told him that they helped me. Within a few weeks he started commenting on them. He would say something like, I forgot about this Scripture. I really need to work on that. And now (2 years later) he is a much more positive person. He still thinks a little negative, but nothing like it was. It took lots of prayer, and then God used something that was intended for me to work in my husband.

Now I know that not everyone responds the same, but the bottom line was that even if my husband had not responded to the Scriptures, they helped me to deal with his negativity. I will pray for your family.

Amy - posted on 01/29/2010

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Hi Savannah,
I will pray for you. I love my husband dearly with all my heart but have some of the same things. IMy husband had a rough life and I did too but not as bad as him. He rehashes what happened to him over and over again. I can not control him nor what happened to him. We have been married for 11 years going on 12 years in August. We have a good marriage. I will send you a pm. I do go to church and am in a bible study and really enjoy it. God bless you. You are not alone.

Savannah - posted on 01/28/2010

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Thank you Lisa. You have given me some very good advice and made me feel a lot better. We are not yet a part of a bible study group but I will definitely make more of an effort to pursue one. Thank you very much for talking to me. :)

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