not forgetting about your husbands needs

Faye - posted on 04/23/2009

Wow! You sound exactly like me. It is extremely difficult when they are so small, bacause they have alot of needs which have to be met. This has been a thorn in my own marriage for a long time. Lately, my husband has been putting our two-year old to bed while I put our 8-month old to bed. After that, we only spend time with eachother until bed. I did finally have to tell him that I needed more help with the housework, even though I am a stay at home mom currently. With babies around, it's hard to get alot done. But really, it comes down to priorities. I read a book by Gary Thomas called Sacred Parenting for a moms small group once and it helped me alot. Basically, aside from urgent needs and similar things, order of importance in a household is mother and father THEN children. I have to force myself to remember this everyday. We live in a child-centric world though. It's hard to make time, but it's necessary. What are little ways to show love? I would try to speak to his love language. The best thing to do is pray for yourself and your husband and your marriage. Thank you for posting this, it was wonderful to hear and I hope that God blesses you and your family!

Heather - posted on 04/23/2009

You have gotten so much great advise!! I would like to share that my husband often tells me that he wants to help, he just doesn't know what to do. I hate asking things of him because he does work all day, but when I know he wants to spend time together I say, hey I need to do these two things, if you want you could pick one then we could watch a movie or something. He also loves it when I come up with something for us to do together. Let him know that you want to spend time with him too. My husband loves love notes in funny places, like his shirt pocket, or steering wheel. Something simple like a sticky note that says I love you. I hope that you have found the encouragement that you need from the above posts. The ladies in this group are very amazing women, including you. I have prayed for you and your husband. Keep looking to God and you will do just fine.

Di - posted on 04/22/2009

Jennifer, you have received great advice and I want to add my agreement to it plus add a little bit too. I have found the easiest way to free myself up some is to say to my husband, if you help me (eg with the dishes and cleaning the kitchen) I will give you a back rub or some nice thing just for him. I also some mornings say to him hey darling it would be really nice if you would organise something for dinner, either you cook it or organise to get it takeaway or organise a babysitter and go out for dinner. By him taking some of the burden off you will lift your spirit and make you feel more loving towards him. The most important thing is if he does these things, is to say thank you and tell him how glad your heart is. O and one more thing, apart from breastfeeding I know he would be capable of doing anything else that you do for your baby, although he might do it a little differently to you. It helps them to bond and includes him. My husband comes home from work and bathes our boys so that I can prepare tea. I don't care how he does it just as long as it gets done. Good luck. I will be praying for you all.

Barbara - posted on 04/22/2009

I have an infant and a toddler and I totally understand where you're coming from. My husband does help out a whole lot though. But what Carolee says is so true. I had to realize I can't get everything done. I do the most important things and I do the bigger tasks in incriments. Also maybe once a month or so, I try to get one of my sisters to babysitt so we can go out or do something. We need our own time, and that seems to work out pretty well.

Ashley - posted on 04/22/2009

I agree with one of the previous posts. You need to ask your husband to help out a little. Sometimes men are clueless as to what actually goes on during the course of the day for a mom....whether she works an office job or stays home with the children. I struggled with this for years. My husband and I have 3 children now and we both work full time jobs. He has gotten so much better with each additional child. We now have a system that works for us. He has to be at work earlier than I do, so I take care of the kids' needs in the mornings and get them to where they need to be before I go in to work. He gets off before I do so he picks our daughter up from school and starts laundry and dinner when he gets home. Then when I get off work, I pick our boys up from daycare and by the time we get home, dinner is ready or well on it's way to being ready. We have found that when we work together to get everyday tasks done, it allows us to have more time together afterwards! Good Luck! ***Hugs***

Rebekah - posted on 04/22/2009

It's hard to find a healthy balance - but it will happen. It took me a little bit to find it, but now that I have it, things are working out. But I rarely get to see my husband now because he works late hours, so I attempt to get everything done Mon-Fri, so the weekends are free for us to enjoy as a family! :)

Kathy - posted on 04/22/2009

My husband ended up resenting the girls because I spent my time with them and yes I forgot he had needs but I was so caught up with their needs but you know I think that in our humanity we only can do so much. At counselling my husband was told to help a little to free up my time so I can spend time with him. You have my prayers.

Anne - posted on 04/21/2009

Hi Jennifer, I am almost 54 and my husband and I will be married 30 years in December. Our daughters are adults now 21 and 25. These are some of the things I have done over the years. Pick what would work for you and forget what does not work for you from my post. I pack my husbands lunch every morning. I do this for both of us because I do really enjoy doing this for him. I have put love notes in his lunch, sent him e-mails, and called him once in awhile just to tell him I love him. One of our favorite things to do is have a candle light dinner. I some times make something special but I have even made nachos. I have found that no matter what I cook if I put candles on the table we relax and talk more to each other. The most important thing I do is Pray for him every day. Our schedules are such that I get up get a slice of Banana Bread and make his lunch and the coffee. When he sits down I Pray while he eats. If you have children at that time of day maybe you could Pray for him at dinner, Or you could Pray for him and any other concerns and the next night or morning he could be the one to Pray. Because of health issues I have, I have trouble sweeping the floor and scrubbing it so he does these things for me. BUT I have learned I need to ask for his help. One thing to remember this last only for a season, and with Gods help you can get through this time. Do you have any one who you could ask to come in and watch the children so you could take a nap once or twice a week. I do not know where you live and what the rules are that you have to follow so that may or may not work for you. If it would maybe you could find a mother that needs child care and would not mind trading a few hours of care for a few hours of help or cleaning. Also if you cook things that can easily be used for more that one meal either as "Planed Overs" aka left overs or changed slightly A chicken or beef could become soup or stew or even burritos. I Will Be Praying For You and Your Family. I agree with Carolee with rare exception house cleaning can be set aside or scaled down some days. My mom used say our house was clean enough to healthy and dirty enough to be lived in.

Tanny - posted on 04/21/2009

What a touching prayer request! Know that I will be praying for you....GOD is good and no good thing will He withhold from those that love Him...GOD bless you and your lovely family.

Carolee - posted on 04/21/2009

Almost Every mom I know has been through this . I had to realize that i couldn't do it all too . so I Scheduled time for the important things and everything else had to wait ! H House work will wait !So schedule it every other day . On the nights you put it aside for more important things{ like your husband}, a long bath ,quiet time , the list goes on ! You don't have to do it all :} You are more important than anything else .If you are not happy everyone else feels it . Hope to talk with you later.

Carolee - posted on 04/21/2009

Almost Every mom I know has been through this . I had to realize that i couldn't do it all too . so I Scheduled time for the important things and everything else had to wait ! H House work will wait !So schedule it every other day . On the nights you put it aside for more important things{ like your husband}, a long bath ,quiet time , the list goes on ! You don't have to do it all :} You are more important than anything else .If you are not happy everyone else feels it . Hope to talk with you later.

Carolee - posted on 04/21/2009

Almost Every mom I know has been through this . I had to realize that i couldn't do it all too . so I Scheduled time for the important things and everything else had to wait ! H House work will wait !So schedule it every other day . On the nights you put it aside for more important things{ like your husband}, a long bath ,quiet time , the list goes on ! You don't have to do it all :} You are more important than anything else .If you are not happy everyone else feels it . Hope to talk with you later.

Carolee - posted on 04/21/2009

Almost Every mom I know has been through this . I had to realize that i couldn't do it all too . so I Scheduled time for the important things and everything else had to wait ! H House work will wait !So schedule it every other day . On the nights you put it aside for more important things{ like your husband}, a long bath ,quiet time , the list goes on ! You don't have to do it all :} You are more important than anything else .If you are not happy everyone else feels it . Hope to talk with you later.