No one ever told me...

Megan - posted on 08/13/2012 ( 8 moms have responded )

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Why is it that everyone always talks and shares about the joys of motherhood and the wonderful experiences I'll have, but no one ever told me about the overwhelming loneliness? The sheer isolation I would feel? I imagined my days as a stay-at-home mom blissfully whisking my 4 children off to play grounds and museums with other blissfully happy mothers and their children. I never imagined that I would actually spend my days at home alone cleaning, feeding, diapering, and other routine tasks of motherhood... I never imagined how badly I would long for my own mother who lives 1500 miles away in NY while I spend my days in the twin cities among other mothers who seem to not have the time nor the care to get together Why did no one ever tell me that I would feel like I don't "fit in" with the other mothers in the Mops group and how their children would seem not to want to play with mine? Why did no one ever tell me how I would wish for the clock to move just a little bit faster so I could see my husband walk through the door and I could hold a conversation with someone that is able to talk about something other than bugs or My little Pony? Why do I know that God is always with me but I cannot feel Him amidst all the loneliness? Why can't I combat this overwhelming feeling of isolation? No one ever shares how hard it's going to be to give up yourself for your children. No one ever says that watching your husband walk out the door to work every morning would bring tears and frustration.... No one ever mentioned the loneliness.

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Carla - posted on 09/02/2012

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Nice, Shannon :) And when I said you will look back on these days and wish for them some day, I was speaking truth. My children are 46, 44 and 39. I am now watching my grandbabies grow up and feel the empty nest once again. There's something about having those precious, innocent eyes look up into your face and say 'I love you, Mommy', and in my case, 'I love you, Grammy' that makes life worth living.



If we can slow our lives down and take the time to count our many blessings, we will be happier. I have tried to savor each moment of my grandchildren's lives, yes, even the times I have to put them in the naughty spot, knowing I will never get today back, so I had better enjoy it! Remember also that we are doing the Lord's work in raising good Godly children that will one day take over where we left off, so remember, when they are stomping your last nerve ending, that this little person is going to one day mimic and raise their children the way you do them. They will be raising YOUR grandchildren ;)



God bless, loves, pray for patience, for Him to be your Friend and Husband while your husbands are away from you.

Shannon - posted on 09/01/2012

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Megan,

I completely understand! I am a mother of 2 under 3 and right now my Navy hubby is sailing until after Thanksgiving! We are quite new to the area, and other than a sister in law have no family in the area.

Whenever I get down, I am reminded by my neighbour who lives behind me of her mother of nine children whose husband was in hiding for three years during WWI (they are Dutch, and didn't want to work for Hitler)-- she was all alone with 9 kids for three years!

The easy decision is to sit and eat all day while folding laundry, but it won't help the lonely feeling. You need to suck it up, and remember that you are a strong, independent, beautiful woman (who also happens to be a mom)

Step One: Have a shower and make yourself up every AM-- looking good does a whole lot for how you're feeling

Step Two: Go to kids groups whether you feel you fit in or not; sooner or later there's bound to be another mom that doesn't fit in, and at least you'll have someone to complain with

Step Three: Remind yourself of the blessings of being fortunate enough to stay home; know this is only temporary, the diapers won't last forever!

Step Four: schedule a break; if your hubby isn't home, find a teenager who'll come babysit your brood for a couple of hours a few days a week; the money will be worth it to know you'll be getting out to the Gym, for a walk, to sit by the water and scream...

Step Five: Have a sense of humour about it all; write down sarcastic funny stories about My Little Pony stomping on bugs, or Dance every afternoon with your kids to your favorite music---- MAKE yourself have some fun!!!!!!

--------- YOU are not alone, the poster that said, "the other side of the fence is greener" is right---------- God'll never leave you, nor forsake you-- he'll also not give you more than you can bear--------------- Thanks for your post--- it's nice to remind myself that I'm not alone, either!!

Anne - posted on 08/22/2012

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Have you looked in the local chapter of MOPS "Mothers of Pre-Schoolers"?



Every one else gave you great advice I Will keep you in my Prayers!

Carla - posted on 08/22/2012

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Excellent, Carrie!

Megan, honey, while you are in the midst of the daily grind that is raising children, you can't see the joys you will look back on when they are gone, and actually MISS these days!

I had to work most of the time my kids were growing up. For those brief times that I was able to stay home, I treasured them. I think it's a case of 'the grass is always greener on the other side' thing. When you are working, you look at the sahm with envy. It's the nesting instinct that God puts inside us in order to promote family. When you are a sahm, you look at the woman walking away from her children in her business suit off to some important meeting, and you feel worthless. My kids used to hang on my knees and cry 'please don't go, Mom!' It broke my heart.

Stay at home moms are a gift from God. You are there to see your kids first steps, first tooth, first smile. You are there at the door when your kids come home from school, and are there to help with their homework. This IS a mission, just like a missionary going off to Africa. Yes, you 'give up yourself for your children', but that's what being a mother is.

My personal feelings are that if you can possibly afford it, stay at home with your children. The benefits you gain far outweigh postponing your career. We will stand before God and give an accounting for how we raised our children. Some women have to work--I was one of them. But this mindset comes from almost 50 years of raising children and grandchildren. My opinion isn't very popular but, to me, raising children is one of the most noble professions there is. We are shaping human beings to become responsible, God-fearing adults. What job is more important than that? I know I am going to get a firestorm over this, but this is my opinion, not an edict from the Lord.

God bless, honey. Talk to the Lord. He understands.

Carrie - posted on 08/21/2012

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Megan,
My heart aches for you! I too have been there, it's been almost 10 years for me. But, I have had to make myself grow closer to God, learn from my loneliness and isolation, and know I may never meet other's expectations or have a close friend, I have struggled because I LOVE to be around people and share stories, drink coffee, and just have fun, But, I draw on the Lord and His love for me, I know He knows me and understands me and has done a tremendous amount of work in and through me, painfully at times, but it's worth it. My only friend is Jesus, my hubby, and my 4 kids (but I've learned they'll drop me like a hot rock over cookies, candy, and attention from others)...
So, in saying all this, I will pray for you. I know how you feel. It hurts and it's lonely. Take this time to draw on God and allow HIm to teach you and show you things that u cannot even imagine. He is near the broken hearted and sees every tear you cry.
If possible, try to get a break and take walks, just to have alone time to talk with God. Ask Him to bring you the right friend that you can have fun with and confide in in HIs timing. He knows your hearts desires and He has a perfect plan.
For me, it's been 10 years and I'm just now really able to work parttime and be around some adults. But, I wouldn't call them friends and they can't help my loneliness. But, it is nice to have a break from kids and be around other people and serve them the best I can!
Message me anytime.
Blessings to you and your family!!!

Angela - posted on 08/13/2012

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Don't know what they have in the USA - I'm British. We have Meet a Mum Association (MAMA) and you can read about it here:

http://www.mama.bm/

(that's the Bermuda branch!!)

and here:

http://www.mama.co.uk/

(the British branch)

Do you not have something similar in the USA?

I'm sorry for your isolation. It's an awful thing to bear. I had the same trouble years ago (my oldest is now 32 and my youngest is 23). I believe it impacts on your relationship with your child as well. You long for adult company. However delightful your little one is, you yearn to be able to talk about current events, about things of adult interest and childcare, shopping and houseword do NOT satisfy.

Wishing you the best, you're in my prayers.

Brooke - posted on 08/13/2012

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I have been feeling the same way since my twins were born. I long for adult activities and conversation. To help with this my husband and I put date nights on the calendar and I have a few nights or days every month where I can have "me" time. Maybe I'll get a pedicure, go out with friends, or take a nap. I don't know, but it's time my husband will have the kids and I can get out. Like the last poster said, look into church. I watch who my oldest is playing with in her room and I try to connect with that parent each week. Over time we get together and start building a friendship. What about joining a small group at church? I am a strong believer in that. The people in your small group are the people you are choosing to do life with. They'll be there for you during the ups and downs and they'll be praying for you. On top of that, you'll refresh your faith in God and his promises. There are days I count down the minutes until my husband walks in. Sometimes, if the days really bad I will bring the kids to his office for lunch. The kids think it's a fun little outing and I get out of the house and can have a face to face conversation with someone other than a 4 year old. Hang in there, things will get better! Praying for you!

Lukithia - posted on 08/13/2012

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I understand where you are I have been. Can you look back and see in childhood and adolesence and see you didn't really fit in and have many girl friends? That's me so motherhood and marriage caught me as they did you. I made friends with older women whose children were either grown or close. They are available to talk to and have better chances of being able to pop by while your kids are napping or playing in the back yard. They are usually less stressed and a well of advice. Look into your church family for those women. Praying for you. Feel free to message me any time and if you need to talk I can give you my number.

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