my son is 14 and I am accused of being an overprotective parent. When do I let go!?

Angela - posted on 06/09/2012

Who is accusing you of being an overprotective parent?

And who is telling you he will go totally wild when he gets out on his own?

Lisa - posted on 06/08/2012

Hi! My oldest son is 14 as well. He will be going into high school this fall! It is hard for moms to let out the slack, when it comes to our children. Think of it, in terms of fishing. Sometimes, we cast the line out, but sometimes, we reel the line in! I pray and trust my instincts. Kids need to know you trust them, as they learn to spread their wings. I talk with my son often, keep updated on his friends etc. Usually parents will see warning signs if the child is leaving the righteous path...everyday is a new adventure as mom of 14 year old! They will make mistakes along the way, just be there to help him get back on track.

Elizabeth - posted on 05/05/2010

Well, forget what others say, what does your son say? Is he feeling "overparented?" I say that only because if he isn't, you may be giving the parenting HE needs, all children are unique (I moved out at 18 ready to charge my way, my youngest sister moved out at 22). Basically, both parent and child need to be comfortable with new freedoms.

How's this, things like he wants to walk around the mall with friends, you will permit that provided you are there too doing your own thing and you meet him discreetly at certain times, i.e. you happen to both eat at the food court at 12:30 PM. Also reinforce that no matter what, even when he makes mistakes, he can always call you and you will come get him. I was 14 and permitted to go to the roller skating rink on Friday nights from 8-11 PM, but there was police officer there, and you couldn't leave without a parent there to get you. Are there any activities like that near you?

But don't beat yourself up too much, a 14 year old still needs supervision. They are old enough to make really costly mistakes and too young to fully weigh the consequences.

Mickey - posted on 05/05/2010

You can never be too old to let go. We live in a world we can only pray our children are protected. We can only teach our kids right from wrong, once an adult you can only hope and pray his decisions are good. Watch who he hangs out with. Bad company could always make kids go astray. When you hold kids back too much they feel as though we cant trust them.

Charity - posted on 05/04/2010

there is nothing wrong with being over protective this day and time. Know the verse in psalms, "raise a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it" That is a God breathed scripture. God loves our kids more than we do and He is not going to let them go that easy. He made them. I have a 19 yr. old and I let him do a lot more than what I should have and I am paying for it now. Kids want limits, they just don't think they do and when they get older they will know how to conduct themselves in their situations in life. It is not easy being a parent but God has a plan for us all. Good luck and stay firm.

Jeanne - posted on 05/04/2010

Dear Thea,
You are correct in the fact you have taught him well. With saying that, you have laid the foundation down for him to follow your lead. You are not finished with him yet and he has much to learn. However, keep him busy with activities he enjoys and this will nurture his confidence and abilities as a young man. Let him have control over himself and let him make mistakes if need be. This is how we all learned. With every mistake comes a lesson learned. If you do not allow him to fall down and pick himself up, be resonsible for his actions, and learn from his mistakes you will be doing him injustice as his mother. Remember, God does not stop us all from making mistakes but is there for us when we need him most. At our weakest moments, we gain strength. A nonjudemental mother who leads by loving and letting her children fly with their own wings is a blessing. Fear is Satan's work not God's work. Pray for your son to make the right choices and let him know when he is making the right choices. Your fear is only making him less confident in himself and will only cause him to rebel against you.

Jessica - posted on 05/04/2010

A man I greatly admire once said: "I teach them correct principles and let them govern themselves."

I think it depends in part what your definitions of control and overprotect are. I know some parents who are loving tyrants (my mom, for instance) who do not consider themselves controlling or overprotective but who are. I know others who have certain rules set in stone (i.e. 10:00pm curfew, no dating before a certain age, bring your friends home so we can meet them, call and let us know where you are or any change of plans, that sort of thing.) and let the rest depend upon their child's own conscience, and yet wonder, as you do, whether they are too strict.

Children test boundaries. Reasonable boundaries that are consistently held create a secure, reliable, and comfortable environment.

Teenagers test boundaries. They also explore opportunities to become unique individuals separate from their parents. This is a natural step in the development of a person into an adult. If you have taught your child proper behavior, and they understand what is expected of them--and that your expectations stem from your confidence in their intelligence--they will likely conduct themselves appropriately. "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." Proverbs 22:5-7

Of course, some children do stray from the right path, despite the best efforts of their parents. Every person has been given by God the dangerous, yet marvelous, gift of agency. We are each free to choose for ourselves. But, as the prodigal son, they may return, especially if they know that you love them unconditionally. I have seen it.

Let him go. Let him know you love him. Pray for him. This is a dangerous world. But there are still many good people in it. Pray he will find them. And, perhaps, he may also be a good influence in the life of someone who is themselves straying from God.

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths." Proverbs 3:4-6

Milla - posted on 05/04/2010

Hi Thea, here are a few thoughts of mine. Fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. Fear is the opposite of Trust when it comes to faith in God! When you FEAR something, in essence what you are saying is, "God I don't trust you. I can do a better job at protecting my son!" Then one can become too controlling as mentioned earlier by one of the gals. Control comes out of the FEAR, out of the distrust. Control makes you feel secure! But is it the best for your son? Deffinately not. It makes him resent you and want to flee. Trust is the best. First of all Trust in the Lord, Comit your son to Him, have a good relationship with your son, teach him the WORD of God, show him with your own example how to choose wisely and make sensible decisions.

Show your son that you trust him, give him the freedom to choose certain things to prove that he is mature or maturing, and as he proves himself, you will realize more and more how the Lord is guiding his heart and directing his path. This will help you to be easier on him and not become so protective that you are controlling. I have cousins, specifially boys who were brought up in a controlling manor, and there boys are irresponsible, not able to hold jobs, living with parents, parents supporting them, not able to speak for themselves only to their parents. It is a shame to bring up such men who are dependants. I understand what Kim Potter shared about her brother, it is sad, but the mothers themselves by being overly protective/controlling made their sons that way.

It is important to be honest with our children, even about the bad stuff that's out there, because once the child is old enough to be on his own, he will learn of all thats out there, but if we prepare them ahead, by teaching them what's out there, and encouraging them to stay away from that which God calls a sin, then they will go into the world-stay strong in the Lord and not conform to the world. Most importantly they will be able to use good judgement having had the practice at home with your guidance!!! Kids are very sensitive to hypocracy, Watch out for that in your own life, Don't worry so much about others.

There authority in being able to tell your kids, "DO AS I DO, OR DO WHAT YOU SEE ME DO!!!" We have to be careful not to become like the pharasees, about who Jesus said, Do what they preach but not what they do! Most important for a teacher (thats what a parent is) is to train themselves first of all to "Walk the Talk", then their children will not even need to be told what or how to do, they will be convisted just by being around their parents. We are not perfect, we make mistakes, important to admit mistakes and failures especially before the children and show them sensere repentance ( not repeat the same sin, turn 180 from that).

Keep praying and believeing that the Lord will guide your sons heart into doing His will, and also that He is giving you the wisdom that you need to bring up and teach your son wisely. The Lords grace is there to cover for our mistakes, as long as we are striving to live righteously before the Lord. Righteous man/woman is not one who never makes mistakes. it is one who will make mistakes, admit them and keep going!

Be blessed. May the Spriti of wisdom and revelation be with you sister and guide you into all knowledge and truth in Jesus Name, Amen!

Darla - posted on 05/04/2010

Hey, just me again, a quick note of clarification. My last comment about having to disagree was for Gale - who said to "Never let go"(and thus the Dr. Dobson quotes are above not below!! :) ). You have to let go or your kid will eventually hate you or end up being dependent on you forever. Being protective and proactive is better than being over-protective. The "Over" part makes me think of a beautiful pie - following the recipe (God's recipe) you make a lovely crust, use the best apples, combine with the right amount of cinnamon, sugar, butter etc. Crimp and decorate the top beautifully. Use a fancy aluminum ring so the edges don't burn. Set the temp for the right time and put it in to bake for the recommended amount of time. But when the timer goes off - you don't think it's been long enough so you reset the time and leave it. Next time you think that the apples won't be done (you doubt the person who made the recipe), so you leave it in even longer. Finally you decide that "it feels right" to take it out. Much to your dismay, you find the crust burnt in places, crumbly in others, the apples are chewy and the bottom crust is burnt. The pie is ruined because the recipe wasn't followed and the time well-spent before it was baked was wasted, because the pie was not released from the oven at the correct time given by the recipe maker and the pie was damaged instead of being protected. It was OVER-done. So, be protective, just not "over"-protective.

Blessings to you all.

Michelle - posted on 05/03/2010

Hi Thea, let me share with you what someone shared with me, even before my son was born. He does not belong to you, he belongs to God. Your son is a stewardship that the Lord has given you and someday you will need to hand him back to the Lord. When that time comes, I want to be able to show the Lord that my efforts in raising my son were spent on "kingdom" things. If that means being labled an over protective parent because I am careful about what movies I let him watch, or the music he listens to, or whether or not he plays on the computer, then so be it. Until I hand him back to the Lord, I am going to be held to account for the choices I made for him, and yes, that is my job as his parent, to make those choices so he can learn how to make good ones for himself.
When I turn him loose to the world, I want him to have a good solid, gospel based , biblical worldview. Then I trust the Lord to do what he will with him.
The world is after your son... Be over protective for the glory of God! Good job Momma!

Darla - posted on 05/03/2010

Hi,
Have to disagree - our children are born to be released into the world when they're ready. We need to prepare them appropriately - they don't need to "experience" everything, but they need to know how to deal with things they probably will experience and some that we hope they may not. See the notes below about Dr. Dobson. :)

Darla - posted on 05/03/2010

I hear your fear. We all have it, but "as a Christian parent" we have to take God at his word. He said over 300 times in the Bible "Do not fear! Don't be afraid!" Joshua 1:9 - Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified for the Lord YOUR God is WITH YOU wherever you go!" Lean into that. and "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. Proverbs 22:6"
Our job is raise our children to leave home and be healthy, responsible adults. Some of the best advice I've heard is that you start giving more responsibility and choices every year. You guide them more in those choices when they are little (as simple as decisions on clothes (put out 2 different outfits & let them pick) and teach them how to make good decisions (using Scripture as your guide). At 14, your son should be making a fair number of choices within well-established boundaries and clear expectations - phone call contact, curfews etc. Keep the lines of communication open - and extend him trust with oversight. If you keep your relationship with him on a solid basis (and your relationship with God too!) it will keep you in the loop regardless of the choices he makes.

Pray! Pray! Pray! God is your father and your son's father too. He loves you both equally. Memorize Scripture and teach your son to memorize Scripture - it will stick with both of you.

Blessings to you!!! (PS. I am NOT a perfect parent!)

Kim - posted on 05/03/2010

Protective is one thing... controlling another. My mom always did WAY too much for my brother. I was taught to be independent. He was taught to be dependent. At 38 years old, he still lives a few miles from our parents. Mom regularly pays his bills, balances his chequebook and bails him out when he's in trouble. It's weird how different they treated us and how we turned out.

Lots of great comments and wisdom being shared!! Wonderful support! Keep seeking God and growing in your own walk with him. He will guide you.

Josslyn - posted on 05/03/2010

Allow him to experience some freedoms now rather than sending him into the world blind one day when he leaves your home, I'd rather have my child make mistakes in my home than in the outside world. I would prefer them relying on my advice, comfort and guidance and letting them know that all people do make mistakes but there are always lessons learnt from these and God is always there to guide us.

Michelle - posted on 05/02/2010

I have a 16 yr. old and a 13 yr old boy. Some of the best counsel I received was that you only trust them for their age. In other words, you don't give them all this freedom because they are older and "good" kids. You remember that they are sinners and that they will go astray as we all do but our job is to always lead them to the cross. My oldest son use to complain that I was overprotective and I told him that I did trust him according to his age but was not going to give him more freedom than a 16 year old could handle. He seemed to understand that. All of our children are different but I would encourage you to trust in the Lord and depend on Him moment by moment as you raise your children. We too can't do it w/o Christ. Read lots of good books too, like Age of Opportunity by Paul Tripp and Shepherding A Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp. Those are great books to encourage us as parents. This is my favorite quote from J.C. Ryle from his little book called, The Duties of Parents. "Train w/ this thought continually before your eyes- that the soul of your child is the first thing to be considered." ..."No interest should weigh w/ you so much as their eternal interests." Share w/ your son why you do what you do. At 14, you can discuss and reason w/ him that your first consideration is his soul. Best to you as you parent! Remember there is a war going on for their soul. So preach the gospel to yourself and remember what Christ did for you and pray for your children! God bless!!

Shellie - posted on 05/02/2010

As a Christian mother I can relate to you. We have to pray and trust that what we have instilled in our children since birth has taken root. I started with small steps. My son is 16 and doesn't have the freedom as some of his friends. He has a curfew and he can't go to a party if I don't know the parents will be there and I have to trust them. Remember to take advice from parents you admire. Other people will give their input, but look at their kids. As for not believing that our children will stay, Only GOD knows. We all come with a fleshly nature and sometimes the struggles we go through is what makes us closer to God. Look at the prodigal son. Two sons, two different paths, one set of parents....One Glorious God that worked it all for good.

Debra L - posted on 05/02/2010

Have him go out with friends and make sure he calls like every hour. Always make sure he gives an address and phone number to where he is. It is really hard to let go but you need to have faith in him that he will do the right thing. I have raised 5 girls and 1 boy real hard with girls.

CHris - posted on 05/01/2010

Instruct a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it." I'd say you are doing what you feel is right and scriptural in your heart of hearts. Do you really feel you are hindering him or is someone else telling you you are hindering him. Are you hindering him or keeping him from getting into an ungodly situation? I also have a almost 14 year old son. I just discuss things with him and he doesn't try to go against me because he understands the "why" of the decisions we make.

Carol - posted on 05/01/2010

Amen to that Lynn... Knowing the kids and their parents are key to giving your son alittle freedom. Always keep the line of communication open, but truly impress upon your son that you and his friends parents talk all the time, that if he violates this priviledge of freedom, that means he will violate your trust in him. Don't white wash it. Let him know how important the trust that you have in him is and it needs to be honored by all means..

Lynn I pray that God has completely delivered you from every area in your life and that the bad choices you made, can one day be used to minister to others who chose the same path as you. Trust me, they will welcome you with open arms because they know that you truly understand. This is by no means an endorsement to do whatever you want. All I'm saying is this. When we make a complete mess of our lives and then finally surrender it all to God. He is blessed by our fregrant offering and then turn it around
for the the kingdom of God and to minister his love and forgivenes to others. For this is God's grace in our lives...
Thea, just remember this, accountablility for ones actions is paramont... Drive this message home with your son in love...Don't let anyone move your decision by their opinions. When all is said and done, God's is the only one you will answer to one day...

For the sake of the call,

Carol

Lynn - posted on 05/01/2010

my mom and dad let me go banannas at 15 and i got in a ton of trouble. I mean a TON! I was addicted to heroin and she let me drop out of school. i ended up on probation and just this last year got sober.
By all means dont overly shelter your child, but love him by setting limits and no matter what know WHO his friends are and KNOW THE FRIENDS PARENTS. I can not stress it enoufgh.

Carol - posted on 05/01/2010

Hello Thea:
I wanted to share with you if thats alright. I also have a 14 year old boy. I am also a christian, and Jesus is the center of my universe.
So How I deal with my son is this way. Freedom is a privildge earned, and freedom isn't a stand alone word. Freedom & responsibility go side by side. So the first thing I want you to ask yourself is this, Why are you so over protective, as your son puts it? The answer to this question is key.
If you find that you're making decisions based on fear, then I would suggest that you spend sometime with the Lord reflecting on your life, especially once your child was born.. Remember dear. God did not give us a spirit of fear and timitidy, but of sound mind. He also says in his book of promises, (The Bible) that if we raise our children in the ways of the Lord, they will not depart from it.,
I also have a 22 year old, so I have already went thru this age once, my 22 year old is graduating from college with a double major in 2 weeks, God has truly blessed me by showing me the fruits of my labor and trusting him enough to help me raise my sons. I can't count the times that my friends said to me that I am way to strict, that I should just let them be teenagers. It's better for them to sow their wild oats now then after they grow up and get married, I would respond with, I am not raising my sons to be oatmeal, but of AWESOME men of God with reckless abandond for him. Praise God that I never took offense to
my friends opinions.
Our Papa in heaven knows that none of us are perfect and this includes our children that we are ambassadors of.
So the next question I would ask myself and the Lord is this. Has my child proven to me that they are responsible in all areas that are age appropriate. If the answer is yes. Then refer to proverbs, and pray this. Lord, your word says that you will give wisdom freely if I ask.
Between common sense that God has blessed you with and the wisdom that he will impart in you as a parent, you wil be able to make a wise choice as to whether you agree to let your son go out with his friends. I'll make this simple for you. Would Jesus want to go along with your son in his endeavors with his friends. I'm not talking about legalism or sheltering your child from other boys that don't know Jesus. I'm referring to choices that are wreckless and selfish or against the law. You already said that you have raised your son to be that AWESOME man of God, and yes, he still has alot to learn, but at this age, try to give your lionhearted cub the opportunity to show you that he has everything within his spirit to walk upright and to know the difference between a good choice and a bad choice, and yes Thea, he may fall down from time to time, just as we do, but what does God do for us when this happens. He puts out his hand to take our hand and help us back up so that we can continue to move foward. This is the grace of God at it's finest. God has also imparted grace to all parents toward their children.
Thea, there is a story in the old testiment about a farmer who puts his slave in charge of his land. Everytime the slave would pull up the weeds so the crops would grow, they would always grow back. The master finally said, leave the weeds and let them grow along side the good crop. At harvest time we will plow everything up and seperate the weeds from the crop and burn it. Our lives are the same way.
Only you and God know the reasons why you hold on so tight to your son and limit his freeedom. Sweet one, try to keep this in mind. If you trust your son to make wise decision between right and wrong, then also pray a blessing on him before he goes out with his friends, that God will take this opportunity to use him mightly for the Kingdom of God and minister the LOVE of Jesus to someone who may not know the Lord. Strictly by your son's integrety, character, wisdom. It's amazing how powerful our actions can speak to an others heart.
I have experienced many christians that have completely seggragated their children from the world, and this means other children. I have observed these children and they are socially inept. Remember this love, our children are the arrows in our quiver. It is our responsilbilty to sharpen them continuiously, so that when they become adults they will know how to inner act with the world and not fear it. Remember when Jesus appointed his 12 original deciples... Talk about a motlecrew...These men had lots of trouble and weren't living and upright life, but their hearts were open. Thats what Jesus was looking for. And so shall you for your son.
My last point I would like to make with you is this. Are you letting your son have his way because you feel guilty for not giving him the freeedom that he so desires. Our chidren are very smart and creative beings and they will go to great lengths to get their own way, even if it means saying something to you that hurts you and makes you feel guilty. We have an awesome responsibility as parents. And I personally try and keep the lines of communication open with my children, but I also know that I don't need to be their friend or win their approval as "The cool mom". They have plenty of friends at school. Your primary job is to be their parent, which means to love them, encourage them, help direct them with advise, but most important, hold their feet to the fire when they get out of line.
Thea, I am so sorry that this is so long, but when I read your question. I had a burden on my heart to share with you all that the Lord has helped me with in regards to my children. Always remember this, you aren't doing this alone, The Lord is right beside you and his your helper. Just don't forget to communicate with him about everything. He will guide your step.s
I have all the faith in you that you wil make a Godly decision on this matter, not one that pleases your friends, but more importantly, God believes in you. Another lesson for you to teach your son is this. If the answer isn't the one he is looking for, he will follow it up with, "why", just gently explain to him that as his mother, you don't expect him to like the answer, but to trust you anyway. This will inturn teach your son how to trust God more and more each day.
If you have any question regarding this post, feel free to write back. May the Lord bless you with wisdom, understanding, assurance in him & him alone to protect your child when he isn't with you, and may he bless your son with wisdom, honor and respect for you in all of this..

For the sake of the call,

Carol

Pam - posted on 04/30/2010

I was the only daughter with 5 brothers and you want to talk about being over protected.I was a good kid but I wasn't allowed to date till I was 18 it caused me to run off and get married before I was ready.I went from my parents being controlling to an abusive husband.You have to trust them some,it is a fine line you have to walk.and yes some children do go wild but you can have the best family and spirital life and children will do what they want to do.All you can do is pray for them and help them make the right decisions.

Deb - posted on 04/29/2010

You know your son more then anyone else. Do you trust him?
If there are situations which you are unsure of, talk with your son. In conversation asking what if... discuss his responses. He may suprise you. It's once they are in the world that we see their faith sprout. You could work with him to earn the trust and with each piece of trust you allow, let him go knowing God is in control.
ex: say he asks to hang out with friends. I would still ask with who and where. Give a curfew. If he sticks with it, he can be trusted when he asks for an added 11/2 hour. If not, the curfew is cut. This offers him a chance to prove to you as well that he can be trusted. That is the one thing teens need more then anything is to feel the trust and approval of their parents. It doesn't matter how old they are, they need uplifting and acceptance: trust and communicating with him will make him feel your trust and your appreciation of him.

Amanda - posted on 04/29/2010

Have you read Grace-Based Parenting by Dr. Tim Kimmel? I really loved this book and it speaks to this issue. It emphasizes that in the end we want our children to know and follow Jesus, not just our rules.

Amanda - posted on 04/29/2010

I was raised in a Christian home, and I went to a Christian school from 4th-10th grade. Then I switched to a public high school. I was very rebellious and got into trouble. I think the biggest thing with me was that my parents always had the "no, because I said so" kind of disciple. With my kids now, even though they are younger (8, 4 and 3) if I tell them no, or if I am telling them something is wrong, I make sure that they understand why it's wrong, and what the Bible says about it. The biggest thing is that I cover them in prayer. Things that I did as a teen, I am already praying that they won't get into those situations, and praying for their character, and praying over who they will make friends with, praying for their future husbands (I have all girls) that they will be men of God. There is a book by Stormie O'Martian called Power of a Prayer Parent....it's amazing! It really gives you a guide as to how to break down prayer into specifics.... anyway. Talk to your son, get his opinion on things and see how he feels. Work together with him to come up with appropriate boundaries and curfew. And if there are things that he doesn't like, then go over your reasons. Let him know that it may not be a case of do you trust your son, it is just a case of not trusting other people, or whatever. I hope this is helpful! Just keep praying! That is how my mom always knew I was in trouble, she would just get a feeling something was wrong, and always knew where I was, even if I didn't tell her.

Desiree - posted on 04/28/2010

Veronica, I heard a nicer analogy than a leash (lol) from our Family Life Chaplain in a parenting class I took a few months ago (which was led via DVD by Dr. Dobson as well): It's like flying a kite- you let it out a little bit higher and higher and when it starts to lose control in the high winds, you reel it back in until it's stable again and then try again. It's the same with kids! :)

Veronica - posted on 04/28/2010

Dr Dobson circa 1979..."you must let him go a little at a time". We did this with all four kids. I would say if you haven't allowed him some freedom by now. You have some catching up to do. At 14 a curfew, boundaries and a list of consequences should he cross your boundaries is in order. Movies with friends, ball games, hanging at a friends, bowling, etc...drop and pick up. Allow him the freedom to show you he is ready to be trusted. I have seen so many parents smother and then at 18 the child indeed goes wild. As a christian parent I can tell you he may very well stray...but I do believe he will come back. He will test the boundaries, your families moral compass and his own standards. This is how he grows up. Pray daily...and give him some credit. Don't assume the worst. I always found it better to give them a long "leash" haha. You can always reel it back in a bit. Best wishes!

Desiree - posted on 04/28/2010

In addition to trusting God you have to remember who your son is. Is he naturally defiant or naturally compliant? It makes a difference. If you know he is able to make good decisions because he has proven you can trust him up to this point, then continue to trust him until he gives you a reason not to. Don't assume the worst from him if he's never given you reason to do so. If you have set and continue to set REASONABLE boundaries that protect him without smothering him, he will do fine. On the other hand, though, if you have completely sheltered him from the realities of the world and isolated him in such a way that he is naive to the way things are and is in a place where he wants to please everyone (including his friends, or would-be friends), then he's in danger. Do you trust the kids he hangs around with not to lead him astray? That's a good start. Do you trust your son to be strong enough not to want to follow them if they do? Is he the leader or the follower? These are all indicators in determining whether he will "go wild" or not. He also has to know that you will accept him and forgive him if he does make a mistake. Be sure to RESPECT him, as well as love him. That is important to men. And like it or not, he will be one someday! When in doubt, PRAY! :)

Tiffany - posted on 04/28/2010

living your belief out and not just doing the church and going home and being a heathen is the best bet.. Michael pearl wrote a book called training up your child it is from no greater joy ministries and they have an article about that should help..

GALE - posted on 04/27/2010

Never let go he might not like it now but when he gets older he will appreciate it.tough love is the best love.Keep strong you can do it!!!!!!

Cindy - posted on 04/27/2010

Ask your son :) Ask him how he feels about your parenting :) Over protective/not overprotective. Ask him where you could give him more chances for freedom, and when he thinks he's not being trustworthy. This conversation will totally surprise you. But go for it. After all, if you want to start 'letting go', you have to start with him.
Always remember: patience love and understanding

Karen - posted on 04/27/2010

Specific examples would help because there are different levels of being protective, and every kid is different. But it seems the issue may be fear. I have one friend who was so sheltered taht she could not handle the "real world" and went completely astray at college. But another friend was encouraged to develop responsibility and learn the reasoning behind her family's values, so is becoming a mature woman in God. As hard as it is, we must trust that God loves our children more than we do and will take even better care of them than us. There is no way we can watch over each of our kids 24/7, and we cannot know what is in each heart. I am praying that God gives me the wisdom to guide each of my children to become the man or woman he wants them to be. We instill values and let them know expectations, but at some point I have to step back and let them experience, for example, the heartache of an unwise friendship. The best thing I know to do as a mom is constantly bathe my kids in prayer. I started a moms' prayer group with a couple of ladies at my church. We meet once a week and trade specific requests then join in corporate prayer. There is no more powerful weapon! We are also studying through Stormie O'Martain's THE POWER OF A PRAYING PARENT.

Janet - posted on 04/27/2010

It all come with trust. Give him a little test ,like let him go to a friends house but give him a time to come home make sure you tell him it is important that he is home in the house at that time.If he can do it give him more leway if not tell him why he can't be trusted and you want him to abide in your rules so you will feel good about letting him go and doing what he wants.

Michelle - posted on 04/27/2010

Ever read the Prodigal Son? He grew up on a farm, sheltered from the evils of the world. He grew up and decided to leave home and "knew more than dad." After wallowing in a pig stye (God had been watching over him), the son decides that it would be better to be a servant of his father than die in the world and so he returns home. Dad welcomes him home in the end.

I'm an overprotective mom too. One day my daughter will leave home and whatever decisions she makes will be between her and God. I know that in the end she will return. In the meantime, she is my responsibility and I will keep her sheltered as long as I can just as God shelters me.

Teresa - posted on 04/27/2010

i have the same dilemna with my son, who is now 13 and a half;i'm letting the rope out inch by inch;letting him spread his wings little by little and boy, it's really hard;i'm a worry-wart big-time but a friend put it eloquently when she advised me that i've given him the "tools" early on in his life to know what's right and what's wrong;taught him valuable lessons and now i need to trust that he's going out into the world to use those lessons and principles to guide his decision-,making and judgments;will i always worry? probably! but, i have to have confidence that i've taught him well and set a good example

Idella - posted on 04/26/2010

My son is 13 and has a host of health issues. But it is our jib to make them INDEPENDENT. I often cringe when I see my son fall, cry etc. but I just hug him tell him to try again and life goes on. He does just about everything a normal healthy kid does with help and yes I do hinder him in some things ...I know my child better than anyone else.....sometimes it is for the best. I dont feel a child needs to be exposed to everything to learn. Some things you can teach them from your own experinces. You as the parents can explain to them the effects wether they be good or bad of the situation. My parents let me experience evrything I wanted.....I wish they had restricted me more. So allow him to be a child and modify your boundaries as you see appropiate not others who are on the outside looking in. Above all Pray and let GOD.

Rachael - posted on 04/25/2010

I agree with most of the comments on here, I would just like to add one thought...



Are there any godly men in his life? I only have a 9 month old boy at this point but seeing the teenagers out there scares me to death! It is so different now even from when I was a teen 20 years ago(it doesn't feel that long ago...) and even my son's teen age years are 13 years away... anyway my point is that he is going to need a godly man in this life to be a mentor and a friend. Someone you can trust to help guide him and someone he can turn to and trust when he doesn't want to talk to mom. Is dad around? Maybe an uncle or a youth pastor at church?

Also, if he is not already, get him involved in a church youth group. At this age friends are WAY more important than parents and if his friends are good, godly kids then chances are better that he will be too.

One final thought...he will probably rebel -- all teens do at some point even if it is pretty mild. The only thing you can do is be consistant with the rules, love him uncondionally and PRAY!

Let me say it again...he needs a GODLY man that he can look up to more than anything else. There will be questions he will have and struggles that all teen boys have that he will not want to talk to you about. I know society thinks its funny to find porn in teenage boys room or to encourge daily masterbastion, but we as Christians know better. These will be challanges he will face if he isn't already and only a strong godly man can help guide him in these issues. He will also help to teach him how to treat woman with respect and love and maybe help him save himself for marriage too.



Sorry to rant, but I think its so important!

Tasha - posted on 04/25/2010

You can only do what you think is best. Children will find a way to do what they want to do no matter how many restrictions you set for them. If you are to overbearing then he will just try to pull away all the more. Find out who he is hanging out with, get to know their parents. If you find that you can respect them, then take some tips from how they do it. If you can't do that... Find a parent locally that has children your son's age and talk to them.. You CAN'T lock him in his room and wrap him in bubble wrap. He has to grow up.. As long as he is loved and knows he can come to you with anything without censor then you are all set.. Trust him.. It flows both ways.. Give him a chance to earn yours. Loosen up before you lose his.

Kristen - posted on 04/25/2010

I believe it is our job as parents to raise our children according to the Word of God. However, as your child grows and becomes an adult we cannot control them. You could do everything right and they turn out crazy. It's nothing you did, its that they have there own free will. Of course our children need to be raised with morals and disciplines, sheltering them is good. At the same time there is a point of going over board. Have resrictions, but give him a little leeway and see what he does with it.
One thing is for sure, God does not want us to live in fear... He has blessed us with the gift of our children to take care of for Him, until they go back to be with Him. They were His before they were ours and He wants us to release them to Him and trust that we have raised them the best we can according to His Word.
I'm sure you are doing great job! Don't worry God's got Him!

Rosalinda - posted on 04/24/2010

AMEN stacey!!!

Stacey - posted on 04/24/2010

I have a 14 year old boy who has a ministry call on his life. He received the assignment at 9 yr old. He says that I am over protective. I have allowed him to go a few places where he has to use good judgement. I remind him that if I can't see him that he is of an age where he will be held accountable. I remind him that he is not grown and that it is my responsibility to make sure that he is knows the word and to protect him from the enemy. I do trust him however, I have told him that he owns nothing! He uses MY stuff so I own it down to his socks! He knows that I do inspections and he has nothing to hide. Pray and ask GOD to give you peace to know that GOD see all! And I will keep you in my prayers because he is 14! Glory

Rosalinda - posted on 04/24/2010

yes it is true that we remember what we were taught when we were younger, but its also true that we are in the last days, and the pressures on our youth now are not the same as what it was for us. its a lot worse now than ever.
we MUST stay in prayer for our youth everyday, but there is going to have to come a time when you sit down with them and tell them that you will trust them to make some decisions on their own, but they only get that one chance, and not to break that trust with you.
God can handle them better than we can, He is the One that gave them to us. prayer MUST be #1 on our list.

Carol - posted on 04/24/2010

14 is a tough age. Your son is becoming a young man and he will be on his own soon. Guide him to make good choices and talk things out with him if you can. and if you haven't read this enough, oh yeah, PRAY! :)

Betsy - posted on 04/24/2010

Proverbs - Chapter 22:6

6. Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.

Don't forget the "old" part of that scripture! Like Rebekah said...it comes back to us when we are out in the world!

Rebekah and Rosalinda...uhhh...yes...PRAY always PRAY!
♥

Rebekah - posted on 04/24/2010

Personally, I would be breaking those curses off of my child. I would be praying to God and breaking off those curses that he will go the other direction - because that's NOT true. The Bible says if you raise your child in the way he should go, he will NOT depart from it. Seek God for the wisdom, not other people - He will guide you and tell you when it is OK to let go, but until then listen only to God - He knows what your son needs, what your son desires, when your son is in trouble and He will give YOU the wisdom, the strength, and the words for how to deal and how to cope with every situation that arises.

I was raised in what all my friends was considered to be "overprotective" and when I finally hit 18 and moved out - EVERY single thing I was taught always found a way to come back and remind me of what I needed to do. Sure, I made some mistakes, but I didn't go ALL wild and crazy and turn away from what I was taught. No, I learned through some things the hard way, but it deepened my faith level. I appreciate more than ever the way my parents raised me - and I hope I can be the same way for my child or children. :)

Rosalinda - posted on 04/24/2010

pray for your son each and everyday, and trust that God will take care of him. fear is not of God thinking too much of what might happen is not good, we are to cast down imaginations. God will show you when something is going on with him that you have to handle, but if you dont pray about it and ask for God to guide you He cannot, God is a gentleman and waits for you to ask.

Betsy - posted on 04/24/2010

Dear Thea,
What do you mean by "letting him go"?

If you have Christ, that should eliminate the fear. God loves him WAAAYYYY more than you do...(I know hard to believe).

God will take care of him. You raised him with all the wisdom and decision making skills you could give him. It is his turn to put what you taught him into practice. Tell him you trust him to make good decisions. Better yet...show him you trust him by giving him some room to be himself.
Cheers!
~Betsy

Stephanie - posted on 04/24/2010

true being "over protective" can be hard to deal with but keep in mind it is better to be truly over protective then to let a child rome the streets. .. i know for me im scared with the idea of letting my 12 year old go to a park down the road(or across a small town like the one i grew up in) with all the freaks out there.(mind You my oldist is 2 1/2)
You son/daughter might go threw a wild streek but all grow out of it if they are raised to take responcibility. its true it really takes responcibility to raise a good child..hope i have that. and it also takes a parent to understand where they are and where the child's choices are their own.. hopfuly You will see where You son begins and how he can make disitions on his own even now. .. =/ =) You will firgure it out.

Karissa - posted on 04/23/2010

I grew up going to church and went to a Christian school. I must say I did go wild when I finally moved out. My parents were extremely strict and I wasn't allowed to do anything growing up. Going to a friends house for her birthday was a 3 hour debate.

I always had wished that my parents had asked me what I thought.
If you talk to your kids and see what they expect then you won't be shocked at the things that they want. Talk about your different ideas and come to an agreement. Communication, logical communication, is the only way you guys will hopefully get along.

Tracey - posted on 04/23/2010

Trust the Lord...pray and seek God every day for each decision that you two face together. At some point in time you have to trust God in Him as much as you trust God in you. Just take one day at a time and begin to allow him to make the decisions that are in areas where he shows himself mature. You are his mom and God has given you the wisdom to raise him...trust in the Holy Spirit's leading and you will do fine! Fourteen is awfully young to be making many decisions and awfully old not to be making any!