over worked and underappreciated... marriage feels hopeless

Leann - posted on 02/23/2010 ( 10 moms have responded )

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my husband and I have been married for about 8 1/2 years, and it has always been kind of rough. He is not the easiest person to live with, and he has left a trail in his life of broken relationships.
I have some baggage of my own, I have been mistreated many times and it is hard for me to trust any one.
Any way, I work 2 jobs, plus have a 1 and 3 year old I take care of every day, and volenteer some in our church, help some disabled family members and take care of all the household paperwork and appointments and keep track of bills, holiday and birthday planning, cleaning, organizing, meal prep, ect., and for some reason my husband views me as lazy. Every body else says they don't know how I do it, they view me so differently than him. At home, I am not allowed to relax- always to clean (atleast that is how he makes me feel; he complains and gives me a hard time if I get on the phone, internet, lay down for a rest). When I am with my family and God- forbid I spend any time with friends... I get an ear full, and sometimes while I am on the phone at the person's house. He says I should be at home cleaning, ~that I am wasting my time going to my parents or sisters house or whoever, but CLEANING is what I am doing all the time!
No matter what I do around the house, he still complains and nags me to the point where I don't want to be around him. I can't stand it, this fighting has been going on for years - just more frequent and persistant. I have tried to change, I have tried to get organized and make him happy, and he is so arguementative all the time and never notices what I do. He has lost patience with me, and I feel hopeless; wondering if he will EVER be satisfied with me. We don't really have a relationship, we might watch tv together, but don't really spend time together we have never gone on vacation together - between money issues and him "getting stuff done" attitude instead of spending much needed time with his family. And, with him so grouchy, why would I want to spend any time around him?
With his attitude, I don't want to be around him, or be married to him any more even. I just feel stuck. And, lately have even been feeling weak and tempted to cheat. I crying out for help, prayer, suggestions....ladies? I would appreciate any thing right now. I have felt rejected for so long, because it's not just his constant complaining and nagging (which is enough in itself!), it is also cursing at me, calling me vulgar names, and I have forgiven him so many times, and he still does it, and it hurts.

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Angela - posted on 11/24/2013

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H'mmm, this is an old thread - it said "last update one day ago from Dawn Glasco - but Dawn posted nearly 4 years ago!!

The Mods might like to close this thread.

How are things going for you, Leann? I read your opening post & wondered if your husband was my EX-husband, LOL!!

* No vacations together or as a family
* No quality time - doesn't seem to value your company
* Obsessed with housework getting done and regarding it as YOUR "duty"
* Complaining about you having friends
* Name calling, verbal abuse
* Money issues
* Regular criticism
* No investing in his relationship/marriage

And would I be right in saying I bet you never get a word of approval or praise?

Well, I've been there too. In the end, I left him. Abuse kills love. But first it kills self-esteem, and gradually kills any level of joy in a marriage. For some people - they don't even recognise the damage their partner's abuse has done. That's because the abuser grooms the victim into thinking they're responsible for their lot in life - including shoddy treatment from a partner. My friends were barely tolerated, his friends were put above ME. Any "task" that I did sitting down, wasn't proper work. This included sewing, breastfeeding, paperwork etc ...... So he accused me of overfeeding the baby to get out of doing other work (also didn't appreciate that breastfeeding really does drain energy out of a mother), and stuff like sewing, mending etc .... he said "these can be done AT YOUR LEISURE" - meaning when I'd got 'proper' jobs out of the way.

Strange, isn't it? How "leisure" for a man means going to a pub or someplace where he meets his friends, drinks alcohol etc ... and has a pleasant time - all whilst the wife is at home, minding the children - and he's NEVER willing to mind those kids (either daytime or evening) in order that his wife can maybe have a night out with HER friends! Or indeed any time spent on a hobby, either at home or elsewhere. Oh no, her "leisure" time is to be spent darning his socks ....... Give me strength!!

You posted nearly 4 years ago. I daresay you've left him now.

Dawn - posted on 03/01/2010

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You need to hand this over to the Lord. Taking care of your husband and children should be your number 1 priority.Learn to say "no". I know how it feels to be overloaded and crabbed at. I had somebody say this to me and it made all the difference. I will be praying for both of you.

Tah - posted on 03/01/2010

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it sounds to me like you are in a abusive and controlling marriage..have you tried marriage counseling with the preacher?...you are taking on alot. What is the relationship you and he have with God...Do you have one with him,,does he?...Let me tell you something..If someone isn't happy with themselves then guess what..they can;t be happy with you..try God first and foremost and secondly be honest with him about how you feel...don't yell, write him a letter and give it to him one day then take the kids out for a couple hours while he reads it..be sepcific, "the day you said this and that to me made me feel, unloved and unappreciated, it hurt me to no end and everytime you say those things...it lays another vrick on the hurt." Let him know that you love him and, tell him what things made you fall for him and how you just want that back and how you think you guys need to strenghten your relationship with God, and each other. Schedule counseling and tell him when it is and even if he foesn't go...you go...so he knows you are serious. You can only be responsible for yourself...

Helen - posted on 02/24/2010

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Hi Leann, I am so sorry for what you are going through, it sounds incredibly hard. I commend you for being strong and keeping going throughout the tough times you have had for many years. What Sally says is so true, when it feels like no-one appreciates what we are doing or what we go through, God is there and sees all. He knows the struggles you are having, that you feel criticised and underappreciated, that you don't get the freedom to see people and have the time to relax that you deserve, that things in your marriage are tough and hard work and hurting you. Keep praying to Him for strength and help. "The Power of a Praying Wife" is a book that came to my mind too, as it really helped a friend of mine who was struggling with her husband's inability to do anything around the house to help her and she was so fed up and at her wits end. It taught her that instead of just hoping that her husband would change and trying to get him to change by nagging at him and getting upset, taking it all to God in prayer was actually the answer. Every day she prayed for him, and over time he changed and learned to appreciate her. Now they actually share jobs, when we have been for dinner at their house he shared the cooking and the clearing up! God is all-powerful and can work a miracle in your marriage. I cannot see into your situation though, I am sad that he calls you names and is disrespectful in the way he talks to you, but if he is phsyically violent towards you or your children in any way please disregard much of my advice - still pray for your husband but do not stay in a situation where you or your children are unsafe. Marriage is a gift from God, but I believe that physical abuse is the one situation where He would understand and even want someone to get out of that situation and make themselves safe. Praying for you and lots of love,

Helen xx

Sally - posted on 02/24/2010

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Leann, I hear your heart speaking. It is extremely stifling and frustrating to live under constant criticism. It can feel so much like a spirit killer. I don't have an answer for you other than what I always turn to in situations I feel like I'm up against a brick wall or feeling hopeless-- I simply turn to prayer with all my heart and soul. Ask others to pray for your situation. I will pray for you. Perhaps their is a pastor or women's leader at your church you can talk to as well. Would your husband be willing to seek couseling for the two of you?? "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian, is a book I thought had some good insights/ inspirations. Each day, each moment turn over to the Lord and ask for strength in your suffering. Hold your head high knowing within yourself the specialness of all you do despite any critical spirit that tries to bring that down. I have no idea how to post a video to FB, but there is a very inspirational one a friend of mine posted I think is beautiful and may speak to you in some small way. It is called " The Invisible Woman" and if you go to utube and type that in it should pop up. It is a woman talking about feeling unappreciated and invisible but in a comparison to the unknown great cathedral builders of history she comes to see that in all the things she does big or small whether anyone else sees--God sees all! .....not one thing we do, thought we think, suffering we feel, or struggle we withstand and overcome goes unnoticed by Him! Lastly, I believe people that are abnormally focused on busyness, on things, on extreme order etc that it dominates their life so out of balance are people afraid or in pain or unconciously avoiding digging deeper into themselves. It just personally helps me to remember that at times when I am stuggling with my own bitterness toward someone who mistreats me. They are separate from God and they need prayer for their own struggles within. It can help soften my own heart and keep my own connection with God strong. These are all just things that help me in my walk of life, marriage etc. Maybe one bit can speak to you but in any case I will pray for you and your family. Take care.....God Bless

Heather - posted on 02/23/2010

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I will keep you in my prayers. Keep looking to God, He will bring you through this.

[deleted account]

I hear ya. It almost sounds like he takes out you what he knows he's not doing! He should not be ragging on you for a untidy house if you have no place to put the stuff that he feels is making it untidy...especially if your waiting on him to get a project done so it has a place to be put. We've been in that situation where we lived in a very small house and had stuff that just laid around because there was no place to put it. So my husband build me a bigger house, haha! (I guess we could have gotten rid of our junk, but we had another baby and were planning on having our fourth very shortly after so we were need of more room anyway!)
I hope someone will read your dilemma and be able to help you. I've never been in this situation, I've never really known anyone who has been in this situation, my "advice" before, was really more of an idea! I've heard of a lot of people who start running into big problems when they stop spending that quality time together as a couple, and that was the first thing I thought of when I read that you and he never spent any time together. I pray everything works out Leann.

Leann - posted on 02/23/2010

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Hi Sheelah,
Thanks for reading my problem....
the unfortunate thing about my problem, is that this is a vicious cycle.
When I think I am doing well, getting a lot accomplished, he doesn't notice. But, he will notice something else I haven't got to yet and just run it in to the ground. I mean, he will just dash my heart all to pieces, just KILLS the romance. I mean, I might have had plans to cuddle with him while watching a movie that night, and when he goes off on me and starts cursing at me, ect., it completely turns me down/off- and I don't WANT to spend any time with him. I am like a balloon completely without air, I have nothing to give when he tears me up inside like that.
Like for instance, we have these 2 rooms we have been trying to switch for years! But, it is mostly his project, because one of the rooms is currently his office, but all of his things need pulled out, and put up in the new office. Then, we can pull my desk out of the garage come spring/summer and set up my office (designated for our daughters home-schooling). But, this project has been started BEFORE Hannah was born, and imagine- she is going on 4 years old! So, for right now- the dining room table IS my desk, and all our paperwork has to be filed in the diningroom; the table gets cluttered and it really is his PET-PEEVE. He decided that after I scrubbed the kitchen floor and did a bunch of other nice things around the house ~ that instead of noticing and saying what a nice job I did or that he appreciates it, he decided to nag at me for the dining room table... I will keep you posted gotta go....

Beth - posted on 02/23/2010

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Hi, I have been married for almost 8 years myself, and we've had trials and tribulations too. Does your hubby go to church with you? Perhaps try for one week to be aware of your tendency to criticize...focus on what is not there and comment on it. .....try to focus on what is right...search for things to praise him about maybe once a day....hearfelt.., even though it may be hard, even if he snaps back, just once a day....praise on the children, perhaps negative thinking will turn into positive over time.. Perhaps counceling with your preacher, within your church, or someone you both feel is equally to the both of you (christian based), once you can get some new tools..prayer prayer prayer....will pray for you and your hubby...

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I don't claim to know much about anything, but maybe the fact that you and your husband don't spend very much time together is part of the problem? I don't know how you'd go about doing this as it sounds like there's quite a gap between you, but try to rekindle the love. (?) If you have the extra money would you consider going a trip? Not necessarily a tropical get away, but go spend a weekend at a hotel or something? Men are weird sometimes. Maybe he just misses you? I sincerely hope everything works out!

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