Needing wisdom from anyone who's been where I've been...

Heidi - posted on 10/18/2009

I have been in your shoes, divorced from an abusive man that I for whatever reason married twice. He continued to be abusive after we were divorced and I always seemed to make excuses for his behavior when a counselor said stop, you are setting it up for your children to feel like you lied to them and you are by making there farther out to be someone he is not. I learned to just say I love your dad for giving me you three kids but I don't love your dad like a husband and wife, sometimes that's all they needed to hear. I also learned by telling them to show respect and love they were burying there feelings of being abused by him and that only made them angry and act out and as you must know by now children act out towards the one they know won't leave them or mistreat them. I finally taught my kids that all people are not kind even if they are your family, I also told them it was there farthers sickness and not because of them. I said to think how they felt sad or angry and how it wasn't healthy for them or what god wants for them so to not treat others like that becasue they know how it feels and then I told them all they can do is pray for there dad and when he is ready God will change his heart and if not there was nothing they could do except pray for him. I don't know if this is what will be helpful for you or your family but I can tell you my children and I are closer than ever and they no longer carry the anger or sadness of there father's actions because they know it's not because of them it's his issues and everyone has issues but that doesn't mean that you don't love them it just means they need Gods help and until they are willing to change there is nothing anyone can do. I truely do understand if I told you the things that my kids father has done to them mentally, emotionally,physically and recently I have found out sexually your head would spin. There is nothing wrong with being hurt or angry, god understands that's why we are human and he is god but you can not carry someone elses baggage only your own. I hope it helps.

God Bless,

Heidi

Anna - posted on 10/12/2009

My father was a missionary for 37 yrs in France. Our neighbor accross the street was in the same situation as you and often in the middle of the night would come to us for refuge from him. I saw how scared and hurt they were. I don't think that I will ever forget that. I am truly sorry that you and the girls had to go through such a thing. I agree with all the other comments and advice made for you. It made me think of the children's song "oh be careful little eyes what you see, etc..." We forget sometimes how what we say or do affects our children and often we don't even realize that they saw it or heard it. I understand them being agree, but I hope that they will be able one day to learn to forgive him and have peace in their life and you too. Until then, they will have a hard time, even later in life. I agree with Heather that the girls need to see through your life the love of Christ and how you treat their father in that manner. David McCasland said: " When the Holy Spirit urges us to release our grip on any attitude that keeps us from following Christ, we find true freedom in letting go." It's a hard lesson to learn. I will be praying for you and your daughters that God will give you peace and wisdom in all this. "God has not promised to keep us from life's storms, but He will keep us through them."

Jennifer - posted on 10/12/2009

This is where Scripture comes in that helps us get ourselves settled. Show them that although he has mistreated us, Scripture says we still honor him; we still do good to him, etc. They will decide whether they want to continue seeing him. But that doesn't absolve them from Christian responsibilities. That's a lesson that we all need every day.



I wish you well in this endeavor.

Heather - posted on 10/12/2009

I would ask them to look at your example. He did the same things to you, and to your children (them) who you love very very much. Let them know that you don't like what he did, and he hurt you very badly not only physically but emotionally. You could tell them how much you loved him when you first married him. Then ask them to look at how you treat him now. While you don't like him, you can chose to hang on to the anger and hurt that he caused you, and in that way allow him to keep hurting you. Or you can chose to forgive, which is what Jesus wants us to do, and then he wont be able to hurt you anymore. The little digs might actually give him gratification if he is that deranged, or they will hurt him. If they hurt him, how are they any better then him?

I have been abused by my stepfather. These are the things that helped me get past it.

Brandi - posted on 10/11/2009

They need to form an opinion of their father on their own. I divorced my oldest childs father when she was 3. I never bad mouthed him or his life to her even though for many years he had many problems. As long as he is not abusing them in any way, they need to be reminded that he is their father. My daughter Katy went through an angry spell in her teen years where she really resented her Dad and for good reason. But, I continued to encourage her to reach out to him and give him grace because none of us is perfect and he is her Father and deserves that from her. Its way better now and for that I am grateful.

Amy - posted on 10/11/2009

I never went through this but wanted to let you know my prayers and thoughts are with you at this time. It must be stressfull. Just remember the Lord is with you. He will never leave you nor forsake you. I love footprints in the sand. Know he is carring you throught this difficult time. May the Lord wrap his loving arms around you and give you and the children the Love and peace you need at this moment. God bless you now and always.