My husband was looking at porn on my computer!

Erinn - posted on 07/11/2009 ( 26 moms have responded )

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I turned my laptop on this morning and a bunch of porn popped up all over... it made me feel sooo hurt!! How would you feel??

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Jessie - posted on 07/15/2009

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Many, many married Christian men struggle with this, I know my husband has. The best thing you can do is know that your husband does love you and that he is a sinner, same as he was the day you married him. You cannot expect your husband to love you perfectly and unconditionally, only God can do that. But you choose to love your husband despite his weaknesses and you be his help meet when he struggles. Satan wants to use this to hurt you and plant seeds of bitterness in your heart but don't let him! Stand by your husband with love and patience. Your husband will always let you down, and loving him in a Godly way means loving despite that. Put your trust completely in God and situations like this will become easier because you can deal with them with Godly grace and strength without stupid emotions and lies from Satan. Pray for your husband often and with him often. You and your husband are one, and when Satan attacks he attacks both. So fight him and fight sin together without becoming bitter and accusing eachother. Don't let the enemy divide you!

[deleted account]

Quoting Kea:

well, i hate to be the black sheep... but i would say, that it's natural. and most guys do look at porn. And i would rather have my husband looking at porn than cheating on me. i guess if it really bothers you that much though. Confront him and talk about it. Men have fantasies and sometimes their going to act on those fantasies. It's better to act on them in front of a computer then with another woman. I'd rather have him tell you the truth though and tell you that it's natural. Then to have him watching it behind your back and trying to hide it again. I believe honesty is the key to a healthy relationship.



I would have to lovingly disagree with the concept that because most guys look at porn, it's ok to brush it off. Lust is lust, and it is ALWAYS wrong in God's eyes. Secret sin is STILL sin, and it's not somehow better than public sin. Also, God offers victory to ANY man who really seeks it. My husband is totally honest with me about his struggles, which, to tell you the truth are very minimal because he has consistently given his mind to God since he was young. Practice like that pays off! And it is possible for men to be pure! It's wrong of us to assume they're animals who can't control themselves. Communication is HUGE in this area. Keep current with your husband! Ask lots of questions (if he's open to discuss it...but don't nag:) like "what types of temptation are hardest for you to resist?" Or "What can I do to help you remain pure?" Keep a short account, and try HARD to be the kind of wife he will WANT to talk to about his struggles! Although it's a very emotional issue, try not to burn bridges! God bless your marriage!! I know He can keep you together through anything if you're committed to HIM!!

Rebekah - posted on 07/11/2009

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How would I feel? Well, honestly the type of person that I am, I would wonder what the girls on the computer have that I didn't and then I'd be on my knees praying and asking God if I haven't submitted to the Word of God and fulfilling my husband's need. And yes, that is how I would respond - because I've been there.

The first 5 years of my marriage were the hardest and my husband and I came so close to divorce, but I wouldn't follow through on the threat because I knew in my heart I was supposed to be in this marriage. So, we sought out counseling and come to find out there were things I needed to work on, just as much as he did.

But before you accuse your husband, I would approach the subject lightly and make sure that positively he was looking at porn - it is easy to type in a website wrong and those sites pop up or think you are going to a site and it turns out to be something else, and once on those sites all it does pop up more and more and more. So, personally, I would approach the subject as, hey hun, I turned on my laptop and a bunch of porn sites popped up - did you happen to stumble across the wrong sites by accident? You'd be shocked how this opens a doorway to the truth more than accusation.

Victoria - posted on 09/01/2010

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It's hard, it's a battle he's doing with lust. It's NOT you, it's an attack by satan at your hubby and at your marriage. We fight NOT against flesh & blood (as scripture tells), but that doesn't mean the fight won't effect the flesh.

Pray, pray, pray. Talk about the issue, calmly & DON'T let satan get a foothold. Go to see a counsellor together if you have to.

Stephanie - posted on 08/31/2010

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i hope that You find some comfort in what everyone has said and always take advise with a grain of salt.

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26 Comments

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Merry - posted on 09/02/2010

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My friend overreacted once about her husband looking at porn. She saw he was doing that so she retaliated by sleeping with another man. She said he cheated on her so she cheated right back. Now we all see the error in this, but I also beg to differ that porn is equivilent of cheating. Especially in my case as my husband and I were virgins the first time we had sex, so actually having sex with someone else would be much bigger a problem then porn to us. But I still am offended if I see porn on his computer, its not often and usually its on days where he has let his friend use his computer and didnt check to see what he did on it. I have to say that I dont have a problem with him 'relieving' himself anytime he wants because he obviously has higher sexual needs then me. But I do tell him not to use visual stimulatioin, unless he has a photo of me :) So I guess this isnt really advise, just what comes to my mind about the topic, but I thought Id share anyways. I hope it is going better, let us know if you have come to any conclusion.

Irina - posted on 09/01/2010

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I caught my husband once looking at porn, but it was after an argument that we had and I had gone to sleep and he stayed up. When I woke up and walked in on him and he was very ashamed. He shut it off fast! Next morning he didn't say anything. I didn't either as I wasn't ready to speak calmly. I was upset and also felt betrayed. I prayed and asked for forgiveness from God of my sins and asked that we could have trusting relationship. I believe that he never again looked at it. Later when we were both ready to talk. He told me that he was looking at it for no reason really, it was because he was really upset with me. "Don't let the sun set if you haven't forgiven each other and are at peace with one another". Sometimes women are the cause of their husband's looking at porn and sometimes not. And you are the only one who knows what's going on in the relationship. Communicating is the key. My husband has a hard time understanding my emotional needs and sometimes his demands are too much and I have to talk to him through it when it's a good time to have a conversation with out distractions.
God bless you and give you wisdom to deal with this on the top of other difficulties that are happening.

Crystal - posted on 09/01/2010

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First off, yes I would be very hurt because do try my best to fulfill every need my husband has. I would wonder what this women had that I didn't except fro no self respect. I also can't figure out why he left it there for you to see. maybe he thought you would take hints as to what some of those ladies where doing? Maybe he felt guilty and wanted you to find out so he could lose the guilt? I am not sure but I would ask questions. I know a woman who was married to man who watch porn all the time. She felt like she was nothing to him. He would watch it and then expect her to take care of his needs that other women off the tv caused. They are now divorced and he has been arrested at least 2 times I know of for sexual assult to a pregnant woman, and one sexual assult to a minor girl. Ask questions. This may have been his first time looking at it and felt guilty and wanted you to know so it would be ou tin the air. Maybe he has a problem. Ask questions. Good luck!

Jennifer - posted on 09/01/2010

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I wouldnt be upset, I would just be wondering why. Does he want to try something new? I wouldnt look at myself differently, like its my fault. But if you truly are hurt and upset about it, I would tell him, lets have a movie night and rent Fireproof and talk to him about it.

Debbie - posted on 08/31/2010

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Caught my husband 2 weeks ago. Again this weekend. Am making him do a quarter a look to start and use the money to buy me flowers. If I get a big bouquet, he's in big trouble. Told him he has 30 days to decide what he's going to commit to.

Dorothy - posted on 07/17/2009

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time to have the tough conversation. when the kids are not there and it is time that is set aside for that type of conversation. I would be hurt and angry but, still have to deal with the issues on the table. Maybe even Counsling it helps

Sheila - posted on 07/17/2009

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(if you havent yet) I would confront him, not harshly, but explain that this hurts to see that this is where he has been on th computer...make sure that he actually was looking at it or whether or not it was a pop-up advertising to seduce you into looking...you can see what actual sites he has been on by viewing the history on your computer, it will show you day and time also. next install a virus/pop-up blocker on your computer to keep that from happening.

I am speaking from my heart that this is a personal experience with me and my ex husband and if he is truly invovled it is like a drop of poision that contiues to seep into the hearts of many...Pray for protection from the sexual bondage, and be real and honest with your husband!! Seek council and accountabilty from others who have been there!

[deleted account]

Been there, still fight it, and pray over it. We both have issues, like Rebekka said, that cause us to do things that hurt the other. Intentionally or not.



We use x3watch from xxxchurch.com and an outside accountability partner. It wasn't good enough for just me to be his accountability partner. There is a gentleman at church who is his partner. I also use my google account to see the sites that have been visited. This gives more of an idea of exactly what happened. Times show if it was a purpose site or a pop up. It also shows what he did with the site. This leaves nothing to wonder. I know for sure if he sought out a site and what he did with it. Or if it popped up because of something I did.



Pray continually for him, strength, and wisdom to turn to the Lord. Pray continually for yourself, for wisdom to see the truth, strength to endure, and an open mind. Pray every breathe for your marriage to strengthen because of this trial. You really can learn more about each other with these trials. It hurts and almost cost us our marriage, but we understand each other more now and are just as strong as when we were dating.

Janel - posted on 07/16/2009

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I went through the same senerio. My husband had started looking at porn on the internet around the year 1999. I was very devestated. He would get up all hours of the night just to look at it. I would wake up and he would not be in the bead at 3am in the morning. I did not really realize until about 2001 that he was looking at it. We kept getting pop ups on our computer asking to look at porn sites. I questioned him about why they were popping up. He replied, "Oh, that happens, pop-ups just happen". Of course, at that time, I did not know anything about pop-ups. I started suspecting that he was looking at porn. I asked a friend how I could check the computer to see if my suspicions were correct. She showed me how to read the history of sites visited. When I did check, I was blown away! I became angry, and cried. My husband and I consider ourselves to be christians. I never thought that my christian husband would look at something like porn. Especially since I believe it is a form of cheating. I started not to trust him. I did not want to have sex with him. I would lay there in bed thinking, "So, is he really making love to me, or to some woman he saw on the internet." I felt ugly and that I was not good enough for him. Eventually I confronted him and told him that if he did not get help, I could no longer be with him. I could not live this way. We went to counseling for about 1 year and he became involved with a men's accountability group at church. It really helped him and saved our marriage. It did, however, take me a long time to forgive and trust him. If you suspect your husband is looking at porn, you need to confront him and tell him how you feel about it. If this is someting that is hurtung you, you need to deal with it now before it tears you and him apart.

Shelli - posted on 07/16/2009

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Been there! You feel hurt and angry. The first step is to realize that it has NOTHING to do with you, how you fulfill his needs, etc. It is natural for men to be visually stimulated. After you are able to compose yourself. Speak to him candidly about what you saw on the computer. He will appreciate not having to keep it a secret from you and can have you help him with accountability. The Men's Ministry at our church is helpful in providing accountability also, since they fight the same battles. See if there is one near you that he can attend.

Katie - posted on 07/15/2009

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Hi Erinn,

You're completely within your rights to feel hurt. I know I would. And your hubby needs to know how it makes you feel. It's something my husband and I talked about early in our marriage because he had trouble with it in his past.

Here's one thought your other posters haven't given. My husband has told me that pornography is one of the biggest struggles men face. I agree that prayer is important, but breaking out of sinful behavior is hard to do alone, especially in the wee small hours of the morning when no people are around to watch what happens on the computer. Is your hubby in a men's group at your church or does he have an accountability partner (not you, a male mentor or peer with a solid walk)? Those would be invaluable to him in fighting through the temptation. Right now the men's group my husband belongs to is working through a book titles "Every Man's Battle" that addresses exactly that topic.

Best wishes!

Trisha - posted on 07/15/2009

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I totally agree with Amy--Sin is Sin. Lust is a sin! It is NEVER okay! God can deliver anyone from their sins---IF (and I mean IF) they want to be delivered. God's word is true! 1 John 1:9 says, "If we CONFESS our sins, He is FAITHFUL and just to FORGIVE us our sins, and to cleanse us from ALL unrighteousness."



Allowing your husband to continue in his sin is wrong. That would make you an enabler. He MUST be confronted, but only after seeking God first and allowing Him to direct you to the best timing and allowing Him to fill you with His words. I know it hurts! As I said in my last post--I at first blamed myself--but it is NOT you--it IS Satan trying to destroy your family! DO NOT allow Satan to continue to rule your home, computer, tv, thoughts! Pray over your home! Ask God to bathe your home with HIS spirit! If your husband is a Christian--at some point He will be convicted of his sin! But you cannot and must not allow it to continue. PRAY! PRAY! PRAY!! then when you know the timing is right and you are filled with the Spirit--talk to your husband!



Remember--for the sake of your family--DO NOT ALLOW SATAN TO RULE YOUR HOME! Seek wise council, ask your pastor to pray with you and for you, find a trusted friend to pray with about this (someone that will NOT repeat what you say-but will listen and pray for you and your husband) and TRUST God and his word.



I have been where you are walking right now and again I say--get BeSecure blocker from American Family Association and have it installed. Then you and 1 other trusted person should be the only ones who know the security code!



Love you in the Lord and I will continue to lift you and you family up! God is good--ALL the time!

Annamaria - posted on 07/15/2009

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Good Day moms, You pray for your man! Then you comfront him and let him know that his act will/not could/will cause a virous to the computer that will crash the system. This act will also cause him to stray away from the marriage even more. And then ask him the question (?) Do you not love me anymore, am I not good enough for him. To put the shoe on the other foot! I have been there. With the strength of GOD, he will be convicted. If you go to church, have him see the pastor. More convition.

I pray for everyone one you! I love you my sisters!

[deleted account]

Quoting Rebekah:

How would I feel? Well, honestly the type of person that I am, I would wonder what the girls on the computer have that I didn't and then I'd be on my knees praying and asking God if I haven't submitted to the Word of God and fulfilling my husband's need. And yes, that is how I would respond - because I've been there.

The first 5 years of my marriage were the hardest and my husband and I came so close to divorce, but I wouldn't follow through on the threat because I knew in my heart I was supposed to be in this marriage. So, we sought out counseling and come to find out there were things I needed to work on, just as much as he did.

But before you accuse your husband, I would approach the subject lightly and make sure that positively he was looking at porn - it is easy to type in a website wrong and those sites pop up or think you are going to a site and it turns out to be something else, and once on those sites all it does pop up more and more and more. So, personally, I would approach the subject as, hey hun, I turned on my laptop and a bunch of porn sites popped up - did you happen to stumble across the wrong sites by accident? You'd be shocked how this opens a doorway to the truth more than accusation.



I completely agree with this. I once caught my husband at it, it was in the history bar though, it wasn't through pop-ups. So I would first ask about it, start it lightly, sort of "You wouldn't believe what came up on the computer today!" type thing. And start praying now for a clear mind and an open heart, with the idea that you want to work on your marriage, even if it's true. It hurts so bad, I shouted and screamed at my husband for 2 hours straight, but in the end that didn't do anything good for us. It was when I came to the idea that it was a temptation and a struggle for him, and that I needed to be his champion and do what I could to help him conquer his temptations that we hit a great turning point in our marriage and I no longer worry that he'll be messing around. And he was horribly ashamed to tell me, he was mortified to ask for him, so I encouraged him and helped him, he asked our pastor for help, and didn't go on the defensive again. It was no longer blamed on me for not giving him his needs (which I wasn't, who is up for it with 3 kids under 3? :P), he no longer lashed out from guilt and shame, and we worked on it together. So prayer, clear mind, and open heart!

JAWANDA - posted on 07/14/2009

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well what you can do is everynight you and your husband sit down and studey the word together on you all down time. let God convict him not you. because you could be wrong. but if you are right let God convict him. its nothing that you did wrong, but you pray for the strength from God and patience from God to get through this. im sure most women have went through it you are not alone

Kea - posted on 07/14/2009

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well, i hate to be the black sheep... but i would say, that it's natural. and most guys do look at porn. And i would rather have my husband looking at porn than cheating on me. i guess if it really bothers you that much though. Confront him and talk about it. Men have fantasies and sometimes their going to act on those fantasies. It's better to act on them in front of a computer then with another woman. I'd rather have him tell you the truth though and tell you that it's natural. Then to have him watching it behind your back and trying to hide it again. I believe honesty is the key to a healthy relationship.

Trisha - posted on 07/14/2009

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Erinn,



I am new to this community of Christian mommies, but my advice to you would be to contact American Family Association and have their security system installed. It is called BeSecure. I am not sure of the cost as my husband had it installed (I think it is a yearly fee, maybe a one time fee), My husband knows how the internet has brought the Spirit of Lust directly into so many homes and he knows how men struggle with this so he decided to have this installed. I and my daughter are the only ones that know the security code IF for any reason it needs to be turned off.



Please know that it is NOT you or your fault. Satan is out to destroy families and he knows that men and lust often go hand-in-hand, so he will work through our weaknesses everytime. Having faced this problem myself, I at first blamed myself, but a trusted former pastor assured me that it is wide spread even among decons, pastors, and Godly men. Of course that is no excuse, but just the truth. His council to me was to confront the issue (after much prayer), seek council for you and your husband, surround yourselves with Godly influences, monitor even what you watch on tv (often those sexy images on some movies, etc. trigger the need to view more). I know that even commercials are X-rated, but do what you can to keep those images out of your husband's mind. Pray that God will help you be ALL that you need to be for your husband. I see the picture of the 2 precious children, I assume they are yours. I know as a mommy we are tired at the end of a day, but pray for strength to meet all the needs of your husband (physical, emotional, and spiritual help).



I will be praying for you!

[deleted account]

Quoting Rebekah:

How would I feel? Well, honestly the type of person that I am, I would wonder what the girls on the computer have that I didn't and then I'd be on my knees praying and asking God if I haven't submitted to the Word of God and fulfilling my husband's need. And yes, that is how I would respond - because I've been there.

The first 5 years of my marriage were the hardest and my husband and I came so close to divorce, but I wouldn't follow through on the threat because I knew in my heart I was supposed to be in this marriage. So, we sought out counseling and come to find out there were things I needed to work on, just as much as he did.

But before you accuse your husband, I would approach the subject lightly and make sure that positively he was looking at porn - it is easy to type in a website wrong and those sites pop up or think you are going to a site and it turns out to be something else, and once on those sites all it does pop up more and more and more. So, personally, I would approach the subject as, hey hun, I turned on my laptop and a bunch of porn sites popped up - did you happen to stumble across the wrong sites by accident? You'd be shocked how this opens a doorway to the truth more than accusation.


Very well said. I went through the same thing once.

Heather - posted on 07/12/2009

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There are two ways to look at this, one he is guilty, and two he's not.

Lets look at the facts, if it was him, why would he leave it there for you to see? If you found it in the history that's one thing, but if it just popped up it could have been innocent on his part. He might have went to a sight that had a pop up of it, or he might have downloaded something with it attached. That is honestly possible. Do you really think that your husband is into that stuff? If it is out of character for him I would assume that it was a mistake.

Why don't you pray about it and ask God for discernment and guidance. Then sit down with your husband and talk with him. Let him know how this makes you feel. Is your husband a Christian? Maybe you could get him to talk to your pastor if this really is something that he has a problem with. How long have you been married, is this a new thing? Maybe you could watch the movie fireproof together. But it really is possible that it wasn't him.

There also could be the possibility that someone else was on your computer. We had a roommate once that couldn't look at porn on his wifes computer so he used ours. Just a thought.

Anne - posted on 07/11/2009

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Erinn, I know with everything else you are going through right now with the health of your daughter, this has the ability to derail your marriage. My first reaction would be to be really mad and hurt. However I have noticed over the months I have been a part of Christian Mommies, that Rebekah has given many words of good advice. I will be Praying that you are willing and able to follow her advice.
Keeping you in my Prayers,
Anne
P.S. How is your daughter doing,I have been Praying for you and your family.

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