really need parenting advice

Amanda - posted on 04/25/2011

pat i had that same trouble when my daughter was that age.takeing stuff away is good thing to do.and adding chores are good to.with my daughter i told her if she wants to be grown up then she must do every thing for her self. she ask for money i told her to get a job then she said i can't i not 16 or 18 mama then. your then need to think about not have a boy friend. when she got a little old she had one in high school. and he got what he want then drop her during school hours. she can tell any girl guys are no good at that age. i'm praying for you and may god bless you.

Sonja - posted on 04/24/2011

Here's my opinion... for what it's worth. You've given her your opinion. You know he's not a good choice. You can punish her, lecture her and continue to voice your opinion... and when he hurts her, breaks up with her or she finally comes to her senses about him - she won't feel comfortable coming to you out of fear of hearing "I told you so". OR - you can provide guidelines to be followed. For instance, my son is 13 as well and we're dealing with the same girlfriend/boyfriend issues. He has a cell phone and a facebook account. I check both nightly. There will be no texting/calls after 8pm on a school night and 9:30 on the weekends. Any "dates" are "family events" - for instance, my son is more than welcome to invite any of his friends - girl or boy to come to church with us. If he wants to do something with her, we plan a family function and basically "double" with them. It's a great way to keep in touch with what's going on in his life.
Sometimes, those "girlfriends" that my son has are just to be able to say he has one... and I know the girls feel the same way. It's a way to fit in.
I wouldn't make too big of a deal out of it. Keep the lines of communication open so that she knows you'll be there when she needs you. Tell her you trust her to make good decisions and that you know she'll act appropriate.
As far as the boy being an atheist... probably not. He's probably just being rebellious and questioning things... maybe being around you and your daughter in a postive, loving environment would be the best thing for him. Pray about it and let God lead you!

Valerie - posted on 04/24/2011

sometimes the most effective punishment is your disapproval...if she doesn't respect your wishes you might like to look inside and ask yourself if you are giving her the same respect that you expect? this is not a put down just an observation...and know that all kids test limits and boundaries...some parents talk to the other child's parent and that is the punishment...i have never found control an effective parenting tool...more of a losing battle...i would work to have conversations to discover what this relationship means to your daughter...what need is it filling...my experience with teen girls in junior high was the dating scene was short-lived and then put off until high school by them...they found the boys maturity level unacceptable all on their own, lol.....all the best

Pat - posted on 04/24/2011

thanks, i guess im doing ok then! it isnt dating, its lunch at school and some phone/text time at home. she doesnt have much opportunity at school since i pick her up right when school is out. im not dumb, i know they can find someplace to mess around if they want. I didnt forbid anything cuz she is like me and yes, she would be that much more determinined to be with him. he isnt good news and im not just saying that cuz of this, he had emotional problems and seems to be manipulating her a little and although she denies it, he is an atheist and hmmm within a couple weeks of really talking to him, now she is rejecting God and the bible. granted, her stepfather who molested her was continually preaching and was very controlling..between the two,i can see why she isnt interested in God. I have reacted very calmly because i dont want her to not open up to me in the future and especially since im single mom now, her papa is a very liberal flake..so i need to keep her close. i know she is looking for a guy to love her, and although i know its jesus she needs, she is thinking this kid is it. i figure summer is coming up soon, and we live too far from school for it to be an issue of the sneaking out type stuff(we commute so she is still in the school she grew up in). i told her if i see any drastic changes in her personality or if there is a problem with this boy, i wont hesitate to call his mom. so i didnt drop the axe on her, but let her know i dont appreciate her disobeying me. if there were more opportunity for messing around, i probably would be more ticked off, but at this point..nah. thanks ladies!

Heather - posted on 04/23/2011

The book Linda suggested was recommended to me countless times as a teen, by other teens! I have never been able to read it, but after all of the recommendations that I got for it, I will still second her recommendation.

Linda - posted on 04/23/2011

I agree with Rebekah and Heather. What does she mean by "having a boyfriend"? A lot of times at this age, it is just talking on the phone and texting. Often, it only lasts a few weeks to a few months, and then they "break up". Having the boy over to your house is a good idea--get to know him. Maybe you need to redefine the terms....tell your daughter that if she wants a boyfriend, you've prayed about it and you've come to some decisions. She can have that boyfriend, but there is no going out with him alone. She may see him at school, and talk with him on the phone, and he may do things with your family. That's it. That may be enough for her for now. It's probably too late to change your daugher's mind, but I would at least recommend you reading the book "I kissed Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris. It may be she will be more open to this after a heartbreak. It's an excellent book to read and discuss with your teenagers.

Rebekah - posted on 04/22/2011

That was me!!! Hmm... yah know, I have to give to my mom and praise her, because though my mom didn't want me having a boyfriend, she knew that if she punished me or forbid me... I would have FOUND a way, and believe me I would have and she wouldn't have known about it.

In your situation, I understand you want to punish for the act of disobedience, but let me tell you what my mom did with me...

My mom allowed it... but what I didn't know is that my mom prayed on her knees while I was at school, when I was out with my friends, etc. And she kept praying for God to teach me a lesson and to keep me safe. That day came soon enough and I ended up with a broken heart... and that is when my mom took advantage of the situation and sat down and talked with me and explained to me why she felt I was too young. I know it's hard, but some kids have to learn the hard way (even if it is a young age). And unfortunately, I was one of those kids, and yes, at the age of 13 myself.

Reacting can cause more "bombs"... be a fire prevention and get on your knees and let God take control!

Heather - posted on 04/22/2011

I was the odd one out at that age. I was allowed to date, but my friends weren't. What this led to was them sneaking around behind their parent's back. I really recommend rejoicing in the fact that she is being open with you about this. In today's world it is extremely easy for kids to get involved in all kinds of things without telling their parents. I think how I would handle it would depend on what the term "boyfriend" means. Do they just sit and have lunch together everyday and spend more time talking on the phone or is it more? Does that make since? It would also depend on what kind of a guy he was. Maybe ask her to invite him over for dinner one night so you can get to know him better. Let her know that IF he comes then you will be more open to allowing her to date him. If he doesn't (and he probably won't), then you will have to take away her phone and computer privileges. Or something along those lines.

I know it isn't the ideal age to start dating, but after watching my friends hide their boyfriends from their parents, and date some really weird guys, lose their virginity and sneak out of their homes just to do what they wanted to do, I swore I would never forbid dating, just discourage it while keeping lines of communication open between me and my children.

Jennifer - posted on 04/22/2011

Beat her with a stick. JUST KIDDING! Taking away privileges is the right way to go I think. Also adding chores may help. If she feels she is grown up enough to have a boyfriend then she;s grown up enough to do her own laundry, cook meals for the family, keep her room clean (not sure if any of this helps) but my daughter who will be 10 this year decided that she was grown up enough to complain about how and when I do the laundry. That is now her chore. If she complains about the way i run my home, she gets a turn to be in my shoes. Also, you might sit down with her and tell her that you don't feel this is a right time do have a bf, and talk about comprimising on when dating is acceptable in your home. My parents told me when it was acceptable and the guidelines for doing so and so when i was 12 and 13 and the "other kids were doing it" I was very comfortable telling them it wasn't acceptable to me. And take a deep breath and remember what a trying time the teenage years were. Well they were for me. God bless Hun and I pray that the Lord use you as His instrument to speak wisdom to your daughter.