New and seeking advice. Can anyone help? Please?

Candis - posted on 06/26/2012 ( 25 moms have responded )

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Hi; I'm new to this forum and just wanted to seek advice from seasoned women. I'm planning to get married in four months. The guy I'm marrying is fantastic! We dated in high school and just remained the best of friends after all these years. Long story short, I'm 29 (soon to be 30) and am divorced after 6 years w/no kids. He is 30 w/full custody of an 8 year old boy and a 9 year old girl. His children love me and I love them which is not the problem. My problem is that I'm starting to panic. He's not saved nor do his children go to church but he does believe that God exists. He says he will go to church w/me on Sundays and I can take the kids with me any other time. I'm just so worried that there will be a conflict b/c of us being "unequally yolked". Also, I'm worried that I will be a good mother b/c again, I have no kids. Their mother rarely sees them (maybe once every two months if that) and I know that they are seeking the love from a "mother". I can relate b/c of my own child hood being so close to theirs. I just don't know what to do. And to top it off, I'm moving to another state where I will no nobody but him and his children. To top it off, I'm leaving behind my mother (who is suppose to eventually move in w/us) who is sick but she wants to focus on the wedding and not the fact that doctors give her a year unless she has a transplant which she won't even consider me as an option. She says if she leaves in a year then that's God will and she's okay w/that but I'm not. (another issue) I'm just......AAAAGGGHHHHH!!!!

Sorry to be so long and since I'm new dumping all my issues on everyone right off but I truly need help!!!! (My former pastor did pray and fast about my fiance and I getting married and he gave the okay just in case anyone wanted to know). Thanks so much in advance.

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Ellen - posted on 07/06/2012

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Very well put, Pat. I know from experience, (33 years of marriage to an unbeliever) that everything you are saying is true.
Candis, please seek Gods will in all of this. Its hard to hear, but we are just trying to keep you from lots of pain later on down the road. And I do mean LOTS. My marriage has been through so many ups and downs, I could write a book.
God bless.

Pat - posted on 07/06/2012

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Can't add much to these previous posts, however, if you were sure of your decision,you wouldn't be here asking.. so deep down, you know the decision to marry him is not a wise one, or you wouldn't need validation.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but don't marry him. I know you love him. Being unequally yoked will lead to so many problems,Candis. Yes, he agrees to go to church now, but he's not saved, so let's say he hears something that doesn't agree with him,refuses to go. Holidays and basic beliefs are not quite the same. He believes in God. Ok. What God? There are so many different ideas of God,they can't be counted. Assume at best,its the God of the bible. If he beleives that, then why isn't he saved yet? And one step further. Assume he gets saved right now. He is supposed to be the spiritual leader of the home. he would have a lot of maturing to do. not to say God can't, but I'm sad to say, you are asking for a lot of future pain. Marriage is hard enough as it is. But when going into a situation like this,against Gods plan, is asking for hurt. and I will say, and forgive me if I'm assuming,but I know how this goes... If you two are sleeping together before marriage, that causes problems also. I did it, and every couple I know(christians)who had sex before they married,are either divorced or having major issues. I'm not saying God doesn't forgive. I'm saying we get involved deeper than we should because we form that connection that should be within a marriage. I'm 42. Been saved about 9 yrs. Have been married twice. I won't make this post longer than need be, but feel free to message me if you want. My advice? Don't marry him. Focus on your mom. Heal. Pray. God will bring you a strong christian man in His timing. Better to hurt now,than marry and tear the family apart later. Would it be impossible to work things out? No,nothing is impossible with God, but you would be stepping into a whole lot of work that is difficult at best when two have the same beliefs. Sister, please know that as harsh as this all may sound, its out of love. I've been through some nasty stuff,and God has done so much to heal me, but had I stuck to what I knew God said to do,and not do, there would be a world full of pain in my and my familiy's life that wouldn't need to be there. Hugs to you, will be praying for you.

Carla - posted on 07/12/2012

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Patricia, your analogy to Boaz needs to be addressed. Boaz WAS a Jew. He practiced his faith according to his forefathers. Ruth was a Moabite and came to Israel with Naomi, who was also a Jew. So she, in essence, was the unbeliever in the family. When she saw the goodness of Ruth and Boaz, she turned her faith to God. IF Boaz hadn't had the Lord in his life, he would have been just another rich guy.

The Bible clearly states not to be unequally yoked with an unbeliever. This statement should be enough for us--don't do it! Sometimes Paul explained the 'why's of a matter, sometimes he did not. In this instance he says 'what has light and darkness got in common?' (The Allaire version) If you ponder this statement a moment, you will realize that it's like putting a tiger and a tasty goose together and then trying to figure out why the relationship didn't work. If a person is unsaved, then Satan is the controller in their life. Conversely, God is the controller of a Christian's life. Can you imagine God and Satan in a relationship? Ain't gonna work! And, we know it's way easier for a person to pull someone DOWN (the Newton principle), than to pull someone up. I've seen it and felt it personally.

Marriage is rough enough with the best scenario--put opposite agents together, and it will almost always be disastrous. I say this, not to discourage anyone, but to encourage wisdom and obedience. IF there is truly love in the relationship, it will wait until all parties are together with one mind. Paul pounds unity, unity, unity--in our churches and in our relationships. Where there is no unity, chaos is the result. If you honor God's Words, He will make the situation right--in time. But waiting for God's will is ALWAYS the right thing to do.

God bless, all

Pat - posted on 07/11/2012

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I agree with tonja about going to church doesn't make you christlike. No argument there whatsoever. However, you can't go into a marriage expecting anything to change. Tonja has been blessed with a man who might not be a consistent churchgoer,and thankfully upholds christian values, but this is the exception rather than the rule. I will stand by Gods word on this,"do not be unequally yoked". This isn't a matter of what appears to be perfect, but rather,ddoing what is right in Gods eyes. He gives us that warning to help prevent future hurt.

Linda - posted on 06/30/2012

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Candis......I was in your shoes 15 years ago. I had been divorced for 8 years. My 2 girls were 14 and 18. I never went out or was interested in dating. My church and friends there were my social world. I told my friends if God has someone for me, He will put him on my door step. Long story short, my family in NJ ( I live in Florida) kept telling me about this man that they were close with he was a good man, quoted scripture didn't date cause he couldn't find a girl who didn't smoke or drink, he'd never been married nor had any children, so on and so forth. A day came when I had to go to NJ to my grandmother's funeral and there we met. I felt God had planted him in my life. There was a tremendous attraction between us. He came to Florida to visit. My pastor and everyone that met him told me, he's not for you. I didn't listen. They saw & felt something I failed to see or feel. I wouldn't listen to them, I was in l o v e.....or so I thought. We got married and this man was a person I would've never even dated if I knew what I know now. He professes to be a born again Christian and he goes to church every Sunday, talks the talk but deep inside I know he is not what he claims to be. He has made major steps in the right direction with the Lord but I question his salvation. I have been miserable for years, but I am still with him because I will not divorce him. God was telling me through many people not to stay with him, I would be unequally yoked, but I thought I knew better, they didn't know him like I did and I just knew I could get him saved. God was speaking to me through my friends and pastors but I wouldn't listen. I'm not saying this is what will happen to you but do know in your heart that he is saved, have no doubts, don't rush into it like I did. Pray unceasingly and ask God to give you wisdom in this decision and to show you what He wants you to do. My heart goes out to you. I will keep you in my prayers and hope that you will make the right decision. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.. God Bless You.......

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Patricia - posted on 07/13/2012

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Wow, old trout hmm I may be heading in that direction better pay attention, love it. Take it easy Carla and nice meeting you in circle of moms.

Carla - posted on 07/13/2012

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Thanks, Patricia! I am a native Washingtonian, transplanted to Michigan. The idioms from region to region are quite a hoot! And, of course, we can't leave out Angela, from the UK with her famous 'old trout' to describe a grumpy old woman ;) Sorry, Angela, couldn't resist!

Patricia - posted on 07/13/2012

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Hi Carla, I'm a born and bred Illinoisian raised United Methodist however past 14 years nnondenominational and believe I picked it up their. I've been saying it so long I really am not sure, lol. Have a lovely.

Carla - posted on 07/13/2012

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Patricia, I had never heard of 'Boaz' in reference to a future husband. I kinda like it! Where are you from? Is that from your church, or from your part of the country? Anyway, thanks for clearing it up.

God bless

Patricia - posted on 07/12/2012

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Carla you are absolutely correct I said Boaz because many people think of their future husband as such. I also threw out information for her to think about and the most important was seek God. God always gives us a warning. Marriage is what you put into it. Saved or unsaved anytime two different people come together it is a learning process and work. People come into marriage with preconceived notions and the reality is it is a job or my favorite analogy it is like a rose bush it needs nurturing, pruning and through time it grows and has thorns (God) to protect it, (covering).

Pat - posted on 07/12/2012

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God's word says to not be unequally yoked. Period. Yes we love, yes,He can do the impossible, but the bible also says not to test Him. This isn't about cold feet, its about whether or not to to go ahead in Gods will. We don't make an unbiblical choice and ask Him to bless it,we walk in His ways and then we are blessed. Take it from a person who has been around the block. I say all this in love. Id rather see you hurt now than later when a family has really been put together. That hurts worse.

Patricia - posted on 07/11/2012

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Sounds like you are having jitters. The concern about you and future husband.

1.You knew he didn't got to church while you were dating so don't get cold feet now. You knew he didn't live in the same state also unless he took a job in another state recently.

2. if you believe God can do anything let your love of the Lord and your walk give him a desire to come to God and Church. If you nag him or try to brow beat him he will never come. Gods word says with LOVE AND KINDNESS DO I DRAW ALL MEN TO ME.

3. Where is your faith? Feed your spirit man with God's promises. Did you ask God was he the one or are you self willing something? Did you allow yourself time to heal from the divorce?

4 Fast and God will speak clearly to you.

5 Your mother's joy is to see you happy and if she is suffering we as people must learn to not be selfish and enjoy the time that you have with her so you don't get angry when God takes her home because we all will leave this temporary life for an eternal life.

6 Breathe, laugh and don't let the devil still your joy with nonsense. If he isn't the one, God gives us signs we just choose not to see it. Sounds like you are having premarital jitters.Enjoy your Boaz and new family. Life is an adventure and remember to communicate he is not a mind reader.

So ponder what I said and my job was not to upset you, yet make you look at what you're doing and make a Godly decision. Much success to you.

TONJA - posted on 07/11/2012

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I have twin stepsons and I married their father when they were 7. They are now 15 and are like my own. They hardly ever see their biological mom either because she is very unstable. I have no bilogical children yet(that another story for another time) but when I married their dad he promised to go to church with me as well. It started out ok but he evenutally drfifted to the point he hardly goes to church at all with us. However me and the boys go to church just about every Sunday and they participate in all of the youth activities at the church. Sometimes my husband comes and sometimes not. However because I was so grounded in God's word I did not let my husband attitude deter my feelings about church. He believes in God and is very spiritual. He is an awesome provider and a loving husband for the most part. (smile) However he does not like the religion has distorted the truth about true Christian values. He carries himself in a Christlike manner and he has no problem with me going to church. I would advise you to just walk the walk as a good Christian wife and step mother and keep praying for your husband to be. If he does not continue with going to church then continue to work with children and instill Christian values in them. If your husband is good to you and the kids then he is fulfilling his Godly duties as a husband. Remember being Christlike does not mean you have to go to chruch every Sunday. Some of the worse people in the world are in Church every Sunday. Don't get caught up in the what seems to be perfect. Ninety percent of the time I march up in my church sharp as a tact just me and boys. I use to be angry but one look at me and the boy them church folks know that my husband is taking care of home. Be Blessed and be strong in the Lord and the power of his might!!!

Angela - posted on 07/10/2012

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All I can say to you Candis, is that I'll really, really pray for you in order that your fiancé gets saved and gets into a personal relationship with Jesus, his Saviour, BEFORE you get wed.

All it means is that you wedding gets postponed for a while. Get your man and his kids along to Church NOW. Ask the Holy Spirit to reach your fiancé so his conversion is genuine and he's not just going through the motions to keep you happy. There's a lot at stake here. He needs a mother for his kids (as well as a wife he loves and I don't doubt that the 2 of you genuinely love one another) and he's pretty well going to agree to anything to get the family life he longs for.

I'm sorry to hear about your mother's health. She's in my prayers too.

Good luck and every blessing to ALL of you.

Anne - posted on 07/10/2012

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You can't marry a man expecting him to change and accept Christ through your influence. What would you do if he never becomes a beleiver and resists your children attending church. I have a friend who is a strong Christian and her husband is an atheist. he refuses to allow their two children to attend chrurch and learn about Christ. It has been years of heart ache for my friend. Please pray for guidance. God will show you how to move forward!

Kimberly - posted on 07/01/2012

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Take them to church. The kids will get Sunday school which I loved. No need to stress. Just say We are gonna go to church Sunday and go. He is not fighting you and that's good. As for Momma. Well do the wedding and go from there.

Carla - posted on 07/01/2012

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Prayin' for ya, Linda. Hind sight is always 20/20, isn't it?

God is THE God of the Impossible. Mark and I have had a VERY rocky road--for the first 30 years. When he re-dedicated his life back over to the Lord, things changed. We always think we know more than God--and the story is always the same--I think I can change him, I can get him saved, or in both your's and my situation the first time around, he told me he WAS saved, only to find out they had both lied.

So, bottom line, if you are contemplating marrying a man who isn't saved, don't. Wait for the Lord's leading, and you will never be sorry.

God bless, all

Ellen - posted on 06/29/2012

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Hi Candis. These ladies are giving you good, sound, biblical advice. I would just like to say, I know all too well, what it is like to be unequally yoked. It makes for a very tough road. I wasn't saved when we married, but shortly after that I accepted Christ.
It has been a long haul since. It interfered with "how to raise our children", and these were our own children, not steps. I wanted them to be raised with good biblical morals and standards, and my husband never backed me up. He said that was up to me.
And that was ok, till they reached the teens, and then it was disaster. And the kids saw that Dad didn't back me up, and you know what they say about "a house divided". It is not easy.
We have had other issues thrown into the mix, also. But the bible tells us that for VERY good reason. I know that this isn't what you wanted to hear, but please, PRAY, PRAY, PRAY and ask the Holy Spirit for HIS leading as to what to do.
I'll pray for you also.
God bless

Christina - posted on 06/27/2012

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Hi Candis! My goodness! LOL...i started to hyperventilate for you/with you! That is alot on one's plate to take in at crunch time! Wow...okay, first I'd like to say welcome! Second, after reading the other replies I believe they are all correct, but I'd like to add my 75 cents worth (haha).

Something you didn't mention was whether or not your fiancee is willing to go with you to chruch now (and his kids) before you get married. If so, perhaps you could encourage him to start going with you now. I take your word that he is a wonderful guy, and not knowing how involved you are within the church, I don't know how important it is to you that he is with you. Idealy we'd like for our spouses to attend with us, but I don't think thats a deal breaker in any form. Also, as a Christian woman (you), I believe the important part in this part of your concerns is whether or not he believes in the same God you do....the God of Abraham, Issac and Jacob....not some "divine entity"...that will not work unless you are willing to over look this fact that he is not believing the same gospel as you are.

Being unequally yoked is what we, as believers, are to avoid. However; you can't shut the barn door and worry after the cows have gotten out! LOL....You've already committed with him, so the big question for you would be....can you handle being the spiritual leader in the home for however long he is unsaved? Will he try to change your convictions after your married? You've already been given "signs" to answer those questions.....it's up to you to listen to the Holy Spirit and act upon God's word. Again, I do believe that we are to not become unequally yoked with an unbeliever, and now that I'm single I won't even entertain the idea of going on a date with a non-Christian, but these are my firm bounderies I've positioned for myself. Careful to not let yourself get caught up in the "rules" of the Bible, least it turns into "legalism". You mentioned that your Pastor said he fasted and prayed for you over this, but I'd advise you to do the same....and don't be afraid of the answer! This is, of course, a personal decision and in this situation I wouldn't suggest you to do anything without prayer.

Ahhh....your concerns with the kids are real, but I think you all will be alright. Kids only want to be loved....yea, played with and feed too....lol.....but if you have a great relationship with them now and if you are already spending time (living with them) them, then you've already established a great foundation. That one was easy!

As for your mama....well, I will have to politely disagree with her view point as to it being in God's will to take her! HE died on the CROSS so that we could have LIFE, and LIFE more abundantly! HE does not cause sickness nor does HE want us to accept this as our fate....we have been healed! Past tense....I will pray for your mama....bless her and her humbleness...lol...tell her to humbly pray AGAINST this sickness....and give her a hug...from this stanger that says to be HEALED in JESUS' name!

I wish you the best in all areas! I hope my looooonnnnggg response didn't ramble too much. Take care! Be blessed in all that you do/touch/walk! Christina

Carla - posted on 06/27/2012

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Both women have given you wise counseling--there's nothing I can add other than:

Marry in haste, repent at leisure.

Marriage is hard enough without each of you pulling in opposite directions--and with hubby pulling one way and you another, this is gonna be a constant battle. Satan will be pulling on him continually, and, as we all know, it's harder to pull someone UP than to pull them DOWN.

Pray hard, honey, God bless

Barbara - posted on 06/26/2012

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Forgot to mention.... you (we), as Christians, are certainly not infallible. We all fall and give in to sin. The beauty for the Christian is that we pick ourselves up, ask for forgiveness, and move on in an effort to improve in Christ. We are NOT perfect by any means. Let your new family know that you are not perfect and that you will fall down sometimes, but that you will get back up again, give your sins to Christ, allow Him to THROW THEM AWAY, then avoid the same pitfalls next time they attack! Christ died so that we have the option to ask for sincere forgiveness! Non-Christians need to know that a Christian RECOGNIZES sin, asks for forgiveness, then does better! Without this understanding, non-Christians will judge you harshly (they don't know any better and they still may continue to judge you harshly) But... it's always better to lay out your worldview from the get-go, so there are as few miscommunications as possible!

Linda - posted on 06/26/2012

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Candis, welcome to our forum. We try to give biblical advice here, so here goes. 2 Corinthians 6:14-16 says "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: “I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people.”

As hard as it must be, I really believe the right thing to do would be to call off the wedding. Regardless of what your former pastor said, the bible says otherwise. You could proceed with the wedding, but you will be out of the will of God and will probably experience heartache. You've already experienced one divorce, which I'm sure was painful. Don't set yourself up for another one. It would also be hard for his kids if this marriage didn't work out. Pray for him. Perhaps he will be saved....but don't rush to the altar if he becomes a Christian unless he has done it for the right reasons and truly believes.

I know this is hard to hear. I'm sorry. Perhaps he will eventually be the right man for you, but not now. I think it would be wiser to stay with your mom, especially while she is so sick. Gently and lovingly explain to him why you can't marry him now. Also, apologize for letting this relationship go so far. God needs to be first in your life--before your husband. I know the other women here can give you examples of what happens when you are unequally yoked. I have always instructed my children to never even date non-Christians so this doesn't become a problem. I'll pray for you.

Barbara - posted on 06/26/2012

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Tough position to be in and to be debating 4 months before a permanent (outside of infidelity) commitment! For me to discourage you from following through with the marriage would be assuming a lot of things about you, your relationship, and his children that I should never assume. On the other hand, you haven't tied the knot yet either. First, I would ask what your Spirit is telling you through dedicated prayer? You must be leaning more heavily toward one decision or the other (ignore emotion... emotions come and go!) The 1st question that comes to mind is: If this man truly loves you and wants to commit his life (and children) to you, then what is preventing you from continuing to date until he accepts Christ? On the othr hand, many people marry into an unequally yolked commitment (either out of ignorance or lack of care) and spend years either compromising their foundational Christian beliefs for the sake of the spouse or waging spiritual warfare with their spouse. In addition, you may have placed yourself (by choice) into this situation, but a commitment is a commitment in the eyes of God. Perhaps, your example will ultimately lead your spouse-to-be to salvation (and perhaps even change the lives of his children forever!) I guess that what I'm getting at is certainly not an answer to your question (because only the Spirit can answer that), but a fervent suggestion that if you do follow through with this marriage, then you are held to huge standards. Not only should you be sure to walk the Christian walk for your husband, but also for those children. Of course, you are not the ONLY influence on their lives, but know that all 3 will hold you as a huge example of a child of God and what that means. It's a huge responsibility! The question is: Will you persevere... even in times of what seem to be inconsolable with any of the 3 individuals who will be your family? I would suggest that you lean heavily on God and pray fervently. Sorry to give a non-answer!

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