need some encouragement and help!

Alej - posted on 01/10/2011

I could tell you what I think you should do,besides what I'm sure you are already doing, praying and seeking the Lord. I pray you keep surrendering all to Him, every time you you take it back, put it back in His hands. Trust Him, with your baby, husband , yourself , and the whole family situation. we know Gods will is best so as hard as it seems at times we need to wait for His answer ... yes, no or wait . I also prayed the Lord continue to direct your steps, draw you and your family all closer to Him, you and your hubby closer as one, all according to His will. Romans 8:28 sorry if this was so long, could have been longer :)

Amber - posted on 01/03/2011

I will be praying for you and your family. I can understand your stress i have a 2 year old and a 6month old and he is medically unstable at this time. some days i have no motivation to clean the house or cook a full meal, my husband is stressed bc he is the only one working and we have to budget the money very carefully so i find myself asking him for everything i buy. i also understand not being able to get him to do prayer/study time with me. just know that God does not expect u to be super woman and your husband should not either he should be helping bc u are working. i am so sorry and i wish i could tell u something to help u but know you are not the only one out there going through the same thing. "when u see a house a mess know that it is a blessing because it is lived in" also know that most other moms like to see that your house is messy because they dont feel so bad about their own

Becky - posted on 01/03/2011

Rebekah, yes, i do have to work. my husband makes very low income (even with working two jobs). if i didn't work, we would lose the house and not have enough $$ for other things, so i do have to work. i'm praying come in may with my nanny contract is up i might be able to find a really good paying job and work maybe 3 times a week..but that even relies on if my husband finds a new, better paying job.
yes, my husband admitted he had expected before we married for me to keep the house clean, etc. (he had his own bachelor pad and it was always so dirty.. i would come in there when we were dating/engaged while he was working sometimes and lovingly clean the entire place for him)...he told me a few months back that he had enjoyed that and thought he wouldnt' need to clean since i had always done it for him ... yeah.
we're looking into finding a counselor.. hopefully we'll find someone soon!

Rebekah - posted on 01/03/2011

I am sorry to say but when I read your comment about how your husband expects you to keep the house immaculate and fix dinner every night I had to laugh. I am a stay at home mom of only 1 child. On top of that,we live in an apartment (as opposed to a house). Guess what? This place is never immaculate and I only cook dinner for the 3 of us about 3 times a week. My question for you is:do you HAVE to work outside the home (meaning do you guys NEED the extra income or are there things you could do without so that you could stay at home)? Also sounds to me like your husband came into the marriage with expectations that the 2 of you never discussed. I think it is a good idea that the 2 of you seek counseling, so you can talk some of this out in the prensence of an impartial 3rd party. Praying for you Becky!

Jennifer - posted on 01/02/2011

You will be in my prayer. My son is 4 now, my husband and I tried for 8 months before I got pregnant with him. We thought that we were so ready for him to get here. Not quite!! After he was born, we had the same problems that you are having. We both were sleep deprieved, tired, and very stressed. We would fight over the stupidest things, and then feel really bad for the things that we would say to each other. My husband is not a believer so it was especially hard because he didn't want to talk to a counselor or my preacher or anybody. He felt like I expected to much of him because I would ask him to do a few things with the baby. I went back to work when my son was 7 weeks old. My mother in law kept him for me while I worked because I too didn't want my son in day care. Things got really bad several times and I didn't know if we were gonna make it. But we did. We both had to finally accept that the house wasn't going to be spotless, sometimes supper was gonna be a sandwich, or leftovers, and we have learned each others moods, so we know when to let stuff go. I hope and pray that things do get better for you. Just be patient, and when all else fails, just pray. Things don't always have to be perfect. Sometimes a house that is not perfectly clean has the happiest people in it. I learned that duringall of our problems. I was obsessive over the house and spent most of my time trying to keep it clean, then I realized I was spending all that time trying to do everything and do it perfect and was missing out on spending quality time with my baby and my husband. We never have had date nights. If my son decided to go spend the night with his mamaw, then we take advantage of it, but he is usually with us. Maybe the 2 of you just need to have some time with just you and your husband. Maybe get a sitter and just the 2 of you go out, or even stay home and watch a movie and spend some time together. I really think that my husband was sort of jealous over the baby. I always spoiled him and focused all my attention on him before the baby was born, and then after I was too busy. I hope things get better and this was some help to you. I will be praying for you both. God Bless

Stephanie Jo - posted on 01/01/2011

Hi Becky,it sounds like both of you need some recourprating time and some tlc.I know the feeling about starting out before you all thought you were ready but God knew you were ready. I know the plans I have for you. Be still and know that I am God. I know its hard and frustrating. I am so far behind in bills like ya know before they say thats it.My husband talks to the mortagage company and bank about the cars and they are working with him.Just an idea. It is hard to put hubbie first sometimes,I have 2 young girls.Pray and be still and listen for God to give you the answers or the wisdom and courage to face whatever comes your way.Sneak in the bathroom and read a book for 10m.Give your tired self some me time and things will look up when you have tlc yourself.

Gail - posted on 12/31/2010

Hi Becky,
I am impressed all the counsel to "Pray"! That is the most powerful tool we can have and most important place to start!!!
Re-evaluating what we must have and what we can live with out can be a challenge, changing our ways. I too have lived my hubby working 2 full time jobs and me working, and it cost more for mom to work then dad without question, school of hard knocks, the cost coming in may forms! Reforming choices can be challenging, but I discovered a sweet delight in the challenge to see what I could do with my own hands. Financially many of our years, in dollar signs, some would have counted us poverty level, but it did not look or feel that way as the Lords provisions came in incredible ways more then just income, sometimes by savings, sometimes through other forms.
Here are some things I learned over the years very helpful:
movies? see what the local library has you can check out instead of going out, buying or renting.
meals: make meal plans you cook larger amounts to break up and put in the freezer for your own quick serve meals; Also got a slow cooker? amazing how much time and work this can lift off the end of your day.
IF you don't have cookbooks to stimulate good idea's, here again the library has blessed me over and over again, when you find one you really, really like, only then save to buy for your own collection.
Doctor expenses... health care: library, learn about natural food and herbal remedies to help some of those common basic needs.
Thrift stores can have some amazing finds, the cost: learning to humble yourself and learn to find an adventure as you hunt for needed treasures...
Here is a biggy for a mom needing to be a home, transition to cloth diapers, ditch the costly throw aways. There are now some really nice set ups for cloth with velcro covers that are really nice, this may be the biggest ticket item robbing you from being an at home mom.
Challenge yourself to look at what you have in your hands and see how you can creatively make it more affordable.
Cards and gifts I learned to make myself.
planting a garden this summer, freeze extra's for later winter use.
Grocery: learn to find places you can buy in bulk that may save you money and create a food pantry... etc. thinking back how our ancestors made it through the year in the yester years and make it work for your current setting! Teach yourself how to cook from scratch. I started with things like looking at the ingredients on the back of my favorite can of refried bean and bought those ingrients at a huge savings and began teaching myself how to make those foods instead of premade canned goods, I began to save money, that then gave me money to begin some bulk purchases from places like costco and slowly started building my food pantry.
I have been married for 26 years now, learning to do these things have transfered benefits to my daughters, One has become a chef the other has a home business of making cakes and teaching piano. My eldest now married is now using the herbal knowledge to save herself from having her gallblader removed and regaining her health.
Being disciples... means we are students, our life here is we are always students, and it is amazing the opportunities that come along to learn and grow and become stronger, to discover the abundance the Lord desires to bless us with is often beyond our imaginations.
Some addressed guarding conversations when you are tired cautions, take this seriously to heart! Be rested for such conversations, make notes when you have to wait, to help you wait, and reread your notes to remove the unwise things from your tired moments when you are ready to talk.
I could go on. but I think this should give you alot to chew on. Lord bless you as you seek Him for direction.
And don't disregard if He may lead you to sell your house for different living quarters as part of your solution, that may be part of the steps to a better road.

Cheryl - posted on 12/31/2010

I don't know what your financial status is. He is working two jobs? I'm thinking that you should let your job go with a two-weeks notice and stay at home and take care of the children. This would give you a chance to bind with your babies more and to relax and stop stressing out. You dont need to be having to take medication to relax. You're trying to do too much stuff. Maybe you could do work at your home on a part-time basis. It's not going to get any better unless something changes.

Heide - posted on 12/30/2010

Hi Becky,
My heart goes out to you and your family. Firstly, I think you should give yourself a HUGE pat on the back! I think you are doing an amazing job!! Gosh, looking after 4 under 1 and having to leave your own home to do it would be huge! I am pregnant with my 4th now and I know how busy I am with 3 sometimes I don't get dressed til late morning.
I agree with what everyone else has said in regards to keep praying! But I also think you should (if you're not already) tell your hubby how you are feeling and allow him to express his frustrations too. Perhaps better to talk when you're both fresh, like on the weekends, being tired certainly doesn't help. Do you have close family or friends around that could watch your son for a couple hours on a weekend or something? Perhaps you and hubby could go on a coffee date one morning or a lunch date? It sounds like the 2 of you both work long hours and when you get time off you probably need to sleep but if can have those couple hours together alone could help. My husband and I live far away from the rest of the family so we don't get to have 'dates' really either but on a Friday afternoon we have the kids looked after and we have an hour or so together, just go to the shops, grab a drink and do some grocery shopping, it's really nice to have even that little bit of time.
Really hope things work out for you sweetie.
Love, Heide.

Carla - posted on 12/30/2010

Will pray, Becky, that the trial is sped up so you won't feel the pinch so much. We all learn the hard way that it is better to listen for the Lord's Voice than to rush into something because we want it. You both are seeing that this was not such a hot idea, and are asking for help; I think the Lord will provide, as long as you understand when the insurance money comes in not to go crazy!

God bless, darling, the early years are tough, sometimes the middle and end years are, too! We are praying for you, remembering the times we have gone through stuff like this.

Becky - posted on 12/30/2010

thanks all. Ingrid, I live in Missouri , USA. Unfortnuately, no, there is no way i can not work right now. My husband had had a very good job, but shortly before our baby was born ,they let him and 15 other employees go.. so he had to start from scratch and settle with two very low-paying long-hour jobs. As for child-minding..our home is not yet set up to be safe to hold other people's children. (we have a beautiful upstairs but if we took in more children we would need our basement open..adn right now, it's under a lot of construction due to mold damage from flooding and rainfall this past year)
I am not spending much.. we have only been on 4 dates since our 9 month old was born as money is so tight.. we buy only necessities..

i wouldn't have to work if we hadn't moved into this house.... we both know this adn i think we both feel a bit of resignation that we had bought this home before truly feeling 100% from God and now we feel we're paying for it... bills on the house and now i have to take care of 1 yr old triplets and my baby ... i have been ill so much this past year just due to stres

thank you all for the prayers and thoughts. i'll sit down with my husband tonight and maybe we can go over finances again and figure somethign out... i do sometimes tend to want to buy the nice diapers and such rather than offbrand

i was in the hospital for a week following our baby's birth due to complications with my c-section, and my husband was in the hospital 2 months before that due to severe pneumonia, i also was in severe car accident jan 2009 and received therapy for 1 year...(we are waiting for our trial against the drunk guy's insurance who hit me) ..regardless all the bills are stacking up!

Ingrid - posted on 12/30/2010

oh Becky, sound like you are completely worn out.... I am a Christian Mom living in Scotland. I have 3 kids, my husband works & doesn't earn a lot, I have been a stay-at-home Mom since my kids were born. So we don't have much, just enough to get by, not many extra's. I worked as a nanny before I had my kids so I know the strain you can come under... Do you NEED all the money you & your husband are bringing in or could you survive on less? Your sanity is more important than money, it reflects in your relationship with both your husband & your son. I respect you for wanting to keep going till May but don't let it make you ill! I know God just wants what is best for you - Jeremiah 29:11. Keep praying honey but also give serious thought to what you need for yourself. Sorry I don't know how things work in USA (just looked - where are you??) - is there any way you could do childminding from your own home to earn some extra money but still be home? Does your husband listen to you when you tell him what you're going through? Oh honey, hang in there, sometimes when we've been short of money it 's amazing how God has provided. I've just read the other posts & notices someone else has given you the same verse as me & I hadn't read it before - honest! Must be the one for you. Hoping & praying you find some ways to ease your pain, Ingrid x

Raijeli Uluinaceva - posted on 12/29/2010

My sister, we are serving a God whose plan for us is to have a good future Jeremiah 29;11. I totally agree with sisters who have replied ealier...Pray,pray pray and believe in our great provider.I resigned from nursing in 2008 to be a full time mum to our fourth child. It was a struggle to my husband coz we are also doing payments to our house and not forgetting the monthly bills...But I made my stand and continue to believe and Trust this mighty God who said that He wii supply all my needs according to His riches in glory.I am praising Him everyday coz He has been meeting our needs since.Ask God to give u the wisdom and His direction to make the right decision.God wants both of u to enjoy your family life to the full.Stay connected to Him coz He knows what u are going through.U are in my prayers...

Misty - posted on 12/29/2010

All I can say is pray, pray, pray. My husband doesn't like to iniate prayer or reading together either. I just lead the prayers etc. I figure that when he's ready he'll lead, and if not, my daughter will still have the knowledge that I can give her.

Carla - posted on 12/29/2010

Oh, Becky, honey, this is the cry of so many women. We all understand what early marriage is like. Too much work and never enough money. But this is where faith comes in. Hubby is working two jobs. He can't do any more. You are working and taking care of the house the best you can, but it sounds like the house and your marriage are suffering! So I have to say (like I always do) pray, pray, pray. What does the Lord want you to do? Next, is to take a frank look at your lifestyle. Do you buy when it isn't necessary? Do you buy brand names? Do you drive new cars? Do you do a lot of going out to dinner, or cooking easy-to-make, more expensive dinners? This is also something most people have problems with. We feel like we need to live at a certain standard, and that is usually one step from what we can afford! At one time I had $20,000 worth of credit card debt, mainly for clothes!

God showed me that I could buy non-brand items on so many things and our family wouldn't die ;) Then He turned me on to Volunteers of America and Good Will. I can still dress very nicely for $10:) Of course, this came at a price--the letting go of my pride. I'm not saying this is your problem, but most people can pare down what they spend.

You both are worn to a frazzle! Something needs to give. Sit down together and figure out a budget and stick to it. Make a game of it to try to find what you want cheaper!

God bless, honey, this is what makes or breaks a marriage.

Becky - posted on 12/27/2010

thank you so much for the quick response... what an encouraging thing to read too! My husband and I both desperately want me to be able to be a SAHM..but with finances and needing to pay mortgage... it's just not going to be able to happen. We're praying God will open the doors to my husband getting better pay/or a job by this summer so i can just start working maybe twice a week (or even stay home if that's in God's plans).... sometimes our plans and hopes are not what God wants for us.. that's where it's getting hard as we both want me home...
we have no money to pay for childcare and if we did put him in childcare (which i REALLY don't want to do), then it'd have to be a pretty cheap place which i have hard time trusting....

Jennifer - posted on 12/27/2010

Prayer is such a powerful thing. Never stop praying, and never close your eyes to God's answer. Sometimes it isn't what you want, but God always knows best. One thing I have always done, is put my marriage ahead of just about everything (not ahead of God of course). A little over 2 years ago, we decided that I would be a stay at home mom. I loved it, but then came a time when my husband was having some health problems and missing a lot of work. Instead of praying about it, I blindly went out and found a job. I was certified as a nursing assistant, so that is what I found work doing. The only problem with that is that it requires holidays and weekends. Since my husband did work long hours when he wasn't sick, and I was working every other weekend, our marriage suffered. We realized the problem long before it got too serious, so I quit. Just recently, my husband's work has slowed majorly and we have fallen behind on some bills. I thought about working again, but with no sitters that don't cost a fortune living near or at least on the bus route of the school my older two attend, my only options were to not work or only work when my husband wasn't, which meant weekends again. This time I prayed (several times) Every time I got the same answer and that was for me to stay home. Amazingly, every month we have found the money to pay our mortgage, electric, gas, and food, and even a nice Christmas for my 4 children. All I can tell you is to pray, listen, and trust. If you follow God's will, he will always provide and your marriage will work.