My marriage is over!

Kim - posted on 12/06/2010 ( 20 moms have responded )

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Hi Ladies,

I just joined this community after reading several posts and being encourage and uplifted by
them. I need some christian advice. I have been married to my husband for 20 years. We have four children, the oldest boy is 18 and the youngest girl is 9. I met my husband in 1990 and we were married in 1991. My daughter from a previous marriage was 11 at the time we were married. My husband adopted my daughter and we were the perfect loving family. My husband was a christian and he led me and my daughter to the Lord. My daughter told me when she was 15 years old that my husband had molested her for 6 months when she was 12. I was pregnant with my 3rd child at the time! I was devastated! He was arrested and booked into jail for 3 months. Ladies, I took him back like the stupid fool i was. I was weak and had these kids with him. My daughter took off to live with her boyfriend and I was alone with my babies. All my christian friends and pastors were telling me to forgive him and take him back because he ask God for forgiveness and me and my daughter and was a good father from then on. Only thing is that i could never really forgive him for doing that to my daughter and the bitterness and unforgiveness starting setting in towards my husband. It was masked over occasionally because of our own children who were so small, and then we had another child after that! So we pretended for 18 years and i suddendly about 2 years ago i started pulling away from him and stopped letting him touch me. I didn't respect him anymore. By staying together with him for all these years has had a negative effect on us all. He recently cheated on me with a 19 year old girl, who just found out herself that he had been lying to her all along about his age and that he was not married. She ran a background check and found out he had molested his step daughter. She cut him off and i cut him off and now he wants to repair the marriage again! I'm done this time ladies. I have no other choice. So why do i feel like such a failure to him and my kids. This marriage couldn't of been God ordained !

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Rebekah - posted on 12/07/2010

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I was a victim of sexual abuse for years by my own grandfather. And as much as I would like to agree and say child abuse is unrepairable - I totally disagree. I am going to encourage you to seek out God's face and pour out the pain, the anger, the rage, to Him and then ask Him to heal your heart. True forgiveness runs hand in hand with TRUST. I know we believe that it doesn't - but I disagree. If God can forgive us and give us a clean slate and trust us, then we should do the same. And we need to teach our children this too. I will not advise to a divorce, not my place here. I will say separate and take the time to seek God's face, and give your husband boundaries with your children - for you still have to protect them. I will also say PRAY for your husband. The power of the Holy Spirit is STRONGER than any sexual spirit that exists and can break the very spirit that is within him and make him a changed man. But you still have to find a way to forgive otherwise your unforgiveness will be your demise, as the Scriptures say God hands us over to the tormentors.

Carla - posted on 12/07/2010

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Kim, darling, as Heather and Jen can attest, I HATE divorce, and am a firm believer of forgive and reconcile. HOWEVER, on this topic, I am adamant. Child molestation is something that is ALMOST unrepairable. The spirit is so strong that it takes strong spiritual battle to combat. Do I believe God can heal him? Yes, I do. However, if you pick up a rattlesnake once, by accident, God will protect you. If you pick him up again, He lets you get bit.

I have a brother that impregnated his 14 y/o step-daughter. His wife, my sil, 25 years later is still reliving this horror, every time she looks at her grandson/step-son. Our pseudo-daughter's father molested everything that came in his door. Our uncle the same. People covered it up, made excuses, even blamed the girls! Everything but hold these creatures responsible. They play on the sympathies of their wives, who take them back, only to have this done again. And what about the other little girls he comes into contact with? This is NOT just a family matter, it's a community problem, and letting them out into the public to prey on other innocent children, will be on your conscience.

I'm sorry to sound like gloom and doom. I'm sorry I can't say 'oh, God will take care of this!' You need to look at his activities in the cold, hard light of reason and then decide what to do.

I pray, honey, that the Holy Spirit give you supernatural wisdom in this matter. I pray your ears hear and receive what He says, then give you the strength to carry through. Remember what Jesus said when He said 'woe to those who harm one of these little ones that believe in Me. It would be better for him to have a millstone tied around his neck and be cast into the sea.'

God bless, honey, you're in our prayers

Heather - posted on 12/06/2010

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You have grounds for a biblical divorce. God hates divorce, but as a child who was sexually molested and then forced to live with the man for years afterwards because he repented, I hurt for your children. Especially your daughter. I did eventually forgive my step-father, but it took many, many years. My sister has still not forgiven him. However, even though I have forgiven him, I would never EVER allow young girls around him. If he has said he wants to be forgiven and desires to stop doing what he is doing, that's awesome! But it doesn't mean that he should be placed in the situation where he would be tempted to do it again.



I wouldn't go so far as to say the marriage wasn't God ordained. I believe that everything happens for a reason. God had a purpose in all of this somewhere. Maybe your children, or you yourself, will be able to provide support to someone in a similar situation some day.



I never recommend divorce lightly... or really at all, ever. However it wouldn't be fair not to tell you that I am divorced. My husband left me for another (much younger...16 at the time... woman) There are some Scriptures that really helped me out during that time. I think the ones that I would really recommend Matthew 5:31-32 and 19:1-20.



I will be praying for God to guide you and comfort both you and your children.

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Cecilia - posted on 12/25/2010

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Don't feel bad you can't help him he has to help himself, pray that God will lead him back to the right path and that he will be a changed man, but also pray that God will give you the power to truly forgive as hard as it may be, I also suggest christian counseling for u and your kids especially the oldest daughter if she's willing.

Jennifer - posted on 12/22/2010

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Divorce is a hard pill to swallow no matter what the reason(s) are. I know I have been there. When I was 21, I got pregnant. At the time, I believed there was a God, but definately did not live the way I should. I ended up getting married to my boyfriend, even though I was just starting to find out what kind of person he really was. The marriage was doomed from the start. My husband never held a job, never actually cared about me as a person and later on
I found out he was doing drugs and running scams on Ebay. I was always taught that marriage is for life, and divorce is never an option, but by the time my son was 3 months old, I had had enough. My husband was serving time in jail for his 2nd ebay scam, and I started packing up his stuff. That is when I found the computer discs that I later found out contained child pornography. Even after all that, I decided to take him back. Everything came to head just after my son's first birthday. My husband was on probation, and decided to wait til I went to work so he would have our son to go take his drug test. He knew he was going to fail, but he figured they wouldn't arrest him with a child. He was wrong, and they threatened to take my son away to child services. Thankfully his probation officer gave him the chance of getting a family member to pick up our son. At the time I was 5 1/2 months pregnant with our daughter, and knew that staying with him meant risking losing my children. While he was in prison that time, I decided to leave him for good. Later, I also found out a bunch of other things he did, and I also had drug dealers calling and threatening me because he owed them money. I finally decided to file for divorce. Even as I was going through the divorce, I kept thinking of taking him back, because I knew divorce was wrong. Thankfully I never did take him back, and about a year after the divorce was finalized, I met my current husband. Everything isn't roses now, but I feel in my heart that I am right where God wants me to be. I have a loving, caring husband who is also an increadible father to our 4 children (2 together and my first 2 he adopted). Still at times I struggle with knowing I was once married to another man. I wish you all the best, and will be praying for you.

Anita - posted on 12/16/2010

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Dearest Kim,



Please, please, please seek out Christian counseling for your children and yourself. True Christian counseling that will walk you through all of the emotions that are swirling inside of you and not just tell you to get over it and reconcile. Also, please, please, please seek out a Biblically sound church... all of you need to surround yourselves with the Spirit, and with Spirit-filled people. You need protection and there is safety in numbers, especially in the spiritual sense. Trying to go it alone is like being a stray sheep on the edge of the pasture. Not safe!



As for your husband... John the Baptist would tell him "Bring forth 'fruit' that shows you've repented!" I would not recommend this back-together-now -separated yo yo. That's not healthy. Not for anybody. You are being kind to allow him to use your basement, but you have the right to set house rules: No girls, no porn, no alcohol, NO visits with any of the children down there alone. Your husband shrugged off his right/responsibility to be the leader of your family. In the absence of his leadership, you have the unfortunate responsibility of assuming that role at least to an extent. So do your best to be objective, not vindictive, and set some really firm ground rules.

It is NOT your fault that he did what he did, nor is it your fault if he had an affair. His sexual conduct is HIS responsibility and should not depend on whether or not you were intimate. His self-control is not your responsibility. Part of his "fruit that shows repentance", might mean that he has to choose to remain celibate in order to live out his repentance. That is NOT a punishment, it is a consequence for misusing the gift of sex.



In terms of forgiveness...Please, please, please try to let go of the anger! It will destroy you. Please try to realize that your husband is NOT the evil one. The evil one used his weakness to shatter your husband, you and your family. DO NOT let him win. Realize that your husband was overcome and gave in. His actions were heinous and should not ever be considered otherwise. But they were prompted by his enemy and yours. All of us sin. All of us are human. Please keep putting that understanding in your mind and give the pain to God. Only God can undo the work of the evil one. Only God can heal the pain.



Forgiveness does NOT mean saying, it's okay and I will resume relationship with you as though nothing happened. Forgiveness is saying, I recognize that you are only human. Humans all sin and fall short of God's standards. Your behavior has hurt me and our children immensely and beyond your human ability to repair it. I, however, will not continue to try to punish you or to expect you to fix it since you can't. I am going to leave it up to God how to deal with you. That is forgiveness. Just leaving his outcome up to God.



It is also ok to say, we don't have the kind of relationship anymore where the children and I can trust you for godly leadership and support. You gave that up when you forsook us all and gave in to temptation. You released yourself from that responsibility when you broke your vows. I'm intensely angry and sad about it, but I realize that I can't change it, and to pretend to go back to the beginning would be living a lie, which I do not choose to do. Therefore, mine and the children's spiritual covering is no longer your privilege. From today forward I am going to turn to the church for support, and to God for the answers as to how to heal me and the children. Meanwhile, you being a part of our lives will look like this....



My prayers for you and your children, sweet sister. Please, please, please give the situation to God every day- even minute by minute if you have to. Confess to Him, I'm angry again. Would you please help me with that? Pray with and for your children. And speak honesty about your feelings in front of them. It will comfort them. Moreover, He will respond to you. I promise you will find him nearer than ever.



Love to you and yours.

~ Anita

Sandy - posted on 12/16/2010

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Kim, you said it yourself, you need to get back into church. You need to find a good, biblically-based church that is not afraid to claim the truth nor sugar coat it. They will then be able to help you work through your feelings and begin to forgive (hopefully you can even find a church that offers a Christian counseling center). The forgiveness will not come quickly or easily. It will be a daily battle. Satan has a stronghold in which to get at you now. Divorce is never a good thing, but this is the one thing that God says is ok to divorce over - even before he did ANYTHING physical, he had committed adultery in his heart towards you.

Lisa - posted on 12/15/2010

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Get out & protect your children. Under these unique circumstances, the decision to divorce is not a sin according to Biblical laws about abuse and unfaithfulness. Please take care of yourself. He is obviously a toxic person. You can pray for him, but I would strongly suggest for you to take care of yourself and your kids by not allowing this situation to repeat itself.

Bonnie - posted on 12/11/2010

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Hello Kim,
Words can not express the sympathy my heart lends to you. However, abuse is an endless cycle that does not lend ear to logic or reason. The truth is that no words can comfort you right now, other than that of the Lord. No reason will reach your heart or mind until you have maintained your distance (in all forms) from your estranged husband for a minimum of 6 weeks. To change a behavior (even if that behavior is one of being a victim) takes a minimum of 6 weeks to change. I will pray for you and your children. I strongly encourage you as one woman to another to seek professional help not solely from religious mentors but from those that have been trained in the psychology of abuse and domestic violence.

Carla - posted on 12/11/2010

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@Rebecca, forgot to add---so sorry that you had such a horrible experience with your grandfather. As grandparents, we are to be the 'extra love' parents don't have time for any more. To me, sexual molestation of a child is just about the most heinous thing you can do to a child. And when it's a family member, it's even worse. God bless you, honey. I hope you found a substitute man that shows you what a true grandfather is like.

Rachel - posted on 12/10/2010

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I hate to hear of things like this. May I say first and foremost you have my prayers. I will tell you that I am a Christian woman who is recently divorced herself. I do not believe in divorce, in yet I am the one who filed for my divorce. On this topic, I have come to believe that there are some situations that God has put us in to show us that we have an inner strength to draw upon with His help and that is why we are put in those situations. My marriage was abusive, physically and emotionally; yours went towards your children. God put a stone in your belly that something in this man was not whole or right, otherwise you would have forgiven him completely. And let me tell you, I work in the prison system, and as much as I would LOVE to believe that everyone wan be rehabilitated, it's not true. Study after study show that a sex offender is the least likely to change his/her ways. And honey, your earlier statement that YOU led to his affair is so untrue...his addiction to his own inner problems led to the affair. Otherwise he would have had an affair with a woman not a child. Do not turn this on yourself...let God show you the strength He gave you. Let Him light your path and show you all the reasons you were placed in the life you were given. I'm a year outside my divorce and I have a couple words of advice: 1 - if that man is still in your house...get him out!!!! YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM!!! You are responsible for you and your children. He is a grown man and when he's hungry or cold he will find a way to take care of himself. If you take care of him, he will allow you to continue to do so!! 2)Remember healing is a process. You will have good days and bad days. You will have days you feel you made a good decision and days where all his manipulations will come roaring back in your head. Remember you are strong and God is behind you! 3) Take things one step at a time! Nothing will fall apart, promise. I became a single mother of a 4 month old and a mortgage payment over half my pay plus all the medical bills from her birth and the regular bills. I still own my home and my daughter is healthy, strong, beautiful, and we are thriving! Go one a budget, and take it slow. Don't let things overwhelm you! 4) PAMPER YOURSELF!! If you're not of a calm mind nothing around you will be. Even if it's a half hour bubble bath....just do it!! 5) Learn to live again! Enjoy the little things, enjoy your kids, enjoy the sunrise and sunset! The first Christmas I was alone I bought my first live Christmas tree that I cut myself, just because I could and had the best Christmas ever! Enjoy all the little things and learn to live again! When you start to enjoy all the things around you, you give the biggest blessings to God and He lets you realize that your troubles are only temporary.

With love and prayers!

Tina - posted on 12/09/2010

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Im sorry to hear of your situation. I can not imagine! I can only offer prayers as to whether you should leave or not. Only you know what is right here and only you know if God has given you the grace to forgive and take him back

But there is one thing that you said that I must touch on. And that is that God could not have ordained your marriage.
God Did ordain marriage and he said it was Good! He created it for love and completeness and to portray a picture of Gods relationship between Him and His Holy church (His Bride). "Marriage" is ordained by God! It is good.. but every person has a choice once the vows are said. A choice to stay or come out from underneath Gods protection, blessing and goodness. We can take ourselves out of the will of God, decide to sin, or not give it our all as unto the Lord, or whatever the bad choice may be. He has ordained your marriage. Mistakes were made... More than likely causing this avalanche of events. Let me make it very clear however....You are NOT responsible for what your husband has done!! You are only responsible for those things you did or did not do. I beg of you to own up to what you have done wrong before your husband and before God! Ask for forgiveness from both and rely on God to direct your path!! I believe this will open the door for healing and reconciliation in whatever the out come may be.
If you have no peace about a certain direction, than just wait on the Lord... He is there waiting for you to come to Him! I know with all my heart He wants to help you through this dear one.. He Loves You So Much!!

Teresa - posted on 12/08/2010

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The stress of these negative emotions robs us of vitality and physical well being.Amazing things are possible when a person is able to view themselves as God does.

Carla - posted on 12/08/2010

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Maybe you misunderstood what I was saying, Rebekkah. God WILL heal Kim's pain if she gives it to Him. But I am saying is that for the molester, this spirit is very strong, and most people don't have the spiritual strength to bind and cast them out (sad thing to say). I speak from watching my brother for over 25 years, my adopted daughter's father, and several other relatives. The fact that he outright lied to this young girl and is taking her into his father's house and taking her to weddings out in the open tells me volumes about this man's integrity. If the marriage was essentially over, he should have filed for divorce. If this girl hadn't been smart and ran a background check on him, then kicked him to the curb when she found out what he had done, he would still be with her.

When we repent of a sin we turn completely around and run from the sin. A 55 y/o man with a 19 y/o girl, lying to her, flaunting her in front of his family--these things do NOT sound like the actions of a repented man.

Yes, God's Word tells us to forgive and reconcile, however, Paul talks about the horrid sin of a man taking his father's WIFE--and to kick him out of the church and don't condone his sin. I can't imagine what he would say in this situation!

He was going to church, and brought you to Jesus. So the marriage served a purpose. I, too, had to find the good out of my first marriage, and it was my precious children. The rest, I had to give to Jesus and be healed.

I pray wisdom for you, honey, and healing. God bless

Kim - posted on 12/07/2010

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He recently had a very intimate relationship with this 19 year girl for 9 months! He is 55 years old. He told this girl when he met her that he was in his 30's and not married! They talked about having babies together! They went to a couple of weddings of friends of his! He took her to my father-in-laws house! He would call her 20 times in one day! I don't think i could ever trust him again after all this. The only reason he stopped seeing this girl was he got busted!

Kim - posted on 12/07/2010

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Hi Rebekah,
Thank you for your wisdom and yes we separated. 19 years ago was when the abuse happened and he did go to jail for 3 months and after that he was a changed man. He was a good, attentive father and he never smoked or drank. He seemed truly repentive, apologizing to my daughter, over and over again. She never lived with us after he came back home. I homeschooled the boys for a few years and then sent them to a christian school. I never could let go and forget what he had done though and somewhere along the years i stopped loving him and respecting him. I should of left then but continued in the relationship. I feel partly responsible for him having this affair with this young girl because i pushed him away for so long and stopped being intimate with him. He wanted me to go to counseling with him but i refused. I don't think i could ever trust him again now, and my kids would hate me and disown me if i decided to reconcile with him. I have a lot of praying to do!! God Help Me!
10 minutes ago

Candy - posted on 12/07/2010

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Pray and search for the strength to forgive, but forgivness does not mean that you have to take him back. God always carries us through the storm that he brings us to. Just keep your head up and continue on the path that the Lord has set for you, your deliverence from this situation is on the way. God Bless you, you are in my prayers

Heather - posted on 12/07/2010

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My biggest point of advice right now is that if you have young girls living in your home, you need to tell them what sexual abuse is, and that it is wrong. Teach them that if ANYONE including their father touches (or tries to touch) them in certain ways that they need to run to you or a neighbor or even the police. If any of your children have friends over you need to let their parents know and see how to handle it. This will protect yourself from becoming an enabler. If you know he has this problem and knowingly invite young girls into your home without warning them or their parents, you can be found just as guilty as he is. I don't want to sound mean, and trust me, I know this is hurtful. But my stepfather abused my sister and I's friends as well as us. It was actually a friend who told her mom and they got the police involved. When my mom allowed him back into the house, we told all of our friends so they would be protected and for the longest time we weren't allowed to be home alone with him. That did not stop my sister from being subjected to the child-pornography that popped up on the computer when she booted it up, but we were never touched again, because he knew that we knew it was wrong and what to do if it happened, and so did our friends.

Kim - posted on 12/06/2010

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Thanks Heather for your kind words of wisdom. I am struggling with alot of different emotions right now. I have been through shock, anger, hatred, and forgiveness this last 2 weeks with him in addition to the past 19 years of crap that i never really let go. I had kicked him out of the house, but just recently let him back to sleep in the basement cause i felt sorry for him. He doesn't make that much money and we need the mortgage paid. I am talking to him about trying to repair his relationship with his kids and I have made myself very clear that i would never resume an intimate relationship with him again. I could never trust him again. He keeps telling me he wants us to go to counseling to repair the marriage but i just can't. I feel that we could remain friends for our children's sake but that we do need to go our separate ways eventually. The prospect of going out on my own with 3 kids is scary though. I need to get back in church!

Jennifer - posted on 12/06/2010

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I dealt with something similar. It's hard and even if you had left him the second your daughter told you about the abuse you would still feel the way you do. God calls us to forgive and if you can then that's awesome, but it is a hard situation when that kind of abuse is involved. I left right away and still feel like it's all my fault and I should have known and how could I marry someone like that? But you my friend are not in charge of his actions, only your own. You cannot be held accountable for the evil things he did/does. I am very proud of you for being done this time. Thats something you have to pat yourself on the back for. True God hates divorce, but He did not create us to be abused. He wants us to have joy and peace in Him. Cling to our Father, my dear. He has all the answers and He can help heal you and your kids as well. As for you, don't hold onto things you have no control over. My daughter is still young and I finally got to the place where I realize that what happened between her and her father is between them and I can;t take that from her. I try to guide her toward forgiveness but she can confront him when she is grown. All i can do is keep her safe for now. Be strong because God is amazing and wonderful and can heal anything. Feel free to message me anytime. your Sister in Christ ~Jen

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